She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

(Superchick, Stand In The Rain)

--

You can't do it by yourself any longer
You're gonna need someone on your side

Give yourself a break
Before you break down
You're gonna need someone on your side
And here I am
And here I am

(Morrissey, You’re Gonna Need Someone By Your Side)

--

He felt a hypocrite for wanting him to live. It was not the thought itself to give him those guilty pangs, but rather the reason why he was praying with every inch of himself that his friend wouldn’t die. He was begging he didn’t even know who or what for Eric to survive, and the horrible thing was that he was doing it because she wouldn’t have been able to bear it.

He didn’t want Eric to die. They were friends, he respected and esteemed him. He didn’t want to see his life end that way, nor in any other way.

Ryan wanted Eric to make it, because seeing Calleigh sitting on that chair in such pain was killing him.

His hearth broke a little more as he set his eyes on her bent over him, holding his hand in hers. She had just placed her necklace in it, and even if all he could see was her back, he didn’t need her to turn around to see the tears in her eyes.

It was like her fear and her pain were submerging the whole room, pouring into Ryan’s lungs like poison, digging and burning, tearing him apart until his core.

Propped onto the doorframe with his arms stiffly folded, Ryan couldn’t think of anything except his selfishness.

“Oh, Eric.”

Her trembling whisper crushed him, tightened around his throat like a rope. He was jealous. He couldn’t even believe that.

He was deadly jealous of Eric just because Calleigh was nearly crying for him. Not only was that stupid and extremely mean, but it was also useless.

He suddenly found himself thinking back at the day he had been the one lying in a hospital bed. She had gone to him. She had held his hand. She had been nervous and worried and relieved to find him out of danger.

She had smiled to him, and spoken to him. She had been her closest to getting emotional he had ever seen. Till now.

It was a warm day, but Ryan felt cold. He was in that room with them, but it wasn’t like he was really there. He was not a part of that scenario, and he could feel it. he could feel it in the way she was acting, lost in her own dejection, as though she didn’t care he was watching her in a corner of the room, silently, without invading the space she needed.

It was scary to say, but he would have given anything to be in Eric’s place, to be the object of Calleigh’s attentions, and that everything included his life.

He reproached himself for having such thoughts. He was ashamed of those feelings, and yet he couldn’t suppress them.

He felt for Eric, he sincerely did, and he could understand why she was so desperate. It was a déjà vu for them all, for the whole team, but not for him. He was new to all of that, new to the agonizing state Eric’s condition had thrown him into. He was new to envying someone for being on the edge of death, and it sure wasn’t something he was proud of.

In that moment a doctor walked in, carrying a folder. The man glanced at Calleigh, and then turned to Ryan, giving him a sympathetic look, as though he could hear what he was thinking, as though he knew how it felt like to stand there like an invisible shadow. Ryan had the unpleasant sensation his expression was giving away a little too much.

The doctor politely cleared his throat to make sure Calleigh knew she was there. Ryan saw her bend her head, but she didn’t turn back.

“I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave, officers.” The man said, consternated. “You may come and see Mr Delko again tonight.”

Calleigh did not move. She just kept rubbing the back of Eric’s hand in circles with her thumb, numb and motionless.

The doctor sighed, approaching the bed.

“Officer Duquesne…”

“I’m not leaving him.” She stated stiffly.

Ryan recognized immediately the instability in her tone, the knot closing her throat. She had fallen silent again one second before her voice could crack.

He went next to her and, hesitantly, placed a hand on her shoulder, grabbing her firmly but gently.

“ Cal.” he gazed down at her sadly, deeply wishing he could wash her suffering away, or bear it for her. “ Cal, we have to go now… It’s for his sake.”

At first she ignored him, not removing her look from Eric’s face. She didn’t seem willing to listen to either of the two men, but then she bit her lip in the evident effort to keep herself together, and eventually stood up. Ryan couldn’t put a finger on it, but he would have sworn he’d seen her wipe her eyes.

He followed as she slowly walked out, occasionally casting unsure glances at Eric’s frame. Ryan could perceive her inner conflict between the will to stay and the awareness she would be more useful in the field rather than locked in there.

As soon as they were out, he sought for an eye contact with her, but she stubbornly kept avoiding his look. He didn’t know how to behave. She was like a triggered bomb, she could explode any moment, and though he though it would be healthy for her to relent a bit, he didn’t want to force her.

“ Cal…” his voice sounded strained and uneasy. She just kept staring into emptiness, giving her back to him. “Calleigh, please…”

She didn’t seem to be intentioned to pay attention to him, nor to give any sing she was hearing him at all. He was willing to give her the time she needed, but he wasn’t going to sit back and watch as she drowned in her misery.

“I know this must feel like hell for you.” He said, trying to approach her, but as soon as his barely touched her, she flinched, breaking away from him.

A blue expression darkened Ryan’s face. He wanted to ease her pain, but how could he if she wouldn’t even hear his voice?

“I’m not going to let him go.” she said stiffly. Ryan heard her sniffle. “This goes beyond what I bargained for when I started working as a CSI… I don’t wanna lose another friend.”

He tugged his hands into his pockets and defeatedly stepped back, dropping his head.

“He’s going to wake up soon.” He said weakly.

Calleigh just stood there before him, still keeping herself surrounded by an invisible fence. All he wanted was to make sure she’d be fine, but her distance, both physical and emotional, was a clear sign she was far from being fine. His will to help her through that was useless if she wouldn’t even let him talk to her, try to get her out of her barriers.

“If we want to do something for him, we should go and find the bastard who did this to him.” he added, and waited for a reply. Calleigh, though, looked like stoned.

Interpreting her silence as a pray to be left alone, Ryan decided it was time to go, before he would say the wrong thing and make her even more nervous.

“I’ll be at the lab, you need anything.” He made a pause, begging for her to speak and say anything. He sighed, turning his back to her. “Take care of him.”

He waited again, he waited until he had to accept the fact she wouldn’t rely on him, this time. It hurt, but if that was what she wanted, then he had to make up his mind.

He cast her one last look before turning on his heels and leave reluctantly. Staring down at the floor, Ryan let his sorrow for Eric’s conditions mix up with the delusion he bore inside.

Calleigh had always gone to him to find a support, ever since their lives had collided together. Seeing her so cold and distant in such a deep moment made him realise that he had probably convinced himself that things between them were more serious than they actually were.

“Ryan…”

Calleigh’s voice resonated among the walls of the empty corridor, blue and vaguely pleading. He stopped one second before crossing the double door to the hall, but did not look back.

“I wasn’t there when… When Tim died.” She said weakly.

Ryan turned lightly, shivering at the tone she had used. It’d been soft and some way apologetic, as though she felt guilty about something. He didn’t want to see her face, because he was sure that, had he seen her grief, he wouldn’t be able to leave, and he really needed to put some distance between his feelings and reality.

Calleigh made a pause, and he caught her hand moving down from her face quickly.

“I’m not leaving Eric.” She said eventually.

“I understand.” Nodded Ryan, pushing the door open. “I promise you I’ll do my best to find who did this to him.”

Without another word, he strode away, leaving the doors fluttering behind himself.

There they were, set on a potentially breaking point one more time. Eric with a hole in his head, Calleigh with a hole in her heart, and he, torn between his friend and the woman he loved.

How stupid and irresponsible he had been, how blind. He didn’t know why he’d let himself detour toward such a unsafe path, but now that he was there, he felt like he was struck. He would never forgive himself for envying Eric when he was so close to drifting away.

He stepped into the lift, never rising his eyes from the ground, and pressed the button. When the doors started closing, he felt like he was being cut out of Calleigh’s world.

He had never thought about even trying to break through her fortress, but not knowing what she was feeling was driving him insane.

One second before they collided, the two doors slid back open. When Ryan looked up, Calleigh was before him, her hand keeping the doors apart. She looked lightly hesitant, as though being there was causing a struggle against herself.

He cast her a questioning glance, failing to keep his sadness buried inside. She already had enough to worry about without having to face his turmoil.

He chose not to speak and leave her the chance to decide what he should know. Her frightened expression was screaming for comfort, but he could see those bars all around her. Just one touch, and she could fall to pieces.

“I’m not setting you apart.” She murmured, tentatively moving toward him. the doors closed behind her back one moment later. “I just find it too hard to deal with both such big things…”

Ryan smiled, though unable to drop his fret. He saw her face away uneasily, clutching her fists as she awkwardly fought to stay detached.

“It’s too much, you see…” she added frustratingly, hands on her hips. “To find you and then to risk to lose him.” She gazed at him, tilting her head, unshed tears glistering within her eyelids. “I might not find him again, if I leave now…”

Ryan opened his arms wide enough to let her fall into them, burying herself into his own embrace.

“Your determination not to lose him is keeping him here.” He said. “As long as you’re praying for him, Eric is safe.”

A tiny smile tugged on Calleigh’s lips, then the elevator stopped and her fingers grasped more firmly his shirt. Despite himself, Ryan felt a wave of relief wash his worries away, glad that she hadn’t suddenly changed her mind about them.

“H and I will catch him, I promise you… I’ll come back as soon as I can.” He told her, pulling away. He enjoyed for a moment Calleigh’s reluctance to let him go, then rubbed her arms gently and walked out, turning around to look at her one last time. “Hold on in there.”

Calleigh placed herself on the threshold, apparently unwilling to be left alone. She stood motionless for a moment, then she finally gave up. She folded her arms on her chest and pursed her lips, nodding.

It took him a few seconds to move, then she stepped back into the lift.

He had just turned her back to her when he heard the closing door open anew.

“Please, be careful.” Her voice pleaded him.

Ryan looked back again and met her eyes. Among her overwhelming worriment for Eric, she still had some room in her heart for him. He nodded, and couldn’t help a tiny, content grin.

“I will.”

And then the doors closed, stealing her from his sight.

Whatever was going to happen out there, he was determined to win the battle.

Because he owed that to Eric.

Because Calleigh would be waiting for him.