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Well, guys, I've been promising to post this for the past couple weeks. And thus have felt endlessly guilty for not doing so. Therefore, I'm going to do what is commonly known as "getting off my lazy ass and typing up the damn story already." Here you go. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: If I owned Kingdom Hearts, there would be all sorts of unspeakable goings-on and Disney would refuse to allow its purity to be sullied by association with my work. So I therefore don't own it. Please don't sue me.
Rating: T. Some material is not appropriate for the little kiddies.
Suggested Listening: Post Blue - Placebo
To Celendiar. Bestest reviewer and bestest friend of all time. For you, sweetheart, always for you.
Claustrophobia
by ShadowAili
"Roxas?"
I shivered at the voice. I loosened my grip on my knees a little, uncurled ever so slightly from my fetal position. The owner of the voice squatted down a few feet away from me; I trembled at the proximity.
A soft sigh. "It happened again, huh?"
"Y-yeah," I said softly, barely able to get the words out.
"It's okay, Rox. There's no one close by. It's okay. Do you think you can take my hand?" He held it out to me.
Slowly I reached out with a trembling hand. My fingers shook as they touched his. "It's okay," he assured me again. My hand closed over his. He pulled me up on my feet.
I breathed deeply as the terror faded. "I think it's all right now." I hugged my rescuer tightly. "Thanks, Sora."
There goes Roxas Hikari. God, what a freak.
I tried to ignore them. They just didn't understand, I told myself. They couldn't know what it was like.
Still, sometimes it was nearly unbearable. To be singled out like that, just because I was different. And I wasn't even "different" all the time; it only happened sometimes. Somehow, being in-between only made the situation worse.
Someone plunked down their things by me. I looked over, shocked. A tall redhead with teardrop tattoos under his green eyes grinned at me. "Hey, I'm new here. Axel Minoru. What's your name?" He leaned in close.
"R-R-Roxas Hikari," I squeaked. The terror was rising up in me again. I scooted away slightly.
He frowned. "What's wrong?"
At this point, Kairi - my brother Sora's ex-girlfriend and one of my worst tormentors - had noticed the new boy talking to me. "Hey, don't even bother," she said as she sauntered over. "Roxas thinks he's too good for the likes of us. Mere mortals can't dare to approach him." She gave him an appraising look, then smiled coyly. "Why don't you come hang out with me and my friends? We'd be happy to meet you."
Axel glanced from her to me. "Thanks, but . . . . I prefer to judge people for myself," he said, choosing his words carefully.
She shrugged. "Let me know if you change your mind." And with that, she turned and sauntered back to her little group.
Axel sat down and grinned at me. "I hate people like that, don't you?"
I nodded slightly, throat dry with fear.
Axel laughed. "C'mon, I'm not going to eat you. What's wrong?" He leaned in towards me.
"I have a kind of claustrophobia," I managed to choke out.
Immediately he jerked back, an expression of guilt and remorse washing over his face. "Oh. Oh God. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll - I'll go sit somewhere else -"
"N-no!" I stammered hurriedly. "I'll . . . . I'll be okay. I'm not - superior or -"
"Of course you're not!" he cried indignantly, grabbing his bag. "How can anyone say that you are? It's not your fault, I -"
"Please . . . . don't go," I pleaded in my small voice. "I'll be all right. It always goes away after a while."
He stared at me for a few moments, then carefully settled back down. "Really?"
"Y-yeah. My claustrophobia . . . . it's weird, it comes and goes in short, sharp bursts. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I'm huddled in a fetal position in the corner."
Axel smiled ruefully. "That's just the way it goes, I guess. Tell me if I make you too uncomfortable."
I smiled. "Yeah. Thanks."
I looked up from reading Heart of Darkness. "Hm? Oh, hey, Sora. Yeah, Axel's pretty cool."
My brother grinned as he plopped down by me on my bed. "I'm so glad you've got a friend. I was worried about you, all alone every day."
I looked down, blushing. "Well, Axel's nice enough to make up for all of them. It's just . . . ."
"What?"
"Whenever I'm around him, my claustrophobia kicks in. He's like a trigger for me. I dunno why. I feel terrible about it, always cowering in fear from my own best friend. It's so stupid. Why am I afraid of him?"
Sora shrugged. "You can't help it. I'm sure Axel understands, or he wouldn't be such a good friend."
I smiled and returned to my book.
I smiled as I heard Axel's voice. A moment later, my friend walked into the class, an annoyed expression on his face. "Hey, Rox."
I smiled through the sudden rush of fear I always felt around him. I'd learned to ignore it, for the most part. As long as he didn't come too close, it was fine. "That's what, thirteen times you've turned her down now?"
"Fourteen," he muttered, raking a hand through his crimson locks. "She never learns, does she?"
I shrugged. "It's Kairi, what d'you expect?"
He laughed. "Well, can I help it if I'm so damnably sexy?"
"Well . . . ." I grinned. "You could always shave your head and disappoint the entire female population of Twilight High. At least most of them would stop hounding you for dates."
He grinned back. "Nah, I've gotta keep my hair on the off chance it reels in my One True Love someday."
"Why, Axel, I never knew you were so romantic."
"Shh, don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my rep. And bring in even more girls."
I laughed. "If that's even possible. Idiot."
He made a motion toward me; my breath caught, and I scooted back ever so slightly. Immediately he thought better of it and leaned back in his seat, grinning even wider. "C'mon, Rox. You know you love me for it."
I turned to the voice. "Oh, hey Namine." I smiled. Namine was a quiet girl in my art class who was always kind to me. "What's up?"
"I . . . ." She looked down, blushing, and suddenly squeezed her eyes shut and hugged me. "Roxas, I really, really like you!"
I froze, shocked. "Namine . . . . what . . . . ?"
She hurriedly kissed my cheek and started backing away. "You . . . . you don't have to respond right away . . . . think about it for a few days . . . . okay?" Suddenly, she turned tail and ran.
I stared after her, shell-shocked.
"And just what," another voice growled, "was that?"
I looked over. "Oh, hey, Axe-"
He took a step forward, an expression of pure fury on his face. I shut up and shrank back against the lockers. "She can touch you," he growled. "She can hug you and be with you and never has to be on the lookout constantly, always making sure that you don't freak out." He took another step closer.
I was feeling dizzy, fear spiraling around inside of me. "A-Axel . . . ." I whimpered.
Suddenly he pinned me roughly against the lockers and leaned down to yell in my face. "Why can't I, Roxas? Why am I the only one who can't touch you? Why does it have to be just me?!"
Fear overwhelmed me, and I pressed my hands over my ears, squeezing my eyes shut as I screamed, "GET AWAY! STAY AWAY FROM ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I was very dimly aware of the hands letting go of my shoulders. The fear swamped me, pulling me down, making everything dark. I couldn't breathe. My head felt so light.
"Roxas!"
Everything went black.
He sighed. "Rox, I've explained to you, several times. It's not a burden to have you homeschooled. You're much better off in an environment you're not uncomfortable with."
"But -"
"No buts, Roxas! Go back to sleep. I'll be back once school is over." Sora pushed me back into my room and closed the door.
I sighed as I lay down on my bed. 'But I miss Axel.'
"Did Axel come by today?" I heard Sora say. I stopped.
"No, thank goodness," my mother's voice replied. "Hopefully he's finally taken the hint, and he'll leave Roxas alone now."
Sora let out a relieved sigh. "Good. I don't want him anywhere near Rox. He doesn't deserve to be, not after what he did."
"Yes . . . . poor Roxas, having to go through that. His own best friend!"
"No." Sora's voice was surprisingly hard. I'd never heard him sound this angry. "Axel was never Roxas's friend. Friends don't do things like that."
"It's a miracle we've been able to keep him away from Roxas so well this far. Thank goodness. Roxas shouldn't have to bear dealing with him at all. He shouldn't have to face that again."
"Excuse me?" I burst out, unable to stay quiet any longer. I walked into the living room. "Did I just hear that right? You've been keeping Axel away from me, not even telling me that he's been by, because you thought I couldn't handle it?!"
Sora jumped up, looking guilty and incredibly remorseful. "Roxas, it wasn't like that! We were only trying to -"
"I don't care what you've been trying to do! You've been keeping Axel away from me deliberately!" I yelled, and realized that I was crying. "All this time I thought he hated me, and now I find that it's because of you!"
"Roxas -"
I ran from the living room and out the front door, ignoring Sora's and my mother's yells behind me. I had to find Axel. I'd only been to his house once, to study for our final on Heart of Darkness, but I was sure that I could find it again.
Half an hour later, I had found the house and was knocking desperately on the front door. 'Please, Axel, please be there . . . .'
I heard footsteps, and Axel opened the door, his clothes messy, his hair disheveled, and overall looking like crap. "Yeah, what - Roxas?"
I steeled myself against the fear and threw my arms around him, sobbing into his chest. "I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry! My brother and my mom never told me that you'd come by! I'm so sorry, Axel. I missed you so much . . . ."
There were a few tense moments of silence. Then, softly, "Roxas?"
I sniffled and looked up at him.
He looked incredulous. "Roxas, you're . . . . you're really here . . . ." His arms moved to encircle me; my breath hitched. Immediately they dropped to his sides again. "Heh, sorry . . . . God, I wanted to tell you that for so long. I feel terrible about what I did to you, Roxas. There's no excuse for it."
"'S okay," I mumbled. "You were just upset. Sorry I didn't come by sooner." Slowly I released my grip and stepped back a little, my pounding heart calming down slightly.
"Well, um . . . ." Suddenly Axel seemed embarrassed. "D'you . . . . d'you want to come in?"
I smiled. "Sure. I'd love to."
"It's a bit of a mess," he warned as he let me inside.
"That's fine." I picked my way through and sat down on the couch.
Axel closed the door quietly and joined me on the couch, careful to sit on the opposite end so that he wouldn't crowd me. He took a deep breath. "I wanted to explain to you . . . . what happened that day."
"That's okay, you don't -"
"No, I do! You see . . . ." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "God. Roxas, please don't hate me."
"I couldn't ever hate you!" I protested fiercely. "I risked the wrath of my family coming here, doesn't that say anything?"
He laughed weakly, bitterly. "You couldn't hate me? Not even if I told you that I was gay . . . . and that I was in love with you?"
I froze.
"I . . . . I was so jealous, that day," he whispered. "So jealous of that girl. She could be close to you, and she hardly knew you . . . . and you were terrified to touch me, your best friend. I got so angry. I wanted to be able to do that so badly. So I blew up at you about it." He looked at me, guilt and despair in his emerald eyes. "I'm so sorry. I just wanted to explain to you . . . .you deserved an explanation. I won't ever bother you again, I promise."
I scooted slightly closer to him. "You . . . . you're in love with me?"
"Yeah." He looked away with a sigh.
I scooted still closer to him. I was trembling with fear, but I tried to block it out as I touched my lips to his cheek.
He let out a little gasp. "Roxas, what -"
"I think I love you, too," I said quietly, resting my head on his shoulder. "You . . . . you're the only person who ever noticed me, took the trouble to get to know me. I wanted so much to see you . . . . but I thought you hated me. I couldn't stand it. And hearing you say that . . . . makes me really, really happy . . . ." I trailed off.
We stayed like that for a while, my head resting on his shoulder. He started shaking; I pulled away. "Axel?" I realized with horror that he was crying. "Oh, no! Axel, don't cry, please don't . . . ." I reached out a hand to wipe his tears away.
He grabbed my hand and pressed it to his lips. "God, Roxas," he whispered hoarsely. "You have no idea, no idea how happy you just made me. I never - I thought it was impossible - that you couldn't ever love me back . . . ." He smiled shakily and sniffled, then laughed. "God, I'm such a mess, aren't I? Saying shit like that, crying . . . . not at all myself today. Sorry Rox . . . ."
I smiled. "Idiot," I told him, my voice breaking.
"You know you love it." He grinned mischievously, then suddenly became serious. "Roxas . . . . would it be all right if I . . . . hugged you?"
I took a deep breath, then nodded.
"Don't worry, I'll do my best not to scare you." Slowly he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. My heart pounded, my instincts screamed at me to run, but Axel was so warm and inviting . . . . once I got past the fear, it was nice. I snuggled into him a little and sighed. 'Right now,' I thought, 'life is pretty good.'
I snapped out of my daydream and smiled. "Hey, Axel."
"What were you thinking about, hmm?"
I grinned. "It's my 18th birthday tomorrow."
"I know! Can't wait," Axel said cheerfully. "Finally, you'll be able to come to my house without sneaking out of yours!" I was back at school now, but my mother and Sora still didn't approve of my relationship with Axel, so we hardly ever had any time to ourselves. "Speaking of which, you're still on for tomorrow night, right?"
I laughed. "And miss my own birthday party? Of course I'll be there, idiot!"
"Oh, good. Reno would expire of disappointment if you didn't, you know."
I giggled. "Oh yes, Axel, I'm sure your older brother will miss me much more than you would."
"Yeah, because he'd just sit around and mope about it, whereas I will forcibly drag your ass there if you don't show up," my boyfriend informed me. He leaned down slowly, so as not to startle me, and very gently eased his lips over mine.
I heard a pencil snap and sighed. "You might as well get used to me and Axel going out, Sora," I called.
"C'mon, love," Axel whispered in my ear. "Go easy on him. He's just trying to look out for what's best for you."
"You're what's best for me," I muttered, twisting around to press my lips to his.
He chuckled softly and pulled away. "Roxas . . . ."
I pouted. "Fine, fine. I'll try."
"Good boy." He kissed my forehead gently and ruffled my hair, his leaf-green eyes filled with love.
I sighed. "You don't have to come, Sora," I informed him.
He gave me a "what-are-you-on?" kind of look. "Look, if you have one of your episodes, who'll look after you?"
"Axel will do fine, he knows about what's up with my claustrophobia," I told him.
"And how d'you know he won't just exacerbate it again? I'm not leaving you alone with him."
I stepped up to the door and rang the bell. "It's a party, Sora, try to be happy."
Axel answered the door, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. "Roxas! Glad you're here! Come on in!" He grabbed my wrist, careful not to startle me. Then he turned to Sora. "Hey, glad you could make it." Sora responded with a "Hmf," but his expression lightened the slightest bit.
Axel led me down the hallway, Sora trailing behind us. "I invited a few of my friends over, they've all been wanting to meet you. Hope you don't mind."
"No, that's great!" I laughed. "The more the merrier!" Discomfort hammered in my chest, but it was easily ignored.
"Good." He grinned, leading me into the kitchen.
"Happy Birthday Roxas!" a chorus of voices came.
"So this is your new boyfriend, huh, Axel?" one person asked.
"Wow, he's cute!" another said.
"Nice to meet you, Roxas," and a hand was stuck out for me to shake.
Suddenly I was surrounded by people, buffeting me back and forth, noise coming from all sides. The room seemed to squeeze in on itself. I crouched down suddenly and screamed, and immediately everything went silent.
Except one voice. "EVERYONE GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ROXAS, NOW!" Axel yelled as loud as he could. As the bodies around me scrambled away, another pushed through them urgently. "Roxas?" Sora's voice called as he came over to me. "Roxas, are you -"
I shrieked and lashed out at him. Immediately he backed away, looking shocked and hurt. "Roxas, what the hell is wrong with you? It's me! Sora! Don't you -"
"Hey," someone else said, a boy with silver hair, as he began to persistently tug my twin away from me. "Not now, kid. We have to calm him down."
"Definitely," I heard Axel mutter as he walked through and crouched down a few feet away from me. "Everyone, can you all clear out while Roxas settles down? And Riku, take Sora outside and get him calmed down, too. I'll stay here." Slowly, slowly, the press of bodies cleared. It was just Axel now. But even he alone was terrifying. I whimpered and scooted away a little.
"Roxas?" he asked quietly. "Roxas, it's me. It's Axel. Don't be afraid."
I whimpered softly again, breathing in shallow gasps.
"I won't come any closer, Rox, it's okay. I'm . . . . I'm going to tell you a story, Rox, and I want you to just concentrate on my voice and try to calm down, okay?"
I nodded slightly, trying to breathe deeply.
"This is gonna sound really sappy. But it's true, Roxas, so listen up. I noticed you the minute I came into our class, Roxas. Sitting alone, so beautiful, so vulnerable . . . . I just wanted to be near you, to touch you. I thought you were gorgeous. And then we started talking, and I got to know you, and I realized what an amazing person you were. Even if you had a problem, you were still so incredible. So I fell in love. So many people wanted me, but . . . . all I wanted was you. Wanted so much for you to see me the way I saw you."
"Axel?" I whispered, reaching out a hand slowly.
He smiled in relief and laced his fingers with mine. "You all right, Roxas?"
"No, but . . . . I will be in a few minutes. Thanks, Axel . . . ." I sighed shakily. "God, your friends must think I'm such a freak now."
To my surprise, he suddenly blushed and gave out an embarrassed cough. "Actually . . . . after some of the stuff I did, you look pretty sane."
"Huh?"
"Didn't you wonder why I transferred in the middle of senior year, Rox?" He sighed and looked away, his hand tightening over mine. "I'm a pyromaniac, and I have a temper. Your school was the only one that would take me after I got kicked out of my last one for burning down the Chem lab."
"Oh. Well, when you put it like that . . . ." I crawled over to Axel and cuddled up to him. "We should go find Sora. I need to apologize."
He brushed a hand through my hair lovingly. "Why was he so freaked out? He's your brother, he should be used to it."
I sighed. "I've never tried to hurt him before. He's the safe one for me, normally."
"Oh." Axel stood and helped me up, rubbing my shoulder soothingly as we walked down the hall and out the front door.
We were immediately greeted by the sight of my twin pushed up against a wall, engaged in a heavy make-out session with the silver-haired boy who had dragged him away. "HOLY SHIT!" I screeched, too shocked to be tactful.
They sprang apart like startled rabbits, a heavy blush coming over Sora's face. "R-Roxas! It's . . . . it's not what it looks like! I was just upset and - and he was trying to make me feel better and . . . ."
"Damn, you move pretty fast, Riku," Axel remarked. The silver-haired boy shrugged, a smug little grin on his face.
"Well, um . . . . I wanted to say sorry, Sora," I stammered out. "It's okay now, and we're going to get the party started again . . . ."
"So now we'll just head off to do that and leave you two lovebirds to your . . . . fun." Axel smirked as he pulled me back into the house.
Sora blushed and squawked indignantly.
"Don't forget to wear a rubber, Riku!" Axel yelled cheerily as he closed the door.
He and I took one look at each other and burst out laughing.
"Mmm . . . . you know what they say, third time's the charm," he murmured, his hands caressing my bare chest.
I sighed. Abruptly he stopped and pulled back. "You all right, Rox?"
"Yeah."
"You sure you want to try this?"
"Mm-hmm."
He pulled me close and feathered kisses along my jawbone. My heart pounded crazily. "Relax," he whispered softly. "We're going to take this slow, I promise. I won't make the same mistakes I did the first time we tried."
I smiled a little, embarrassed. That was the time at the Senior Ball, where Axel and I had gotten a little carried away with our heated kisses. We'd left early, and he'd taken me back to his place, throwing me down on the bed and quickly stripping us down. Neither of us was thinking in our passion-filled daze, until he'd touched me a little too roughly, and I'd shoved him off and run out screaming.
We'd tried again on Graduation Night. That hadn't gone over too well, either, though Axel had been much more careful of me and had been a mere breath away from claiming me when my fear had overwhelmed me.
"Mmm . . . ." My boyfriend nuzzled his nose into my neck, his fingers ghosting down my torso to rest lightly on the waistband of my pants. "Are you really sure about us moving in together like this?"
"Idiot." I laughed shakily. "What kind of a stupid question is that? I love you, of course I want to live with you."
"Has Sora been bothering you about it?"
I smirked. "He tried to. I told him that if that was the case, then he shouldn't be moving in with Riku either. That shut him up."
Axel chuckled against my skin. "I'll bet." He undid my pants button and zipper, sliding them down slowly. His hands returned to my hips, massaging gentle circles into them.
I gave off a little whimper, and he paused. Immediately I grabbed his face and crushed his lips to mine, kissing him wildly.
"Roxas . . . ." he panted as we parted for air. "Roxas, are you sure?"
"Yes . . . ." I moaned. "Please, yes."
"I love you . . . ." he whispered softly, his caresses becoming more urgent now. "I love you, Roxas."
I kissed him again, and he shut up. But he said it again, when his hands reached down and began stroking gently, as he urged me to relax in the same breath. He said it again, when he spread open my legs and used his fingers to stretch me out gently. He said it again, when he lifted my legs onto his shoulders and began to move in an awkward mixture of rough passion and gentle tenderness. He said it again, when we both cried out in ecstasy and slumped in a heap.
"I love you, Roxas. Now and forever."
As he lay beside me, breathing harshly, I cuddled into him and, for the first time, felt no fear.
"I love you too, Axel."
And I knew that now, everything was going to be all right.
I display once again my weakness for fluffy endings.
Okay, so I know that this probably isn't one of my best works. Rather OOC and not well-written, I thought. Aagh. I just randomly got the inspiration to write this one day. See, I based the premise off of my own experiences. Roxas's claustrophobia is a bit like a more severe version of mine. Aside from the random "I'm-afraid-of-Axel" bit. I do seriously get these attacks sometimes. Not very often at all, but sometimes. On the other hand, when it does happen and I try to explain it to people, they look at me like I'm crazy or like I have something against them or like I'm deliberately being a difficult bitch. Which I'm not. It really pisses me off when people act like that to me. I randomly got one of these attacks in Math class one day, and in an effort to distract myself from the fear I started writing an AkuRoku based around it. I wanted to try and get across a bit of what it was like for me, and the fact that just because a person has this kind of a condition doesn't mean that they don't have their own thoughts and feelings, or that you should single them out for that reason. And then the story grew into what you see here. It's not very good, but I felt that it had to be written. And so I decided to post it.
I hope it wasn't too bad, though. Seriously. Tell me what you thought, I'd like to know. Thanks everyone.
Be seeing you . . . .
-Aili
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