She didn’t know how one could be so content and nervous at he same time. She thought there actually was something wrong in having him there, and she felt her conscience wasn’t exactly clean. Not that they were doing anything wrong. Ryan’s attention was completely devoted to the cup of coffee he had in his hand, and she was pacing back and forth her living room, right in front of the couch he was sitting on, a coffee table and a vast composition of dried flowers safely dividing them.

It was all perfectly innocent and politically correct, and yet Calleigh felt there was more to that, more than she cared to admit herself. She cast a quick glance at Ryan. He was bent over his own knees, concentrated on his cup with light thoughtful wrinkle across his forehead.

It was a cute view, even though she couldn’t get rid of the unpleasant sensation some kind of invisible barrier was fluctuating between them, keeping them apart.

In that moment he looked up. A soft smile painted on his face as he met her absentminded gaze, and the whole room seemed to brighten up.

“You must be wondering why I asked you to stay if I’m technically ignoring you.” She began, resuming her nervous pacing. Ryan inclined his head and his smiled widened imperceptibly.

“If you wanted to talk, you’d be talking.” He said, lying the cup on the table. “And if you wanted to ignore me, you would, which is what you are doing, so that’s fi-”

“I… Do want to talk to you, Ryan.” She interrupted him, waving her empty cup frenetically. “But I know if I started, I would end up rambling senselessly for hours and ruin everything, while I’m perfectly enjoying the situation as it is…”

“Calleigh…”

“I’d really like to speak, because I like talking to you, but I really don’t know where to start, it’s just that I don’t-”

“Cal!” he exclaimed, half laughing.

She suddenly froze in the middle of the room, fluttering her lashes in perplexity. Her cheeks were on fire.

“I was rambling.” She sighed, rolling her eyes, and gave him her back.

“You were.” He confirmed jokingly. “But you’re lovely when you do that.”

Astonished, Calleigh slowly turned around, gaping. Ryan’s innocent look couldn’t hide a faint shade of smugness.

“What?” he asked candidly. “I was just expressing my opinion…”

An odd tingle gripped her stomach, making her shudder. She had felt it before, the time they had had their first heart-to-heart talk over a drink, after the case of that child molester.

Calleigh put on a jittery smile, fixing a strand of hair behind her ear, unsure on how to interpret his behaviour.

“You know, I…”

A thunder crashed through, tearing the sky apart with a lightning, and suffocated his voice, leaving her wondering if she had missed something and what, and if, in case, she would have wanted to know.

She watched him look outside the window. There was no sign of rain yet, but she was afraid he would soon want to leave. After all, she wasn’t exactly doing her best to entertain him.

“Why are you standing there?” he questioned, arching his brows, and studied himself for a moment. “I was just kidding when I said I was smelly.”

A graceful laugh left Calleigh’s lips and shimmered through her eyes. Without a word, encouraged by his friendly attitude, she went sitting on his side. Her tension was starting to slacken off, and now she feel the sheer pleasure of having him near.

They were a little closer than they would have normally been, but Calleigh could sense there was nothing normal in the way he was looking at her, nor in the intensity her heartbeat had gained in the very instant his hand had grabbed her minutes ago.

“I sort of obliged you to stay...” She mumbled apologetically, facing down at her lap. “But I really didn’t feel like be alone, tonight… I can’t even explain why. You’ve been so kind to accept…”

Ryan put his finger under her chin and gently guided her face up to him.

“I like being with you, Cal.” He said, his eyes locked in hers. “We’re good friends, and good friends are always there for each other.”

Romantically as it had started, the statement ended up with a bitter vibe. She didn’t want to talk about friendship now. She wanted to talk about her incoherent feelings she had been living with long enough to feel them press against her lips, eager to be freed. But she couldn’t let them out, not after he had spoken like that.

Ryan leant forward, studying her attentively.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” she answered quickly, shaking her hands, but he seemed to be doubtful. “Well… Yes.”

Ryan frowned, inclining his head to her.

“Did I?”

Calleigh bit her tongue regretfully. There was no way she could explain that and not disorient him even more. She looked at him hesitatively. Awkwardness was a term that generally did not appear in her vocabulary, but the situation was becoming a rollercoaster of tension.

“It’s not what I meant.” She hid her face between her hands and sighed in frustration. She hated not be able to convey her thoughts, it they were far too complex to be explained. “You were right, it was bad idea.” She stoop up, leaving her cup on the coffee table. “Maybe I should carry you home.”

“Or maybe you should just take a deep breath and calm down.” Said Ryan, standing next to her. He took her hands in his and waved them soothingly. She gazed at him, now more relaxed. “I really don’t want to leave.”

“I don’t know what to do, Ryan.” she muttered, and though her common sense was yelling to her to let go of his hands, she just couldn’t. “It’s just that I can’t understand what I want and if I truly want it… If that makes any sense.”

“I wanted a break.” He said out of nowhere. Calleigh didn’t get it.

“What?”

He smiled feebly, licking his lips, and set his eyes on their hands.

“I started this running thing a few months ago.” He said. “I was, you know… Tired, I guess. I would work with you all the day, and then get home and think of you…” his voice lowered as he met her eyes. “I would have gone crazy, if I hadn’t found a distraction.”

At this point, Calleigh was in complete daze. She had thought she was some overstressed paranoid, but now she was realising that either she wasn’t or they both were.

“This sounds weirdly familiar to me.” She replied, nearly murmuring to herself, but then she slipped her hands out of his and stepped backward abruptly. “Wait… Did you say-?”

“I don’t know if you noticed,” he said, apparently not very surprised by her reaction. “But we haven’t been the same as we used to be, recently.”

“I thought… I thought it was just me.” She mumbled.

It was a relief to know it hadn’t been only a joke of her imagination. She didn’t like the idea of herself being prey of illusions.

Her heart stopped when she felt his hand touch her face. She felt her skin burn under his fingers.

“If only it wasn’t so damn complicate…” he whispered sadly, trailing the tip of his thumb over her cheekbone.

She leaned onto his hand, closing her eyes. He was lightly rough, but it felt good, good enough for her to forget about who they were for a moment.

“I’ve been feeling so alone, lately…” she said weakly. “I don’t know why, but it’s like everyone’s life is going on, and mine just stands still, as though… There was nothing to go to.”

Ryan said nothing. He just lifted his other arms and wrapped it around her, pulling her to him.

An alarm bell started ringing furiously in Calleigh’s head. It was getting more and more intimate and way too personal, but all her willpower was gone with her last little sensibility. All she was left with now was her desperate need to know he would understand.

“I’ve watched you fight for months,” he said, his chin buried in her hair. “One second you were there, asking for help with your eyes, and the second after you were gone, never giving me or anyone the chance to give you a hand.”

She stiffed within his arms, hit in a weak spot. She breathed in, glad that her face was hidden against his chest. She didn’t want him to see how guilty she felt.

“People make things harder.” She answered sheepishly. “And it’s already hard enough…”

Ryan’s embrace loosened a bit.

“You’re a strong woman, Cal.” He whispered. “But there are things you can’t sort out on your own… I could have-”

“Thrown water on the fire.” She cut in. She looked up, finding his concerned eyes. “Which I did myself the moment I asked you to stay tonight.”

He studied her for a long while, his mouth like sealed. She was conscious she was confusing him furthermore, she knew he probably didn’t understand her apparent incoherence. If she wanted him to understand, there was a part of the story she had to uncover, but opening Pandora’s box would lead to unpredictable consequences, and she hated not to know what to expect.

“I needed to deal with myself.” She continued, vaguely defensively. It was not a fault, all in all, and she had no reason to feel ashamed, but for some reason she felt like she owed him an explanation. “On my own.”

Ryan grabbed her by her shoulders and stepped back, pulling away.

She was nearly hurt by the gap he had created between them. Her need to feel him was getting overwhelming and unbearable. All the emotions she had so far repressed were slowly fighting to come out, pushing her beyond her limits. Inside she was praying she wouldn’t break down, at least not in front of him.

“Calleigh, while you were so busy in trying to deal with yourself, I…” he sighed, looking down for a moment. His gaze was so intense to make her shiver. “I’ve been there all the time.”

Calleigh returned the gaze, narrowing her eyes.

“That is not what you were going to say.”

Ryan became serious, and a pallid shade of sadness crossed his face.

“I got you talking… This is quite a merit, in my opinion.” He gave her a faint smile and his grip on her tightened. “I’m glad we’re here, and even more glad you’re opening up to me… I don’t want to throw water on the fire, if the risk is to lose this.”

Calleigh moved one step onward, her pulse considerably increasing as her hands rested on his hips. She pursed her lips, staring down.

“This is burning me out anyway.” She confessed. “And as you said, there are things I can’t sort out on my own.”

Ryan cupped her face and made her lift it. She passively obeyed, nearly unable to breathe. A peculiar vibe ran through Calleigh’s body, erasing all the loneliness left in her.

“Say it.” She said, barely audibly.

Ryan watched her in silence, and she could almost hear all the questions rising in him.

“I say it every time I look at you.” He said softly. The tip of his nose skimmed hers, making her skin crawl in quivering pleasure. “I love you.”

Her lips opened into a wide grin. She leant her forehead against his chin, hugging him.

“Again.”

“I love you, Calleigh.”

The sound of his voice surrounded her peacefully while she blindly felt his lips approach hers and linger right upon them, only fractions of millimetres away.

He took her chin between his fingers and lowered himself on her.

“I love you with all myself.” He repeated huskily, then brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, smiling.

Feeling like she was going to explode, Calleigh stretched up onto her tiptoes and closed the short distance dividing them.

In the very moment their lips touched, she realised she would never be able to let him go.

TBC...