Me: laughs Ho-ho, George Lopez, you sure do got this! Ho-ho-ho—

And welcome to the Xiaolin News, I’m the floating voice. With your anchorman, Kimiko Tohomiko!

Kimiko: shuffles papers Hello, I’m—not a boy, what do you mean anchorman! I’m a girl!

Me: Okay.

Kimiko: My mom made me get this haircut! Welcome to the Xiaolin News at five, I’m Kimiko Tohomiko!

Me: It’s six.

Random fan: Erika, you must be losing your muse, man! This isn’t funny at all!

Me: This is steps on crack, breaks fan’s mother’s back

Random Fan: Not cool, man!

Kimiko: Get a job, ya dang Hippie!

Random fan: I can’t afford a haircut! cries and runs away to aid his illin mother

Kimiko: Today’s story is of an evil plan gone sour than…uh…

Clay: box appears Then milk in July?

Kimiko: Sure, okay. The metaphorical styling’s of Clay Bailey, everyone!

(Applause and cheers. A bra lands on Clay’s hat).

Kimiko: Anyway, today’s top story is of a—MURDER!

Katnappe screams

Kimiko: Sorry, I sneezed. It’s actually a pet napping story.

Boooooooo---hisssssssss---that’s not news!

Kimiko: It is too! It’s Fluffernut that’s gone!

Bum bum bu--

Raimundo: So? Nobody likes that cat!

Kimiko: She’s a dog!

Raimundo: Really?

Kimiko: MEAN!

Throws random Statue of Liberty model at him. I am not a supporter of any pairings of the Xiaolin Showdown world. Please don’t hurt me.

Me: (looks up from Stars magazine) What’s up with Flavor Flav? If he were any smaller and browner Brad and Angelina would wanna adopt him!

Raimundo: That was a good burn, man!

Kimiko: I’m writing that one down!

Me: Moving right along, the REAL news is of something outside of Fanfiction--

Kimiko: There’s nothing outside of Fanfiction! Balderdash!

Me: You don’t know about it because you, Kimiko number , were born here.

Kimiko: Aren’t I the original Kimiko?

Me: You were shaped out of the original Kimiko, but do you know how many times Kimiko has been included in stories? They just started numbering them. And you’re number 5555556687--

Kimiko: Dang it!

Me: Anyway, the real news is that I, PigXiaolin101, am gong for a printer to go with my new laptop for Hanukah!

Raimundo: What’s Hanukah?

Me: Well, kids, Hanukah is a magical time of year where the Hanukah Fairy kicks Santa’s white ass!

Omi: Really? Tell me more!

Me: Gladly! During Hanukah, you get presents for eight days! That’s right, eight! And why would you wanna waste the days before Christmas decorating, when you can spend the days before Hanukah playing dradle and eating potato pancakes! That’s right, because all you need is your Menorah and your Yamikah! Let’s sing about it!

Kimiko, Raimundo ,and Random Children’s voices: OKAY!

Put on your Yamikah! It’s time for Hanukah! La de de da doo da--

Producer: This is no time to educate children on diversity! We have minds to smush! Need I replace you with Wuya?

Kimiko: (high pitched scream)!

Raimundo: Damn, girl!

Clay comes in drinking from a beer can and a cigarette.

Clay: Sup?

Raimundo: Dude, you’re an alcoholic or something.

Clay: (throws up) Am not! I only drink on the days that have an ‘a’ in them!

Kimiko: Everyday has an ‘a’!

Clay: Nuh-uh! What about ‘’?

Raimundo: Please, that day was made for boozing!

Omi: can I do the weather now? This is, like, the first day of my career some running gag hasn’t been around!

A Chimichanga-armed Wocky jumps out from behind the green screen and screams.

Omi: Oh, that’s convenient!

Kimiko: Yew, Wuya and Chase were doing it in the broom closet!

Raimundo: That’s where I express my inner angst via diary!

Voices mesh together to make pure noise and unpleasantness. Freezes and appears on smaller TV on a set. Host of 20\20 walks out.

Elizabeth Vargas: How do you turn a simple one-shot fan fiction story into a five-chapter work of madness? How do you turn a simple cartoon into an R-rated piece of trash with booze, sex, cursing, and the wonder of Hanukah? Why do all my sentences end with question marks? I’m Elizabeth Vargas, with 20\20 investigates.

A\N-Excuse the ultra-lame chapter, but I’m running out of ideas. So get over it.