A/N: I’ve had this fic in mind for a while now, and I wanted to write it! I don’t think I’ve ever written a crack fic before, so I hope it’s not too bad. XD Enjoy!

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Nightmare at Ichiraku

By: Suiryoka

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It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in the town of Konoha. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Nope, nothing could go wrong on a beautiful day like this! Even Uchiha Sasuke was smiling (slightly) and in good spirits… that is, until Haruno Sakura bounced up behind him with a cheery smile of her own.

“Hello, Sasuke-kun! Where are you going?”

“…The dobe invited me to Ichiraku for lunch with him today,” Sasuke grunted. “He says he has some-”

“Announcement to tell us, I know,” Sakura finished, putting her hands behind her back.

Sasuke raised a curious eyebrow. “He invited you to come, too?”

“Yep. I’m just as surprised as you are that he invited you. I thought it was just going to be the two of us…”

“You sound disappointed.”

Sakura glanced at Sasuke with narrowed eyes. “So do you.”

The Uchiha snorted but said nothing else. Thanks to Sakura, now his perfectly happy mood turned sour. Damn her. And why the hell did Naruto invite Sakura? Did that mean Kakashi was invited as well?

“Sooo, Sasuke-kun,” Sakura began sweetly, deciding to also ruin the comfortable silence. “Still got it bad for Naruto?”

For a moment, Sasuke almost lost his composure. “How about you?”

Sakura blushed and looked away. “Sh-shut up.”

Sasuke smirked. “I take that as a yes.”

“You still haven’t answered my question, either!”

“That’s because there’s no need to. You know perfectly well what my answer is.”

“Hmph.”

“Hn.”

Once again, Sakura and Sasuke went silent, secretly fuming at each other.

“I wonder who he likes more…”

Sasuke had to snort at that. “Me, obviously.”

“Yeah?” Sakura challenged, getting irritated. “What makes you think so?”

“He chased after me for three freakin’ years. A normal friend wouldn’t do that.”

“But Naruto’s not normal by any standards,” Sakura pointed out. “So with that said, I think he likes me more.”

“And why do you think that?”

Sakura gave her teammate an incredulous look. “Come on, Sasuke-kun, Naruto’s liked me since we were at the academy! He flirts with me on occasion and thinks we’re on a date whenever we find ourselves alone.” She shrugged. “It’s pretty obvious.”

“Has he done any of that lately?”

The kunoichi went quiet and started to panic. Now that she thought about it, Naruto hadn’t made a move on her for almost three weeks…

“That’s it!” Sakura suddenly declared. “How about when we see him at Ichiraku’s today we ask him who he likes! Then we’ll see what’s what!”

“Hn,” Sasuke muttered, glaring at the girl walking next to him. “Don’t be disappointed, though.”

Sakura met Sasuke’s glare dead on. “You wish.”

While Sasuke seemed confident that he was the one who won Naruto’s heart, in actuality, he was a little uneasy. Sure, he and the blond got together a lot, but over the past couple of weeks, Sasuke hadn’t seen his companion anywhere and wondered what the hell he was doing.

But as they neared the restaurant and spotted Naruto seated next to Kakashi (so he was there after all…), Sasuke’s apprehensiveness started to ebb away. After all, who else in the world did Naruto give that heartwarming smile to besides the Uchiha boy?

“Oi, dobe,” Sasuke greeted in his normal monotonous tone of voice.

Naruto’s grin widened as his two treasured friends approached the ramen stand. “Hey, te-”

“Naruto!” Sakura interjected sweetly, taking the only remaining seat next to the boy. “Thanks for inviting us!”

Naruto was a little shocked at how cheerful Sakura was, but smiled anyway, not seeming to notice how put off Sasuke was at the pink-haired girl for stealing his seat. “You’re welcome! I haven’t seen you guys recently anyway.”

Begrudgingly, Sasuke took the seat next to Sakura and leaned over so he could talk to the blond better. “What have you been doing anyway?” he inquired, just as curious as Sakura was. “We were supposed to spar a couple of times last week but you never showed up.”

Sasuke and Sakura all but caught the deep blush that made its way across Naruto’s cheeks. It made him look ten times cuter, they both thought, fighting down blushes of their own. However, Naruto never blushed without a purpose. This was getting suspicious.

“U-uh… well… that is…”

Unexpectedly, Kakashi leaned towards Naruto, putting his hand on the teen’s shoulder, rubbing it gently (!!!), and whispered, “Maybe you should just tell them now.”

Nodding, the blond slowly shrugged away from Kakashi’s touch and put on a huge smile, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “Heh heh! Well, I was going to save the news for after we finish our lunch, but…”

Sasuke’s and Sakura’s heartbeats started to pick up, anxious to know what Naruto had been hiding from them for more than three weeks. Sakura’s grip on Sasuke’s sleeve tightened as Kakashi placed his hand on Naruto’s mop of blond hair. The Sharingan wheels started to spin at a tremendous speed as Kakashi’s pale fingers massaged Naruto’s scalp.

What the hell was going on here?!

“Kakashi-sensei and I are dating!” Naruto proclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air happily.

Time seemed to stop as Sakura’s and Sasuke’s eyes widened. “WHAAAT?!”

“Yeah, isn’t it great!”

When Kakashi drew Naruto closer to them and flashed them a victorious smile, murderous intent shined in Sasuke’s and Sakura’s eyes. Their lips clashed in a deep, passionate kiss, the most fervent kiss the two of them had ever seen. Neither Naruto nor Kakashi seemed to care that Sakura and Sasuke were sitting there witnessing their zealous display.

“Kakashi-sensei…” Naruto moaned, deepening the kiss.

“Mmmnnn, Naruto…”

Sasuke clutched the side of his head in utter despair, his world crashing down upon him. “NOOOOOOO!!”

“Uwaaah!” Naruto screamed, bolting upright in bed next to a panting and panicking Sasuke. “S-Sasuke? Are you okay?!”

The Uchiha scanned the room frantically before spotting a worried Naruto, rubbing his upper arm comfortingly. Wait… what? Weren’t they just at Ichiraku’s? Where were Sakura and that damn Kakashi? Then all of a sudden, it dawned on him.

It was just a dream.

A maniacal smirk graced the raven’s features.

“Geez, Sasuke! What the hell brought that—uwaah!”

“Mwahaha! He’s mine!” Sasuke cried, a possessive gleam glinting in his dark orbs as he started to ravage his boyfriend's neck, who was now pinned beneath him. “All mine! And none of you can have him! Bwahahahaaa!”

“Aaaagh! Sasuke! Let go, you pervert! What the hell’s your--?” A deft hand traveled down to Naruto’s groin, making the blond squeak. “Eep! SASUKEEE!”

Needless to say that neither Naruto nor Sasuke got much sleep the rest of the night, thanks to a certain grey-haired teacher.

Damn pervert. That'll teach him never to mess with his dobe.

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Total and utter crack. XD Hope this’ll make up for the absence of TPWBH. The chapter’s being evil and won’t let me write it, but I’ll try my best to finish it. Please review! I loooove feedback! Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Suiryoka