A/N:

italics flashback, bold Joey observations

Credit goes to Katie05 for some of this chapter that we wrote together for a role play. I rewrote it, but she still deserves half the credit ;)

I quickly step out of the cab when my Dad stumbles onto the pavement, laughing. I try to help him to his feet but he's face down on the ground. "Come on. Get up. We've got to climb three flights of stairs and I'm not carrying you."

He puts up his thumb, "Roger that. I hear ya, sweetie. I'm getting up."

I try to help him again but he swats me away. "I can do it. Just give me a minute."

The cab driver rolls down the window. "Hey, lady? Seventeen-fifty."

I turn back around, and lean on the cab. "For five blocks? Give me a break, huh?"

"I've got a meter in front of me that says seventeen-fifty. Are we gonna have problems?" He asks.

I start to dig through my purse, "No. No problems." I hand him a twenty and he takes off without giving me my change. What a neighborhood.

I turn back around, "Okay, time to climb." He was already halfway up the stairs to our apartment building. I came from behind and balance him, but he shrugs me off.

"I got it." He pushes the door open and walks towards the mailboxes. I take hold of his arms and lean against him. "No mail tonight, Pop. You can get it in the morning. You need to sleep it off."

We make it up the three flights and I unlock the door with my keys. I throw them on the coffee table and take off his coat for him. He plops down on the couch, back first. "What would I do without you?"

I snort, "Walk the five blocks home. What happend this time? Someone look at you the wrong way?"

He rubs his temples in pain. "He mouthed off. He was asking for it."

I roll my eyes, hanging the coat up in the hallway closet. "They always do."

I walk to my room down the hall and change clothes. Jimmy was picking me up to go out in twenty minutes, which is why I was glad we had made it back in time. I loved it when he picked me up. Usually we'd just meet up wherever we were going and he'd walk me home. I look at myself in the mirror, and put on some red lipstick I'd bought last week.

Pop leans in my doorframe, "You going out with the Donnelly kid?"

I nod, and untwist the top of my mascara. "Yeah, he's picking me up. I'll be back by eleven."

He shakes his head, "You're not going."

I turn around in the seat. "What are you talking about?"

He steps into the room and starts to pace. "What am I talking about? I'm telling you that you're not going. I don't like him. He's no good. You know what kinds of things people say about that kid around the neighborhood? That he's into drugs and runs with that group that steal the cars from the lots."

I roll my eyes and turn back around, continuing with the mascara. The second part was true. Tommy was in into that too. The first I'm still skeptical about. I'd never seen him do any drugs, but I've heard talk. "Don't believe everything you hear. Jimmy's a good guy."

He steps closer to the vanity dresser, and puts a hand on his hip. "You're not going. You're staying. He walks in this house, I'll beat the shit out of that Irish spick! And don't think I won't!"

I put the mascara back in the makeup bag and look down at my knees. "Don't talk about him like that. You're drunk. You don't know what you're talking about."

Kicking a chair across the room, "Don't tell me that I'm drunk and I don't know what I'm talking about!" I stand up quickly. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"

He takes hold of my arm and pushes me away from him and my back hits the wall. "You're not leaving this house with that kid! That's it!"

I regain my balance and walk towards him. "I hate you, you know that? Even when you're not like this I still hate you. But I take care of you and when you call I'm always there to bail you out of whatever shit you get yourself into. You don't give a damn where I go or who I see. You just want me to be as miserable as you are." I shake my head, "I'm going and there's nothing you can do about it!"

I try and leave the room but he steps in front of me. "Yeah? Is that right?"

"Move!" I shout, shifting my weight. When I try for a third time to move past him, it happens. He holds his hand up and strikes me across the face. Hard. The pain stung instantly and I can feel the familiar tingling on my jawline. I put a hand on my cheek. "Son of a bitch." I back up into the bathroom and lock myself inside.

I slide down the door, cursing myself for being stupid enough to think it wouldn't happen again like he had promised me three months ago. My hands are shakily. I can see the mascara run down my face and drip onto my leg. I didn't know what to do. Usually I just sat in the bathroom until he finally passed out. But Jimmy was coming to pick me up. What was I supposed to say to him? He couldn't see me like this. He'd kill him. Usually that's just what people said. In my case, it was true. He would.

No. This had to stop. I've dealt with this for too many years. It ends tonight. I open the doors to the cabinet and feel for the gun that I had taped to the top. I take it out, open the bedroom door, and walk down the hallway into the living room. He was in the kitchen getting another beer out of the fridge. I stop about ten feet from him and point. "It should have been you instead of her."

He drops the half-empty beer bottle and the glass shatters on the wood floor. "What the hell are you doing, Maddie?"

"Does it make you feel less unhappy about living without her? Throwing me around whenever you get wasted? Does it make you feel good?"

He stares at the gun nervously. "Put the gun down. You don't even know how to use it."

"I know how to use it. I'm not doing this anymore. If I don't do something about it it's gonna keep going on and on. Even when I turn eighteen and can finally leave this shithole I'll still be here. It's not gonna stop."

He's about to respond but something catches his attention behind me. I see Jimmy in the corner of my eye standing next to me. He stares at the gun for a second and his eyes move from my Dad back to me. "I'm guessing tonight's not a good night to go out?"

I ignore him and focus on keeping my hands steady. He moves to the opposite side of me, and examines the forming bruise. "He do that?"

He puts a hand on my arm. I flinch. "Everything's under control. Just leave."

"Tell you what-- why don't you hand the gun over and let me take care of this? Joey's out there waiting for us."

"Oh yeah, did I mention I was there? Sorry, forgot about that. I'll try and warn you next time."

My eyes shift to Jimmy and as soon they do Dad steps towards us to try and get the gun away. Jimmy immidiately shoots him a glare, without missing a beat. "Don't even think about it! You're lucky I haven't come over there and knocked your fucking teeth out for doing that to her face. Don't move."

The front door opens and Joey walks inside. "What the hell's going on, Jimmy?"

Without taking his eyes off of me, "Nothing's going on. I need you to take her out into the hall. Can you do that?"

Joey nods, "Yeah, yeah. I can do that."

I move my arm away from him, but he keeps his hold on me. "Hey, hey. Relax. Hand it to me."

I shake my head violently, tears falling harder. "No! Just leave, Jim."

"If you think I'm leaving you here with him alone you're nuts." He presses his body behind me and runs his arms down mine, putting both of his hands on the gun. He whispers in my ear, "I'm not leaving you. I'm gonna count to three. All you have to do is let it go. Nice and slow."

I don't wait until three. I let it go and without another word, walk out of the apartment with Joey trailing behind me. I didn't care what he did or what happend after that. I just wanted it all to be over and to be free of him.

"I remember standing out in that hallway with Maddie. Longest fifteen minutes of my life. I kept waiting for a gunshot and wondering how in the hell we were gonna get his body out of that building without anyone seeing us. We didn't bring a car. But I never heard a gunshot. All Jimmy did was put the fear of God in him. That's all it took. He came out with one packed suitcase and told Maddie she was staying at the Donnelly's for the night. The next day, she moved in with her Grandmother and lived there until she saved up enough money to get an apartment in the neighborhood. She didn't talk to her Pop for two years-- until he called her in the middle of the night from the hospital. But he never layed a hand on her like that again. One of the best gifts Jimmy ever gave her, and she knew it. She also never held a gun again."

I snap out of my thoughts when I hear Dokie respond to Tommy's explanation. "What did you do? You shoot him?"

The one thing I knew that no one else did. At least I didn't think Jenny had told anyone except for me that she was the one who cleaned up the basement that night. My eyes and the gun follow Earl as he crawls across the floor to the drain. There had to be blood there. Jenny would never have thought to look. It had only been a little over a week since it happend.

I let out a sigh of relief as blood starts to drip from his fingertips. Dokie should be convinced of the half truth now. Tommy tells Jimmy to put the gun down, and I do the same.

Tommy looks to Dokie, and takes a deep breath. "We good here, Dokie?" He nods to Jimmy to get me out of there.

Jimmy crosses the room and slips the gun out of my hand. He puts it in his back pocket and holds out his hand out to me. I wait a few seconds before I take it and let him lead me over to the basement stairs.

I feel his body push me back suddenly so that I'm behind him when Dokie threatens Tommy with the axe. "You ever point a gun at me again and I will hack you in half. While you're still screaming, you got it?" I was the only thing keeping Jimmy from getting between Tommy and that axe.

After Tommy let him know he understood, Dokie continues past us up the stairs. Jimmy runs a hand through his hair, leaning over. "Christ."

I leave Jimmy's side and walk over to Tommy who seemed dazed. I put a hand on his back. "You okay?"

He runs a hand over his face, coming back to reality. "Yeah, I'm good. How 'bout you? You alright?"

I don't answer right away. I look up the stairs first. Dokie was gone now. "As soon as I get out of here I will be."

Jimmy straightens up and motions for us to start up the stairwell. I reach the top and stop when Jimmy pulls me aside. "Wait-- just-- wait a minute. Come over here." Tommy walks past me back into the bar, I assumed to find Jenny.

He's standing against the wall fidgeting. His hands rub up and down my arms and he isn't looking at me. "What, Jim?"

He looks up at me and cups my face in his hands. He didn't have to say anything. I was thinking the same thing. I could have lost him. Out of the blue, he pulls me into a tight hug and strokes the back of my hair. I should walk away right now before this goes any further. Before I walk up those stairs to his apartment over the bar. But my feet were bolted to the ground, and when he asks me to come up, I follow him. Stupid girl. Haven't you learned anything? He got you into this.

I wait while he nervously fumbles for his key. There must have been thirty keys on that key ring. He was always losing them. His hands tremble while he jiggles the dead bolt. Either the drugs and booze were still in his system or he was as shaken up as I was. I wanted to believe the latter.

The door opens and I walk inside before him. I jump when he slams the door shut and violently pulls the chain over to lock deadbolt. I don't move from the middle of the hallway. I just stand there. Probably because I have no clue where to go, how to act, or what to say after something like tonight. What was there to say?

I hear him call my name and my head snaps in his direction. "Yeah?"

He wraps his arms around my waist from behind. His chin is resting on my shoulder. "Everything's okay now. It's over."

I close my eyes and brush my hands against his arms, holding onto him. He kept whispering things in my ear, trying to let me know that I was safe now-- that it was over and he and Tommy had taken care of it. I try to do what I usually did-- get lost in the whispers and ignore the dangers that he got himself into. Dangers that this time had affected me and almost ended our lives. It's been months since he's held me like this. He never just held me anymore.

But it was too much. The memories of the basement kept flooding back. His leg on the keg.. Tommy's face watching Jenny terrified.. Jenny having to leave without me.. Jimmy looking at me like he was never going to see me again..

I quickly unfold his arms from my waist and turn away from him. "Jimmy, I can't do this with you right now. I can't."

He takes a few steps towards me. "Don't." I look into his eyes and try to think of some way to explain. But I knew what I had to do. Even if I really didn't want to. Even if I really did want to stay and didn't want to walk into an empty house tonight. "I'm leaving, I've gotta get out of here."

I bolt past him and pull at the doorknob, wanting out of that room so badly that I forgot about all those locks. Jimmy and his locks. He may have not looked it to most people, but he was one of the most paranoid human beings that ever walked the earth. I pull the chain to the side and struggle to get the deadbolt open. It was stuck because of Jimmy jamming it closed so hard.

I groan loudly and start twisting with both hands. Still no use. He leans on the door with one arm. Without looking over at him, "Are you gonna help me open this thing or what? You shut it so hard it caught or something. Damn thing won't even budge." I pull at the knob again, my heart racing.

He couldn't convince me to stay in that apartment. I've heard this all before. He'd promise me protection.. change.. love.. and anything else he knew I wanted. But he wouldn't deliver on any of them and it would hurt me. If I let him try, I'd end up staying. I'd buy into his shit like I always did and I'd hate myself for it later.

"No." He answers, "Not gonna do it."

I look over at him with my now furious eyes. Who the hell did he think he was? "Jimmy, open the door. Open it right now. I'm not kidding."

He shakes his head, "Neither am I. You're not leaving. You're staying. I have to tell--" He stops mid-sentence.

I had never seen him like this before. True, there were several Jimmy's. This was one I'd apparently never met. "What? Jimmy--"

He starts getting fidgety again and runs a hand over his face nervously. He slams his hand against the door. "Damn it! I-- Maddie. You could have died. They could have killed you in front of me. Do you get that?! They would have gotten away with it too. No one would have known." His face gets more red by the second and he's yelling now. "I can't even think of a reason you'd go anywhere near that guy knowing what you know."

"What did I know, Jimmy?! You didn't tell me anything at the hospital, I didn't know what you did!"

His face inches closer to mine, "You knew! Look, I guess you were trying to help me, Tommy, and Kevin out. Fine. But you risking your life like that--going down there with Dokie who wants my head on a stick, or better yet wants to use you to get to me, and with Jenny fucking Reilly as your backup?! Are you out of your damn mind?!"

Now I was in his face yelling. "Am I out of my damn mind?! I'm sorry, was I the one at the bar drunk off my ass shooting my mouth off? No! That was you."

His voice is calmer now. "You can't do that. You can't do crazy shit like the for me-- or any of us. Understand?" He looks straight into my eyes and puts a hand on the side of the my head. "You can't scare me like you did down there tonight again. You gotta be more careful, you know?"

It sounded like he cared and was worried. He was making complete sense-- until the last part when he turned into a condescending prick. I was wondering what happend to the old Jimmy. Found him. 'You gotta be more careful'. Was he serious? I hated even thinking it, but I was starting to see why Jenny had said she couldn't be with Tommy, even after all these years. Same shit-- different day, different brother. Lucky for Jenny, she had the one with his head on straight. Me? I was stuck with the most complicated, fucked up, and reckless one of the four.

I push his hand away from my face, maybe a little more forcefully than I intended, and step back. "More careful? Careful of what Jimmy? I was at wake with a barful of people in a public place. What exactly am I supposed to be looking out for?" I shove him backwards, "We haven't even seen eachother in four days!"

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. But at this point, I couldn't see calm happening. "Dokie called me over to talk to him and asked me about the night at the hospital that Sean got beat up. I figured it would look suspicious if I didn't go. Hell, he'd already scared Jenny off with all the questions he asked her. That looked bad enough. Next thing I know-- Jen comes back inside without Tommy and Dokie's guy starts manhandling her down into the basement. I look back to try and find you or Kevin and Dokie's standing right there, breathing down my neck, telling me that if I don't start walking he's gonna make this a whole lot worse for you, Tommy, and Kevin than it has to be."

I throw my hands up. "What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn't have much of a choice. How should I know he thought you killed Huey?"

Jimmy was quiet and didn't attempt to respond so I keep talking. There were things that needed to be said and he knew it. I look down at the ground, and realize that Jimmy almost being killed in the basement tonight wasn't the only thing that I was pissed off about. The thought of it made me want to punch a hole through a wall. "You showed up at the bar banged out of your head with Joanie all over you. I was mad and maybe I had a little too much to drink and my guard was off --yeah. I'll admit that. Maybe I should have went to find you after Dokie called me over, but I didn't." I add quietly, "I would have been fine down there without you. You haven't been you for a long time."

That was long overdue. Too bad it took something like this before I could tell him. Jimmy was still in his position, blocking the way with his arm. "Let me out of here, Jim. I'll walk myself home. Call Joanie, maybe she's up for a little fun. I'm done tonight." I look up at him for the last part, "I don't need the empty promises or for you to take care of me. I don't need you."

He reaches past my hip and turns the deadbolt with little to no effort. "You want to leave, Mad? Go. I'll see ya next time, huh?"

He walks into the kitchen and opens the refridgerator. I roll my eyes, "Yeah, I'll see you next time. Fucking wonderful, Jimmy."

I angirly swing the door open and realize that I'd be walking home and it was cold out. I wasn't wearing a jacket. I should have just kept going and risk freezing to death in my dress. "I need my jacket from the hall closet. I left it last week. I'm not walking wearing this."

Jimmy slams the unopened beer down on the counter and starts taking off his jacket. "Christ already, here, take mine. Just take it."

I cross my arms over my chest. "I don't want your jacket, I want my jacket."

He takes a long drink. "So, go and get it."

I throw my purse on the couch and walk quickly to the back hallway past the kitchen. "Jesus, it was closer to you! You can't even throw me my jacket? Real mature, Jimmy. Really, really grown up!" I throw the door open, rip the jacket off the hanger, kick the door shut, and kick it again after. "Damn it!"

From the kitchen, "You don't want the fucking jacket. You just want to save me. Not gonna happen, sweetheart. Lost cause."

I stop in front of the counter, "Trust me Jimmy at this point I know I can't save you, alright? I've known that for a long time. So, why don't you just shut the hell--"

I watch as he thrusts the empty beer bottle across the room and it shatters on the wall. I throw a nearby pad of paper at him and it bounces of his chest. "You're a son of a bitch, you know that?! Just because I don't want to sit here and watch you drink youself into a coma-- again! And you know what else?!" I chuck a pen at him. "You've never given a shit! You don't care that I'm walking home alone, you don't care about what happend in the basement, and you don't even care that not just me, Tommy, and Jenny but you almost died down there! You don't even care if you live or die, Jim. And I'm supposed to live with that? I'm supposed to wonder when you're gonna show up somewhere banged out of your fucking head with some girl who's more of a junkie than you are?"

I kick my side of the counter, "No way in hell! I'm not doing it anymore. Having to worry about whether or not you're gonna come home because you shot your mouth off to the wrong person-- having to go to Tommy and Kevin every five minutes so that I know you're not dead! I don't deserve it. So yeah, Jimmy. I know you're a lost cause, and maybe I thought I could save you once when we were kids. But now?"

"I was scared tonight," I continue, "I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't, and I know the reason you just said all of that bullshit to me is 'cause you were scared that none of us were gonna walk up those stairs alive, and that after they killed us they would have gone after Kevin, Sean, and your mother and you and Tommy wouldn't be there to stop it. But you can't just say that! You have to do this. Be like this. You can't just say that you love all of us more than your own life. Because I know you do, Jim. I know you."

I back up until I'm touching the couch. "I also know that you keep things from me. You think it protects me when you do that, but it doesn't. Tonight was just the beggining-- down in the basement, I can feel it." The physical hurt was paralyzing. It felt like someone was sticking a knife in my heart. My voice broke and it was taking all the strength I had not to start crying again. "That can't happen again, Jimmy. I need you to understand that. I can't-- I won't stand there and watch while someone tries to hurt you like that again. That's what scares me. It has nothing to do with me dying."

I let out a small laugh, realizing the obvious. "Who am I even kidding? It doesn't even matter if I walk out that door right now and never come back. Never speak to you again. We've been together since we were kids. Everyone knows that. It's a disease. This fucking neighborhood and the people in it who just want to kill everything that matters to someone over nothing. It's such bullshit."

It takes him a minute, but he finally gets a word in. "If I said all that-- would it help? Would it make anything better, change anything that's happend?" He balances himself on the counter. "I love you. I love Tommy, Kevin, Seany, and Ma. There. Are you happy now? Anything changed?"

He grabs another beer out of the refridgerator and pops it open. "Really, tell me-- did I fix it? Make it all better? You any safer? Is Seany out of the hospital? Are Huey and Sal still breathing? Words don't mean nothin'. It's what you do, and what you don't do."

I knew that he meant everything he said. Or at least he thought he did. Typical Jimmy. Wrong place, wrong time. "Words may not do anything, Jim. You're right. But they're nice to hear once in awhile. Maybe make the people you say you love not think you're a heartless asshole, you know?"

"I was worried about you, okay? You don't even know. You don't."

I walk back to the counter. "I do know. I felt the same way. When you put your leg on that keg. Jimmy-- everything.."

"Hey." He walks to the other side of the counter and pulls me close to him. "He didn't do it did he? I'm alright."

Hugging me tighter, "Stay here with me tonight, huh? I'll take the couch. I probably won't get any sleep anyway but I really won't if you leave."

I think about it, "Yeah, okay. Fine, I'll stay. I want you to get some sleep. But Jimmy-- no sex. That's not why I'm staying."

He shakes his head and kisses me on the forehead. "No. No sex. Wasn't even thinking about it." Liar.

I pull back from him, "I mean it, Jimmy. No sex. No begging, either. The door is staying locked."

He does a salute with one hand. "No problem. On my best behavior."

"And I want the good pillow."

His face scrunches up and he groans, "You serious?"