Losing yourself, you did a good thing
Truth never hurt, you did a good thing
In spite of yourself, you did a good thing
Truth will be told, you did a good thing

--

I look at you, standing in front of me with that unreadable mask you can’t seem to be able to drop. Your lips are frozen into an inexpressive composure, and you eyes never lift from the paper in your hand. You’ve been reading it through and through for long minutes, and we both know you’re doing this because we’ve got nothing to say to each other.

You don’t smile anymore. You stopped long ago and now it’s like you have forgotten how to do that. I miss your smile, even if you probably wouldn’t believe it. I miss you, too.

It’s been months since we departed. Not physically, but I guess everyone has noticed how we’re standing miles apart, even if you’re here before me. We’re so close that I could kiss you, if I wanted to, I could pull you to me like I would have done once, but I can’t. You’re here within my reach, and yet you’re unattainable.

Time’s gone by so quickly, I think I’ve lost some of the phases of this now unfixable gap between you and me somewhere along the path. You and me. It still fells weird, and hurts, to think of the two of us as two separate people. We used to be one, not a long while ago, and it used to feel like it would last forever. How wrong we were.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t give, now, to see you happy again, to hear your laugh one more time. What happened to us was not my fault, and yet I feel guilty all the same. I would have never thought you could be so cold to me, and though I know you do this to keep me away from you, my heart breaks every time you turn away and lock yourself behind a thousand doors to keep me distant. I don’t know why you do this, but I wish you’d left me one chance to mend what was destroyed that night. You hurt me, more than I thought it was possible, and everything ended, but we left something unspoken, and that will always keep us bound, whatever we do, wherever we go, whoever we love.

It was your decision to leave me, and I still wonder why I let you walk away without even saying a word. Perrhaps I thought you would come back.

I remember your eyes, lost and scared, and the trembling sound of your voice as you whispered to me our story was to come to an end. Only later I found out you did it because Eric was in love with you. I didn't think you could be so naive to believe it would work. The unfair thing in what you did was that, in the attempt to appease him, you ended up deceiving all the three of us: me, him, and even yourself.

Is your life better now you have sacrificed all you had for a role you’ve never played with sincerity? Do you feel better, now?

I hope you do. I hope it was worth every lonely day, every crack in your heart, every teardrop you’ve swallowed back, because this sorrow you feel and can’t hide will never be gone.

Whether you were moved by pity, or guilt, or else, I’ll never know, but what hurt me most was that you were ready to throw away everything we had built together without even trying to talk about it with me. You just came by with a box in your hands, full of all those things that reminded you of me, and placed it into my arms without an explanation, nor a word, except that broken ‘Sorry’ before leaving. And between pictures, clothes and flowers, I found something I’m sure you didn’t want me to see. One single tear, lying over the frame of our first portrait together. I never told you, but that tear left some hope in me, a hope I still carry inside and which dies a little more every time you silently remind me we don’t belong to each other anymore.

And now you finally gaze up from the paper and for a moment our eyes meet. You didn’t expect this, and I see the uneasiness in your look. I don’t know when it was the last time I got to look straight into your soul, but it feels like I never really did.

We can’t break the eye contact. I know why you were so afraid to let this happen. It’s scary, isn’t it? To come to the realization that, in truth, nothing has changed since we stopped being us and went back to being just Ryan Wolfe and Calleigh Duquesne. You still see love in my eyes, and this is dangerous, because I can see how desperately you’re trying to fool yourself that I don’t need you, that I can be happy without you, but it’s not working, and I know this because your eyes still bear that love, too.

This wasn’t meant to happen, and the fact we can’t move proves how weak is your willpower to hide from the truth. Under your many layers of finely painted disguises, I can feel a part of you wants to fly back to these beautiful days, its power growing stronger and stronger as we sink into each other, slowly, and yet so inexorably.

We’re close, like we’ve been so many other times before, and it feels just like then. What was between us has been buried down into us, deep enough to be ignored, but not enough to be killed. It was our dearest secret, and it still is. In spite of all your efforts to ignore it, it’s not gone, and I know you can feel it too.

There’s a silent scream in your eyes, you’re begging me to face away and interrupt this unbreakable moment. You want to run away, because it’s hurting you, because you feel it’s wrong, even if you know better than me it’s never been so right. But you belong to Eric now, and it’s not up to me to tell you what is best for you, even if it means to see you suffer in silence, out of my reach. I just wonder if you know that, despite all your lies, you don’t look happy at all, if you realise that your eyes are empty, when they should be full of joy, instead.

Now it’s like you’ve erased from your memory every moment we spent together, wiped it away like some dust on your favourite days, and now all you’re left with is a life you can’t really live.

Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you? It was seven months ago, on your birthday. There was just you and me, and that promise we made to be there for each other, whatever it would happen. We made love, and held each other so tight that is was impossible to breathe, and yet we’d never felt so alive. Have you forgotten of that, too?

And now Eric enters the room, and he sees us, standing so close that our bodies are touching, and his face turns dark. You left me for him, he’s always been quite satisfied of that, but what he’s facing now goes beyond the illusions one can watch the world through. I can recognise that mixture of pain and anger and powerlessness on his face, I wear it every time I am reminded what’s become of us. He would kill me right now, if he wasn’t so abashed, so stoned to see us like this. It’s the first time in a long time our safety distance has been violated. It’s the first time in months he can see he’s been wrong all the time in believing you broke up with me because you loved him. Now I can see this, too.

I already had your love, I didn’t need you to be by my side to know that.

He did.

Because even if you left me, you’ll never really be gone, and even if you are his, he’ll never have your heart, nor your love, because they’re something you never asked me back. You gave yourself to him, but all he owns is an empty shell without its pearl.

And even if you’re leaving with him, now, you’ve never really left my side, and I know this because, one moment ago, there were tears in your eyes.

--

And I'll miss you for the longest time
Our lovely view was the best I've known
Tears on my face have fallen so
So long there can be no harder way

(You Did A Good Thing, Sleepthief ft. Nicola Hitchcock)