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Dear... me?
I can't help but feel odd. I'm writing to myself about... everything that's happened since I got here.(?) I know what happened wasn't a normal everyday occurence. Not for the world I came from and not for the world I'm in now. But what if I'm not the only one to have 'moved'? Is that even what I could call it? But that isn't the real reason that I'm writing this... I'm writing it too... Sort through my feelings? I guess that's why I'm writing it. Because ever since I got here I've handled it as best as I possibly could. I think I've handled it fairly well. As a child I was used to moving. My father was a politician so we had to move wherever he was working. He's been gradually moving his way up the 'ranks' and we've had to move so that he could be closer to his office quite a few times. Is that why this hasn't come as such a big shock to me? Granted, this isn't really like moving... not really at all.
Another thing that bothers me... I love my family and all but... why don't I miss them so much? I haven't broken down and really cried since the day I got here. After that I resolved to keep my head high... Because that's what mom would want. "You have to make the best of a bad situation." That's what she would tell me. So that's what I've been doing. Even though 'bad situation' is a bit of an understatement.
I feel like I've been gullible though. There are two sides to every story. Maybe Galbatorix has his own story? I can't see how he could possibly justify anything he's done. Attempted rape, attempted murder, I have no doubt in my mind that he's an evil SoB that deserves certain death, but... I can't help but wonder what happened to make him that way? I have no way of knowing because I wasn't there and people are always bias. So I guess, no matter what happens, I'm going to continue my training and follow my heart. Because that's what my mom would want.
Mom... I can't be certain that she's okay, but I feel it. I feel like everyone at home is okay. I think that's what has helped me cope so far. My father would probably lead a search party for me. I feel kind of bad about that. Especially if a lot of people are putting forth an effort to find me because they won't find anything. I'm not there anymore. I wish I could just send them a message, just to tell them that I'm okay, to be able to do more would be nice... but beggars can't be choosers.
Am I okay? Is all of this really okay? I hate myself for giving up so easily. For resolving that there is no way to get back home, but other than 'going with the flow' what can I really do? It's not like I could have just wandered off on my own. Am I a bad person? I feel like I've given up on my family. It's not that I gave up on them necessarily, I'm just trying to find a place for myself here.
What kind of place could I have here... the only people I really know are Oromis and Eragon. Even then, it's not like we're all close. Eragon is... I like him... a lot... I think? He likes Arya though, and if I said anything to him about that, things would definately become awkward. Oromis is more like a father figure... who I doubt wants me living with him forever. Oh wait, I 'know' Murtagh! Oh the joy. Does spending 12 hours and recieving a kiss even count as knowing someone? He's definately out of the question for the 'somewhere I belong' category. But if I am his salvation... How do you save someone if you can't save yourself? ((Depressing topic, let's change it.))
I'm considering turning this notebook into a journal of sorts. To tell of my adventures! If ((albeit a very large if)) I ever get back, it could help explain everything that's happened to me. Or just save me a lot of time of repeating and/or explaining it myself.
I might as well try.
So, today. Wanna know what I learned? It's more of the Eragon subject matter so I forewarn whoever reads this because I know nobody likes to read about a 15 year olds love life ((or lack thereof)), but apparently Angela predicted his fortune and surprise, surprise Eragon is going to marry a princess! Wonder who that could be? Not I, that's for sure! It's Arya! Which... hurts? I'm not so sure. It finalizes things and lets me know that I don't have a snowball's chance in Hell. Which says that it's time to move on! It's still a little depressing though. I'm not even going to go into what happened at the Dragon Egg Mating Ceremony thing.
Everyday life hasn't changed much. I do love Salvation, it makes me feel 'cool' I guess just because of the way it looks when it swipes through the air. Immature, yeah, but let's not forget I'm only 15. Maybe I'm 16 by now? I don't know, I don't have a calendar since my phone is no longer functioning properly and I'm afraid to turn my Ipod on because I have no way to charge it if it should die. But enough rambling. Training is per usual, definately intense. I think I've accomplished a lot, although not nearly as much as Eragon. I'm a little nervous about fighting Galbatorix... or fighting in general... ((understatement of the century.)) ((Note to self:: Stop being so hypocritical))
I want these marks on my neck to go away. 1- they aren't attractive 2- they're abso-fucking-lutely terrifying. Mom, if you ever read this, I swear I don't normally curse this much. I haven't had those dreams again. But if they come back what can I possibly do? Meeeh. I've already stayed up past my 'bed time' as designated by Oromis. Oh the joy. Maybe I'll write again... and maybe someday... everyone can read this.
-Payton