Going On

Author’s Note: Thank you for your patience. I know this took awhile, but it took a while for me to get it right. Thank you also to my beta, Meg-Breanne, for helping me see clearly.

Chapter 12:

Twelve Years

She was alone in a layout room staring at her watch when midnight hit. She didn’t know why, there was no celebration this year, no need to sneak a moment alone together, no anything special. February fourteenth was just another day on the calendar. Sure florists, candy makers, and jewelers would be busier than normal, but for Sara it was just twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours she needed to get through.

Twelve years ago her hopelessly romantic fiancé had convinced her that getting married on Valentine’s Day would be very romantic. Before getting involved with Nick, she had never really gotten into the whole Valentine’s Day hoopla. Nick had given the day a whole new meaning, and it would never be the same again.

She subconsciously wiped at her eyes and stood. There was still the rest of shift to get through. Taking a cleansing breath, she walked through the door to the hallway, stopping briefly in the break room for a bottle of water before immersing herself in her work.

After shift, Sara was in the locker room collecting her things when Warrick and Greg walked in, mid conversation. “All I’m saying is that she’ll be expecting something. It doesn’t matter if you only just started seeing her.” Greg reached his locker and began to work the lock.

“What would you know about it?” Warrick ribbed him.

“I know that I have a wedding ring on my finger. Hmm, I must know something about wooing woman.” He held up his left hand and waggled his ring finger slightly.

Warrick laughed, “Greg, getting drunk and professing your undying love for the woman elected to drive you home hardly counts as wooing.”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you have to really go all out if you want to get anywhere with her. Am I right Sara?” He said the words before he realized. She looked up to him, her face pale. Warrick saw her. He wasn’t sure who to feel worse for: Sara for what she must be feeling or Greg for only just realizing what he said. “Sar, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s alright.” She cut him off, holding her hand up and nodding her head. “I’ll see you guys later.” She left them alone at that point.

“Shit, I didn’t mean...” Greg felt helpless.

“It’s okay man, she knows.” Warrick knew that Sara wouldn’t hold it against Greg, but he was still worried about her.

She found herself sitting at the light at the end of the road, not sure if she should go straight and see the kids before school, or turn right to see him. I should go home, that’s the responsible thing to do, but right now I need to be with him, talk with him. The car honking behind her brought her from her thoughts, and she quickly took the right turn, before she could change her mind again.

Once at her destination, she sat in the car before working up the courage to proceed. Her eyes closed for a minute as she thought about her next move. Grabbing one of the water bottles she kept in the trunk, she made her way. The breeze tickled her skin and tossed her hair. She inhaled the light spring air, and as it entered her body it relaxed every muscle that had been tied into knots all morning.

She stopped her precession and took in the sight before her. The grass had been freshly mowed, but the flowers she and the kids had brought the week before seemed to have taken root and brightened up the area in front of the shiny grey stone. Carefully she opened the bottle and poured its contents onto the young blossoms. The liquid was warm from being in the car, but if the flowers didn’t mind, neither did she.

When the bottle was empty, she screwed the cap back on and set it on the ground next to her feet, making a mental note to take it with her when she left. Returning her attention to the stone, she knelt down and reached out to touch the letters carved at the top, S-T-O-K-E-S. “I guess you’re wondering why I’m here without the kids? Well, I guess I wanted you to myself today. I guess I’m feeling a little selfish.” She felt a little awkward talking to a plot of land, but it was the closest connection she had to him. “This was always our day, so I want to have some time just us, as impossible as that may seem.” Her eyes began to burn. “I almost forgot. I didn’t remember that today was the fourteenth until someone reminded me.” She sniffled, “I’m so, so sorry Nick. You know I could never forget our anniversary; I love you too much for that. I guess part of me wanted it not to come.”

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “It’s just I’ve been doing so well lately, juggling the kids with work, actually spending time with friends, and every now and then I realize that I’m smiling and laughing.” She blew out a breath. “It may not sound like much, but for awhile there I thought I couldn’t laugh or smile without you. Hell, I didn’t really want to. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. It…” Taking a shaky breath, she continued, “It broke my heart to find out that the kids heard me, but I’m finally starting to sleep at night without the tears or the nightmares. I finally feel like a person again instead of something less.”

Letting a few more tears fall, she slid to the side and sat on the dewy grass. “I love you. I always will, and I am so thankful for every minute we shared together and every memory I have with you. I would do it all again in a heartbeat if I could, but I need to live in the present.” Her hands traced the letters of his first name. “Nicky,” the tears began to pour out of her eyes, “I feel like I’ve cheated on you, with your best friend.” She started feeling sick. “He’s been so good to the kids and to me also, but now I find myself wanting to spend more time with him - I’m so sorry; I never wanted to hurt you.” She thought for a minute, “But you never wanted to hurt me either, and the loneliness is painful. Please Nicky, please understand. I will never stop loving you. Never.” She felt a huge release of pressure as the final words came out. Her tears subsided, and her breathing calmed. “I just wish I knew how you felt.” She bit her lip, “If you could uh, give me a sign or something, that would really make me feel better.” She waited for a minute, “Or not. That’s alright. I guess I can’t expect too much.” The sound of someone clearing their throat behind her startled her. She froze, somewhat embarrassed for being caught talking to herself.

She turned to face the intruder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

Sara pursed her lips together. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “I am.” She looked down to the water bottle by her foot. “There was just something I needed to do.” She bent down and picked up the bottle, and then they both walked back to their cars.

“I see.” He didn’t really know what to say, feeling guilty over his intrusion on such a personal moment.

They stood between their two cars. Warrick was watching Sara, but she was looking anywhere but at him. “I need to get home.” She continued to avoid eye contact as she turned to her car.

“I’ll see you tonight?” He called after her.

“Yeah, tonight.” Then her door closed, and she drove off.

The house was quiet and empty when she walked through the door, and taking advantage of the situation, she went right to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, she could hear the unmistakable sounds of her little angles arguing. Groggily, she made her way downstairs in time to see the remote fly through the air and knock a picture frame off the mantle, shattering as it hit the ground.

“That’s it, TV off.” She walked to the set and pushed the power button.

Immediately she was bombarded with pleas of, “But Mom,” and “It’s not my fault.”

“I don’t care whose fault it is, I’m tired of the fighting.” She wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“What are we suppose to do now?” Tommy rolled his eyes.

“Homework. Go, you can come out of your rooms when it’s done.” When they didn’t get up and go upstairs, she placed her hands on her hips and looked at each child. They peeled themselves off the couch and slowly made their way to their rooms.

She could faintly hear their argument continue until two doors closed. Looking over to the floor where the remote control and picture had landed, she winced when she realized it was their most recent family picture, taken at Nick’s parents’ house last March. She carefully picked up the frame, dumping the broken glass that remained stuck in the edges onto the pieces that were already on the floor. Relieved that the picture had survived, she placed the picture and frame, without the glass, back on the mantle. She stood there looking at the picture, smiling at the memory of how happy they had seemed that day. It didn’t matter that that morning Tommy had scared Jillian with a snake he had found, or that Jillian had been chasing Tommy against his will, or that Sara and Nick had argued that morning about the length of their stay, at that moment they all looked happy together.

Sara went to work cleaning up the mess with a small broom to catch the tiny shards of glass before starting dinner.

On her way to work that night, Sara stopped in at the coffee house near the lab. It had been a long day, and she needed a pick-me-up to make it through shift. When her order was ready, she picked up the steaming cup and headed back to the door. As she was fumbling with her keys, she noticed a couple standing just a couple cars over. Normally she wouldn’t have even bothered looking, but something about the man’s voice was familiar. The woman’s arms were wrapped tightly around the man’s neck, but she would recognize the back of his head anywhere. Warrick was holding the woman just as close as she was holding him.

She got in the car and drove to the lab, wanting to forget what she had seen. She was relieved to have been paired up with Catherine that night, but ran into Warrick repeatedly throughout the night. She would answer his questions regarding cases, but avoided any personal conversations. On a certain level she was happy for him, but she was also a little jealous. She couldn’t really hold it against him; she wasn’t ready when the opportunity had presented itself. She couldn’t expect him to wait on her, could she?

Digging in her bag as she approached her car in the lab’s parking lot, she looked up to him leaning on the driver’s door of her car. “Hey.” Her voice was void of emotion.

“Hey?” He dipped his head and raised his eyebrows to look at her. “Does this mean you’re talking to me?”

“What? I talked to you only an hour ago, about the traffic video.” She shrugged.

He huffed, “Yeah, about a case, but you’ve avoided me every chance you’ve gotten. What’s going on Sara?”

“Warrick, I’ve gotta go,” she tried to push past him.

“No.”

“No? I’m going.” She went to push the unlock button on her car remote.

“Sara, what is going on with you?” He was getting frustrated. His friend was mad at him, and he didn’t know why.

“Nothing is going on with me. You should be asking what’s going on with you.” She crossed her arms and glared him down.

“What are you talking about?” His arms flew out to the side. She shook her head as the sound of his cell phone rang out. He unclipped it from his belt to look at the caller ID. Deciding that now was not the time to take the call he reattached it to the clip.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” She couldn’t keep the annoyance out of her voice.

“I can call her back.” He still didn’t fully realize what the problem was.

“Yeah.” She went to open the door, but Warrick grabbed her wrist, stopping her. “Warrick, let me go.” Her voice was louder than she meant for it o be.

“No Sara.” He hung on. “What do you want from me?”

“Just go call your girlfriend back.” She shook free of him and opened her door.

“Is that what this is about? You’re jealous?”

“No, I’m not jealous.”

“Sara, you said you weren’t ready. What am I suppose to do, sit at home alone and wait for you to be ready?”

“Not being ready does not mean that I want to see you and her making out in Java Junkies parking lot.” She really wished she hadn’t said that.

“What?”

She took a breath. “I saw you last night.” She calmed slightly. “Just because I wasn’t ready then…” She cut herself off. “Never mind, I’ve gotta go.”

“Damn it, why can’t you just be happy for me.” Her eyes dropped before getting into her car and driving off.

TBC…