Oh. My. God. I feel terrible. A brand-new fanfiction. As if I didn't have ENOUGH to do already. I tried to resist, really I did. It poked me endlessly and pleaded, "Write me," but I didn't. It pounded on my shoulder and whined "Write meeeeee," but I didn't. And then it took a two-by-four to my skull repeatedly and screamed, "WRITE ME, DAMMIT!!!" and I finally gave in. I am ashamed.

See, we were just putting on the play Noises Off at my school. And I'm on stage crew. And I thought, "Hm, what if there were an AkuRoku in this setting?" Curse you, brain!!! So yeah. This had to be written.

Now, I know that normally I have a problem with finishing stories. All my other fanfics are on hiatus right now so that I can write my novels on fictionpress. And even those aren't coming along the way I'd like. But this time I have an actual idea of where I'm going. I have the whole damn plot written down on an itty bitty sheet of paper. It's in very small writing and rather long. I promise that this one is actually going somewhere. I won't accidentally go on hiatus and forget the plot while I'm at it. I'll try to keep a few chapters ahead so I can update regularly.

Now then, enough of that! Onwards, fair readers, enjoy the adventure! But before that, a few announcements:

Rating: T. Because almost every teenager has mouth in desperate need of a good washing out, and rarely do they ever get it. Also because Axel is a psychotic pervert.

Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, Roxas would never have merged with Sora, Zexion would be smexing Demyx up at every opportunity, nobody in the Organization would have died (especially not Axel, who I still swear is not dead, just on vacation), and Sora would have ended up joining forces with Org. XIII to kick some serious Heartless ass. Obviously, I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Now don't fucking sue me.

Dedication: My dedications work slightly different than normal. Each dedication is to a story or author who I happen to think is very good. Also my way of recommending fanfics for when you're bored and waiting for updates and about ready to DIE OF BOREDOM, because I've been there and it's no fun. So yeah, if you get a dedication, it's my way of saying, "You're wonderful, I'm not worthy, I love your work, EVERYONE GO READ THIS." Have fun kiddies.

So, the first dedication goes to the very zany story Where the Hell is Magic Lake? by QuirkQuirk. I loved the story, loved the ending, loved how completely and utterly crazy the whole thing was. Not to mention how very unique the premise was. I hope my story makes you guys laugh half as much as that one made me. It was one of the several stories that inspired me to write this one. Here's to your quirks, QuirkQuirk! May your insanity bless us once again very soon!

On with the show!

Noises Off!

by ShadowAili

Suggested Listening:

Vanilla - Gackt

All Downhill From Here - New Found Glory

American Idiot - Green Day

Chapter One - Now Welcoming Roxas Strife

"And this year's Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role goes to . . . . Roxas Strife!"

Roxas grinned delightedly as he stood to tumultuous applause and went towards his rightful prize. At last the big moment had come. The one he'd been working towards his whole life. He stepped up to the podium and reached for the golden statue -

"Roxas! Get up!"

"Mrrh," he complained incoherently, hugging his pillow furiously, as if the action could somehow return him to the sweet realm of sleep.

"Roxas . . . ."

The blonde finally gave in and sat up, glaring at his older brother. "Y'know, Cloud, I was having a really good dream there up till you interrupted it. You couldn't wait for my alarm?"

Cloud Strife sighed, crossing his arms. "It might help if you'd remembered to set the damn thing. Oblivion High starts an hour earlier than Hollow Bastion, remember?"

". . . . Damn school," Roxas muttered. "Why couldn't I go to Twilight High?"

"Because you're going to school with our cousin and he goes to Oblivion. Stop stalling and get ready." Cloud turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Roxas growled after his brother. "We finally move back to Twilight Town from that hellhole commonly known as Hollow Bastion," he muttered, sliding out of bed and walking to his dresser. "Finally, I have a chance to really see all my old friends again. And I end up at the wrong damn school. Perfect. Just perfect." He jerked open the drawers and tossed out clothes on the bed at random.

A few minutes later found Roxas stumbling blindly down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the scent of his much-beloved sweet nectar of consciousness.

"Hey there Roxas!" a bubbly voice greeted him upon entry. Roxas stared, uncomprehending, at the creature who had dared to intrude upon his early-morning coffee lust. Then, refusing to be distracted from his sacred mission for long, he got out his coffee mug and poured in enough sugar to keep an ADD child hyper for three days before filling it to the brim with that glorious awareness-giving brew so favored by workaholics everywhere. He stared at it for a few moments with a kind of deep half-conscious adoration usually reserved for one's true love after a night of incredible sex, then slowly, reverently, took a tiny first sip. His whole body tingled and shuddered in ecstasy, a small sigh of utter contentment escaping his lips.

Slowly he turned to face the owner of the exuberant voice that had greeted him. "Morning, Sora." He pulled out a chair and plopped down in it, cradling his coffee mug protectively and staring down into it.

His brunette cousin flashed a grin at him. Even with a mere peripheral glimpse, Roxas wanted to shield his eyes from the sheer brilliance of it. "How're you doing, Rox?"

The blonde slowly lifted his gaze from his coffee to Sora's face and stared at him mutely. He looked at his coffee again. He took a sip. He took another sip. He looked up at Sora's expectant face again. ". . . . Tired."

"Really? I feel great. Nothing like the refreshing cool air of the early morning to get you revved up for the day!" the brunette burst out a little too exuberantly. He'd obviously been exerting a huge effort not to start chattering before now. Roxas had only been living with his cousin for a few days, but he'd already learned that Sora had a mouth that ran on chopsticks. Chopsticks. Asian food. Mmm. Roxas shook himself; it was too early to eat anything. Especially Asian food. He sipped his coffee, tuning out the sound of Sora's incessant rambling as he woke up bit by bit.

"You might as well give up, Sora," Cloud's voice came, and a moment later the older blonde walked in. "Roxas isn't much of a morning person." He started fixing himself a cup of coffee.

"And you're not much of an anytime person," Roxas muttered.

"No, I'm just antisocial. There is a difference. Want some toast?"

"You know I hate breakfast."

Sora gasped, his attention momentarily diverted. "No breakfast? But . . . . but . . . . you can't not eat breakfast! It's the most important meal of the day!"

"I don't care." Roxas sipped at his coffee.

"But - but -"

"Might as well give up on that argument, too," Cloud observed indifferently, popping some bread slices into the toaster. "I've been trying for years to get him to eat in the mornings. All he'll have is coffee."

Roxas sipped his coffee. Sora paused for a moment, then launched into another rambling monologue. The morning continued.

Half an hour later, Roxas, now fully awake and running on caffeine, was bitching internally while Cloud drove him and Sora to school. 'Dammit, dammit, dammit. Stupid Sora. Why do I have to go to Oblivion just because he does? Dammit.'

"Rox-aaaaaaas! We're heeeeeeeere!" Sora warbled cheerfully, unaware of the venemous hatred Roxas was sending towards his person at that very moment. The brunette grabbed his cousin's wrist and shot out of the car; Roxas directed a half-hearted wave at Cloud, who quickly disappeared from sight.

"Today is going to be soooo great," Sora bubbled enthusiastically, still dragging Roxas along so fast that the blonde was just waiting for his shoulder to give up and dislocate itself. "I'll introduce you to all my friends, and you'll meet your new teachers, and we're going to have such a great time!"

Roxas muttered some vague form of dissent, but Sora was oblivious to it. "C'mon, c'mon, over here!" At last the screaming pain in his arm ended as Sora came to a screeching halt by a small group of people. Roxas looked around warily. 'What a bunch of weirdos,' he thought to himself. 'Then again, what other kind of people would hang out with someone like Sora?'

One of the boys, with pink layered hair, an effeminate face, and the kind of fashion sense that just screamed "I'M GAY," squealed and latched onto Sora. "Ohmigod Sora it's so great to see you! Is this your cousin Roxas? Ohmigod he's adorable! I want to take him home with me and play dress-up!"

Sora giggled. "Missed you too, Marly. I know, Roxas is cute, isn't he? Roxas, this is Marluxia."

"Nice to meet you," the newly named Marluxia said, grinning.

"Hmf." Roxas refused to dignify this with a response, instead choosing to plop down on the grass.

"You sure he's related to you, Sora? I mean, sure, he looks similar enough, but his temperament's completely different," a silver-haired boy observed.

"Aw, Riku, he's just tired. And he misses his friends. I'm sure he'll warm up soon enough," Sora replied, grinning.

The boy named Riku shrugged and looked away. "If you say so."

"Now then, Roxas, I'll introduce you to everyone. That's -"

"Sora," Roxas abruptly cut the bruntte off. "I don't care who the hell all these people are. I don't know them. They're your friends, not mine. I appreciate the sentiment and all, but I really don't need it."

A dead silence settled over the group, and everyone stared at Roxas like he'd grown another nose or something. Sora looked about ready to cry. Roxas fidgeted under the intense gazes trained on him and looked at the ground.

"What's going on?" a new voice said behind him. "Everyone's so quiet, it's freaking me out."

Sora brightened visibly. "Morning, Axel!" Roxas turned. "Axel" turned out to be a tall, painfully thin redhead dressed all in black with teardrop tattoos under his eyes.

Axel bared his white teeth in a huge grin as he looked down at Roxas. "Well, now, who's this? Don't tell me he's your boyfriend, Sora, I'd hate to break your heart when I steal him away from you."

Sora giggled. "No, he's my cousin Roxas. I told you he was coming to live with me, remember?"

"Oh, good, I can steal him without feeling guilty about it now." The redhead's vibrant green eyes traveled up and down the length of Roxas's body appreciatively. The blonde felt his face heat up as Axel's gaze lingered on his small form.

He jumped up. "Stop staring, you pervert!" he yelled indignantly. "I'm straight and I have a girlfriend! And even if I didn't, there is no way in hell that I'd ever lower my self-respect to the point where I'd even touch a freak like you!"

And now the silent stares were back. Then first Marluxia giggled, then Sora started chuckling, and finally everyone was rolling with laughter. Axel turned a tomato shade to match his hair. "Shut up!" he hissed.

"Hahaha . . . . oh . . . . Axel got . . . . heehee . . . . he got told there, man," Sora giggled.

Marluxia clapped Roxas on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Axel's just a colossal pervert. You were right to tell him off, he deserves it." He looked Roxas over mournfully. "Straight, huh?"

Roxas blushed even more and opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by the sound of the bell ringing. Everyone sighed heavily. "Off to hell," Riku muttered, picking up his messenger bag. Another boy with a blonde mullet-mohawk thingy and blue eyes hummed the Darth Vader theme song to himself as he stored his headphones in his backpack.

"What class do you have first, Roxas?" Sora chirped, as if Roxas hadn't nearly brought him to tears just a few minutes ago.

"Well . . . ." Roxas pulled out his schedule to look it over, only to have a pale hand snatch it away before he could. He glared at Axel and grabbed for the paper. "Give that back!"

Axel held it up out of Roxas's reach, forcing the blonde to jump up and try to snatch it in vain. Slowly a grin spread over his face as he looked from the schedule to Roxas and back again. "Well, well, well, Blondie, would you look at that? You and I have exactly the same schedule. Now what're the odds of that happening?"

Roxas growled. "Give it back. NOW." He'd given up jumping for it a while back, electing instead to keep what was left of his manly dignity intact.

Axel grinned even wider and crumpled the schedule up, tossing it into a nearby trash can. "Aw, but Blondie, you don't need it. I'll be more than happy to show you around." He glanced up and down Roxas's form again, his infuriating smile widening by the second.

Roxas growled and punched Axel in the stomach. Hard. As the redhead doubled over, groaning in pain, he said, "Keep it in your pants, you pervert. Just because we're in class together doesn't mean that I have to like it, got that?"

Axel grinned weakly, clutching his abdomen. "That's fine. I like a challenge."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Roxas yelled in exasperation, throwing up his hands and looking towards the heavens, as if to say something along the lines of "Dear God, give me strength." Or "Dear God, kill me now." The two were interchangeable, really.

"Well, I can see that they're going to get along like a house on fire," a blonde girl with antenna-reminiscent hair and a forbidding demeanor muttered.

Axel got up, dusting himself off and grinning hugely again. "Of course we will, Larx. You know me. Fire is my friend."

Roxas shuddered. "Can we just get to class before we end up late? Or do I need to deck you again?"

Axel bowed with a sarcastic smile. "As my liege commands."

"Knock it off," Roxas growled warningly.

That morning set the standard for the rest of the day. Axel took every opportunity he could get to annoy Roxas and make things generally irritating. After just first period, Roxas was already searching for some way to kill himself and make the torture stop. He also learned, much to his chagrin, that he was not the only Strife with a talent for the performing arts - Sora and his whole group were the resident drama freaks of Oblivion High, and they were all in his Advanced Drama class. Not only that, Sora was good, too - almost as good as Roxas, the blonde thought to himself. It would appear, then, that the group which he normally would have been in and used to ignore his annoying cousin was said annoying cousin's group. 'Great,' Roxas thought, 'now I'm really doomed to a pathetic life of following my cousin around.'

After Drama, Sora and company dragged Roxas with them out into the sunshine. Roxas tried to ignore them as they chatted happily to each other and to him, concentrating instead on eating his lunch. You wouldn't think that a manly man like Cloud would have a penchant for cooking, but he did. Apparently, he'd made several of Roxas's favorite foods to make his day a little better. It was little touches like that that made Cloud a good brother - though it'd be like pulling teeth to get Roxas to admit that. The blonde nearly smiled as he reached for his last mini-muffin.

And then Axel stole it.

Immediately Roxas was on the warpath. The lunchbox went flying as he tackled Axel and started beating the shit out of him. "That was my mini-muffin, you evil, sadistic, perverted psycho! My last one! How dare you, you little -" Suddenly Roxas found himself with a mini-muffin blocking any further protests.

Axel grinned (which looked somewhat odd with a bleeding lip and rapidly bruising eye) and poked his nose. "Aww, Roxie's so cute when he's angry. And here I only wanted to feed a mini-muffin to my little mini-muffin."

Roxas glared, his face burning as he swallowed the mini-muffin. "You need to die. Now. Preferably in the most horrible way imaginable."

Axel laughed and ruffled his hair. Roxas was about to tell him off (and/or do him bodily harm) again, but was cut off by the bell ringing. He looked down mournfully at his poor abused lunchbox, lying on the ground with its contents strewn about the lawn like fallen soldiers of a bloody battle.

"Well, Blondie, that's our cue," Axel said cheerfully, packing up his things. "You don't want to be late for class, right?"

Roxas sighed despairingly and followed the redhead for another marathon torture session.

"So, how was your day?" Cloud asked in his typical monotone when he picked up Roxas and Sora.

Roxas opened his mouth. "It was -"

"Great!" Sora bubbled enthusiastically. "Roxas met all my friends and everyone thinks he's cool and he's an awesome actor and Axel's been nice enough to show him around and it was an awesome day!"

Roxas directed a "shut the fuck up" glare at his cousin before continuing. "It was terrible. The words 'torture,' 'traumatic,' and 'suicide' spring to mind. Sora here dragged me around all day and wouldn't let me meet anyone on my own. Everyone probably thinks I'm completely lame for following my stupid cousin around. Everyone in the Drama class is Sora's friend, so even there I can't escape it. And to top it all off, Sora's friend Axel is a sick psychotic pervert who won't leave me alone and stole my last mini-muffin and made me destroy the rest of my lunch trying to get it back! So all in all, brother dear, I think I have the license to say that it was a horrible day."

"Aww, c'mon Roxie, it wasn't that bad," Sora whined, pouting.

"Yes. Yes, it was. And don't you start calling me 'Roxie' too, got it? Bad enough that pervert does it. My name is Roxas. Not 'Rox' or 'Roxie' and certainly not 'Blondie.' Get it right." Roxas crossed his arms, sank down in his seat, and proceeded to sulk.

After a few minutes of staring at Roxas worriedly, Sora turned to Cloud and chatted animatedly to him about his day. Cloud wasn't much of a conversationalist, but luckily for him, that didn't really matter with Sora.

When they got home, Roxas practically ran to get the phone, then dashed up to his room as he dialed in a number.

"Hello, Gainsborough household," a calm voice said on the other end.

"Hey Aeris. It's Roxas. Is Namine home?"

"Sure, just hold on a minute, Roxas. Namine!"

After a few moments, a quiet voice came on. "Hello?"

"Hey Nami." Roxas grinned. "How was your day? Did you miss me?"

"Roxas! How are you? I had a pretty good day. I wish you could have come to Twilight with me and Hayner and everyone, though. We all miss you."

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual." Roxas sighed. "My idiot cousin decided to drag me all over the place and make my life a living hell today."

"Come on, Roxas, it couldn't have been that bad."

"It could have and it was. Believe me, Nami, today would have made even you miserable. At least it's over now, for the most part."

He heard her sigh softly on the other end. "Roxas . . . . just give it a chance, okay? I'm sure that if you do, it won't really be that bad."

He smiled. "I'll try, Nami. Thanks."

Suddenly someone started banging on his door, and Sora's voice yelled, "Roxas! Come out! C'mon, Roxas!"

"Sorry, love," he told Namine. "My idiot cousin's calling. I'd better go see what's up. Love you."

"I love you too, Roxas," Namine replied. "Goodbye."

Roxas hung up the phone and yanked the door open, sending Sora sprawling across the floor. "What do you want, Sora?" He couldn't keep the hostility out of his voice.

Sora looked up, grinning. "And just who were you talking to, Roxas?"

"My girlfriend, Namine Gainsborough," he replied shortly.

An expression of amazement came over the brunette's face. "What, you mean you weren't joking when you told Axel off earlier?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't see why that's such a surprise. I tend to make a point of being honest," Roxas replied.

Sora paused, then . . . . "I wanna meet her!" he shouted gleefully.

"Why?"

"To see if she's good enough for my cousin, of course."

"First off, I'll be the judge of that. Second, I've been with her since freshman year and kinda think that yeah, she's good enough. Did you interrupt my talk with my girlfriend just so you could be annoying about it, Sora?"

His cousin grinned. "Nope! My friends came over to hang out and we wanted you to come down and chill with us."

"Lovely. More 'friend' time. I'm absolutely ecstatic." Roxas followed Sora down the stairs, muttering venomously under his breath.

"Hey guys, look who's here!" Sora cried. They were greeted with a chorus on the theme of "Hey Roxas."

"Guess what? I just found out the most amazing and incredible thing! Roxas wasn't kidding with Axel earlier this morning, he really does have a girlfriend!" Sora chirped. This news was greeted with startled exclamations.

Roxas sighed as he plunked down in the one free spot on the couch. "And why is it such a surprise that I have a girlfriend?"

An arm snaked around his waist; too late, he realized that he was sitting next to Axel. "Because, Roxie, you're just so cuuuuuute," he cooed.

Roxas elbowed the redhead in the ribs. "Shut up, creepy pervert. No one asked you."

"Actually, technically speaking, you did," he replied, grinning.

Roxas directed a venomous glare at Axel. Outside, the neighbor's perfect green lawn started to wither and die in small patches. "Do you want to die or something? Because I'd be all too happy to help."

"Yay! Death by sexing - let's see if we can't manage it, Roxie!"

Roxas punched him in the stomach again.

"Oww! C'mon, Rox, it was already bruised . . . ."

"So, Roxas," another boy said on the other side of him, leaning in with a conspiratorial air. "You trying out for the Fall Play?"

"Of course," he replied without thinking, then winced. "Ah . . . . um . . . . what play is it?" He didn't want to seem too eager.

The new person grinned. "Noises Off."

Roxas nearly creamed his pants. Noises Off. Noises Off. He'd always wanted to perform in that play. It was practically sacred! "Holy shit, no way I'm not doing that! Look out world, here I come!" he yelled, punching the air enthusiastically.

"Yaaaaaaaaay! We can perform together! If we both get in, anyway!" Sora yelled happily.

"Children," Cloud's monotone floated from the kitchen. "I come bearing food. Anyone hungry?"

Almost everyone pounced on Cloud the moment he walked in with the tray. Roxas, sadly, could not, since Axel's hand was still firmly attached to his waist. He glared to pass the time while waiting for Cloud to set the tray down. One house over, the neighbor who had gone into fits over his ruined lawn now watched his prized rosebushes droop and die, and promptly had a seizure.

"You're getting very cozy with Roxas," Cloud noted to Axel.

The redhead grinned. "Yeah, too bad he's straight. Ah well, we'll soon change that," and he hauled a protesting Roxas into his side.

"Straight?" Cloud repeated slowly.

Roxas suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to go crawl off to a corner and die quietly.

A slow, rare grin spread across Cloud's face. "Is that what Roxas told you?"

To be continued . . . .

This was pretty fun to write, actually. It just started and then it kept going and going and going and - yeah, you get the picture. So, for my little notes this chapter:

-I feel fully justified in making Roxas a coffee addict. Almost all true drama freaks are.

-Who here caught Demyx humming the Darth Vader theme song? I loved that.

-Mini-muffins. Yummmm. I have this priceless picture in my head of Cloud in a frilly apron, running around baking all sorts of goodies. Gotta love Domestic Cloud! XD

-I know, I know: she's called "Aerith" in KH. But I was raised on the American version of FF7, where she was "Aeris". So to me, it sounds like anyone saying her name "Aerith" has a bad lisp.

-I don't care what you say, Noises Off is the best damn play ever. It pwns all. So bow down and worship, mortals!

-I know there wasn't a lot of character introduction, aside from Sora, Roxas, Axel, and a little bit of Cloud. Plus random snippets here and there. It didn't really fit in this chapter, but I can assure you that you'll know all sorts of fun stuff about almost all of the principal players by the end of Chapter 2. No worries.

All right! So, I'll try to update again this weekend, but it depends, because I'm trying to stay at least a chapter ahead, plus I'm writing like three or four oneshots right now. In the meantime, tell me how you liked it! Please, please, make my day and click on the little button that says "Go" in the corner down there. Reviews make me happy. They fuel my muse. (That and the crazy redhead who'd murder me brutally if I didn't bring in new stuff for her to read every day.)

See you all next chapter!

-Aili