He didn’t know what to do with the child.

He had never been sure of Tonk’s true hair color, and the child’s color only confused him more, because it was exactly the same as his: mousy brown with a few golden locks that glowed in the sunlight.

Without her, he felt older than even contrasting at her side. He stared at his reflection in the long mirror, a gaunt face with a thin moustache below his nose and stubble beginning to show along his jaw line. Sunken eyes, like those of his mate’s still etched in his memory. Not Tonks, never her. Someone closer to him, someone who knew him better than anyone, even better than he knew himself.

Remus Lupin shut his eyes, hiding from the image that was reflected back, the cruel truth of what he had become. He was succumbing to the monster more and more every month, and Sirius Black was no longer here for him as an outlet. Remus cringed at the mere suggestion that he had even once used Sirius, but he knew that it was true, deep in his heart. He always knew how to face the truth without overwhelming himself with it. Until now.

Now, he was broken. He hadn’t mended since Sirius had gone away to Azkaban. Remus had been sure that he was gone, that he was dead, or that he was insane beyond repair, or tortured to oblivion. In fact, most people had been sure of this. It wasn’t until that night, after hearing of his escape for weeks, that Dumbledore had explained the whole thing to him, the misunderstanding, that Remus had understood. He had found his truth, and he had clung onto it because it was all that he had to live for anymore. Sirius had stayed with Remus, in the same house, but not in the same bed. Sirius did as many chores around the house as he could remember to do, but he was silent. He barely spoke a word.

What had Remus expected? That when he apologized to Sirius, and Sirius accepted, that the horrors he had witnessed in Azkaban would subside and his old self would return? Had he believed that things could ever go back to the way they were? For a brief second, he had. Before he saw Sirius’s lean face and hollow eyes, usually so full of life, and his thin body, the robes hanging off him in tatters. The scars that were worse, deeper, rougher than his own, the fingers that clutched at the air in his sleep, growls and whimpers coming from his throat as if he was an animal. Remus hadn’t been prepared for this, he hadn’t had time.

Things were just starting to get better, too, between him and Sirius. An understanding had been reached, and a bond was retying itself in a tighter knot than ever before. Sirius had smiled again, if only for a second, while staring into Remus’s eyes. They had sat over cups of tea and recited poetry from their school days, laughing aloud as they stumbled over verse after verse. Remembering various pranks, or the way Sirius had with girls and boys alike, or Remus’s shyness and how Sirius had wooed him. They lived in the past, for the future was too bleak to face. They were growing older, James and Lily were dead, Peter was a traitor, and Harry was getting out of their control, all before they ever really had time to think about the life they had shared.

Then Sirius had gone from him. He had wept and remembered tales of wives whose husbands drowned at sea, feeling so lost, trapped in his grief without a body to cry over. Shame on you, Lupin, he would say to himself, you’re so selfish. But he cried nonetheless.

Then there’d been Tonks. Oh, beautiful Tonks. The embodiment of youth and power, all there, throwing herself at him. He’d never loved a woman like he loved her. He found it hard to be with her, however, when memories of Sirius plagued his dreams. How could he abandon his mate, even if it was to be with this indescribable woman?

She fixed that the night she came into the bedroom wearing a set of Sirius’s old robes and having dyed her hair that midnight black color. Remus remembered when he used to breathe that hair, run his fingers through it, and to kiss the silky strands. Tonks had come to him like that on purpose, because she saw the way he looked at the old photographs, the smiling, waving man in them so different from the man who had come from Azkaban. Tonks had tried her best to adopt Sirius’s look, and Remus was so lonely after all those years and after Sirius’s sudden death. He was dragging her into bed before the triumphant smile could creep into the corners of her mouth, tearing the robes off, and only pausing briefly when he saw her female body underneath.

RLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRLRL

It was the full moon that night. The baby was two days late, and Remus was literally tearing himself up with worry.

“How can I not be here when my wife gives birth to our first child?” he wailed, his eyes already shifting into their beast form for the coming moon. The sun was getting low in the sky, and he poured himself another cup of tea, waiting for Severus to come by with the Wolfsbane potion. Tonks was lying on the couch, breathing heavily. If she had any pain at all, Remus or her could ask the doctor to apparate and see what the problem was. Two days they had been doing this, and Remus was at his wit’s end, not to mention he was getting nervous for the change.

“Remus,” Tonks wheezed from the couch. Sudden fear shot through Remus and he turned around in his chair, almost knocking his tea over in the process. He gazed at this huge-bellied woman who was his wife, but he couldn’t remember times when he had loved her. Certainly not now, though he couldn’t help feel the excitement of seeing new life growing inside her. No, even as he gazed at that sweet face, the beautiful smile that any man should find attractive, he couldn’t love her. He felt a guilt swell in his stomach and spread to his chest, making it difficult to breathe.

“Yes Tonks?” he asked carefully, tiptoeing his way towards her question.

She gave him a winning smile, and even with her hair flashing strange colors, she looked peaceful for a brief moment. “It’s not your fault that the change is tonight. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just our bad luck… resurfacing. So take your potion, and do your wolfy thing, and maybe I’ll be waiting with the babe when you come back.” She grinned with those perfect teeth and Remus couldn’t help but smile weakly back at her.

“Alright, I won’t worry anymore. Oh, but what about Severus?” Tonks’s eyes sparkled just before she closed them with a sigh.

“Remus Lupin, what will I do with you? Stop worrying! I’m sure Snape will be here any moment.”

Just then there was a knock on the front door. Remus and Tonks exchanged a look, and Remus went to get the door. Sure enough, Severus was standing there, greasy hair and all, with long black robes on. Thick robes, too, which meant that it was cold out.

“Remus,” Severus said breathily, red-faced. He looked as if he’d sprinted to Remus’s house instead of apparating there.

“Severus, do come in, it must be freezing out there.” Remus was as gracious as ever, even to a very tardy Snape, and the big-nosed man himself couldn’t resist the invitation. Severus bustled through the door, clumsily jostling Remus as he did so, and pulled out a flask as soon as Remus had shut the door behind them.

“Here’s the potion, I’m sorry I’m so late–”

“It’s alright,” Remus assured hastily, snatching the potion from the table. “Do you see my situation, though?” Remus downed the potion as Severus turned around to find Tonks giving him a cheeky wave from the couch. He turned back to Remus.

“You’re leaving her alone?” he asked. Remus glared at him.

“Snape,” he barked, throwing the potion across the room where it clattered to the wooden floor. “Obviously you do not realize that the full moon is tonight!”

“Of course I realize!” Severus snapped back. “I just–”

“Oh, I know, I’ll stay here so that I can claw the baby to death as soon as it pops out! What if something happens, you twit? If I go mad, I could kill Tonks and the baby in the process!”

“Remus, I realize that, but with the potion–”

“Damn the potion! Damn all the potions that ever were! I hate potions!”

Severus realized that Remus was getting irrational at this point, that it was too close to the full moon, and he decided to back off. “Maybe you should go change somewhere other than here, then,” Severus said halfheartedly.

“I will then!” Remus shouted, and apparated on the spot, to where, Severus didn’t know, and didn’t care for that matter.

Now he was trapped. There was Tonks lying on the couch, breathing heavily, and then there was him leaving to get a nice cup of tea and settle into his warm bed. Because he still had a heart left in him, he chose to stay with Tonks, and though he wasn’t much for conversation, he tried to start one anyway.

“So, Tonks, what have you been up to lately?”

She looked off thoughtfully into the distance before saying pointedly, “Eating. And sleeping. Thinking of a good name for this crazy kid. Waddling around Hogsmeade looking like a fat lunatic. Being pregnant. And you?”

Severus merely stared at her. He wasn’t so sure how to handle pregnant women, never having been around women much in general, except for death eaters, and he certainly couldn’t deal with Tonks now. (Severus was convinced that death eaters didn’t exactly count as human, nor did they exactly have a specific gender. Then again, he was one of them.)

In response to Tonks’ odd statements, he merely nodded and looked over at the stove to see if there was a kettle. There was, and, whipping out his wand, he filled it with water and set the heat on high. While he was at it, he pulled two mugs from the cabinet with a flick and placed tea bags in them.

“Want any tea, Tonks?” Severus asked in his politest voice, turning to her briefly.

“Yes please,” Tonks said with a weak smile, “Thank you, Severus. And by the way, I expect superb tea from a potions master.” She gave him a little wink and he hastily turned back to his kettle. That wink was deeply disturbing.

Soon, the tea was ready. He handed her a mug and sat down in a chair beside the couch.

“You know you can leave, right Severus?” she asked, sipping the tea distastefully. Snape perked up at that.

“Well, I’d hate to leave.” He was only trying to be polite, but Tonks jumped on his comment.

“It would be nice to have your company a little longer, at least until the doctor gets here,” she said, and that was that. Severus was stuck waiting with a crazy pregnant woman for at least another ten minutes, not to mention that they had absolutely nothing in common. Well, except being on the same side (though thinking back on the Death Eaters, he wasn’t sure the light side was really a novelty).

“So how’s Remus been?” he asked, because Lupin was a subject he could actually talk about without squirming.

“Remus?” she whispered. Tonks got a dreamy look in her eyes that made her look as if her spirit had left her body and flown… somewhere else. To wherever Remus was. Snape was suddenly pulled by some emotion that was running in the veins beneath his skin, something so subtle that it made his flesh tingle and his stomach stir. If he wasn’t mistaken, this emotion was jealousy, but of the way Tonks cared for Remus? That didn’t make much sense to Snape.

“Yes,” Severus said wearily, “Remus.”

“He’s just as beautiful as ever. Even when he gets crazy before the full moon, I can’t help but love him.” She paused. Her eyes seemed to clear up at first, and then adopt a concerned look. “He’s been distant lately.” She looked right at Snape. “Severus, have you ever loved someone before, but not really been sure if they loved you back?”

Snape stood from the chair with his mug to go put it in the sink, avoiding answering the question that had hit too close to home.

“Severus, I–”

“Don’t,” Snape said hurriedly, “I don’t need more apologies.” He sighed and went back to sit in the chair. “Of course, Tonks. You think I’m not capable of love?”

“Oh, Severus, no. That’s not what I meant.”

“Yes, yes it is.” He smirked. “I get that a lot.”

Tonks ran a hand through her hair and sat up. “So who is this you love, Severus?” she asked.

Snape shook his head and allowed himself a sad smile. “None of your business, my dear Tonks.” Just then, the doorbell rang and Tonks perked up.

“That’s the doctor.”

“I’ll see him in and then I’ll be off, alright?”

“Thank you, Severus, you’re a dear.”

Snape opened the door, but it wasn’t the doctor.

“Remus?” he gasped, looking at the bedraggled man. His eyes were a piercing yellow, his face already taking on a gaunt, wild look, while his robes still hung off him, but in tatters.

“I need… to tell you something…” he rasped, gripping Severus’ arm.

With a pop, the doctor appeared standing next to Remus on the doorstep.

“Mr. Lupin?” the doctor questioned, craning his neck to view Remus. Remus hid his face and violently shook his head.

“Severus, I’ll come see you…” And then Remus was gone, apparated to wherever he changed. Severus shook himself clear of that disturbing sight; Remus was usually such a calm, thoughtful person, and to see him acting so irrational was always strange.

“I’ll be off, then, Tonks is inside,” Snape told the doctor, and apparated. The doctor, only a little confused, went inside the house and closed the door behind him.