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A/N: Sorry for the terribly long delay in posting this – I am normally much faster with updates. I have an epilogue of sorts in mind for this story that I might write later on, but for now, here is the conclusion of ‘Tension’ – hopefully it’s worth the wait.
I always say this and it doesn’t do justice to how truly appreciative I am, but thank you to everyone who reads and reviews.
Finally, this story would be a huge steaming mess if not for mel60 who beta’d this for me.
Sitting at her desk Lindsay stared at the card she’d just placed on Danny’s desk. After deciding to write him a note the words flowed quickly and easily onto paper. Writing felt cathartic - as if each word cleansed her heart of all the anger and resentment she’d been harboring for Danny the past few months.
She had picked a blank card from a landscape series she brought with her from a Hallmark back in Montana. It had a bright blue clouded sky and wheat field. She thought Danny would appreciate it – it was probably the closest thing to a wheat field that he’d ever seen.
She nervously tapped her fingers on the desk, wondering if maybe this card idea was not such a good one. The white envelope seemed to be glaring at her, as if in neon lights, making sure she couldn’t forget it was there. If she stared at it long enough she could swear she saw the shadows of the paper smirking at her. Yesterday, she’d been sure that this made sense, but the smirking envelope had her second-guessing herself. Would Danny think she was a coward for not talking to him in person? Would what she wrote mend the broken fences between them like she hoped? Could she have misunderstood those two women at Louie’s funeral? It was possible that Danny ended things with her out of pure disinterest and her note would leave Danny perplexed and Lindsay devastated and embarrassed. Not wanting to think about that possibility any longer Lindsay left her office before she ripped the card to pieces or fell to pieces herself.
Danny’s first day back since Louie’s death was going as expected. People trying to hide their sympathetic looks, while he was trying to get back into the swing of things. He had mourned his brother but images of Louie would still flash in his mind at the most unexpected times bringing torrents of guilt with them. He hoped that would eventually go away, but until then he forced himself to get through each day without succumbing to the heartache that made him want to barricade himself into his apartment and never leave.
Stepping into his office Danny knew that Lindsay had just left. Her vanilla scent was still fresh in the air. The now familiar ache of missing her filled him. Plopping down on his chair he noticed a white envelope leaning against his computer screen. His heart lurched when he recognized Lindsay’s handwriting - her girly script with curly hanging letters. He flashed back to the last time he’d gotten a card from her. He memorized what she’d written from reading it on a daily basis while she’d been away in Montana. At that time, he had been worried about her and her unexpected card let him know that she would be okay.
Now, his mind raced with what was in this also surprising envelope – an obligatory sympathy card? Seeing her at Louie’s funeral had given him the smallest glimmer of hope that she didn’t totally hate him, so maybe this was some sort of olive branch. Or maybe there wasn’t even a card inside but a membership ID or some other silly remnant from their time together still at her apartment. A week after they’d broken up he’d found two bags of his belongings next to his desk with a note from Lindsay that said ‘Thought I’d save you the trip.’ Maybe she was trying to save him some gas money again.
Danny was nervous. Whatever was inside that envelope – big or small, good or bad – would set the tone for things between them going forward. They could get back on a path towards friendship or they would remain miserably apart.
Getting over his nerves, Danny snatched up the card, his fingers shaking as he ripped open the envelope. He couldn’t help but smile at the cover – a joke between him and Lindsay. This had to be a good sign, he thought. He had still been unable to convince her that a city skyline beat a wheat field while they had been dating. Lindsay considered herself the expert since she’d personally seen both. He opened the card and tried to read it all at once, overly curious at what was inside. Telling himself to relax he took a deep breath and started reading from the beginning.
Dear Danny,
I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I am about Louie. I know how much he meant to you. I wanted so badly to talk to you at his funeral but wanted to give you your space and I wasn’t even sure what to say. But I have to let you know a couple of things.
I know you’ve been carrying the burden of your family’s past for a long time. I don’t know exactly what happened with Louie but I bet you blame yourself for everything. I felt the same way after my friends were killed. It took me years to realize that I wasn’t responsible for their deaths. Because of that guilt I pushed people away – including you. I know now that you did the same thing to me.
I understand why you did it – you were trying to protect me, to do what you thought was best for me. (Remind me to tell you how all those Italian lessons came in handy). I wish you had talked to me about all of this. I wish you hadn’t made that decision for me. I would have stayed by your side, we would have gotten through this together.
It’s been so difficult and sad being apart and I don’t want that anymore. I want you back in my life. We don’t have to jump into anything, but I hope we can get back to just being us again.
Love,
Lindsay
Danny was mesmerized by Lindsay’s words, letting the impact of them sink in as he read them.
She was sympathetic about Louie – that was normal. People he didn’t even know had come up to him at the funeral to hug him and give their condolences. Lindsay knew him well enough, and from her own experiences, to know how guilty he felt about Louie’s death. That was also normal, a lot of people knew that about him. He’d had a couple of long talks with Mac about guilt when Louie was in the hospital over a year ago and again after he’d died.
Her third paragraph was the one that he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around. She knew why he’d left her and was okay with it. That was the last thing he expected to read. Danny was so confused that he read the paragraph over and over, making sure that he hadn’t imagined anything. Yup, there it was - I understand why you did it. You were trying to protect me, to do what you thought was best for me. How had she figured it out and what did his Italian lessons have to do with it? Thoroughly bewildered, Danny read on in hopes of finding clarity.
Her next line was a kick to his gut. I wish you hadn’t made that decision for me. He had agonized over his choice of pushing her away and she was letting him know that it wasn’t the right one. Wasn’t Louie’s death all the evidence he needed that it was? Despite her proclamation that she understood, Lindsay didn’t truly grasp how easily it could have been her in Louie’s place. But maybe Lindsay was right, maybe he had over reacted. Keeping her safe had come with a severe cost – hurting and losing Lindsay – and maybe it wasn’t worth it, maybe telling her would have been better. It certainly would have been easier. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Lindsay’s note wasn’t bringing any resolution to his constant inner debate and he would probably never know if he had done the right thing.
He realized that didn’t really matter when he read her final sentence. I hope we can get back to just being us again. A tidal wave of relief swept over him as he read these words, washing away all the turmoil and anguish he’d been holding in for the past couple of months. But it was met with a current of guilt. After Louie’s death he had felt so lost – first losing Lindsay, then Louie – and he struggled to live a life with neither of them in it. He’d been engulfed in so much misery that he never imagined Lindsay even remotely wanting to be with him again. It shouldn’t be this easy to earn her forgiveness, to be absolved of all the hurt he knew he put her through. Shouldn’t she get the chance to yell at him, curse him, maybe hit him a couple of times? Instead he got these beautiful words letting him know that everything was going to be okay and that didn’t seem fair.
Danny wasn’t sure what to do as he sat in his chair and stared at the note. He had no idea how to respond, the onslaught of emotions momentarily paralyzing him. He wanted to find Lindsay and, even though she said she understood, explain everything to her.
The buzz of his pager interrupted his thoughts. Mac needed him at a crime scene in Forest Hills, three DOAs. Not knowing how long until he’d be back, Danny decided to use Lindsay’s chosen form of communication. Taking a moment to gather his thoughts, Danny wrote a note to Lindsay.
After finishing, he reread it, happy with the finished product. Jotting her name on the front Danny tucked it under her keyboard where she’d be sure to find it and left his office with a smile, an expression that hadn’t been on his face in a long time.
Lindsay knew Danny was working today, which meant he would have stopped by their office in the morning like he always did and he must have read her card by now. In her mind, she had imagined him reading it, becoming overwhelmed with happiness, running through the building to find her and kissing her senseless.
He must think she was so immature – who leaves a card when they have something important to say? Or maybe he hadn’t responded because he didn’t care anymore. He could be dating someone else for all she knew. After all this time apart he might have realized he was happy without her, and that made her sick to her stomach. She could easily get over their first ‘break-up’ because she understood his motivation. But if Danny didn’t want to at least try to start over with her now she would have to relive that awful night in her apartment when he’d told her they should see other people - except it would be a hundred times worse. This time it would be for real and that would absolutely crush her.
If he was in their office now she would drop dead from embarrassment. It was easy to express her feelings with the thinking time and boldness that a pen and paper offered. What if, when she came face to face with Danny, things were awkward and nothing she said came out right. She slowed as she approached the office door and peeked around the corner. Good, no Danny. She felt childish for avoiding him but she wanted to come up with an explanation that didn’t leave her looking ridiculous before seeing him.
Her heart sunk when she didn’t see her card on his desk, effectively eliminating any hope that his lack of response was due to the fact that he just hadn’t read it yet. She quickly moved to the cabinets that lined the left side of their office looking for an archived file. Finding the file in question Lindsay turned to leave and out of habit glanced at her phone to see if her voice mail light was blinking. Her eye was distracted by a piece of yellow note pad paper sticking out from under her keyboard. She commonly left reminder notes to herself on her computer, but she hadn’t left one there.
Confused, she pulled out the paper and her breath hitched in her throat as she recognized Danny’s scrawl. Of all the possible scenarios she’d played out in her mind she hadn’t expected him to write her a note in return. Fearful, but anxious to see of this was the doomsday scenario she was imagining she unfolded the paper and began reading.
Lindsay,
Thanks for the card.
I regret a lot about the past few months. I turned my back on Louie and now he’s dead. I wish I could take that back. I wish I could take back how much I hurt you - I never wanted that. But I didn’t know what else to do and if anything ever happened to you I’m not sure how I would survive.
Do you remember when you stalked me and hijacked my car? We toasted to fresh starts that night. I’m proposing another fresh start. Getting back to being us sounds good to me.
Danny
Lindsay wished she could hear Danny’s voice say those words. She clutched the paper to her chest, her heart racing, as the realization that everything would be okay between them sunk in. He was suggesting a fresh start and that’s all she needed to hear. She immediately turned to find Danny but bumped into Stella.
“Whoa, where’s the fire?” Stella asked, wondering what had Lindsay leaving the office at full throttle.
“Sorry,” Lindsay replied.
“Sid needs us in autopsy asap. He’s ready earlier than expected.”
“Oh, okay.” Lindsay did her best to hide her disappointment. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”
Stella left and Lindsay returned to her desk. More than anything she wanted to talk to Danny but until then she would take the first step at that fresh start. Rereading what Danny had written one more time Lindsay tucked the paper into her desk drawer and jotted him a quick note on a post-it. Sticking it to the top of his computer she went to meet Stella in autopsy.
On top of that he was frustrated that he hadn’t seen Lindsay yet. He had been at the crime scene all morning and was now headed out to a secondary scene with Flack. Making a brief pit stop in his office on the off chance that Lindsay would be there he was disappointed to find it empty.
Looking at her computer he was happy to see his note had been removed. Danny noticed a post-it note crookedly stuck to his computer screen, disrupting his normally neat workspace. He wasn’t one for post-its and no one in the office ever left messages in that way – that’s why they had hundred dollar cell phones that were required to be on at all times. Leaning over the desk to grab it he once again recognized the handwriting.
Some people call it stalking, others call it determination, Messer. Tomatoes, to-mah-toes. Messer. Got your attention, didn’t it?
Danny laughed at her note. This was the way things used to be between them – fun and relaxed, more concerned about teasing each other than anything else. He sensed that they were truly leaving the past couple of months behind them. He still felt like they needed to have a talk – a long one at that – but Lindsay wanted to be with him so why was he fighting it by feeling guilty? He wanted to see Lindsay more than anything, but knowing he was running late to meet Flack, Danny pulled a post-it from the stack on the desk and scribbled his own note, leaving it on her phone.
"Earth to Lindsay,” Stella said as she waved her hand in front of Lindsay’s face. “You with me?”
“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” All day, Lindsay’s thoughts had been wandering to Danny…and his note. It was torture having all those words between them but not a conversation – as if it wasn’t real until they actually talked. She kept thinking about what it would be like when she saw him – she knew she would have to resist the urge to run up and hug him.
“Let’s get to the layout lab and work on those clothes,” Stella said.
“Sure. I’m going to drop my kit off and I’ll be right there.” She and Stella had been running around all day it seemed. First a crime scene, then to a suspects home and now to layout. A typical day, actually, but too hectic when all she wanted was five minutes to find the ever allusive Danny. Walking into her office she immediately saw the post-it note on her phone, her heart skipping a beat, knowing it was from Danny.
You don’t need to hide out in my car to get my attention. A nice plate of penne vodka will do the trick. I’m a simple man, Montana. Keep me fed, keep me happy.
How is it possible that a simple post-it could please her so much, Lindsay wondered. It was enough to make her insides melt. She could almost hear him say Montana with his thick accent. It had been so long since she’d heard him use that nickname that she didn’t realize how much she had missed it until that moment.
She was tempted to call him to hear his voice, reaching for her cell phone to do just that. Realizing that even if he did pick up it would be a rushed conversation – Stella was already waiting for her in the lab – she instead punched in a text message, smiling as she made her way to meet Stella.
That’s all it takes?
No, he thought, it takes a lot more than a bowl of pasta to make him happy. A good meal was a good start, so was a Yankee game, a night out with friends. A family get together, his job, his home – they were all nice but his definition of happiness had changed the day he was introduced to the new girl two years ago at the Bronx Zoo. Lindsay knew that better than anybody. He typed in a reply.
Not exactly. There’s one more thing
Lindsay felt stupidly excited about a simple text message, but before she could even respond he had sent her another one.
Country girls
Lindsay felt a rush of heat course over her cheeks. She squirmed at the sizzle of awareness that shot through her nerve endings. Danny was being…flirty and Lindsay had to fight a giggle. It had been such a long time since they bantered like this that Lindsay was almost not sure how to answer. But that doubt only lasted for a second before she sent him another message.
Plural?
Danny had kept his phone in his hand, hoping that Lindsay would respond right away, and she had. He laughed as he punched in his reply.
Just one. From Montana. Brown hair, brown eyes. Maybe you know her.
Lindsay knew she had a goofy grin on her face but didn’t care. Realizing she and Danny’s text messaging could turn into an all day marathon all she replied with was a smiley face. The next time another word went between them it would be in person.
As much as she hated dumpster diving, it was actually not as bad as all the horse manure shoveling she did back in Montana. It was funny how Danny thought so many things about her were foreign when she first started at the lab because she was a country girl but now he was sending her text messages that only country girls could make him happy. Even though she had vowed to talk to him in person she couldn’t resist sending him an email.
To: Danny Messer
From: Lindsay Monroe
Subject: Scents and Sensibility
Hey,
First day back and I heard you had to dumpster dive. Actually, I smelled you too – our office reeks. Please shower immediately after exiting any dumpster and prior to polluting any communal areas – particularly our office.
Seriously though, I hope your first day back has gone well. I hope you’re doing okay.
By the way, you know what they say about country girls don’t you? They do it best.
Lindsay
To: Danny Messer
From: Lindsay Monroe
Subject: Re: Scents and Sensibility
Ha ha. I showered five times and I still smell like crap. You know, even though you’ve been here two years you’re still the newest person at the lab. I’ll have to remind Mac about that the next time such a situation arises.
Hawkes said you got called to a double homicide at the end of your shift - bummer. Wish I could have seen you today – been pretty crazy around here. I think Sullivan’s is calling our name. You want to meet there when you’re done?
And what, exactly, do you mean by ‘it’?
Danny
Going to be a long night. Rain check?
Danny, still at his desk, frowned in disappointment at her reply. Such was the nature of their job. He needed to see her, to make sure this day wasn’t some crazy dream. Maybe he could go to her crime scene. No, that would be unprofessional, plus if they were going to discuss their future it shouldn’t be done in the presence of corpses. He could wait for her here until she got back, but it sounded like that could be hours from now. Maybe he would just call her later tonight. It had been a crazy day for both of them, and it would probably be better if they talked after they’d had some rest. Giving up on actually being able to see Lindsay today he typed in one last text to her before heading home.
Sure. Maybe tomorrow.
Energy surged through her body, however, when she saw Danny sitting in the hallway in front of her apartment door, her heart slamming against her ribs. She stopped in her tracks, her mind unable to direct her body to do anything except take in the unexpected sight of him. Finally, she walked up to him.
“Hi,” she said.
Standing up, Danny smiled at her. He had planted himself at Lindsay’s apartment door for the past four hours since getting out of work, deciding that he couldn’t wait until tomorrow to see her. It had been worth the wait. She was smiling at him – she hadn’t done that in forever. “If your day was anything like mine you probably haven’t eaten since breakfast. I thought you could use some Chinese to refuel.”
“Come in.” she took her keys out of her bag and slipped them into the lock.
Dropping her coat and bag by the door she turned to Danny. She wasn’t sure why the cat suddenly caught her tongue but all the words running through her mind turned into mush. Part of this was exhaustion but so much had changed between them from just their little notes that Lindsay had to adjust to talking to him in person as Danny and not the guy who broke her heart.
“Let me help you with that,” Lindsay said, holding a hand out to the bags Danny was holding.
“I got it,” Danny said, making his way into her kitchen and around it as if he’d done it everyday. He had to stop himself from planting himself in the middle of her apartment, where he thought he’d never be again, to take everything in. The couch where they lounged together watching movies. The hallway which led to her bedroom where they spent many memorable nights. The bookshelves which once housed framed photos of them at Central Park, a Giants game, in the lab. And the kitchen, where he was now, where they shared so many meals and conversations – and even one frisky night on the table. The fact that Lindsay had welcomed him back into her home warmed him from the inside out.
Danny was glad to have the food to concentrate on. He had waited all day to talk to her but now that she was in front of him he didn’t even know where to begin – how sorry he was, how he wanted to move forward. Deciding an apology was probably the best place to start he stopped fidgeting with the food, braced his hands on the counter and looked down at the floor for focus. “Lindsay, I’m so sorry for everything.”
Caught off guard by the force of her feelings about how domestic he looked in her kitchen and how genuine his apology was, she went up to him. He sensed her approach and felt her hand on his shoulder. Then her arms slid around his waist, her head resting on his back. Her embrace felt so right he never wanted them to move. Every inch of him electrified.
“It’s okay Danny. I don’t need an apology and you don’t need my forgiveness,” Lindsay said.
Slowly he pivoted around. Her face was shining with so many things: love, desire, contentment. He watched her for as long as he could, until he could no longer resist the urge to touch her. He brought his hands to brush the hair off her face, tracing the contours and softness he’d never forgotten.
It had been so long since Danny had touched her like this, Lindsay startled when his hands skimmed her neck and shoulders.
"I could never forget how you smell," he said, his teeth nipping the tender skin at the base of her neck. "Or how you taste."
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I missed you, too." The pressure of his mouth increased. "Danny," she gasped.
She drew his head back and stared at him. This was the man who made her feel complete, who made her whole, who she never wanted to be without again. She needed him to know that. "I love you, Danny Messer."
He stood but said nothing, the tightening of his throat rendering him speechless. He felt so much for Lindsay than he ever had or ever would for any other woman. “I love you, Lindsay Monroe.”
And he kissed her like he loved her - a deep kiss that curled her toes. She felt herself being lifted, and carried to her bedroom. Placing her on the bed and adjusting himself on top of her, Danny’s mouth reclaimed hers as he savored the feel and taste of her that he’d missed so much. After he had his temporary fill of that his hands moved down her shoulders and he started to unbutton her blouse, opening it, disposing of it, gently kissing her shoulder. He moved lower, caressing her breasts, first with his hands, then his mouth. She was squirming by the time he sat up and back to rid her of her jeans.
Lindsay’s hands went to his shirt and she fumbled with the buttons and then with his jeans. Finally parting both, she brushed her lips over his bare chest. He sucked in a breath as she explored him. She felt her whole body flush with heat as Danny pushed her hands aside and took control again. He was touching her everywhere now, inside and out. She tried to savor it, but with the clever ministrations of his hands, lips and body, all thought disappeared. She captured his gaze as he entered her. Sensations overwhelmed her and finally her world exploded and all that existed was her connection with Danny.
Danny watched her face as she reached her climax. Making love, seeing her come apart, Danny felt himself drowning in the sight and sounds of Lindsay. He could enjoy her only briefly, though, as his whole body tensed and his own pleasure consumed him.