|The Worst Thing
Author: moosey16 PM
After death, the Star Wars crew’s adventures still aren’t over as they discover that the worst thing that can happen to a Jedi is not the Dark Side, it’s Mary Sue.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 21,324 - Reviews: 142 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 12-02-07 - Published: 03-11-07 - id: 3435160
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Yes, I know this is terribly short. It's just been so long and I felt like I had to post something.
Chappir 12: alderrayy go BOOM!!!!
Leia groaned, looking down at the hideous Suefic in her hands with such hate that it looked as if she was trying to burn a hole in it with her eyes. "It figures," she muttered savagely, "that I get to read this chapter!"
Han laid a hand on her shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. "That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger," he recited.
"Yeah," Leia snorted, "but I'm not so sure this isn't going to kill me."
"Just get on with it," Anakin said impatiently. Obi-Wan wearily nodded his agreement. "The sooner you read, the sooner we'll be finished with this ordeal."
So lay-uh was caughted on the death moon
"Death Moon?" The entire group stared at the book incredulously.
"I know that I thought it was a moon," Han said in shock, "but this is just ridiculous."
"And I'm afraid it will only get worse," Obi-Wan said. "Carry on."
And annie was ther wit the supah evill creepie dude witout a name.
"Tarkin," Anakin chuckled. "Too bad he's not here to hear that."
"Did someone say my name?"
Eyes wide, Anakin and the rest of the group turned to look at the door, which had just closed behind none other than the notorious Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin.
"Speak of the devil," Anakin muttered.
Tarkin's skeletal face expressed nothing but befuddlement as his mind processed the scene before him. His narrow eyes darted back and forth between the unfortunate group reading 'The Other Chosen 1' and PKUONWECC, who were blissfully enjoying their cookies without even a glance at the new arrival. "What is going on here? I was beginning to think that everyone was hiding from me."
"Why would anyone want to do that?" Obi-Wan whispered not so discreetly to Luke, who erupted into not so silent giggles.
Tarkin shot a nasty glare at the two while Anakin tried futilely to explain the horrors that were Perfectua, Mornariel and Saturnalia. Upon receiving a blank stare in return, he finally settled on saying, "You'll find out what's going on soon enough."
"Take a seat," said Han with feigned happiness. "You're going to be here for quite a while."
Casting suspicious looks at everyone in the room, including the cookie-eating members of PKUONWECC, Tarkin took the seat to Luke's left and Leia picked up the Suefic once more.
The Death Moon was jus abou readie to blow up alderaayy nd the creep guy witout a nam
"Psst!" Anakin called to Tarkin, who wasn't the least bit ruffled by the Death Moon or the creepy guy without a name. "She's talking about you!"
The Grand Moff turned on Anakin. "What are you talking about?" he sneered.
"You're the creepy guy without a name," Anakin answered.
"What? Surely you must be mistaken. Are you sure that the author is not referring to you, Lord Vader?" Tarkin suggested. "With that bodysuit and mask, you certainly were creepy."
Anakin glared at him. "Leia, keep reading."
"wher is yur rebel base?" demand he creepie dude.
Lay-uh immeditaly brust into tears.
"What?" Leia yelled in stunned disbelief. "I did not cry! This is an outrage!"
As Han tried yet again to make Leia fell better, Tarkin turned to Anakin. "What's got her so riled up?" he asked, not in the least bit comprehending the horrors of the story.
"A number of things," Anakin explained simply. "But first and foremost the fact that Han's cheating on her with a Mary Sue." Ignoring Tarkin's gawking expression, he turned his attention to Leia, who had gone back to leering at the book. "Get on with it, already!"
"puh-lease!!!!! Puh-lease!!!! Dnon't killll meeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" lay-uh wailed. "I will tell you ANYUTHingg!!!"
"Ridiculous," Leia spat, regarding the book with a look of utmost disgust.
"So are a great many things in this horrid tale," Obi-Wan breathed. "Let's just get it over with." Leia grumbled something inaudible before continuing.
The creepy evlly dude THAT WAS NOT ANNIE smled. "THEN ANSUR MY QUESTON!!!!!!!!!"
"Ha!" Anakin yelped triumphantly, pointing a finger at Tarkin. "Did you hear that?"
Tarkin let out a resigned sigh. "Nothing makes sense anymore. How could anyone think that I am creepy?"
The group looked away rather than answer his question. Leia resumed reading without being told.
"okay!!! Okey!!!" lay-uh wailed. "the bas is n Wavin!!! Wavin five!!!"
"Wavin?" Luke asked, confused. "I've never heard of that planet before."
Han groaned at his innocent stupidity. "That's because there is no planet Wavin, kid. It's the dumb writer who made another dumb mistake."
"Oh," Luke said, still not really understanding.
"I won't read any longer," Leia said abruptly, dropping the book to the floor.
"Oh, come on!" Obi-Wan groaned.
"You have to," Anakin insisted. "It's the rules."
"I won't," she insisted, crossing her arms over her chest. "I will not continue to read this brutal butchery of my character. It's an outrage, a scandal!"
"Oh, get over it, your worship!" Han pleaded. "Everybody else had to put up with it. Why can't you?"
"I thought I told you to stop calling me that?" she growled. "And I will not read any more of this nonsense!"
"So what do we do now?" Obi-Wan asked.
"This," Anakin said, picking up the book and hurling it at Leia. It hit her on the head with a significant 'thump'.
"What was that for?" she demanded, rubbing the spot where 'the Other chosen 1' had hit her.
"KEEP READING!" Anakin shouted at her. "That's an order."
"You can't order me around!" Leia shouted back, picking up the book and throwing it back at him.
Anakin ducked and the book fell harmlessly to the floor behind the couch. "I can to!" he said childishly. "I am your father!"
"I'm not reading anymore of it," Leia insisted, shaking her head finally. "If you're so eager to hear how the story ends, then finish it yourself."
"You know," Anakin mused. "That's not a bad idea." He promptly stood up and retrieved the book from the place where it had fallen. Taking his seat back, he opened up to the appropriate page and prepared to resume reading. "I'm not stopping for anything. We're going to get through this chapter as quickly as possible."
"is on wavin, u say?" the creepe evilly dude ask. he went nd hand a button to lay-uh. "we r 2 farr from wavin 2 attac rite now, so u can blow up alderray now."
At this point, Tarkin tried to defend himself, but his words were lost as Anakin raised his voice and refused to stop reading.
"watttttt?????????????????????????????????????????????????????" lay-uh asky.
"u hrd me!" shuted the dude evil. "blew up alderayy of I WILL KILL U!!!! MWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
LAY-UH burst into ters agin nd tok the buton from the duy that was very ver verry veryyy bad. she push it nd alderray go boom!!!!!
then the guy man thing killed her neway.
Not even Anakin's valiant attempts to keep reading could drown out Leia's cries of jubilation.
"SHE KILLED ME! SHE KILLED ME!"
The princess had jumped up from her seat on the couch and had proceeded to dance around in a very un-Leia-like fashion.
"SHE KILLED ME! SHE KILLED ME!"
"Does she have to rub it in?" Obi-Wan asked. He was still bitter about being killed and then brought back to life. It didn't look like he, Anakin, Luke or Han would ever get to join PKUONWECC.
"Yup," Luke answered, watching Leia kiss Han goodbye before prancing off to PKUONWECC.
Meanwhile, Anakin turned the page and then handed the book to Tarkin, who had yet to read because he had only recently arrived. "That's the end of the chapter," he said, giving the Grand Moff a pitying look. "It's your turn now."
Tarkin sighed, but did nothing more to protest. His voice was solemn and grave as he read the title of the next chapter:
chappie thirteeeeeen: Mornariel's haunting.