Well, we (that’s right, two of us) had just finished Hana Yori Dango 2, episode six, and decided to make this fic based off of a comment we made while watching said episode. And, well, it resulted in this…thing. It won’t make sense to you at all, and is probably pointless, but we don’t have lives, so we’re forcing you to endure our torture. Right then. (This was written with polyhymnictal, who swears on her life that she does actually have one. I stand by my theory that she needs serious mental help, and a “How to Stop Lying,” handbook.)

“I will do anything I need to do.

“…To kill you.”

Domyoji gazed at Rui with a burning fire in his eyes. Rui, in turn, blinked and gave a small shrug.

“Doesn’t that anger you?” Domyoji demanded.

“I suppose,” Rui answered, returning to his novel. “Why, do you want me to be angry?”

“YES!”

“…if you sang for me, I might get a bit riled up.”

“Why?”

“They discriminate against prostitutes.”

“…” Domyoji looked around the room aimlessly, his eyes finally landing once more on Rui. “Why do you care about prostitutes?”

“Because Makino’s one, and it’s just mean to do something that discriminates against the woman I love.”

“…” It took a minute for Domyoji to register this sentence. “She’s a what?!”

“That’s how I originally met her…” Rui explained. “It was one of her part time jobs on the side of the side.” Rui looked up at the ceiling, appearing confused. “Or maybe that was Shigeru experimenting with drugs…”

“That would explain a lot about Monkey…” Domyoji pondered.

A silence followed.

“So, what do we talk about now?” Domyoji asked.

“Well, before, we were discussing the fact that you’d do anything in your power to kill me in a manner that would be fatal.”

“Right!” Domyoji exclaimed. “I have a list!” He extracted novel from his very sexy, red, fluffy, makes-you-wanna-hug-him-and-name-him-George coat. “It’s me manifesto. I’ve named it 101 Ways to Kill My Psychopathic Ex-Best Friend Ho: Volume 1 – Hanazawa Rui. Volume two and three are for Akira and Sojiro, if they ever try to steal the woman that I led on for a year and now have come back to claim as my own. That’s right, ho!” Domyoji held up his fingers in a peace sign.

“Somehow, I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be used…” Rui commented.

“Way number one: suffocate him with stuffed animals. Way number two: Take away all of his Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon items.”

“But I never watched Sailor Moon…” Rui scrunched up his nose. “I was more of a Card Captor Sakura person…”

“Way number 395: drown him in a toilet. Way number 396: choke him with a spoon.”

“Way number 397,” Rui cut in. “Decapitate me with a plastic knife.”

“Ooh! That’s a good one!” Domyoji took out a pen and scribbled Rui’s suggestion onto the last page.

Rui smiled. “See, you can’t kill me. You need me to come up with ways to kill me.”

“That’s very true,” Domyoji nodded in agreement. “Now, I’m going to go talk to Makino…”

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING MANWHORE!”

Domyoji was taken aback by Rui’s sudden outburst. “I don’t give a shit, because the fact that we’ve been friends for over a decade means nothing to us in this story.”

“Okay then!” And with that said, Rui went back to his novel, and Domyoji went in search of the weed girl.