Teaser: He doesn’t really understand what it means to be human.

Warnings: Character death. Language, towards the very end.

Notes: I seriously need to study grammar more. This has given me a harder time than it should have. D:

Also, there are a lot of things that are making me cringe in this fic. But I can’t seem to fix anything at the moment, so this is what you get. Sorry.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

In the ninja world, death and pain were commonplace. Sometimes, in more ways than a normal person can imagine.

And They All Fall Down

“Blank”

By Hikagi

He is like an empty slate – blank, unmarked, unremarkable, unknown, and unnamed – like a canvas that has yet to capture an artist’s attention with vivid colors or a series of imaginative ideas. The people around him don’t know what to make of him, and he doesn’t do anything to help them in that aspect. They don’t know his age, his job (or even the fact that he has one), his skills, or his name.

He doesn’t have one – a name, that is.

Or, perhaps, he has too many of them? (1)

They wouldn’t understand that.

And he in turn doesn’t understand them.

Instead, he does his best to be emotionless, to reflect everything around him with ease and skill so as to divert attention away from his personal life, or his lack of one. He smiles when they smile, (though it is more of a small quirk than anything genuine), listens attentively when they talk, makes a few sounds that might sound like a chuckle when they tell jokes, and nods his head in greetings whenever someone acknowledges him as they pass by.

No – on second thought, not so much an empty canvas, as a looking glass. They could stare right through him and not get any answers, except for what is on the other side. There isn’t very much anything that makes him unique in other people’s eyes, save for (perhaps) his… interesting choice in clothing. (2)

…And colorful choice of words. Though he says many things – most, too vulgar to be repeated in polite conversation – he does not truly understand what impact they have on other people. He knows what they mean on a very basic, rudimentary scale, but he has no real grasp on what his insults actually imply or why they infuriate others.

And even if he does know, he won’t change any of it just to cater to someone else’s needs or wants. Such worries are unfitting for a person in his position. Or at least, had been. Sometimes it takes him a few minutes to realize that he is no longer required to be an emotionless weapon, because it is all he has ever known.

Because ANBU Roots has been the only thing resembling a sort of familial structure since his brother … went away, and it is more difficult than he has expected to break the bonds that tie him to the organization.

But that is in the past. He does not belong to Roots anymore – not since resigning from Danzo’s personal troops and making efforts to become more human.

He likes to think that he has succeeded, if only somewhat. After leaving Roots, he has gone back and named all of his artworks. All three thousand plus of them.

He thinks of that incident as his declaration of freedom; freedom to choose bonds, to form them, and to cherish the things he holds dear.

Unfortunately, Naruto and Sakura haven’t seen it that way. Or maybe they have, but the five weeks it has taken him to sort through his entire collection in between missions and training sessions have made them more than just a little irritated.

…Especially when he has just recently started to name all of the animals he has created through Choujuu Giga. (3)

Needless to say, they stop talking to each other for quite a bit. Or at least, use Kakashi and Yamato to relay messages back and forth even though they are literally standing only a few feet apart.

This breaks up their teamwork considerably, but no one steps up to mend the rift. Naruto is too stubborn to admit to anything, and Sakura is too irritated to forgive him just yet. They figure that since he is at fault, he should be the one to take the first step.

But because he is unsure of how to make and keep friends, he doesn’t know how to go and apologize to them. With the exception of his brother, he has never had any sort of bonds to hold on to other than the ones made through the ninja hierarchy of power and rank. He desperately wants to keep the one he has with Team Kakashi, because it is currently his longest surviving and first.

Naruto has shown him the power of such connections, and he does not want to lose it, especially when his first attempts at making friends have been less than successful.

However, books and pamphlets can only provide so much information and advice.

In the end, it almost doesn’t matter. Their bonds are nearly permanently severed.

…

So when he sees his group of “friends” mingling about near his current and most recent haunt, he is confused.

The last time he has checked, a friend is someone you have close connections with; a person you spend a lot of time with, or hold a certain amount of trust towards.

A person you would be willing to die for.

He doesn’t understand why Naruto and Sakura – for all their hostile behavior towards him before – why Yamato, Tsunade, Shizune, Kakashi, Jiraiya, and a bunch of other people whose faces are vaguely familiar in the I-think-I’ve-seen-them-around-somewhere fashion are there.

Are they here for something?

It is just a piece of rock – his piece of rock, as a matter of fact. Not that anyone can see him at the moment, but that hardly matters.

He waits, because this group of people seem intent on something. But they merely stand there; some looking at his name plate, others looking anywhere and everywhere except for at each other.

His plate is supposed to be blank, but someone has taken a chakra blade and painstakingly etched out two characters on to the stone. (4) It is not the most professional job ever, especially since the lines are slightly crooked, but he doesn’t really mind.

Finally, after a few minutes of silence, one person seems to lose his patience.

“Sai, you bastard.”

Sai blinks a little in surprise at the greeting, but does not say anything in return. It is pointless, anyhow.

Odd. Naruto’s voice sounds strange.

It is unlike the times Sai has goaded the blond ninja into a fit of rage with a few well-placed words. There is an undertone of vehement anger, but there is also something else that he cannot rightly name.

“You fucking bastard.”

Perhaps he is still angry about my naming all my works?

Sai does not know if that is truly the case. It very well may be, since they have not parted on good terms. Naruto still seems irritated beyond belief.

“You weren’t supposed to die on us!”

Oh.

Perhaps then, they have forgotten about the paintings?

“I’m pissed off, you hear?!”

There is anger, yes. But there is also a lot of… sadness apparent in the blond ninja’s words. Very angered sadness.

Sai finds this raw emotion in Naruto’s voice unpleasant. It grates on his nerves in a way that makes him wish he doesn’t have to hear any more.

“You were supposed to be faster than that! You were supposed to be stronger than that!”

He sees Naruto’s fists clench, and is oddly moved by the gesture – even more so than the shaky voices and solemn faces.

A hand reaches out as a gentle warning, resting on Naruto’s elbow. “Naruto, hush. We’re here to pay our respects.”

But Naruto shakes off Sakura’s hand and ignores her.

“You were supposed to stay in ANBU until after I made Hokage, so that I could lord it in your face about how a dead-last was able to make it to the top despite the impossible odds!”

“Naruto,” Sakura says with a bit more emphasis. But her words fall on deaf ears.

Sai watches all of the proceedings, noting how his paint brush and scrolls are now in Naruto’s new side pouch, and his old picture book is in Sakura’s possession.

“But now – now…”

For some reason, Naruto’s words makes his chest hurt. It is a sensation Sai is unfamiliar with, and he doesn’t know what to make of it.

“What am I supposed to do when one of my comrades die before I’m strong enough to protect them?”

Stupid, he thinks, looking at his first friend.

“Huh, Sai? Tell me – what the fucking hell am I supposed to do?!”

You’re plenty strong already.

…

Sai doesn’t completely understand what it means to be human. Being a ghost hasn’t changed any of that.

But if the strange, almost painful feeling in his ribcage is one of the effects of having emotions like a normal person, then Sai is glad that it hasn’t really happened until after he has died.

Because being alive and experiencing this sort of thing would have killed him.

Fin.

Author’s Notes:

1. Sai doesn’t really have a name. That’s just his temporary codename when he was assigned to Team Kakashi.

2. Because obviously, guys go around completely exposing their midriffs. :shudders:

3. Choujuu Giga: Super Beasts Imitation Picture

4. Sai is written as サイ in katakana.

Of course, this is kinda AU-ish because Sai doesn’t die in the manga. Yet. :shrugs:

Yatsuka Hikagi

July 23, 2008