Switcheroo 42

Kim ‘Sparticus’ Huerta

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach, but whenever I see it in the laundry isle, I giggle. Kubo Tite pwns all!

WARNING: Cracktastic. Mild language in there somewhere.

DEDICATED: To anyone who ever wondered exactly what sort of weird crap is going through my head when I start laughing for no apparent reason. ;)

---

“We should play a prank on Ichigo.” Kon said as he climbed up onto the couch. Settling himself, he stuck his paw into a bucket of popcorn. The mod soul tilted his plush head to the side to eye the strange creature currently occupying the chair.

“We really should.” Sparty agreed. She was seated upside down in the chair, casually twiddling her thumbs as she watched cartoons. Although human in appearance, she was far from it, further even than shinigami. “You know, Hamtaro is even more mesmerizing from this angle.”

“Ah huh…” Kon gave the transformed dragon an odd look then shook his head, leaned back into the cushions. “It’s gotta be a good one; vengeance for making you baby-sit me while he goes after hollows. No one’s even home! I can stay here by myself, geeze! And you’re actually useful in a fight!”

“I know!” Sparty grunted, wriggling around to curl up in the chair, resting her chin on the armrest not unlike a dog. “He didn’t even leave you in is body; how much trouble can you get in as a plushy?”

“You’d be surprised.” Kon smirked. “But you’re right, I’m way more troublesome when I have his body to play with.”

She giggled. “That just sounded wrong!”

“Heh, I know.”

“Well… whatever we do, it has to be crazy.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, there’s pranks and then there’s prankage. We needs us some prankage.”

“Yes.”

They were silent for a time. Then, slowly taking their eyes off the TV as some interesting thoughts occurred to them, they exchanged looks. The maniacal laughter could be heard three blocks over.

---

Twenty minutes later, when they sensed a captain level reiatsu heading this way, they put their plan into action. Ichigo was still five or six minutes out but they anticipated a lot of anticipatory giggling. Sparty put the cap back on her marker and took a step back, inspecting her handiwork. She’d doodled on Ichigos (well, his physical body anyway) face – in washable marker. Ichigo had foolishly left his body sprawled unceremoniously on his bed. They’d contemplated playing dress up but decided that that would get awkward fast. The doodle would have the desired effect anyhow; it was really more of a diversion.

“Come on!” Kon hissed, holding the closet door open. Sparty giggled and bounced over, climbed inside. Kon slid the door shut and giggled himself into the corner.

“Man, how did Rukia stand sleeping in here? It’s so stuffy!” Sparty hugged her knees to her chest and looked around. She was about as tall as Ichigo, just barely fit into the space between boxes. Since Rukia was sleeping in Karin and Yuzus room (when she was here), Ichigo had regained the use of his closet, could actually keep stuff in here again although he always kept a space free, just in case. Kon used it most of the time but shinigami did still occasionally hide in here in a pinch. Kon found it kind of sweet that the gap in the boxes was just about the right size for Rukia.

“She’s little, it was like a cozy cave for her. And these boxes weren’t here.” Kon shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess. Dude! Heh, heh, too bad Isshin isn’t here, he’d love this.”

“Nah, Ichigo always knows when his dads up to something. He’d give us away without meaning to.”

“True.”

They were silent for thirty seconds before the giggles attacked them again. Luckily, they were able to keep themselves quiet by the time Ichigo returned. Sparty shifted into a crouch, Kon climbed up to perch on the top of her head. A few seconds later, Ichigos window slid open. He grumbled to himself as he climbed into his room. A second or so passed…

“Damnit Kon!” He hissed. Footsteps… “No, wait, this is too good for Kon.”

Kon ground his teeth together and shook a fist silently at the teenage shinigami. Granted, Sparty was an actual artist but come on! His drawings weren’t nearly as bad as Rukias! He was about to lunge off the top of Spartys head but she reached up and clamped a hand over his mouth… that is to say grabbed his head. Kon stilled his angry fidgets. He leaned over to give her an odd look when she let him go. She had her eyes half closed, was absently chewing on her bottom lip. Kon twitched his tail inquisitively and listened intently; she was waiting for his reiatsu to shift, indicating that he was back in his body.

“Well, at least she used washable ink…” Ichigo plodded out of his room. They heard the hall closet open then shut, the water in the bathroom kick on for a few seconds. Ichigo returned, muttering to himself again. Sparty tensed, Kon rose to a crouch. The entire prank hinged on this; they had to scare him the exact moment he entered his body or… well, the rest of the prank wouldn’t happen really. Sparty rose a hand, three fingers extended, then two, then one…

“RAAAHHHHHARRRGGGGGGHHH!”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” Thud-bump.

Ichigo was plastered against the wall, one hand clutching his chest, breathing hard. He was also collapsed on the floor. Kon and Sparty took this in for a moment before busting out laughing.

“What the hell? Idiots! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” He barked, pointing an accusing finger at them.

Sparty and Kon stopped laughing; all eyes were on Ichigos body. “You don’t think we really…?” Kon trailed off.

Ichigos eyes bugged out as Sparty slid across the floor and knelt next to his body, checked his pulse. “Nope! You’re still alive! I guess having the living daylights scared out of ya won’t actually kill you.”

Kon got a good chuckle in just before Ichigo grabbed him and stapled him to the wall. “OUCH! Hey!”

Sparty let out a deranged giggle and bolted out of the room, Ichigo hot on her heels. Kon listened to them thunder downstairs, took note that Ichigo hadn’t bothered to re-enter his body. Perfect. “Heehee! Phase two!”

---

Sparty ran in place for a few strides, her socks sliding across the hardwood floor in a comical manor before regaining traction and bolting into the kitchen. She felt the air around her shift ominously and Ichigo was abruptly in front of her, a murderous glint in his eyes. Sliding to a halt, she grinned. “Oh come on! It was only a joke! Hey, what’re you gonna to do with that stapler…?”

“Haven’t decided yet.” Ichigo growled, clicking it ominously.

“Isn’t it like, against your code of ethics or something to hurt girls?” Sparty started shuffling backwards.

“Normally. But you’re not exactly a girl are ya?”

“I am!” She stopped backing up, crossed her arms over her chest.

“Pttttht! You’re a female dragon pretending to be human. Not a girl.”

“I’m totally a girl!” Sparty scoffed. “I’m wearin’ a bra and everything!”

Ichigo stopped, eyes bugged out of his head. “Uh, er…”

Before he could say anything else, she’d reached behind herself, slid her hand under her shirt, unhooked her bra and pulled it off through a sleeve. “See! Well, guess I’m not wearing it anymore…”

Ichigo gaped, flushed beet red then started backpedaling, looking at the ceiling. “I did not just see that, I did not just see that…”

“Awww, does this make you nervous? It’s just underwear.” She dangled it in front of her.

“Now, now you see, girls don’t do that.” Ichigo stammered, continuing to back away.

“This one does! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ph33r t3h bra!”

Ichigo screamed and bolted out of the kitchen, Sparty hot on his heels. She stopped just in time to avoid a broken nose as he slammed his bedroom door shut. Sparty stumbled back against the wall, laughing her head off as she slid down to a sitting position. “Oh man, Yoruichi wasn’t kidding about that!”

Phase three…

---

Kon took one look at Ichigo and burst out laughing. The strawberry blonde glared at him, then bugged his eyes out as Sparty made her comment about Yoruichi. “She did that…!?” Growling, he spun around, was about to march back out there… when Spartys bra slid to the floor. It had been on his shoulder. Ichigo jumped back from it like it was a plague rat.

Half way between embarrassed and enraged, Ichigo glared daggers at the transformed dragon through the closed door, then things started clicking in his head. The blush clearing, he gave Kon a rather sly look. Kon had to keep from cackling.

The next thing the mod soul knew, he was being flung out of Ichigos door – in Ichigos body.

“Of course you know this means war.” Ichigo smirked as Sparty scrambled out of the way of an airborne Kon. Kon whipped around just in time to have Spartys bra hit him in the face. That was an unexpected bonus. “Kon, try not to behave yourself!”

The door slammed shut.

Kon and Sparty grinned at one another.

Ichigo sighed heavily and flopped on his bed. Normally he discouraged Kons perverted behavior, tried to keep the beatings to a minimum when Kon was in his body, but for now, he was quite content to deal with the bruises if it meant keeping those two out of his hair for a while. He knew leaving them alone together wasn’t a great idea but he hadn’t expected this. And Sparty wouldn’t hurt Kon (or his body) too bad anyway. Probably. Smiling to himself, he closed his eyes, intending to take a nap…

“Heehee! I can’t believe that worked!”

“Yeah, that was hilarious!”

“Kind of elaborate though…”

“Hey, you said you were bored. And proposed what we do to alleviate that boredom… plus it’s not like he left his badge here or anything.”

“Hmmm… true.”

Huh?

“Heehee! Kon! At least wait until we get down stairs.”

Ichigo furrowed his brow. What the…?

“I can’t help it, your bra’s already off…”

Ichigo snapped his eyes open. I heard that wrong, I totally heard that wrong… hit him Sparty! Knock him into next Tuesday! It’s cool, I’ll make him be me until the stitches are out!

She giggled, he chuckled, there was a faint thump against the wall at the top of the stairs.

Ichigo sat up. Nooooo…

“Kon…” He felt her reiatsu flare playfully, not unlike when he and Rukia… Ichigo snagged his badge off his nightstand and bolted for the door, yanked it open, slid into the hall. Sparty and Kon were on opposite sides of the hall, grinning evilly at him. Letting out deranged giggles, they high fived one another then dashed down stairs.

Ichigo felt his eye twitch. Again, they got him again! Ducking back in his room, he snagged a roll of duct tape from a desk drawer.

“Oh man, too bad that wouldn’t show up on film!” Sparty snorted, flopping onto the couch.

“Yeah, the look on his face…” Kon croaked, wiping the tears out of his eyes as he fell into the chair. “That was an Oscar winning look of horror.”

“Best prank EVER.”

Their laughter died as a blast of angry reiatsu effectively pinned them in place. “Oh noez! We went too far!” Sparty yelped, shaking off the effects and slowly pulling herself into a sitting position.

“Aw man!” Kon groaned, unable to move much. “He’s gonna kill us - I told you we shoulda made out for real!”

“Wrong. Wrong, wrong, WRONG! Ichigo growled, flickering into view in front of the TV.

“We didn’t really – “

“The mental image, Sparty. The mental image.” Ichigo lunged foreword and slammed his badge into Spartys chest. She popped out of her body and rolled across the floor, slammed into the wall in a tangle of scales, mane and wing membrane. “What the!?”

Kon was next but he simply bounced away, being a pill and all. Ichigo threw a dark look at the small dragon resting upside down against the wall as he strode over and scooped up Kon. Not taking his eyes off of her, he marched back, lifted her human shell by the shirt collar, grinned evilly and held Kon out.

“You wouldn’t!” Sparty barked, rolling to her feet.

The grin darkened, he popped the pill in her mouth.

Sparty gasped comically, her jaw dropping open.

Ichigo let go as Kon shook his… well, her now, head and waved a hand vaguely, found the back of the couch to half support him/herself. Blinking a few times, he/she squinted at Ichigo, looked over at Ichigos body, then half turned to look at Sparty…

“What the hell!?” He/she yelped, looking down at him/herself, grabbing his/her chest. “Oh wait… this isn’t too bad…”

“Kon…” Sparty growled warningly, as the mod soul started fondling his/herself.

“Heehee! This is so win!”

Ichigo snorted a laugh, smirking triumphantly.

“Alright, alright, I got it, you win. No more practical jokes.” Sparty sighed. “Now get Kon out of there.”

Ichigo half turned to look at the mod soul. “Sorry, can’t do that yet – and could you go somewhere else to do that, it’s weirding me out.”

“Ah huh… I’m gonna take a shower…” Kon bolted for the stairs.

“Oh no you – hey!” Sparty had lunged after him, but Ichigo had grabbed her by the end of the tail. “Dude! That’s wrong… why do you have duct tape?”

Ichigo just smiled.

“Uh oh…”

---

“Come oooon! I already said you won! Ichigoooooo! Oi! Ooooi! Quit ignoring me – don’t you shun-po… he shun-po’d.” Sparty wriggled as much as she could, feeling the duct tape give only slightly. “Well, at least I know I can get out of here eventually.” She sighed, slumping as much as she could.

She was thirty feet in the air, thoroughly duct taped to a telephone pole. The pigeons were already fluttering in, watching her curiously. They were keeping their distance for the time being but she knew it was only a matter of time before they hopped over to spend the night on what was one of their favorite perches, judging by the color of the pole just above her head.

Twitching her hands, she was satisfied with a faint gooey sensation that indicated that she’d be able to use her claws without too much difficulty. Still, it could be an hour or two before she was anywhere near free.

A pigeon settled on the pole directly overhead. Sparty cocked her head and screwed one brown eye around to glare at it. “Don’t even think about it.”

Rukia walked into a rather odd scene later that evening.

“Nee-san!” Kon squealed, greeting her with his usual glomp… only…

“Why are you in Spartys body?”

“So many reasons.” Kon sighed wistfully. He/she stepped back and smoothed down the shirt he/she was wearing, clearly enjoying touching him/herself. “I never thought getting in touch with my feminine side would be so fun! Too bad we don’t wear the same size, Nee-san! We could play dress up!”

“I’m kinda surprised you haven’t done that already…” Rukia said, glancing around him. Ichigo was sitting on the couch, casually eating his noodles, watching cartoons as if nothing was wrong.

“Well, Sparty and Ichigo wear the same size almost but that’s no fun.” He stuck his tongue out. “You know, Sparty’s kinda hot, I wish she’d wear these babydoll tees more often. Actually, these are Ichigos jeans, don’t they make my ass look awesome!? They’re way better than those ratty things she was wearing.” Kon turned around and glanced over his/her shoulder. “They’re a bit tight though, Sparty’s got hips!”

He/she giggled then bounced away.

Rukia watched Kon go, disturbed on so many levels. Before she could ask what the hell they’d been doing, Sparty lumbered down the stairs, rubbing at a spot on her chest with a wash cloth. Not surprisingly she was in soul form but Rukia couldn’t figure out why she was in dragon form – she could shift into human form if she wanted, it was certainly easier to maneuver indoors that way.

“Man, I’m going to be picking glue offa my scales for days.” She muttered. She spotted Rukia, promptly pointed a clawed finger at Kon. “Get him out of there please!”

“Not yet.” Ichigo grunted.

“Why not? You know it’s only a matter of time before he does something to completely freak you out.” She retorted, walking over and bopping him on the top of the head, wings twitching irritably. “He’s already freaked me out and I don’t even know the full extent of the damage! Besides, he’s actually having fun! This was supposed to be punishment for both of us right?”

Ichigo scowled (more than usual) and half turned. “You’re supposed to know better. And, sorry, I’m all freaked out, there’s nothing he can do to phase me now.”

“I can think of a few things. Might even be able to talk him into a couple of em.” Sparty half closed her eyes shrewdly. They glared at one another.

“Sorry Sparty, I don’t have my glove anymore.” Rukia said cautiously.

She growled and lowered her head, broke eye contact with the orange haired shinigami. Ichigo went back to his noodles and toons, Sparty looked pitifully at Rukia. “Why noooot?”

She shrugged. “Ichigo has his badge, I don’t need to convert him to soul form anymore. What the hell have you guys been doing anyway?”

“So many things.” Sparty sighed, running a hand back through her chestnut mane. “Well, I wouldn’t leave him in there long ‘cause…” A rather thoughtful look graced her features, then a grin slowly spread across her muzzle. It was a rather disturbing sight, even when meant to be friendly, now it was downright demonic.

“’Cause what?” Kon asked, padding back into the room.

“Well, I’m gonna go for a fly.” Sparty said, ambling over to Kon. She patted him/her affectionately on the cheek. “Enjoy my period.”

Ichigo choked on his soda.

Sparty spun, narrowly avoided whacking Kon with her tail and padded to the front door. “See you guys in a week or so!” She winked at Rukia, then was gone.

Kon stared. “Wait… what?”

Ichigo glanced back and forth between the front door and Kon. “Oh dear god no…”

Rukia snorted a laugh. “Oh man this is going to be hilarious.”

The color was swiftly fading from Kons face. “She didn’t mean… you mean women can tell when… and Spartys a dragon… isn’t this…?”

“She’s otherkin; human body, dragon soul. Those jeans, are they tight across the hips or across the gut?” Rukia asked, trying to remain calm.

Kon blanched. “Well, both but the hip part’s loosening up. The… um… she’s gonna be back in a few hours right?“

“No…” Ichigo shook his head slowly, eyes wide, staring at Kon with a mix of pity and horror. “No… if she stays away long enough, she wins.”

Kon gaped at him then stared down at him/herself. “No…” He fell to his/her knees, balled his/her hands into fists, shook them in the air. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

---

“… and that’s how I won.” Sparty nodded sagely then took a sip of her banana daiquiri. Everyone but she and Yumichika had sake.

Renji wiped his eyes with his sleeve, he hadn’t laughed this hard in a long time. “Oh, man that was mean! Poor Kon!”

“Poor Ichigo!” Yumi laughed lightly, plucking the umbrella out of his drink. “He has to put up with him!”

Ikkaku, Rangiku, and Hisagi sniggered.

“How do you know what happened after you left?” Rangiku asked.

“Rukia called me later. She’s keeping me posted.”

“So it’s been, what, three days? How’s Kon doing?” Renji asked.

“Whiney as hell. Ichigo’s passed out twice due to ‘unwanted graphic details’.”

The guys laughed a bit nervously, Rangiku fell out of her chair.

Meanwhile…

Rukia bolted to the staircase as she heard Kons comment and the subsequent series of thuds; the sound of a body falling down the stairs. She slid to a stop, somewhat relieved to see Ichigo sprawled grumpily at the bottom of the stairs. She knelt by his head. “Why did you ask?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. “How much longer…?”

“Probably two more days.”

“Sparty is coming back right?”

“Yes, she’s coming back.”

“I dunno if I should kill her or kiss her when she shows up.”

Rukia chuckled and kissed him on the forehead. “I’ll get the ice pack.”

The End.

---

A/N: Yeah, this was just a fun bit of crack that popped into my head. I have this strange urge to annoy the crap outta Ichigo. It usually ends up backfiring but it’s hella fun!

Edit: THERE's the horizontal line tool... doi! XD Should help. Also clarified something a bit. :P