Disclaimer: Harry Potter™ is the legal property of Joanne K. Rowling and movie rights belong to WB.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: slight gore, mentioned character death
Summary:Harry lies in his bed, unable to let go of what he did.

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This Beat

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I laid in my bed, listening to the tick and tock of the clock. My heart thumped a heavy beat, sickeningly vibrant in the face of my pain. Ginny lies next to me, her breath is so soft and softer still that I fear that she might stop breathing altogether. That's how James nearly died when he was a newborn, if it hadn't been for the Nanny charm on his crib, which had alerted us, James would have suffocated to his death. I still have nightmares about that and James' already 8 years old. I was a father too early in life. Worry comes naturally to me.

Tomorrow, I have work. Duty calls and who am I to refuse as I've fought relentlessly since my birth. Last week I killed a man. It was all blood and guts as the cutting charm nearly tore him in two. I hadn't meant to kill him. I feel lonely as everyone is so nice and understanding. Can't they just condemn me like always?

Ginny makes a little sound as she shifts in her sleep; she has a Quidditch game the day after the next. I feel like running to the loo and emptying my stomach with heavy heaves, matching the repulsive beat of my heart. It rings like drums in my head and I can't forget the smell or the sight of the man I killed. He was the first I killed since the war. I can't forget that either.

I feel like I'd rather take yet another Avada Kedavra to my head while whispering prayers to my family than keep on thinking these thoughts. Or perhaps to my heart to stop that sound that reminds me that I'm alive and everyone else isn't. I can't forget. Blood and guts. Broken bones and torn limbs.

I could make myself forget. A quick Obliviate to the head and to the heart and it would be over. Oh, the possibility of madness is always there when you play with your memories but this is driving me insane as it is. The taste of it, the small of it, and the sickeningly glorious feeling of it. I don't allow myself to take satisfaction from it, not even when I know that I did society a favour killing him however inadvertently I did it.

Ginny sleeps restfully next to me, I nearly resent her that peace, but by Merlin, how I love her. She's the only one foolish enough to take a man like me and love me back even as I hurt her. I think she lives in a dream sometimes. Then again, so do most married people, ignoring the bits and pieces that don't match the plans they made when they first saw each other, until the moment when someone snaps and the Hit-Wizards or Aurors are called in to pull the wands from their hands. Usually one of the parties is dead by this time. I pity the children the most.

I remember one of those cases; we had rushed in wands held high, as we had seen the corpse from the window. Mr McArthur lay dead in the hall, his head bashed in, bleeding all over the carpet. One of the rookies nearly vomited all over the scene. Meanwhile, widow McArthur had stood in the kitchen, cooking and humming happily, her eyes vacant and a smile plastered on her face as we came in. She hadn't resisted arrest or spoken very much at all other than instructed one of my fellow Aurors to mind the pot and see to the kids.

Generally, it was the Hit-Wizards' jobs do cases like this but they were short-handed and had been for quite some while. Aurors on the other hand had too much free time according to the Ministry. Death Eaters weren't as much of a problem and dark wizards were a rare if dangerous breed in the Magical Britain, the existing ones were usually smarter than your average criminal and didn't even hit the radar of the Ministry's Law and Enforcement Departments.

It makes me heave. Just more blood on the ground and the taste lingers in my mouth. I bit my tongue. I've been doing that more often lately and the thump and thud in my heart echoes loudly. I barely hear the tick-tock of the clock now and a quiet desperation fills me.

It's long past midnight but morning is still far away. Should I just get up and get some paperwork done? Sleep will elude me nevertheless and doing something might quieten the drums in my head and the noise that takes over so very utterly. I need a distraction. I mustn't wake the kids though, both Albus and Lily are so very young still they need their sleep.

Sex doesn't seem a viable option either, once Ginny goes to sleep she is like the living dead. Nothing short of a disaster or the light of dawn can wake her. Besides, it seems a bit distasteful to bed your wife as you dwell on blood and gust and how horrid life is. Merlin, it sounds even worse like that.

Tomorrow, I'll cheer up. I'll eat pancakes for breakfast just because I can and I'll tell my family how much I love them before I rush off again. Or perhaps I'll call in sick and spend my day with the kids instead. It'd be peaceful and satisfying in a way work never is.

A hidden warehouse. Blood and guts spread over the table, fingers cut off at the first joint just to make them beg and spill their secrets. It had been a smuggling and black-market bust. We had nearly lost a man on the job as it escalated into a full-scale battle. Blood and guts and the smell of the contents of the mentioned guts together with the tang of blood. I had taken a spell in my back, a nasty one but my reinforced robes had saved me. I had blindly cast spell in the thugs' way and a wayward one had hit a stringy looking fellow in the stomach. The look on his face had been near comical as he was ripped in two like a straw doll. He had died slowly but passed out immediately from the shock, a small mercy.

The Ministry workers had tided up the scene afterwards and they spoke not of the dead men other than making small notices in their clipboards. I'd written my report. They had asked if I wanted counseling, I declined the offer. That had been it. Back to work like always.

Tomorrow, I'll forget. I'll try to work things out.

My heart beats hard, satisfying, and so sickening, but my breath is steady and I lie still.

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The End

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ManicR