|The Birds & The Bees Emmett Style!
Author: UnicornGoddess95 PM
How does Bella get unglued from Edward? Find out and prepare to laugh! Complete for now...maybe I'll come up with more hilarity.Rated: Fiction M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,515 - Reviews: 722 - Favs: 959 - Follows: 569 - Updated: 05-10-07 - Published: 03-19-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3448097
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: All characters are the property and creation of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just having fun embarrassing them.
I need to give credit where credit is due. First off huge hugs to ECABS!! She is the creator of the original 'The Birds and the Bees'. If you have not read it, check it out! Carlisle has 'the talk' with Edward. It's absolutely brilliant. She was also a huge support and helper on this project.
I also want to plug the fan fic by genealogygirl—'Try it on Your Piano'. I used a piano reference that is similar to her story and her story is awesome. Being an ex-band geek, I had to use the little piano line about Emmett and Rose.
The 'Birds & the Bees'—Emmett Style
My body couldn't stop; I was pacing all over the house. The laundry was done, dishes put away and dinner was even ready for Charlie in the fridge. I had nothing left to do, except wait.
Edward should be here any minute to pick me up. We were planning a fun-filled afternoon at his house. From what Edward had told me, Emmett and Jasper had bought a barbeque grill and were dying to try it out on creating some human cuisine for their one and only human, me. I was somewhat nervous about the thought of them cooking for me. I could trust Edward's cooking, prom proved that, but Emmett and Jasper? Those two would have more entertainment playing with the fire needed to start the grill instead of the food that was supposed to be prepared on it. I smiled at the thought of this. I'm sure I was in for a few laughs today. The whole idea made me go to the kitchen cupboard to grab a few granola bars and promptly stuff them in my bag. Just in case.
I went out to the living room with the intent to sit and read until Edward arrived. I opened my tattered old copy of Romeo and Juliet and prepared to impatiently read. I barely read a few lines when I heard a soft knock on the door. I grabbed my stuff, flew to the door to open it only to be disappointed. It wasn't Edward at my door.
Emmett stood there with a wicked smile on is face. I could tell he was laughing on the inside. I was a little upset since I had been planning my romantic greeting strategy to execute on Edward. Emmett must have read my subtle disappointment.
"You can kiss me if you like, but I don't think Edward would appreciate it." He laughed.
"What are you doing here?" I asked curiously.
"Well, Edward and Alice are running a little late coming back from Seattle. They called and asked me if I would pick you up." He reached out to me and playfully ruffled my hair like a big brother would do to annoy his sister.
"Emmett, stop that." I said as I playfully punched him in his rock-hard stomach.
"It's too much fun to ruffle you up." He smirked. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah…" Was all I was able to get out before Emmett picked me up and slung me over his huge shoulder, carrying me to his jeep. I was in the seat, strapped in snugly by the 5-point harness before I could blink. Emmett was obviously enjoying himself. He walked to the driver's side, got in and started his monstrosity of a jeep. His vehicle fit his personality to a tee.
"Well, you're obviously in a good mood today." I stated amused.
"It's not everyday I get to spend some quality time with my favorite human." He mused.
"You mean the only human that will put up with you." I corrected.
"Ha, yeah something like that." His expression started to fade from the over-happy persona to a more serious note. "No, I uh actually wanted to talk to you about something. It's personal though."
I looked at him confused. "Well shoot, we're practically family."
"Bella, I don't know how to really bring this up, but I want to for Edward's sake. I live with him. I see his…frustration. I mean...hello...he lives in a house with three sexually happy couples. He has it the worst since he not only has enhanced hearing, but he can hear and see our thoughts, too. I don't know how he does it. I'm waiting for him to self-implode."
I coughed, choking on the air around me. Was he mental? Why was he asking me this? I loved Emmett like a big brother, but talking about me and Edward's lack of a sex life was worse than having this conversation with Charlie. Even worse was the fact that Edward would probably read Emmett's thoughts and know this conversation took place. I rolled my eyes and spoke. "Emmett, what makes you think I want to have this conversation?"
"I didn't say you would like to have it. I was more curious, and concerned. The tension is almost too much to watch, especially when somebody in the house is having an 'intimate moment' these days. He usually leaves…you know, there is a reason he likes to spend the night at your house." He laughed at his comments.
I looked at Emmett, my face must have displayed the sheer terror my mind felt at the direction our conversation was going. "Emmett, what exactly are you saying?" I asked breathlessly.
"Well…I was wondering if you guys are ever going to, you know, hit home base." He shot me an evil grin, and faced forward, pretending to put all his effort into driving.
"Emmett, Edward has his 'boundaries' in place and until he changes his mind, or changes me, we are pretty much stuck at first base." I could not believe I was telling him this.
"First base?" He choked. "You mean to tell me after all this time you two have only hit first base?" He glanced at me in amazement.
"Yep, that's pretty much it." I replied.
He let out a long whistle. "Wow, that boy has more willpower than I'd thought."
"You have no idea." I sighed. "He's the one that has to keep me in check."
"Seriously?" Emmett snorted.
"Uh…yeah. You should know him by now…little mister perfect gentleman. I don't think he knows how to be naughty." I said amused, until I felt my face flush red as my mind reminded me of the private information I was disclosing to Emmett.
He laughed so loud and hard his jeep felt like it was rolling over those annoying warning grooves on the highway edges. I could tell he was fighting to keep his eyes open enough just to drive.
"You ok over there?" I asked in utter amusement.
I could see that Emmett was fighting to regain his composure. I sat and stared out the window, bewildered that we were having this conversation and dreading the moment I would be in a room with Emmett and Edward. I could guarantee that Emmett was going to be bear bait once Edward discovered this conversation.
Emmett smiled his wicked grin and tried to straighten in his seat. "Bella, so you are telling me that he is the one holding you guys back?"
"Didn't I just tell you about our little boundary-based love life?" I mocked.
"Ha! I guess you did. So how far have you guys been? I mean have you ever even seen him naked?"
I let out a shocked laugh and looked at Emmett. "Naked? Yeah right. Not unless seeing him with his shirt off counts? How about those skimpy gym shorts he wears? I guess that means no. Hmm…but you know, I wouldn't mind seeing him sprawled on his couch posing like Greek god for my own personal entertainment. I'd forfeit those boundaries in a heartbeat."
I could see Emmett smiling at me and trying his damnest not to laugh. I took a moment to think about what just flowed from my mouth like a cascading waterfall. I felt the blood rush to my face and I looked away embarrassed. Damn him! How does he always pull these confessions out of me? He's worse than Edward.
"Well you know I've seen him naked…" Emmett mused. "You'd enjoy the scenery." He let out a loud laugh.
I stared at Emmett, dumbfounded and at a loss for words. How could he sit there and tell me that I'd 'enjoy the scenery'. He was mental. I felt the insane urge to grab one of those granola bars in my bag and chuck it at his head, even though I might as well throw a feather at his head, would probably hurt just the same.
"You do look cute when you're mad, Edward's right about that." He joked.
"I'm not trying to look cute, Emmett."
"You know that I'm sure he's seen you naked by now." Emmett laughed.
"How in the hell would you know that?" I scoffed.
"Well, think about it." He stated and rolled his eyes. "He can only read minds and that includes images need I remind you. After all those weeks of Alice coming over to help you dress and shower after you got home from Phoenix, you are really going to sit there and tell me that he didn't take one itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie-little peek through her thoughts?" He laughed and muttered to himself. "If he didn't, I may have to disown him for being too much of a prude."
I felt all the color drain from my face at what Emmett had just disclosed. He peeked?
"Come on Emmett, do you really think that he, mister goody-two-shoes, would stoop so low to peek at me in the shower with Alice." I hope he didn't. What did he see?
"Um…I would." Emmett was shaking with laughter.
"Emmett!" I yelled. "You are unbelievable." I started secretly looking around the cab of his jeep for something to throw that could hurt if I lobbed it at his head. The small portable fire extinguisher was tempting.
"No seriously, Bella. I want to see you guys happy and satisfied. It pains me to see you guys like this. I couldn't last a week without being with Rose."
"Well, that explains why he is never home when you two are home alone." I stated sarcastically.
"Of course, we tend to get a little carried away from time to time." He smirked.
"Is that why he was polishing the piano last week?" I asked curiously.
"Ha…you are observant aren't you?"
"You guys did it…on his piano…and are here to tell the tale?" I gawked, my eyes huge.
"Bella, it's not the first time we've used his piano. Just one of the few times we've been caught."
My mind suddenly conjured up a visual of Emmett and Rosalie on top of Edward's piano, wrapped passionately in each other's arms. Part of me was jealous that Edward and I could not embrace like that, the other was part was disgusted at the thought of it. The next time Edward desired a romantic moment at the piano with me, I was positive Emmett and Rose would 'pop' into my mind. I shook my head.
"Emmett." I said seriously. "You know Edward and I can't take our relationship any further. As Edward says, I'm too fragile, too breakable."
"Do you really think that Bella? Have you ever tried to seduce him?"
"Have you ever tried to seduce a brick wall?" I shot back. "Not to mention he's, ohh let's see, a million times stronger than me. Trust me, it wouldn't work." I turned and stared at the road ahead of us, fuming.
"I just think he is suffering from a huge case of 'stage fright'." Emmett smirked while chancing a glance at me.
I turned and glared at him. "Stage fright? Get real Emmett."
"I am! I mean, think about it Bella. He's 106 years old and has never been with a woman. Don't you think he's a little nervous? With 106 years of knowledge, I'd expect some pretty amazing things from him if I were you." He snickered.
"Emmett, he's only been to medical school twice, I think he's 'got the concept'. I quipped.
"I never said that he didn't know the mechanics of it all. That would be him though, disrupt the moment being all 'intellectual'." He frowned. "That just can't be romantic."
"Well, Emmett, some of us are attracted to each other by non-physical traits." I scoffed.
"So intellect is his version of foreplay?" He asked.
I rolled my eyes. "Emmett, my god, it will happen eventually…and I'm sure Edward will plan some huge 'gala' affair for us." I smiled at the thought.
Emmett disrupted my thought with is absurd laughter. "Well…If I were you at that affair, I wouldn't blink…the minute man's going to be a one-shot wonder." His head fell back against his seat, his body consumed by laughter.
My face flushed and I could feel the heat build up beneath my cheeks. I reached for the portable fire extinguisher in the bracket mounted to the side door and flung it at his head. His speedy vampire reflexes kicked in as he dodged it gracefully. I saw the extinguisher fly out the window and tumble to a nearby ditch. I sighed, crossed my arms over my chest and readjusted myself in my seat, hoping to display my anger.
"You missed." He smirked.
"It's the thought that counts." I muttered.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I honestly just wanted to talk to you. Being passionately loved by your mate is one of the greatest feelings one can ever experience. Not to mention all the toys, costumes, high heels, and various 'personal' lubricants. The new tingling kind was pretty erotic. Rose enjoyed it… a lot I might add."
"Emmett!!" I shouted in a desperate effort to get him off topic.
His booming laughter filled the jeep.
I started to feel relief when I saw the turn off to their house. We're almost there, thank God!
As the monstrous jeep made the final curve, I could see the Cullen mansion. To Emmett's utter disbelief, Edward was standing in the driveway. A smile of giddy delight played across his face. I groaned knowing Edward was prying into our conversation.
I turned to look at Emmett and playfully gave him my best smile. "Oh, you're in trouble…Edward once told me your mind was like a lake with no shadows." I started laughing so hard my ribs hurt. I quickly pointed my index finger at Emmett and shouted, "Bear bait!"
Emmett glared back, a look of pain on his face. Was he trying to suppress his thoughts? The jeep rolled to a stop and Edward approached. I practically lunged out of Emmett's jeep and grabbed Edward's shirt, trying to pull him to the house.
"Come on Edward, let's go." I stated quickly.
"Hold on Bella." He laughed. "This is good." He smirked as he was staring at Emmett with his most crooked grin. He gently put his arm around my waist and continued to stare down Emmett, obviously probing his mind.
He tightened his grip on my waist, looked down at me. His face held a look of amusement twisted with pain. He smiled his best smile and questioned, "I'm…not naughty?"
A/N: Next chapter—Edward's reactions to the play by play of their conversation. Will Edward finally want to take Bella to second base?