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It might not be obvious, but finding a format of email that this site can keep is a tough job. It doesn't accept anything that has a dot and a net or com extension, or support the 'at' symbol. But I think if we had to invent a new mail system, this would be it. Hah. Yeah right.
Anyway, here's a oneshot (as in, ONESHOT-DO-NOT-ASK-FOR-A-SEQUEL-I-DECIDE-IF-THERE-WILL-BE-SEQUELS-BY-MYSELF) that I wrote to make up for not writing in any pairings for Summit (it seems to have upset more people than I thought at first, because the story is a relative flop... Oh well) inspired in style by Meg Cabot's Boy adult series.
Warning: Language and sexual themes. Also, shameless lack of underwear. Haha. Is that even a warning?
For those of you who can handle this (like any of you actually heed warnings anyway), please, enjoy.
EDIT: Now with time stamps, since so many people requested it. I didn't include them at first because they were troublesome, and because I never read or use them in my own mailing life, but... I guess I'm the only one who didn't care. ;P
HyruleNet
By CM
See me in my office.
Link
P.S. NOW.
Where’d you get that hot secretary, you asshole? I thought we were a share-all company, here. You ought to at least handle that kind of stuff with―
Gimme a sec’, Mido the Intern of Nettlesome Smart-alecky Knowledge is asking me a question, and no, Mido, you don’t have to make a PictureShop File that will be as big as a billboard.
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that’s right.
YOU BASTARD. I find no reason not to hate you.
Lots of love from your eternal best guy,
Dark
Unless you didn’t bother to show up this morning, you’ll have noticed that Link has a new smoking hot secretary. Copy and paste the following message and flood his inbox!
“I hereby request that you give me a reason to come by your office so I can check your secretary out within the limits of legal, strictly business-related flirtation. Also, Dark Knight says you’re an asshole.”
You won’t regret it!
Dark
Mr. Knight (I know I don’t have to address you formally, considering the diminutive size of this company, but I think you need to be scolded according to the rules),
Seriously, Dark, how can you be like that? The new secretary (her name is Zelda Harkinian, by the way, so you might as well call her by name rather than refer to her with a noun) is a very nice woman. And you know who she is, so there’s no need to make a ruckus about it. It might reach her ears.
And Link is in a bad mood already, from what I could see of his livid face, so it’d be best if you didn’t antagonize him.
That’s just friendly advice.
Shad
He’s asking the guys to flood your inbox. They probably won’t, but I thought you ought to know.
Can I ask why you’re hiding out in your office? I hardly noticed you come in; you just looked at your new secretary then locked yourself up like a reclusive hermit on E.
Come on out, you have to admit she’s a looker.
Kafei
Terminate Dark’s account. Now. He’s a threat to the world.
Link
Why did we hire him, Kafei? WHY?
Link
P.S. I refuse to admire my secretary. She’s my secretary. It’s just wrong to… Gods. She’s eating strawberries as a snack.
We hired him because he was a marketing genius.
Kafei
P.S. Strawberries?? You bastard!
Excuse me, Link, but I fail to see how insulting me so early in the morning might accomplish anything.
But oh, I think you noticed the new secretary I hired for you. She’s quite the sight, isn’t she? I’m a genius; admit it. You complained about having no motivation, so now you have a reason to work off all your pent-up sexual frustration (because romance in the workplace doesn’t come recommended).
I think I’ve just doubled the company’s productivity. I deserve a raise.
Midna
P.S. I have work, sorry. It will require a good few more hours. So you’ll have to deal with not seeing me for another long, very long while. You might want to use that time to calm down.
Mr. Forester,
I finished and attached the file your previous secretary had left incomplete. I hope it meets your quality standards.
If I may be so bold, I think you’re coming down with a fever. Alternating between pale and flushed so often like that can’t be healthy. Should I fetch you some aspirin?
Zelda
…You are a conniving and cruel, cruel bitch, Midna.
Link
Poor you. She’s good at the job so now you’re anguished that you can’t fire her for incompetence? Oh well, that’s too bad.
The minute you were born, sweetheart, the sucker was you.
Midna
…is cackling evilly. It’s not a reassuring sight. Any idea what’s going on?
Nabs
Thank you, Zelda. The report’s top-notch. I have no revisions to make. You must have done this before, or something, right? This is the work of a pro.
And I’m fine, thank you for your concern. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately.
Link
P.S. I’ll have none of that Mr. Forester nonsense. At Time Corporations, everyone is on a first name basis, no matter their seniority. We’re trying to create a friendly atmosphere in the workplace.
If You See Kay you, as James Joyce would have lovingly said. I really hate you. Nabs just told me you’re cackling. Quit it or I’ll rip your manicured nails off your fingers. And don’t think that just because you’re a woman I’m going to stop myself.
Link
All right, Link it is. You’re right: it really is friendlier!
I guess you could say I had a little bit of practice with tier reports before. Besides, it was already started, so I only completed it. It wasn’t a big problem. I’m glad it needs no revisions.
Stress? I really don’t mean to pry, but are you sure you don’t need more sleep? I saw you typing quite angrily at your keyboard (I couldn’t help but notice). If you have a problem with your computer, maybe I should call the IT department?
Just tell me. I’m at your service.
Zelda
So?? He’s hot, huh? I told you he would be.
Also, congratulations on the pencil skirt. It’s great first-work-day wear. It outlines your bottom, and we both know what power a well-rounded bottom has on lecherous businessmen.
Not that Link is lecherous or anything. He’s a real gentleman, so he might check you out, but he would never show any bad taste.
Hang in there! It’s your ‘first day’, but I know you can do it.
Malon
I’m a lecher.
Please allow me to perform hara-kiri on my pitiful, tortured body.
… You do still have that ceremonial katana on your office wall, don’t you?
Link
P.S. Who even says ‘I’m at your service’ anymore?? Why is there a party downstairs, dammit??
Damn, he’s gorgeous and you know it, Malon. But I can’t write private mails like this too often! He might pass by and read over my shoulder!!
Not that he’s come out of his office since he came in, like, two hours ago. Pooh.
But he seems very nice and professional. And so educated!
Zelda
It’s a scimitar, you uneducated fool, and no, you shall not commit hara-kiri, seppuku, felo-de-se, or any other form of ethnical honourable suicide.
Now why exactly are you a lecher?
Nabs
I don’t know how you did it, but you have managed the impossible: Link Forester, administrative, financial and legal genius, has confessed to being a lecher.
Here’s are the Linkster’s own words:
“I’m a lecher.
“Please allow me to perform hara-kiri on my pitiful, tortured body.”
Followed by the less than subtle, “Why is there a party downstairs, dammit??”
Spectacular work. Now we need to get rid of that secretary within the day, because she’s making him lag in his work.
Nabs
Victory is a sweet, sweet song.
Midna
P.S. I know you have compromising holiday party pictures of everyone in Production and IT. Send them over. I deserve the reward.
Oh, you sneaky rat. And here I thought I was evil.
I’ll only hand over half the requested reward, though. The second half will come once our true goals have been accomplished. So get working.
Dark
You want to know why I’m a lecher? Isn’t it obvious? My new secretary, Zelda, has the body of a goddess and enough smarts to properly finish a tier report. On her own! She wears skirts that outline her backside whenever she bends over to pick up a fallen pen. She eats strawberries as snacks. STRAWBERRIES, Nabs! Because peanuts wouldn’t have been sexy enough against those glossed lips of hers. And she has the most luxurious blonde hair I ever saw.
Now all I can seem to focus on is the colour of her bra straps through her blouse (purple, I think, but I don’t want to get closer to be sure because I disgust myself).
I used to be composed and respectable. Women were an outside distraction. Women in the workplace, no matter how well they dressed, were never a problem. What’s happened to me? How could one woman turn me into a complete pervert??
Have pity on the agony of a man!
Link
P.S. Luxurious blonde hair. I used the word ‘luxurious’. Gods, I disgust myself.
Hey, Malon. You want the blackmail material Dark has? Get Zelda to move faster.
There. I’ve done my part.
Midna
You really outdid yourself, Midna. He used the word ‘luxurious’.
What’s your secret??
Nabs
Give him some time. He’s bound to come out of his office at some point.
So did you eat the strawberries yet? And did you bend over to pick your pen up? That never fails to work.
Next time, find a form for him to sign and lean over the desk to give him a good peep.
… You’re not wearing panties, are you? That might be an important factor.
Malon
You’re a horrible, horrible person, Malon.
I feel like such a teenager. Din knows I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It makes me giddy.
But yes, checkmark the sexy snack and the pen drop. Next I’m using the signature request.
Do I have security clearance for the lunch hour?
Zelda
Not yet, but I’ve got it covered.
Hang in there, Zellie. Whoop-whoop!
(So are you or are you not wearing panties? Dark is making me ask. You don’t have to answer, though. He’s just a pervert.)
Malon
We, the undersigned, wish to know how the work’s coming along.
Rauru Luz,
Crystal Aroma,
Barthelemy Dotour,
Impa Shades
Hey, everyone! Please note that as of 11:45, you must desert the floor of Time Corp. Leave your offices. Go for a nice, long lunch. No one must remain on the floor.
This message is sponsored by the Get-Link-Laid Foundation. Just kidding. Kinda.
Malon
P.S. Do NOT forward to Link!
Things are moving splendidly, as I’m sure you can now attest, sir.
Midna
That was a beautiful announcement. I almost shed a tear there. Oh, sorry. I shouldn’t be sarcastic.
It’s 11:00. I’m going in for the kill. I just found a complicated form for him to sign.
I will now make a blatant flirt of myself and undo one more button of my blouse, for added leaning effect.
Here I go! Pray he salivates at least a little!
Zelda
Have I killed someone in a past life? She just came in to make me sign a form and to inquire about my health (which involved her getting quite close, in case you were wondering).
I confirm the bra is indeed purple. A nice lavender purple, too. It certainly enhances her bosom. I get this feeling like her buttons are gradually getting undone or something. I could have sworn she was more of a prude this morning. I am not complaining. I am that horrible.
Thank gods I don’t have to get up from my desk anytime soon.
Link
I changed my mind. Come get the scimitar and put an end to that pathetic thing you call a life.
This ought to entertain me somewhat.
Nabs
WELL? Has drooling occurred??
Tell us! The whole of HR, Production and IT are in my office having a wager, here!
Malon
You people are shameless. I used to have such a high regard for this company.
Just kidding. I still do, in spite of your strange pastimes.
I hereby confirm that while no visible drooling occurred (the man is made of iron will, you gotta hand it to him), he certainly looked quite warm and ‘uncomfortable’ for a moment there.
… So, who won the wager?
Zelda
“So, who won the wager?”
I’m starting to like this woman. If Link gets the stick out of his pants, we might have plenty of baby geniuses running around the office in no time.
Dark
Dark, could you stop twisting expressions around? Also, could we not discuss Link’s potency? He’s a sexy bastard, but if he’s inching towards monogamy, do not make me stray.
Besides, you’re at my service, so don’t you check out other women.
Midna
P.S. But yes, she’s a smart woman, with just the right balance of good and evil. Couldn’t imagine ‘hiring’ a better one.
I’m at your service? I’m not so sure about that.
Then again… Are you wearing a thong? Just curious.
Dark
Dark, you are a single-minded pervert and a shameless asshole.
Midna
P.S. Thongs are uncomfortable so I’m not wearing one, yet I have no panty lines… Do the math. Does that satisfy your curiosity?
I’m all yours.
Dark
P.S. Marry me. I’m serious.
You seem in a good mood. Any particular reason (other than the fact that Link might finally get what he so desperately needed)?
Malon
My private life is none of your concern.
It’s not your place to know that Dark just asked me to marry him, even though neither of us believes in the institution of marriage and we’re not even dating in the first place.
Midna
P.S. It’s 11:40. We should get going. Gather everyone. It’s Dark’s treat.
We’re going now. I want you to show him who is boss!
Seriously, though, don’t keep it a secret longer than necessary, alright? About who you are, I mean. Link’s a good guy; he deserves to know.
Then again, he’s pretty dumb not to notice. I mean, your name is just THERE, on the SCREEN.
Malon
Don’t worry, Malon. Link is in safe hands.
Have a nice lunch! I sure will.
Zelda
In retrospect, was all this staging absolutely necessary?
Rauru
Judging by Link’s expression, I’d have to say that yes, sir.
Midna
She must have done him some good while we were gone. Did you see his face?
Dark
P.S. Think she wore any panties after all?
That must have been a memorable lunch. You look like you just had more chocolate than is legal.
… Was he any good?
Malon
He’s splendid. I have no regrets. I intend to make him a permanent fixture in my life. Or at least turn him into the dream boyfriend.
For a trial run, I’ll say he gets a 4.9 on 5.0. He lost a little bit because he didn’t figure out who I was until I told him I was the Zelda Harkinian. But he certainly made up for that mistake later on, hence the near perfect score.
Thanks for helping me out on this little stunt.
Zelda
You vixen!
Yeah, Link doesn’t have such a great memory, but he’s brilliant at everything else. I guess everyone sort of assumed that extended to the nookie department.
Apparently we were right.
Malon
P.S. It’s no trouble. It was fun. Hope you consider associating your company to ours now?
He’s yummy.
Zelda
P.S. Was there ever any doubt?
Hey, Nabs. My secretary? Yeah. She’s Zelda Harkinian. THE Zelda Harkinian. As in, Zelda Harkinian, shareholder of Destiny Industries.
She’s also hotter than fire.
And she makes a mean turkey sandwich.
I think I’m in love.
Link
Please use my scimitar. Please. You’re disgusting me.
Nabs
P.S. The IT, Production and HR departments were wondering if she wore any underwear. They asked me to inquire since the lady in question was silent on this matter.
Tell them I wore nothing and suffer a brutal and painful death.
Love,
Zelda
She wore long johns.
… Wait, you talk about underwear during work hours??
Link
You totally know she went au naturel.
I win my wager!
Dark
Dammit. There go twenty rupees.
Nabs
Mr. Luz,
In the name of Destiny Industries, I agree to work with Time Corporations for at least the length of a contract, though it is very likely this period will get extended.
We will discuss this further at a later date.
Zelda Harkinian
You earned yourself a raise. I don’t want to know what arguments you used. Just consider that Time Corp. is glad to have such an upstanding young man in its ranks.
Let us never speak of today again.
Rauru Luz
Did I mention I’m a god?
Link
Leave a review (and check out Summit! It's good!)!
Love,
CM