Sam hated summer vacation. The other boys in his class were excited. But not Sam. There wouldn't be lazy days spent hanging out with his friends, no summer jobs delivering papers or mowing lawns. There would only be the passengers seat of his brother's car, and the smell of blood and burning corpses. His hands would become dry and cracked from loading rounds with the rock salt that they always carried in the back of the vehicles even in the summer. Especially in the summer.

Unlike Dean he had made close friends during the course of the year. He wouldn't be allowed to stay in touch with them. Couldn't afford the paper trail and calling was too expensive. He had even had his first real girlfriend here, not that Dean thought she was a real girlfriend. But apparently in Dean's world there were two things that had to happen for a girl to be a real girlfriend. You had to be able to take her on a grown up date, and you had to stick your tongue in her mouth. He thought that was just gross. Fortunately so did his girlfriend.

Now he had to figure out how to tell her good bye. Come up with some lie about where they were going and why. The usual story was going on vacation, and just not come back the following year. He hated that. Lying to everyone he knew about everything, but let him lie to his father just once, about anything, and he was never to be trusted again.

Even if he had only done it to have a little time to himself.

He entered the school grounds and walked up the steps. It was late and the doors were locked. But that was alright. He didn't need to be inside. He just needed to be there. He was who his father wanted him to be when he was at home (not that home was a real word. It was another lie.) but at school he could be who he wanted to be. Where he could pretend that he was Normal , that his family was Normal . But they weren't, no matter how much he lied or pretended. Normal was another word like Home, it belonged to other people.

He was proud of what his father and brother did. Not that he could say anything to anyone. They saved lives every time they went out on a hunt. He knew that. But this was the year he was finally old enough to really join in on the hunt. This was the year that he had to kill. Not out of self defense, but to actually be the aggressor and take something down that had never harmed him in his life. Even though he knew that what they would be going after was evil or tormented and needing to be sent on into the afterlife, it was different. It was scary.

Everything would change this year. He would change. He had seen the change in his brother. Dean and their father seemed to bond closer together and sometimes Sam felt as though he were an outsider. Alien in his own family. He used to wonder if he were adopted. Almost asked once but figured it would hurt his fathers feelings if he did. Would seem ungrateful. So he sat in the back seat with his books and his hand held games and watched as his father and brother drew closer together, and he tried (and failed) not to argue too much.

He hoped that it was the same with him, that being part of the actual hunt would bond him closer to his father, that they could all be that close but Sam knew that it wouldn't. He and his father did nothing but argue anymore. There were times that if it weren't for Dean, Sam would have run away.

Times like now. When his world was turning upside down and all he could do was pray for cold weather and school to start again so he could go back to pretending he was normal, instead of pretending that he wasn't.

"Hey freak." Dean said. He'd noticed his brother was missing, and it didn't take much for Dean to find him. He usually always found him. Weirdly enough. He slung himself over the railing and sat down on the steps beside Sam. "What's up?" He asked seriously.

It wasn't that moving didn't bother Dean. He was used to it. Sure, he'd miss some people around here, he was fairly well liked, and those that didn't he'd beaten the crap out of. He'd done the same for those who 'didn't like' his brother as well. It had been a busy year.

Sam shrugged. He didn't know if there was any point in saying anything. It wasn't like it would change anything. "Nothing." He doubted Dean would understand. Would just think he was being stupid again or girly cause it bothered him. He had expected Dean to find him sooner or later. It wasn't like he was hiding. He just wanted to be someplace … else. Away from all the excited talk about leaving. He wasn't excited about it all.

"All right." Dean said. Well, he was leaving town anyway. And no one knew where he was going. It wouldn't do harm to his reputation. "Come on, Sammy." He said, standing up. It wasn't like he was all for doing something emotional like talking about his feelings or anything. He was one big hormonal ball, he just learned to put a big fat rubber band on the ball to keep it in check.

"I don't wanna go back yet. I'll pack tomorrow." He said, thinking his brother was taking him back home. There was that word again. He swore to himself that he would weed that word out of his vocabulary. It wasn't real. Didn't exist. Right up there with unicorns and Santa Claus.

And moms. His friends had moms. Dads that talked to them instead of barking orders or demanding to know what he was thinking… and not in the sharing sort of way, Sam still figured he was way ahead of the game as far as big brothers went. He wouldn't trade Dean for a hundred of his friends brothers. Even if he was a jerk most of the time now that he was supposedly all grown up.

"We're not going home." Dean said with a shrug. "You coming or not? I mean, if you want, you can pout here all alone until someone comes to chase you off, or you can come with me and pout anyway. More fun my way though."

Again with that word. "It's not home." Sam said as he got up to go with Dean. It had been a while since they had done anything together that didn't involve chores or … well… chores of a more esoteric nature. "Where are we going?"

"A bar." Dean said. Sure, he was underage, and Sammy even more so, but he had some connections. Plus a fake ID (one of many), and he could get Sammy in on charm alone, he was pretty sure. "Don't embarrass me, let's just try to kiss this town good bye, all right?"

The thought of his father's reaction alone was enough to perk Sam up just a little. His father wanted to drag him off chasing hell itself, and leave all his friends behind, then he could just deal with it. Besides, it wasn't like his Dad hadn't frequented a lot of bars lately, and Sam had been wondering what the appeal was. "I won't embarrass you if you don't call me freak or treat me like I'm 7 while we are in there. I am sick of being treated like a little kid."

"Don't act like you're seven and you are a freak." Dean said with a chuckle as they got into the Impala. Given to him on his sixteenth birthday, probably the best present he'd ever gotten. Well, second best. The first was Sam, but he'd never say that in public or aloud! He was a 'tough' guy after all, and was even perceived as such by everyone. He hung with a tough crowd, he drank with a tough crowd and he hunted with a tough crowd.

"I don't act like I am seven, and you're a jerk." In most ways Sam was actually very mature for his age. In spite of the fact that he had been pretty much raised by his older brother instead of his father. But the fact of the matter was there was only so much maturity you could pack in a 13 year old body. Responsibility could come in small packages, but maturity was a different matter entirely. People would often mistake one for the other but it just wasn't so, not really. "I have to come up with a lie to tell Kayla." He said as buckled his seat belt. "I hate lying all the time." It was safe to let that much out, right? "Especially since I'm not any good at it."

"Then don't lie." Dean said with a shrug as he pulled out of the school parking lot. "That's what I do. I just...disappear. Leaves people wondering for a bit. The mystery thing, great for picking up girls. I promise. Besides, it's not like we can tell the truth, that our father has a hit on a fire walking demon outside Memphis and we have to go put it in its place. They'd lock us up." Normal people refused to see what was right in front of their eyes.

"I know. " Sam said. "Seems like I'm lying all the time, pretending to be something I'm not. " At home, at school, He wasn't even sure who or what he was anymore. His father had no trust in him, his brother was embarrassed to be seen with him most of the time, and none of his friends could really be called friends because they didn't know who he was. They were just rubes, and he was conning them into thinking he was who they would want to hang with. "Guess that's life though isn't it?" He wasn't blind. He knew how his father paid for things when they weren't settled into a town. He knew how they got the information they needed.

"Sam, that's how our life is." Dean said as he pulled into the parking lot of bar. He knew if their mother was alive, it would be completely different. They'd still be in Lawrence , a place Sam had only heard about and couldn't remember. Much like their mother. They'd have a normal school life, and normal after school lives, Dean would probably have a normal part time job...he shrugged those thoughts off. They weren't worth it. "Come on. I'm gonna teach you how to hustle pool." He knew his brother could play, he'd taught him after all.

Sam wanted to ask his brother what had changed between them. Before they had been inseparable. Dean had been proud of him. He knew cause his brother had told him so, now all he seemed to say if they were going to be seen together was 'don't embarrass me'. Sam figured in the way of all children that the world revolved around him. Not that he was the center of the universe but that he was responsible some how for things that happened good or bad. If his father was mad, he assumed it was his fault, if Dean got into trouble that was his fault some how, if his brother were embarrassed by him… he must have done something to make him ashamed of him. And that hurt. Cause for the life of him he couldn't figure out what it was. But now wasn't the time to ask. Dean was actually willing to do something with him. He didn't want to ruin that.

"Okay… so… I should keep my mouth shut no matter what you say in there then." Hustling was in a way a con. But it was okay because people that they took advantage of were actually trying to take advantage of them. So it didn't bother Sammy in the slightest.

"Exactly." Dean said with a chuckle as they headed in. Hustling pool was fun. It was interactive and required skill. And, for once, it was fairly age appropriate he supposed. So he and Sam got a table, Dean got a beer for him and a soda for Sam, and Dean started to shoot solo pool. Badly. Sam had never seen his brother miss so many easy shots.

Sam kept quiet. His voice still cracked occasionally and he didn't want to give away his age. He was already almost 6 ft tall (which didn't add to his popularity at school, standing a full head above most of his class mates) if he kept his mouth shut no one would ask questions. But wow… Dean had to work to play pool that badly. Sam hadn't even played that badly in a long time.

He watched the room noticing those that were taking note of his brother. He would have placed bets and won, on who would come over first. It was an older man, a little older than his dad he guessed. From the size of his gut he had been in here drinking and chowing on crap more than anything else.

"So you up for a friendly game?" The man asked Dean with a grin on his face.

"Sure Mister!" Dean said enthusiastically with an innocent smile. "My brother and I are just killing time...what kind of game here?" He slipped Sam the car keys, incase he had to get the car started in a hurry while Dean covered their exit. One never knew.

Sam knew how to drive. Not well, but at 13 it wasn't necessary to drive well it was necessary to get the car moving fast away from where it was. They had both learned at very early ages to do things that most people in Dean's classes didn't know how to do. He pocketed them and sipped at his coke as he watched the scene unfold.

The man made a suggestion for rules, and generously offered to explain what he meant seeing Dean's feigned look of confusion. It was obvious he thought he had a sucker on the hook, and Sam would have felt sorry for him if they guy didn't look so smug about it. And the mood he was in, he was going to enjoy watching Dean kick his ass at pool.

Dean played along for two games, then suggested upping the stakes to an all or nothing game. Coming off like mama's rich boy trying to be a bad ass on the wrong side of town. It apparently worked, because the man, with a smirk, took him up on it. Dean let him go first, and let off whistles of appreciation (faked) at some of the shots. Three in all until the man missed, "on purpose," he said, to give Dean a chance. Dean kept the money in eyesight, since they laid it out on the table, and cleaned off the pool table in one turn.

Sam watched the scene play out, waiting for the cues to head out to the car, and it looked like that might be happening as several others stepped up to the plate. Sam touched his brother on the arm as he passed, heading for the door, in a lets go bro signal. Their father would kill them if they came home all battered and bruised by regular people. Some how that was bad. Getting torn to shreds by things that go bump in the night, that was okay. Sam didn't understand his family, but he definitely loved them.

"I think I've been hustled." The man said with a glare as his buddies gathered round.

"Lucky game." Dean said with an easy smile and nodded at Sam. Now would be a good time to get going. God knew John would be ready to hand their asses to them if Dean caused a fight here. And especially if he got Sam in the middle of it. "Been fun." He said and shoved the money in his pocket and pushed Sam toward the door. A few took steps toward them. "Nice playing with y'all!" He said and dragged Sam out of the door. "Keys!" He said, holding his hand out as they walked very fast.

Sam handed them over to him. "You know… sometimes I think you have Dad's way of charming people right into a fist fight." He said as he started toward the car at a run, hearing the angry sounds within, knowing they would be angry sounds without any second.

Dean laughed as he got into the car and peeled out of the parking lot before Sam even had his seat belt on. He'd never learned to formally drive, but he did all right, even if it was a work in progress when it came to normal driving on normal roads.

"Come on, that was fun. Did you see the look on his face when I started kicking his ass?" Dean said with a grin. It was an adrenaline rush. And got them some spending money.

Sam grinned over at his brother then, the first actual smile out of him in weeks. "I think he actually thought he could whoop your ass after you did that to him." He said laughing. Sam knew better. The only human being Sam thought could beat his brother was their father. "Do you do this a lot?" He asked.

"Yeah well, it was fun proving him wrong. It's how I get spending money. Dad doesn't exactly have an executive level job and I don't exactly stay in one place long enough to get, I don't know, a real job or something." He said with a chuckle. He took the money out of his pocket and handed it to his brother. "How much did we make today?"

Sam started counting the money out. "250." He said looking very impressed. "Wow he was an idiot." Sam couldn't imagine throwing money away when you didn't have to, then again money was a precious commodity with the Winchesters. On the road it didn't exist it was a series of credit cards that they managed to get their hands on. In town they were saving as much as they could to have handy while on the road.

"Just doing my civic duty to save money from such idiots." Dean said with a chuckle. "Dad's still taking care of business, so how about we go back to the motel, shower," since they reeked of smoke, and neither smoked, "and see what else we can get up to?" His brother was down, he could tell. Probably at moving again.

"Okay." Sam said. He figured Dean was on baby sitting detail again, but he wasn't going to push it. At least he got to spend time with him. He handed the cash back to his brother. "Sounds good. I hate the smell of smoke. Especially after it sits a while." He wondered if he should go to the library before they left town and pick up a few books to take with him to read. Would help pass the time while his father and brother got going about what ever it was they were hunting.

"Hit the showers first." Dean said as he pulled into the motel parking lot. As expected, the truck wasn't there. Dean wanted to be sneaky anyway, and knew his kid brother kept a journal. He'd read his father's every now and again (with a lighter in the dark), Sam would get his read also. Helped him keep his finger on the pulse of the family.

"Thanks." Sam said as he headed into the house. It had been fun, even if it had been more watching Dean do stuff than actually doing something with his brother, but hey , it was something. He hadn't been ashamed to be seen with him. He supposed there was only so much brotherly love that could over come the embarrassment of having him as a brother. He took his time in the shower, trying to chase the mood off before going back out to his brother.

Dean sat down on the bed and pulled out his brother's journal. Wasn't too hard to find, wasn't many places to hide it after all. So he sat down and read it, shaking his head. He didn't remember being this messed up at thirteen and he thought he was plenty messed up at that age. All this talk about death, 'research' into teen suicides (with no seeming paranormal activity about it), and Dean already decided he didn't like the girlfriend. Oh yeah, leaving this place was the best thing for Sam, even if he didn't see it.

Sam toweled dry and tried to get his hair into something resembling cool but it just wasn't happening. He figured he might as well grow it long and have done with it. If he could get his dad to back off about hair cuts all the time. SAM wasn't a marine after all. He came out of the bathroom and headed for the refrigerator to get a soda "Want one?" He asked.

"Sure, crack me open one." Dean said as he headed to the bathroom. He didn't really need to shave, so he didn't. He showered down, and toweled off then dressed again. And waited a moment as he tried to figure out what to do now. This wasn't in his realm of understanding. He didn't understand himself, how was he supposed to understand his brother. But some of the shit in the journal was down right scary. He had to try. So he came out, grabbed his open soda and a bag of M&Ms and opened the door. "Come on, let's take one last look around." Maybe a walk would give him some idea.

"Okay." He said. Dean looked a little weirded out. He didn't know why or how to ask what was bothering him anymore. Hadn't really been much point to it really. Dean usually didn't answer with anything more than a non response about those things. "So what are you gonna miss about this place?" He asked. Maybe that was safe, maybe it wasn't but it was a sideways attempt to figure out what was going on in his brother head. This sudden interest in him again was a bit odd but he welcomed it anyway.

Dean smirked. "Elizabeth Jenkins." He said. "And her sister." But that was Dean, and how Dean's teenage mind worked. Once he'd discovered sex, that was it. His mind constantly and consistently went there. "You?" He said as they started to walk. Wanting to see what was in his mind as well, give him a clue on how to help him.

"Fitting in." Sam said, although he didn't really. He just found other kids that didn't fit in and fit into their niche. "Kayla." He said. "Places I used to hang out. " Sam debated showing his brother some of the places but there were some that they had all sworn never to show anyone else. Even if he was leaving … could he really break that promise?

Dean nodded and just walked. "I don't know, this place was kinda nice. Wouldn't have been that bad a summer." He said with a shrug. But the job had to go one, right? he looked at his brother, he remembered being thirteen. It was hell. It was still hell at seventeen. "Sam...just because I want my own space doesn't mean you're not my brother." he said. "I've just never had it before, and I'm kinda fighting for it."

"I get it." Sam said. Didn't mean it didn't hurt. Didn't make him feel any less alone or lost in his own family. But he could say he got it, and absolve his brother. It was all one in the end. Sam knew what he was. He was a burden. He was always getting Dean in trouble with their father. And he was the reason everything was crazy in their lives. Why else would it have happened in his room, over top of his crib? "No worries."

Dean sighed. He was bad at this. "Sam, I'm not a touchy feely type of guy. I don't watch chick flicks, I don't listen to pop music, and Barbra Streisand is the devil. I don't know what you want from me, but I can listen if you want to talk." He said.

"I want you to be you." He said with a shrug. "I said don't worry about it. Okay… so don't worry about it." Yeah, he wanted to listen. Because now he was going to be stuck with him for several months with no escape. He knew they didn't really want him around. Neither of them did. "I'm too old for you to be around all the time anyway I know Dad makes you. So … it's cool. We're cool."

"Shit, Dad doesn't even know we're out of school yet." Dean said with a scoff. "Sam, I'm not good at this, you know that. But you are my brother, and you're the only brother I've got. Dad's not really here most of the time, any of the time, and when he is, it's all about the hunt. So you're all I've got."

"You're ashamed of me." He said finally. "I may be all you've got but you wish I weren't. " He accused the emotions pouring out whether he wanted to or not. He tried really hard not to cry, he didn't need that right now. But his lower lip trembled anyway. He hated it. "So just forget it. I won't make things difficult this summer and you can escape all you want to in the fall when Dad stops some where again." He turned on his heel then and turned abruptly to go down the alley.

"Whoa, hold up." Dean said and caught up to him. "You want to be moody, angsty and sullen, be my guest. but don't be hearing words I didn't say or I'll beat the crap out of you. I never said any such thing."

"Sorry,.. I embarrass you." He said rolling his eyes, his tone sarcastic, even though there was still pain in the tone. "Same thing. Especially since you remind me all the time NOT to embarrass you . So obviously some where along the line I really embarrassed you. Or maybe it's my existence that is embarrassing. The fact that I'm nothing like you. Just about everyone likes you and the ones that don't are just mad cause everyone else does. I was the kid that got picked on every day. Until I beat the crap out of Danny Calvert for calling mom a name. I didn't even have any friends until then. " He shook his head "Why are we even talking about this you are always the one that says talking doesn't change anything." He started to walk away again.

"No, it doesn't." Dean agreed as he walked with his brother. "Could just say I read your journal, and that's pretty messed up. And you're completely wrong, but you'd get mad at that, right?"

Sam could have gotten mad, probably should have gotten mad. Instead he just shook his head. "Make up your mind Dean, are you my father or my brother?" He said in regard to the invasion of his privacy. He started to walk again, cutting through a hedge wall. Usually he was careful not to disturb the bushes much as he passed in order to keep the privacy of the place but he just didn't care right then. He knew Dean would follow. He was gonna rattle Sam's cage until he got the answers he wanted. Sam just didn't know if he could give them to him in a convincing manner. He should have known that Dean wasn't running around with him just to spend time with him. Dean was on a mission. Off to save Sammy again. But this time Sammy didn't want to be saved.

He crossed the over grown back yard following a well beaten path to an old abandoned house. The one that kids get dared to go and knock on the door on Halloween. He was up the back steps, careful not to step in the soft spots on the boards as he went, not even looking as he did so. Sam came here a lot. Once inside he headed for a room to the left and settled down on one of the pillows and old blankets scattered about the old dining room floor.

So much for writing honestly in his journal. He wasn't going to be fool enough to do that again. He should have known they would read it. "Go back to the hotel Dean. I'm fine. Nothing to rescue me from, okay. You and Dad sort out what I am supposed to think and feel and see and I'll tow the family line alright."

"You're an asshole." Dean said as he plopped down across from Sam. "I remember being thirteen, wasn't so long ago. Convinced the whole world revolved around me. Everything was my fault. Hunt went bad, my fault. I got in trouble at school, so we had to move. Dad goes to get drunk because I somehow pissed him off. Fine, you want to feel that way, can't stop you. But before you go and do something stupid..." Dean shook his head. "You're all I got, Sam. If you go and do something stupid, how am I supposed to get by? What am I supposed to do? We're brothers, and we're in this together."

"But we haven't been, Dean. I've been going through this whole year on my own. " He told his brother and wiped at his eyes. "I never needed anyone else before. You were always there and now I'm the freak you don't want your friends to see you talking to. What am I supposed to think? You tell me I am wrong about it but Dad says a lot of things about how he cares too… doesn't change that he's gone." And Sam didn't mean physically. His father and now apparently his brother didn't seem to understand that. You could swear that you loved someone till you were blue in the face, if you pushed someone away all the time they started to not believe you anymore.

"You're thirteen!" Dean said. "We're at different places. I want to cut school, get laid and get drunk. You like to hang out with morbid kids who worship death and read. That's you, this is me. We're still brothers. We're still both constantly moving, next year we'll both be the new kids in school." For his senior year, which was frightening on its own. "We both have to try and catch up like mad when Dad pulls us out for a hunt. We're both treated like the kids with all the other hunters. I lost my mom too. My father isn't there for me either. I'm just not that, I don't know, good at that whole expressing thing." Because he was learning not to be.

"Why is 13 different than 12 or 11 or any other year. Why did you pick this year to ditch me? What did I do THIS year that was so wrong?" He didn't want to hang out with morbid kids… but they were the only ones that would hang out with him. He was too tall, too skinny, too smart and too clumsy for anyone else to give him the time of day. They weren't who he saw himself belonging to . Weren't who he wanted to be like but they were the only ones that let him in. And it was going to just be more of the same the next year and the year after that. His Dad thought he was an idiot or a baby or both, and Dean… Dean just wanted to be like all the other big brothers out there now. "You know what… never mind.. you're right. I'm wrong. Just- just go away. "

"Like hell." Dean nearly growled as he sat back and ate his M&Ms. "I can sit here and stare at you for hours." He would too, since talking wasn't working. Why couldn't he get it through his skull that just because Dean didn't want to be joined at the hip with superglue didn't mean he didn't need Sam?

"What do you want from me? You didn't want to know what I was thinking or feeling you shouldn't have read my journal. That was private Dean. It was none of your business." He said. "You want your own space , fine, but it's not cool to go invading mine and then jumping me about what you found there." Dean was gonna be just like their father. Something more important was always around for him to do, and Sam was just a stupid kid. Maybe if they would stop every once in a while to see what was going on in his life without telling him he was wrong or causing trouble, maybe he wouldn't be asking all the time. But if Dean wanted distance and boundaries, Sam would give it to him. "You want to be like all the normal brothers out there. At least one of us gets to be normal about something. Congratulations. Have fun… stay out of my stuff."

"What the hell do you want from me, Sammy?" Dean snapped. He was trying, and he was trying hard. But right now he just wanted to smack the shit out of his kid brother.

"No.. you don't get to be the wounded party in this." Sam said just as angry as his brother. "I didn't even start this. I just wanted to be left alone. You're the one that followed me and you're the one that got into my journal without asking. You're the one that doesn't have ANY time for me any more. You're the one that's turning into Dad. I thought when you came to find me today that maybe you actually wanted to spend time with me. No… You're here playing dad again cause Dad won't. Well you cant have it both ways Dean." He said tears welling in his eyes. "You can either be like we were, or you can be like the other brothers out there. It's your choice. It doesn't matter what I want from you. It doesn't matter what I want from anyone. You get what you're given and that's just fucking life. But don't you dare sit there and try and make me feel bad because I have feelings that don't make you happy. I kept them to myself for a reason. "

"I can play the wounded party if I want. And if I were playing Dad, I would have sat you down, told you that suicide leads to angry tormented spirits, and you'd become what I have to hunt. That's what Dad would have said. Have I said that? No. So get off your throne of angst and just calm down. Yeah I read you journal. Big whoop. You spy on me all the time."

"Calm down? That's not what I meant by playing Dad and you know it." He said. " Although telling me what I see and feel and think is wrong… that's pretty close to Dad. You both treat me like I don't know which end is up. What are the words you want to hear to make this argument go away? I wont commit suicide? Find I won't commit suicide. Happy?" He asked.

"Oh ecstatic." Dean said. "Speaking of Dad, you know why I'm up and out as soon as possible? Because you two are always fighting. Over everything. Breakfast, clothes, whether or not to hunt. You're constantly pushing him and he pushes back and I hate it. I can't listen to it any more, since I can't stop you two. I've tried. I can't do it anymore. Because you're both hard headed stubborn people and you won't listen to me. Neither of you!" And it hurt him to hear them go at it like that. From the moment they woke up until the moment one of them went to sleep. And he didn't know how to fix it, and neither of them would let him.

"I breathe wrong and he's down my throat." Sam said in his own self defense. "He doesn't trust me. I know he loves me, he has to, I'm his son, but he doesn't like me. He doesn't like who I am any more than anyone else does." He shook his head. "I will keep my mouth shut alright. " He was starting to think he should keep his mouth shut regardless. Nothing he said or did, did any good. It wasn't going to get any better either. That was the problem. Because he was the one that was screwing up. He argued with his father. There fore his brother didn't hang around with him any more. Not exactly what Dean had said, Sam knew that but it came down to that in a way. Everything was his fault. His feelings were wrong, his thoughts were wrong, and his actions were doubly wrong. Fine. He would shut up, and just … read or something. Pretend he was someone else. Somewhere else.

"Sure, that's half the problem. But even if you shut up, Dad won't. And if you shut up he'll start on me and I'm out the door anyway." Dean said. "It's a no win thing, and I'm digging myself deeper every time I open my mouth, I see that now. You're just seeing my wanting friends my own age, and maybe do things that kids my age do as rejection of you and it's not. Its me trying to be different from Dad. All he wants to do is hunt. Sure, I like it. I enjoy it, and I'm pretty damned good at it too, but I want something, I don't know...more."

Sam put his hands in his pockets and looked at his feet, his extremely large feet for a 13 year old boy. "I know. And.. and it's not that I don't want you to have friends, or to do things with out me. It's just that… we don't do Anything together any more. I see you roll your eyes if we wind up in the same place by accident and your friends are around. Always telling me not to bother you or not to embarrass you. That's what I take as rejection. " He shrugged broad lean shoulders. "People like you." Sam said looking up finally. "You're like the Anti-Dad. No matter what you do, you just smile that smile of yours and people like you. Of course you have friends. Every where we go you have friends the first day." He knew that it wasn't real friends the very first day meeting someone. But when you were a kid it was likely they would be a real friend soon enough. Regardless they were someone to do something with. "I get the Lurch jokes… worse are the Uncle Sam ones. And that's before I trip over thin air." He wasn't looking for pity, there was no whine in his tone even though his eyes were still red and threatening to cry. He just wanted his brother to understand

"I didn't have any friends for months. It was school library and hotel and that was it. You were too busy and Dad… well Dad was Dad." He loved his father deeply. He knew his father loved him in return but their relationship was a mess to say the least. "I couldn't talk to either one of you about it. So when Kayla actually started talking to me I did what ever it took to make her like me… make anyone like me. " He sighed. "So it's not just you. It's a lot of people and things and nothing is ever going to change. The only way I fit in anywhere is to pretend to be something I'm not. Cause who I am just isn't good enough."

"No one liked me when I was thirteen. I had the opposite problem, you don't remember because you were still shorter than me, but I was really short." Dean said. "I got the midget, dwarf, half pint, shorty jokes." That's half of when he learned to fight, and fight back, was that time in his life.

"13 is evil. No wonder people are afraid of it." Sam said sarcastically. "Well… at least you had me around to pester you when you were 13. " He said with a grin that he almost felt. He didn't say that John had at least talked to Dean like he had a brain in his head during that time. "Did you get any of the sleazy hotel jibes? Cause that's the one that caused Danny to get a busted nose and a fat lip."

"Yeah I did. The white trash comments, things like that. Dad used to get called a lot for me, then I learned to threaten them after so t hey kept their mouths shut." Dean said. "What you did to Danny was real nice, bro. Proves you are my brother after all!"

"Dad ragged on me for a week after that. About not being a bully. Like I was actually gonna kill someone or something. " He shook his head. "I didn't hit the guy that hard." His father seemed intent on keeping Sam… soft in some ways, harder than his brother in others. Not that it worked out how he wanted… at least as far as Sam knew it didn't cause the man never seemed pleased. He wrote it off most of the time as his father being worried something was going to happen to him. It was a pain in the ass but it showed that he cared in his own gruff way. But lately it was just too much. Something was bugging his Dad. Probably a demon he couldn't catch or something.

"Yeah, last time he did that to me, I reminded him that at least I didn't bring my gun to school. That day." Dean said with a smirk. "Don't worry about Dad, he's got his own outlook, but like you said, he's not really there. Just us. And I say he deserved it, so good going."

Sam smiled then. Dean was in many ways still an authority figure although that was changing. It was a rough transition from surrogate father to big brother. But Sam didn't need the supervision anymore. Having Dean pleased with something he had done lately, pushed the dark cloud from over his features. It didn't banish the blues completely. But it was a nice start.

Dean grinned back and leaned back, offering his bag of M&Ms to his brother. The storm had passed. Sure the weather wasn't bright and sunny, but at least it wasn't a hurricane coming around the corner at them. "So what should we do now? We're leaving in the morning, so we could stay out all night." Not like they drove in the same car anymore, Dad had his truck, and Dean got the Impala. Probably the best present he'd ever gotten.

Well, second best. The first was Sam.