The Dating Game

Who doesn't know about dating games? Those cheesy reality shows where people get to blindly choose someone to ride off into the sunset with... anyway, I wrote something up a while back, but took my time in deciding if I should place it on the site or not. Well, now I'm uploading it, and it's somewhat cleaner than its previous version. Just a bit. It's still rampant with crack and sick humour. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

For the record, Camelot owns Golden Sun, not me, and I did not invent the concept of dating games either.

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Alex stood in the left wing of the stage, listening to the impatient cries of the audience as they shouted for the show to begin. He quickly whipped out a hand mirror from his pocket and checked his hair. It was important to have great hair, especially since they were going to be filmed for the first episode of something called the Dating Game. The concept was simple enough and just cheesy enough to have a wide attraction. Naturally, Alex expected everything to fall through by the end of the episode. How could something like this possibly be expected to last?

"Cameras are about to roll," a camera technician shouted. "In five seconds!"

In five seconds, the cameras had started rolling and the audience were now screaming so loudly that Alex had his hands over his ears. An attendant walked over and smacked him, telling him to go and walk onto the stage. Alex scowled at the attendant, sorely tempted to give him a taste of his Psynergy. The only reason he was hosting this dumb show was because the Wise One had threatened him into it. Perhaps it was just a way to keep an eye on Alex in case he did something productive instead, like going after Isaac for the rest of the Golden Sun.

Alex walked onto the stage, flashing an utterly fake smile at the audience as he came to stand in front of them. Someone immediately threw an orange peel at him. Alex nimbly ducked, understanding that he had enemies in the audience. Scarily enough, he seemed to have some fangirls too. Alex shuffled his papers and drew in a deep breath, preparing to launch his speech. He tried not to think about the blinding spotlight in his eyes or the fact that people were waving annoying banners. "YOU ARE EVIL," one banner proclaimed. "ALEX IS HOT!" said another banner. It was quite confusing and strange.

"Welcome to the Golden Sun Dating Game," Alex said calmly, reading off the papers in front of him. "As you may know, the concept behind this show is that we get two unfortunate people in here. These people are forced to pick from three unknown people behind the screen. They will not have any idea who the three are, because of a special voice changing system that we have. That simply adds to the fun of it, because you never know who you're picking. I would like to say that we only pick the victims who have to pick one of them, we have little control over the contestants. We don't choose them, so don't complain."

The audience promptly booed. Alex stared at them. Were they simply trying to argue with him? He sighed and shook his head in disgust, before remembering he was supposed to ignore the audience. A can of hairgel promptly smacked him square in the forehead. Alex bit his lip and turned away, unaware that as he ignored the gift, a fangirl's heart was being broken. Alex walked toward the first contestant, the unfortunate one having to pick one of three.

"And now our unlucky first contestant who gets to pick a date," Alex declared, gesturing at the red-haired girl sitting in a chair. "Jenna from Vale!"

"Valeshipping!" several people in the audience screamed. The cry was immediately contested by "Mudshipping!" It promptly escalated into a furious row as people lunged at each other across the rows of chairs and started punching each other. Alex sighed in irritation. Some people just couldn't handle shipping differences. Fortunately, several security guards rushed in and grabbed the angry shippers, dragging them kicking and screaming out of the studio.

"But I like Garet." Jenna pouted, staring up at Alex with wide eyes. She wasn't really sure why she was here, someone had just dragged her to this studio and told her she could get a lot of cash and a surprise if she was a good girl and she did as she was told. And now it seemed that the villainous, yet rather hot, Alex was up to something again. That had to be it, right?

Flameshippers cheered at Jenna's statement. This promptly led to booing Steamshippers. Fortunately, this disagreement did not escalate into a shipping war.

"Please refrain from saying anything about relationships," Alex whispered into her ear, realising how ironic that sounded on a dating gameshow. But the audience was volatile! They could easily explode at any given moment!

Jenna sighed and looked away, seeming slightly displeased with her situation. She stared at the audience then looked back up at Alex with a petulant expression. "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Alex answered, feeling more than a little irritated. Jenna was just wasting time with her silly arguing. He wanted nothing more than to get this over with and then he could go home, have a nice cup of tea and plot world domination.

"Okay," Jenna said, nodding in understanding. She just had to pick a date despite her feelings for Garet. Sounded simple enough to her. And then she would explain everything to him afterwards and give him a lot of cookies. He loved her mom's cookies. "So, can I pick you?"

If only it was that simple. Alex sighed patiently and shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you can't."

"But why?" Jenna demanded peevishly. So what if Alex was plotting to take over the world and had designs on harming Isaac? He was still hot! And hadn't he just said she had to pick a date?

Alex wearily pointed to the screen that was positioned in the middle of the stage, blocking Jenna's view of the other contestants. "You have to pick one of the three people who are on the other side of the screen!"

"Oh, I see," Jenna said in realisation, nodding emphatically. "So, who are they?"

"I can't tell you!" Alex exclaimed in frustration. "Sheesh!"

Jenna frowned, her forehead furrowed with angry lines. What was he yelling at her like that for? It wasn't her fault that she didn't understand a thing. "Who do you think you are, snapping at me like that?" Jenna demanded, rising from her seat and clenching her fists.

"Look," Alex said quickly, gently pushing her back down in her seat and brandishing a card at her before she could maim him. "Just take this card, okay?"

Jenna gritted her teeth and glared at the card in her hands, shooting a fiery gaze at him. "I'll get you later, Alex!"

Alex walked away, promptly slipping an Ibuprofen tablet into his mouth. He called up his Psynergy to wash it down and sighed. Already he was beginning to feel a dull throb in his temples. Why couldn't someone at least have taken the time to brief Jenna? Alex walked around the screen and approached the row of contestants, quite curious about who had lined up in the hopes of getting a date with the girl of their dreams. It had already become common knowledge that Jenna was the first contestant, so while Jenna had no clue who was behind the screen, it was quite likely the three people here were just here because they wanted Jenna, not some anonymous girl. There had been an obvious leak of information, but the studio was keeping this quiet.

"And now, our first out of three," Alex said, approaching the first chair. He stopped and stared at the occupant of the seat. "Felix, what the hell are you doing here?" Alex exclaimed.

"This is a terrible sham of a game and a waste of money!" Felix glared at him. "I don't approve of my sister being forced into getting a potentially awful date either, so I took up a spot just in case. In case... you know, some creep got here instead."

Alex sighed and kneaded his temples. Evidently, Felix was overreacting as usual. His protective tendencies could make him do that. "Look, Felix, it's just one freaking date. That is all. We aren't going to make her marry them or anything."

"Anything could happen to her!" Felix protested. "What if she got abducted or... admitted into a cult or..."

"That's enough, Felix," Alex cut him off. He turned to the audience and smiled fakely. "Felix from Vale, everyone!"

Instead of cheering, the audience just muttered in annoyance and glared at the sulky Venus Adept. He was ruining the show for them! Felix winced as he realised he was getting glared at and looked away sheepishly, hoping that he wasn't going to get hurt afterwards.

Alex drew in a sharp breath and proceeded to the second chair, where he looked down at the occupant. "Number two, Kraden!" Alex suddenly choked and stared at the old sage sitting in the chair. "K...Kraden?" Alex said incredulously. This old man actually wanted to go on a date with Jenna? He was way out of her league!

Kraden looked innocently at him and shrugged. "Age is meaningless! Why shouldn't we be together?"

Alex finally snapped. He threw the papers on the floor and yelled in disgust, "That's it. I QUIT!" Before anybody could even attempt to stop him, Alex was running and screaming off the stage.

The audience sat and stared in consternation, wondering what was going to happen now. Some of them grumbled and stirred in their seats. They had paid a lot and some had come a long way to see this, they wouldn't be very impressed if it wasn't worth it after all.

"I don't think he's coming back," Felix said finally, feeling just a little relieved. Then he saw some murderous faces in the audience and realised that it could potentially be a bad thing. Angering the audience was not something you did lightly.

"Oh? Does that mean I win?" Kraden asked hopefully.

Felix stared at him in disgust then sighed, getting to his feet. He walked over and picked up Alex's papers, rearranging them into a neat pile. "No, it's okay, I'll continue for him. Now we have number three..." Felix looked at the occupant of the third seat and cried out incredulously, "The Mayor of Alhafra?" The traumatised Venus Adept cried out and stomped back to his seat, flinging himself into it and proceeding to cry some more. "I knew it was some horrible sham!"

The audience was not so amused at Felix's reluctance to continue. They booed and jeered. Then tomato cans went flying onto the stage. Why they had tomato cans with them, the reason was unknown.

A tomato can struck Felix squarely on the head. "Ow!" he wailed. "Look, I'm not continuing this stupid game! I'm not letting Jenna run the risk of being stuck with an old man or an ugly ass pompous obnoxious git!"

"We want the game!" the audience chanted menacingly. "We want the game!"

Jenna sighed impatiently and squirmed in her seat. She wasn't even sure what was going on on the other side of the screen, but she was bored and she just wanted to ask the questions already. "Can I ask the questions yet?" Jenna cried out, hoping for an answer.

"No!" Felix yelled at the screen.

"Yes!" the audience boomed, not willing to wait any longer.

"Yay!" Jenna cheered, holding up the card with questions printed on it. Some of the questions were a little odd and they didn't even seem to follow a theme. "Okay! Guy Number One, what romantic song would you pick if we were on a date?"

At this point, Felix was barely listening as he was sinking into a traumatised state. Right now, he was rocking back and forth in the chair and singing nursery rhymes to himself in a desperate attempt to comfort himself. "Twinkle twinkle little star..."

Jenna blinked and shook her head in surprise, one eyebrow raised as she heard the response. "Uh, okay," Jenna said slowly, as the audience laughed uproariously. She looked at the next question and blinked. "Wow, who came up with these questions?" Her cheeks burning a bit, she drew in a sharp breath and burst out, "Guy Number Two, how long is your... wang?"

The audience gasped in shock as they heard the extremely rude and personal question. Several protective parents clamped their hands over their kids' ears as they innocently asked what wangs were.

"Oh, it's very long! See?" Kraden declared, jumping up and flashing the audience. The audience groaned in horror and disgust and several people fainted from the shock. A security guard promptly walked up, shoved Kraden into his seat and gave him a dire warning never to do that again. Kraden nodded and looked down, pretending to be very ashamed.

"Wow... I might like this guy!" Jenna exclaimed, giggling. Then she realised she'd said it out loud and blushed. "Um, anyway... Guy Number Three, are you easy to get along with?"

The Alhafran Mayor puffed up his chest and promptly lied, "Yes. I am in fact very easygoing and am an extremely popular person." Felix shot a nasty glare at the Alhafran Mayor, wondering if he could get away with impaling him.

The audience booed and yelled angrily. Everyone knew that the Alhafran Mayor was one of the most annoying people in the game and simply, a rotten jerk. A very furious person in the audience stood up and aimed a firearm squarely at the mayor.

"Take this, you lying bastard!" the furious person yelled. Several shots ricocheted across the stage, bullets burying themselves in the Alhafran Mayor's chest. The security team, who had been standing by calmly even as the person was holding up the gun, walked up to him and praised him before escorting him from the studio.

"Augh! I have been slain!" the Alhafran Mayor cried, staggering from his seat and stumbling forward. Absolutely nobody bothered to rush to his aid, so he promptly fell over and died right on the stage.

"Guy Number Three?" Jenna called out, as she recovered from the surprise. "Are you still alive?"

"No, he isn't!" Kraden answered.

"Oh, so there's only Guy Number One and Guy Number Two left!" Jenna exclaimed. "You know what? These questions suck!" She flung the card to the floor and burned it. "I am going to ask my own damn questions!"

"I'm scared," Felix whimpered. Jenna acting of her own will could not be a good thing. Not at all.

"She is totally going to pick me," Kraden said, smirking. "I am totally irresistible."

"Number One!" Jenna shouted. "Do you fear overprotective older brothers?"

Felix stared at the screen in silence, not sure how to answer that. Was that meant to be a direct hit at him? Maybe taking up a spot for a date was pushing it... but if he hadn't taken it, goodness only knew who might have instead. And the other two choices weren't particularly good either. Especially the third one now. The body was still lying there in a pool of blood. Felix tried not to think about the body and came up with his answer, "Um, no!"

"Score!" Jenna yelled, impressed with the answer. Felix smacked his head and swore. He didn't particularly want to be picked. "Number two, do you have any underwear fetishes?"

"I wear none!" Kraden declared. "Commando for the win!" The audience shot sullen glares at him, eyes still burning from the terrible memory that had scorched itself into their retinas.

"I feel sick," Felix moaned, swallowing heavily.

"Number One!" Jenna exclaimed. Asking her own questions was fun. Maybe a dirty question or two wouldn't hurt, the audience seemed quite fun to shock and Guy Number One seemed to be a neurotic headcase. It would be fun to make him freak out, though her reputation might get hurt in the process, but at least she was having fun! "Would you give me sex whenever I wanted it, any time of the day or night?"

"Hell, NO!" Felix screamed. Was she asking ridiculous questions like that on purpose now? She was, wasn't she?

"Oh well," Jenna said, pretending to look disappointed. "There's always bondage!"

The audience just looked sullenly at her. Jenna's sick humour was not amusing them in the least. And wouldn't she at least think of the children?

"Oh help! She wants to put me in bondage?" Felix whimpered, clutching his head. He just had to remind himself Jenna was not being serious, not at all.

"Number two," Jenna called out, glaring at the audience. Why wouldn't they at least act a little more enthusiastic? Maybe if she just made her questions a little dirtier, or was that the problem? "Could we do foreplay and BDSM?"

"Hell, YES! Anything!" Kraden declared.

The audience groaned in disgust and Felix contemplated shoving a bar of soap into Jenna's mouth.

"What's wrong, audience?" Jenna looked disappointed. "Don't you like my questions?"

"NO!" the audience declared vehemently, glaring daggers at her.

"Aww," Jenna sighed. "Well, maybe I should stop wasting your time and pick someone now."

Before Jenna could make a decision, Alex warped in nearby, startling some of the audience. Some of them cheered as he returned, some of them booed instead. Alex quickly rushed over to Jenna. "For the love of Sol, Jenna! Don't pick anyone! Just pick me instead!" He couldn't stand the idea of Jenna dating Kraden. She didn't deserve that at all. And Felix would run a mile before anyone could even try and make them go anywhere.

"But you said I couldn't pick you," Jenna said, looking at him in confusion.

"I changed my mind," Alex replied.

Jenna looked away peevishly. She was still annoyed at Alex for yelling at her. "Well, you're a poopiepants and I'm not listening to you. I pick... Number One!"

How fun it would be to go on a date with a guy she scared the living hell out of? Very!

"Damn it!" Felix exclaimed.

"Great," Alex said wearily, walking to the screen. "Let's see who you rejected. Kraden, come here."

Kraden came over to the other side of the stage, crying bitterly.

"You rejected number two, Kraden of... er, Tolbi," Alex declared, gesturing at the distraught old man.

"Ew!" Jenna exclaimed, leaping from her chair. She couldn't believe Kraden had tried to go on a date with her, and he'd been very enthusiastic when she asked that particular dirty question. "You dirty old man!" Jenna shouted angrily. "FLARE STORM!"

"Owwww!" Kraden yelled, crying some more as he ran from the stage, smoking and burned in several places.

Alex walked over to the row of chairs and bodily lifted the body of the Alhafran Mayor, which he dragged back over to Jenna's side of the stage. "You also rejected number three, the Mayor of Alhafra." He wrinkled his nose and flung the dead body at the audience.

"Eurgh!" the audience cried in disgust as they scrambled away from the corpse.

"So, who's Number One?" Jenna asked excitedly.

Alex walked to the screen and pushed a lever, which caused it to come down, revealing the three chairs. Felix was still cowering in his original spot. "Felix, come over here."

"No!" Felix shouted.

Alex sighed and walked over, bodily lifting him and dragging him over to the other side of the stage even as he kicked and screamed.

Jenna blinked and stared as Alex dropped Felix in a heap at his feet. "What? Now I have to go on a date with my brother?" No wonder he had sounded so neurotic.

"Well," Alex said, quickly reclaiming his papers which Felix had been destroying the whole time. He smoothed them out and continued speaking. "According to the rules, you have to go on a date with the guy you pick. Otherwise, you lose money and you won't get... a vacation!" He pulled three envelopes out of his pocket and waved them suggestively.

"Damn you, Alex!" Felix yelled. He thought this was funny, didn't he?

"So we have to go on vacation to a secret location?" Jenna asked.

"Pick an envelope," Alex said, holding them out and smiling. She wouldn't know what was in them, the prize was completely random.

"Um," Jenna said, frowning as she looked between them. They were all so tempting! Which one should she pick? It was such a difficult choice!

"Just don't pick one!" Felix yelled, getting to his feet.

"But I want my vacation!" Jenna argued, snatching one out of Alex's hand. She quickly opened it and read the card inside it. "All expenses paid trip to... the Lamakan Desert?"

"Congratulations," Alex said, smirking. So she'd picked the booby prize envelope. "That's right, audience," he said, smiling at the rows of sullen, unimpressed faces. "Felix and Jenna are going on a date to the Lamakan Desert!" This was amusing as hell and watching Felix squirm made it all so much better.

"No fucking way!" Felix yelled. He promptly ran screaming off the stage.

Jenna silently handed back the envelope and frowned. If the person she picked ran off, did she get to have a different guy instead? "Can I have Kraden then?"

"I fucking quit again!" Alex yelled, throwing down the papers and envelopes in disgust. Much to Jenna's surprise, he warped back out.

"Is the game over?" Jenna asked, looking very confused as she turned to look at the audience. Several people promptly burst into tears and other people booed angrily. "No, it's not, right? There's still Part 2 to come, and I, Jenna, will be the hostess! Since Alex quit... be back soon!" She promptly ran off the stage to make arrangements with the crew and to sort the next part of the show out.

After a leisurely commercial break, Jenna walked back onto the stage. The new contestants were already seated, she just had to start the next part of the game. She nervously fumbled with her papers and smiled at the cameras. "Well, I present to you the second part of the Dating Game! This time, a lucky guy gets to pick three girls!"

Jenna walked over to the contestant chair where the 'lucky' guy was sitting. She stopped and stared in shock. "Lord Babi of Tolbi?"

Babi stared up at her from his vantage position in a wheelchair. Several attendants surrounded him, feeding him with fluids through a tube. His flesh was a sickly colour and emitted a rather pungent smell that had already made several people run from the studio in disgust. His rheumy eyes rolled around in their sockets before refocusing on her with some difficulty.

"Rumours... of my... death... were greatly... exaggerated..." Babi rasped with a considerable effort. He followed it up with a rattling cough that shook his ribcages.

"Actually," Iodem said, standing next to Babi as he explained to Jenna, "Babi was dead. However, we were able to track down an evil sorcerer who brought him back from the dead."

"Uh, I see," Jenna said slowly, blinking in consternation. "Got it."

"I... want... a beautiful young... girl..." Babi moaned, clenching a pale hand in a fist. Thick, blue veins bulged through the surface of his paper thin and mottled skin.

"Um..." Jenna squinted suspiciously at him. "Is that why you kidnapped Sheba?" Sure, there was that building a lighthouse thing, but there were other ways he could have forced the Laliverans to carry out their task.

Babi simply made heart eyes and sighed, his tongue lolling out over one side of his jaw. It promptly fell out and went splat onto his lap. An attendant hurriedly snatched it back up and re-stitched his tongue together.

"You sick, vile man!" Jenna yelled in disgust, as the audience booed and yelled. A grape smacked Babi on the head and he winced. That was going to leave a bruise.

"Please do not question our beloved Lord Babi's motives," Iodem requested, as he shielded Babi from flying projectiles.

Jenna sighed and walked over to the screen, wishing she had some Ibuprofen on hand. Why couldn't Alex have left some for her? She approached the chairs where the female contestants sat.

In the first chair, Mia sat, smiling in excitement. "Contestant one," Jenna declared, "Mia of Imil!"

"Hi!" Mia said cheerfully, waving at the audience.

"Good luck, Mia," Jenna said, hiding her sarcasm, as she walked over to the second chair. "Contestant two, Layana of Kalay. Wait, aren't you married to Hammet?"

"Actually, I've been cheating on him," Layana replied, tossing back her scarlet curls. "You know when Dodonpa kidnapped Hammet? I asked him to." The audience gasped in shock. "Dodonpa is good in bed too." The audience promptly shuddered.

"That's... nice," Jenna lied, a bead of sweat rolling down her head. "And now, Contestant three... Obaba of Champa."

"We old ones can make some good loving too, you know," Obaba said, winking.

Jenna shuddered and quickly walked back to Babi's side of the stage. "Okay, Lord Babi, go ahead and ask your questions." Babi hadn't even been given a question card. Jenna believed anybody should have the freedom to ask whatever questions they wanted to, not have a piece of cardboard tell them what to do.

"This question... is for everyone..." Babi rasped. "How old are you?"

Jenna frowned. Surely that was against the rules?

"I am seventeen," Mia answered, a little taken aback at the slow, raspy quality of the voice.

"How rude!" Layana exclaimed. "But since you can't see me... well, okay, I'm... somewhere in my thirties. On the lower end, of course." She looked around shiftily. Good, they believed her then.

"I am over seventy!" Obaba declared.

"I pick... Number One!" Babi said with an effort.

Jenna fumed, as the audience booed and yelled. A riot promptly broke out. He was supposed to have asked several questions to each individual, not just one stinking question to all of them! And now the audience had lost it. "Oh dear," Jenna said, as a fire broke out. She bit her lip and walked to the screen. "You rejected Number Two, Layana of Kalay!"

"Darn it!" Layana exclaimed huffily, stomping off the stage. "Guess I'm stuck with Hamfat."

"You also rejected Number Three," Jenna said, "Obaba of Champa!"

"Meh," Obaba said dismissively, following Layana off the stage.

"Hey, Jenna, who's the guy anyway?" Mia asked as she walked to the screen.

"Oh, you didn't know?" Jenna looked at her in surprise. Maybe she should have told her. Well, too late for that now.

"Um... no?" Mia said in a small voice.

"Heh heh." Jenna laughed nervously, pushing the lever. The screen came down. "Lord Babi of Tolbi, you chose Number One, Mia of Imil!"

"Ohh yes!" Babi cried out, making heart eyes. "Come here, you beautiful young girl, you!"

"He's got his energy back," Iodem commented, looking in surprise at Babi.

Babi promptly leaped out of his wheelchair and ran at the startled Mia.

"AUGH!" Mia shrieked, casting Ice Missile on Babi.

"Gack!" Babi collapsed and died.

"Nooooooo!" Iodem screamed.

"Eh, here's another corpse for you, audience," Jenna said, throwing Babi's frail body at them.

Iodem sobbed piteously and fell to the floor in a distraught heap.

"I feel so cheated!" Mia yelled.

"Yeah, well, the audience's a little angry right now," Jenna said, gesturing at the rioting audience. "Let's just run for it."

Jenna and Mia ran for it as several angry audience members came streaming onto the stage, undaunted by security guards, as they descended on the Tolbians with several heavy weapons.