“The One With the Jinx”
by R. John Burke

DISCLAIMER: Friends and all characters belong to Warner Brothers and Bright/Kauffman/Crane productions. This is non-profit fan fiction; no money is involved and no infringement is intended.

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ACT THREE

They all ordered pretty light, except for Joey, who was feeling homesick and placed an order for “Everything on the menu that comes from New York.” After eating it all in a rather remarkable display, he was just feeling... regular sick.

“So, Chandler, how are -you- feeling?” Phoebe asked when the meal was over.

“Fine... why?”

“Nothing, no-- yeah, that's good! That's excellent!” said Phoebe, and she winked at Mike.

“Ohhhh...” Joey groaned. “I dunno what went wrong...”

Ross suggested, “Maybe you should have eaten the pizza, -then- the ice cream, instead of alternating?”

“Aw, man! But then you don't get the cheese and the chocolate sauce in the same bite!"

Monica said, “Okay, you know what? We have a long ride back to the suburbs, a babysitter waiting, and... apparently, very little chance of getting there without catastrophic damage to the upholstery. We need to go.”

That got her another round of hugs and a teary “Aww! I miss you guys!” from Rachel, but eventually Monica, Chandler, and Joey separated themselves from the group. On the way out, Chandler said:

“So... if he makes an even bigger mess in the car... is there any chance I'm off the hook?”

Monica frowned. “I'm already not sleeping with -him-.”

“I been meanin' to talk to you about that...” said Joey.

“Look, I will build you new walls!” said Chandler, and they left on that note.

Rachel decided to visit the restroom to fix her makeup. Phoebe started to rise with her.

“Pheebs, you don't have to go!” said Ross quickly.

“That's right! I do not!” said Phoebe, and she sat back down.

Rachel frowned at them both. “Well... if you're sure...”

“I said I do not! STOP HARASSING ME!”

“Okaaay...” said Rachel. She walked away.

When she was gone, Phoebe turned to Ross: “Can we make this quick, because I kinda do have to...”

“Oh! Yeah, of course, I just needed to talk to you. In fact, I feel silly just asking this, but... you -did- take that curse off, right?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” said Phoebe. “Why-- oh, no, did you get the boils?”

“No! Ew! No!” Ross cringed. “No, I just... I tried to ask Rachel again today. I -really- wanted to do it now, you know, while everybody's here to celebrate... but the craziest things keep happening. I'm beginning to think she right, we're...”

He trailed off, looked away, unable to even say it. Phoebe's eyes went wide.

“Jinxed! You're jinxed! Ross believes in a jinx! Oh, how great is THIS?”

“It's not great at ALL!”

Phoebe frowned. “Oh, well, no, for you, sure, it sucks. But for me-- you know, it's like a validation of my lifestyle. You don't mind if I spread this all over the Internet, do you?”

“What-- no!” Ross looked all around them. “You talk to people on the Internet about me and Rachel?”

“Just a few chatrooms.” Phoebe shrugged. “CoolDude64 in Jacksonville is -really- rooting for you guys. By the way, if you get any mail from him, you might not want to open it.”

“Phoebe!” Ross exclaimed. “Look, I don't know, all right? I don't know how to explain it anymore! This thing has got me spinning in circles!”

“Oh, that won't break a jinx,” Phoebe said. “Unless maybe you spin with a chicken. Ooh! You could borrow Joey's!”

Mike cleared his throat. “Wait, now. Come on, Ross. You're a scientist. Let's look at this logically...”

Phoebe snorted. “Yeah, sure, -that'll- work.”

“Do you always propose in that same place?”

Ross frowned. “The last few times. I did try other places, though-- like one time we spent a weekend on the Jersey shore, and I tried to propose while we were walking along the beach... and I kind of stepped on a stingray. That one might've been a coincidence.”

“Okay, you clearly know nothing about the animal kingdom,” said Phoebe, still miffed.

“Then a couple of times I thought, you know, let's just do it at Central Perk. I figured that was kind of 'our place'... but the same kind of thing was happening there.”

Mike frowned. “Alright... so what do the two places have in common?”

“Wait, which restaurant is this?” said Phoebe.

“It's that Italian place in the village... Antonio's.”

“Ooh, yes! I know that place! I heard about it from the maitre d's cousin! I love their scampi!”

“I... used to,” said Ross. “Who's the maitre d's cousin?”

Phoebe opened her mouth, closed it again, then jumped out of her chair. “Whoa, okay, I have to go to the bathroom like RIGHT now!”

“Um, okay, Pheebs... I'll just hang out with Mike 'till...”

“No, Mike has to go, too!” Phoebe tugged at her husband's sleeve. “C'mon, honey, let's go together! It'll be like a togetherness thing!”

“Won't I look a little out of place in the ladies' room?”

“You are absolutely right!” said Phoebe. “Ooh, I know! Let's find someplace we can both use!”

“But--”

“Come ON! You never want to do anything I think is fun!”

“But-- well-- ow,” said Mike. He put up a hand to massage his throbbing temples as they left the restaurant.

A moment later, Rachel came back. “Hey, what happened to Phoebe and Mike?”

“I'm not sure.” Ross shrugged. “They're either looking for a unisex bathroom... or sticking us with the check.”

-----

A little distance away in Greenwich Village, a man with a close-cropped, bleached haircut was wiping out a mug in the coffee house he'd recently bought from its owner. He'd just locked the doors behind the last customer of the night, and he was looking forward to a quiet evening when--

“GUNTHER!”

He looked up to find one of his best customers, Phoebe Buffay, and her husband Mike... something... charging toward the counter.

“How did you get in here? This isn't a robbery, is it?”

Phoebe scoffed. “Please, like this place would be worth my time. You've been doing it, haven't you? You and your cousin at Antonio's have been jinxing Ross!”

“I don't know what you're--”

Phoebe jabbed a finger at him. “Don't toy with me, little man! Your powers are WEAK compared to mine!”

Gunther took a step back. “I-- but-- um--”

“-So- glad I got of bed this morning,” Mike said, to nobody in particular.

“All right-- yes-- it's true. But--”

“Why? That's-- that's awful! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? It's wrong, I tell you, WRONG!” Phoebe took a deep breath. “Okay, it's possible I've had too much caffeine here over the years.”

“Awful?” said Gunther. “You know what's awful? I -finally- confess my feelings to Rachel on the grounds that she's -leaving- and then she stays to be with -him-! I... I lost my head!”

“Okay,” said Phoebe, calmer now. “Okay, fine. No harm done. I too enjoy, you know, the messing with his mind. But now it's really got to stop.”

“Why?” he challenged her.

“Why? Um-- okay-- yeah. Because--” Phoebe said the first thing that came to mind: “Because -I- love you!”

“What?” said Gunther.

“What?!” said Mike.

Now Phoebe kinda wished the first thing hadn't been -that-, but she forged ahead: “No, yeah, it's true. All these years, I've been sitting there, watching you... the way you pour that coffee, you know, and... well, I love you. Yeah. I do.”

Mike pulled up a chair and sat down heavily. “You don't happen to sell booze here, do you? Like really strong booze?”

Gunther said, “Wow... Phoebe, I...”

“Yes! Yes, I know! If only I'd said something years ago, it could have been different! But now, you know, I'm married, and it would be wrong to let this come between me and my husband. Just like it would be wrong for you to let your feelings for Rachel come between her and Ross. Come on, you know that, right?”

Gunther hung his head. “But... oh... you're right.”

“Yes! Yes, I am right! I'm sorry, Gunther. We just-- we both have to be strong. You stay away from Rachel, and I'll... I'll stay away from the coffee house. Forever. Yes, because that's the way it's got to be. Doesn't it, Gunther? Say you'll do that one last favor... for me.”

He sighed. “You're right. I'm sorry, Phoebe. I won't interfere.”

“That's good.” Phoebe took his hand. “Because if love didn't work, you know, I was gonna have to hit you with the boils.”

“Okay.” They shared a long, tearful hug, and then Gunther turned away. “You know, I always suspected there was something there. Was it my rugged good looks?”

“Uh-huh, okay. 'Bye now.”

Phoebe took Mike's arm and, with a last look at the place where she liked to play guitar, left Central Perk behind. When they were back out on the street, he leaned down and kissed her.

“What was that for?”

“You. You're sweet. Giving up the coffee house like that for Ross and Rachel. I know how much that place means to you.”

“Well, you know...” Phoebe shrugged. “I've been thinking it was too small a venue for my talent anyway.”

Mike laughed. “So... I found out a lot about my wife today. She speaks German, she picks locks with frightening efficiency... and then there's the whole boil thing, which... yeah. Anything else I need to know”
“Okay, that is -so- the tip of the iceberg,” said Phoebe, and she rested her head on his shoulder as they walked home.

-----

Back at the restaurant, Ross Geller and Rachel Greene sat at their table, alone and slightly dejected. Ross sighed heavily.

“I'll bet she went to remove the jinx.”

“What?” said Rachel.

“The, um...” Ross blushed. “Okay, it's silly, but... I told her how much I wanted to propose to you, and how it kept going wrong, and you know Phoebe. I'll bet she thinks she can fix it by, like, cleansing our aura or something.”

“Good luck,” said Rachel. She sighed, too. Then she looked up. “Hey, Ross?”

He chomped down on a breadstick. “What?”

“Maybe I'm crazy here, but think about this: If we know you want to propose to me, and we know I want to accept-- 'want' might be too mild a word really, more like 'at the end of my rope WAITING for'...”

“Yeah, okay,” said Ross. “I get it. So what?”

“So... aren't we kinda engaged already?”

“No!” said Ross. “No, because that's not the way I want this to happen! Rach, I have already blown three marriages, okay? This time, it's got to be perfect--”

“Yeah, well, it's never going to be -perfect-, Ross! Okay? There is no perfect! You're always going to be kind of this anal, neurotic geek--”

“Well, -now- the moment feels right,” Ross said.

“-- Let me finish, okay! You're going to have your stuff and I'm going to have my stuff and we'll probably never get that whole 'break' thing settled... but you know what? I think that's okay. Ross, our whole relationship we've been waiting for this perfect situation that might never come... and meanwhile, we love each other and we want to be together. Isn't that all that matters?”

“Well... well, yeah,” said Ross. “But I'd still feel better if we could just technically, officially--”

At that point, Rachel snapped. “Ross, dammit, do you want to marry me or not?”

“...Yeah, okay.”

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Okay,” said Rachel, “then I guess we're getting married.”

“I guess so.”

“Okay, good. That's good. Now GIMME THE RING!”

She made a grab for it. Ross dodged, but caught her hand and reached out to put it on her finger.

He stopped. “But for the record, about that break thing...”

“Ross, either kiss me or shove another breadstick in your mouth, but either way, shut up right now.”

“Yeah, good thought,” said Ross. He put the ring on and kissed her.

-----

“...okay, next up: Joey Tribbiani. You can just start anyplace.”

Joey stepped out onto the stage and grinned at the casting director. “Okay, uh, I'm gonna need a little help for this reading. I'm gonna show you what I think is the essence of David Copperfield.”

“...okay,” said the director, a little confused.

He was doubly so when Chandler stepped out after Joey, dressed like the Statue of Liberty and carrying a torch. At the back of the theater, Monica laughed and clapped her hands.

“...what the hell?” said the casting director.

“We couldn't talk him out of this,” said Chandler. “And... this is what it took to get my wife to forget our walls.” He waved with his torch. “Hi, honey.”

“...yeah, okay. I think we've seen enough.”

“What?!” said Joey. “I didn't even get to make him disappear!”

“Please,” said the casting director, “feel free to do so now.”

“But... yeah, okay.”

As Joey trudged off the stage, Chandler threw an arm around him. “C'mon, big guy. We'll get you the Joey special.”

“Two pizzas?”

“They can even be pizza sandwiches.”

“Aw, it's the Joey Super-Special!” He stopped in the middle of the stage, tossed up his hands, and cried: “I'm home!!!”

NOT THE END...