One-shot songfic about what happens after Chris and Lorelai sleep together in Partings. Lyrics are from Grace by Kate Havenik. Don’t care if you like, LOL, just in the moment.

Her eyes slowly cracked open and she blinked a couple times in the early morning light. Without moving, she scanned the room. Never been here before. Was she in a hotel? She turned her head the tiniest bit and saw an arm flung over her side, and she was wrapped only in a sheet. What did I do last night?

I’m on my knees, only memories

Are left for me to hold

Her memories from the previous night were fuzzy, so fuzzy. Had there been alcohol, was that why? She shook her head quickly, testing. No hangover. So no, she had been sober. And the more important question, who in God’s name was she in bed with?

Don’t know how, but I’ll get by

Slowly pull myself together

One thing was for certain, this was not Luke. And that wasn’t good. So she hadn’t been drunk but she had slept with someone other than her fiancé? And so if she wasn’t drunk why couldn’t she remember? Was it so bad I blocked it out? Or so...wrong? Slowly memories drifted back in pieces, like clips in a montage.

“It’s now or never!”

“I hate ultimatums!”

She blinked. That was Luke’s voice...now or never what? It was like watching a TV show with a cliffhanger, except this was her life, and she couldn’t remember a damn thing about what had happened last night.

There’s no escape, so keep me safe

This feels so unreal

“I’m having a really bad night, and...I just don’t want to be alone.”

“Come on in.”

So it was Christopher. Of all the - shit, she thought. Oh dear god, what have I done? She struggled to remember, to figure out why she couldn’t remember. More vague clips floated back.

“So...you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You want a drink?”

“No.” Firmly.

So definitely no alcohol. She tried to piece the pieces together. She had enough, really. She had called it off with Luke and cheated on him - sort of, did it count as cheating if they had broken up? Or had they even broken up? - with Christopher. Chris, of all the people. You don’t have a one night stand with the father of your daughter.

Nothing comes easily, fill this empty space

Nothing is like it seems, turn my grief to grace

“Lor?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I - why are you here?”

“Lor?” his actual voice said softly. “You up?” she slammed her eyes shut. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, deal with him right now. “Guess not,” he whispered. He stroked her hair and she felt the hairs on her arm raise, shifting as if asleep to evade his touch.

The kisses were fierce yet gentle, his touch sweet but too eager, somehow. He swung her around, banging the bedroom door open, ignoring the signals she sent out all over the place, such as the grunt when the door opened against her back, her hands pushing on his chest. He took these all as signs of enthusiasm. His hands went to the ties on the halter of her turquoise dress, whipping it over her head.

The dress lay discarded on the floor. She wanted to pick it up. It was a nice dress. Didn’t deserve to be thrown on the floor.

I feel the cold, loneliness unfold

Like from another world

It was a guilty pleasure in every sense of the word. So wrong, but still...and with Christopher, as all of her one-night-stands seemed to be. What, three times now? Was it four?

Come what may, I won’t fade away

But I know I might change

She shook her head softly, and felt Chris get up, the little voice of Gigi in the background. He hurried her out and came back; she heard his robe slipped off and winced. If he’s completely naked I will vomit. She shifted, sitting up a little and pushing his arm off.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” she said back, her voice a little squeaky.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

“Um...go back to sleep,” she urged.

“Come back to bed,” he countered. She sighed.

“Oh, I can’t, I’ve - I gotta go,” she said.

“Stay.”

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

“No, um, I can’t, Paul Anka,” she said lamely.

“Well, there’s no way he’s performing this early, check your tickets.”

“No, I’ve gotta go home and feed him.”

“Well, let me make you breakfast first.”

“No,” she half-complained.

“Come on, you’re no good to Paul Anka if you collapse before you feed him, it’s like how when you’re on an airplane you have to put on your own oxygen mask before your kid’s. It seems selfish, but - ”

“No!” she said firmly, looking at him. She sighed, feeling bad in spite of herself. She looked back up. “Chris.”

“Lor?”

“Really. You sleep. I’ve gotta get going.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” There was a small silence. “Okay, bye.” She walked quickly out of the room, ignoring his wounded-puppy face. Once she had closed the apartment door behind her, she relaxed, then let what she had done overtake her. She flinched.

Nothing is like it was, turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily, where do I begin?

Walking home; she didn’t have the car, she felt the tears sting her eyes but held them back. There was nothing she detested more than a woman walking down the street in tears. You lost everything, she told herself. You’ve lost Luke. You could have Chris, but you don’t want Chris, and even if you did, you just walked out on him after a one night stand...pretty clear message. You have nothing left, every outlet of hope is gone.

Nothing can bring me peace, I’ve lost everything

It was a long walk back, a good fifteen minutes, maybe more. Her mind filled with images of Luke, how crushed he had looked when she walked away, how completely stupid she had been for not even giving him a chance to think. She couldn’t tell him about Christopher, it would just break his heart more. But then again...if he came around, wanted to get back together, well, she couldn’t do that on a lie. She would have to tell him. And then he would leave.

I just want to feel your embrace.