|A Sour Snicket Meets An Impostor
Author: Summertyme PM
What if Lemony Snicket was angry of the fact that someone else played his part in the film?Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor - Lemony S. - Words: 535 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 02-20-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3405114
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A Sour Snicket Meets An Impostor
Lemony Snicket swooped majestically through the night air on his lemon peel wings. He was out to kill.
He examined his GPS. "What the friggin'? This can't help me find a man. This is for places and, buildings. After I kill the Impostor, the guy who gave me this thing is gonna be in big trouble.
As he flew silently and gracefully over the rooftops, he spotted city lights. "Ahh! There's Hollywood. He tossed the GPS and exploded in a magnificent array of fireworks and ribbons. He soared on.
Finally he reached his destination: the balcony of a famous and incredibly handsome actor. The actor just so happened to be standing on his balcony at this particular time. He seemed to enjoy inhaling the polluted air of the city.
Lemony landed and took the actor by the throat, teeth clenched, and foaming at the mouth. The actor squealed and snorted.
"Who are you?" the actor asked, not at all scared, or at least he was acting that way.
Lemony's eyes widened and an evil grin spread across his face. "I am, the Sour Snicket and you are the Impostor, Jude Law! You will die! I have rabies!" He bit down hard into Jude Law's cheek. The actor squealed and snorted and began to...to wiggle?
He changed into a pig right before the Sour Snicket's eyes. And suddenly a slaughter's truck drove up.
Two men got out carrying harpoon guns. "Sorry about the pig, Mr. Law. We'll get him," called one of the men. Lemony looked angrily at the man for his mistake of identity, but changed his expression when a compliment came.
"Those lemon peels look real nice on you. They for a movie?"
"Why, thank you," Lemony said in a Count Olaf voice, "But it's not for a movie, it's just for show. Oh, and I can fly with them, if you care to know. Well, enough chit-chat. take this pig down."
Both of the men each put a harpoon in their gun and fired before Lemony could protest. One struck the pig square in the nose. He stumbled and fell over the side of the balcony onto the paved street below.
The other one, though, headed straight for the Sour Snicket himself. But before it could hit him square in the nose, he caught it with his hand and threw it back at the man who had stupidly aimed badly. It, of course, hit him square in the nose and he fell and died.
Lemony chuckled. "Not what I had planned, but it will do nicely." And he flew off into the night.
The man who had not been so mercilessly killed, dragged the two bodies to the back of the truck and heaved them carelessly into one of the boxes stashed there, containing things that I will not mention. And no one ever saw them again, except for the person who is going to have them on their delicately prepared dinner table.
Be careful that person might be you.