On Heartache and Pain

(Musings of Kyo Sohma)

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Kyo-centric. Yuki and Kyo are together. Yuki breaks things up. Kyo tries to kill himself. The world goes on and time flies towards graduation. Kyo’s thoughts as his world is shattered and reformed, the curse breaks and he is set free. Yuki/Kyo, Momiji/Kyo Tohru/Kyo

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A/N: okay, well this is my attempt at a FURUBA fiction. Its sort of AU-ish and Anime based... Its mostly just little scenes and conversations, it might seem kind of dream like, it’s all Kyo’s POV. I love Kyo’s character very much. This might be a bit OOC but I do love the drama these Sohmas can generate. Happy Reading and please do review! Thanks.

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OOO

“I don’t love you…I never said I did…”

I never thought it was possible to hurt more than I did when I realized that my mother died and that she killed herself because of me. But when Yuki said those words, it felt a million times more painful.

I guess it’s because, I really should have known better.

If my mother couldn’t love me, truly love me…then how can Yuki?

He’s the Rat. He was born to hate me.

I’m the Cat after all.

I was born to be hated.

OOO

Akito is going to be all I have.

Until the day he dies.

And then…I won’t have anyone.

I can hear Tohru calling my name, but it seems so far away I can barely understand her except that somehow, I know that its her hand holding mine and that the gentle raindrops falling on my face are her tears.

Poor Tohru, I’ve gone and made you cry again haven’t I?

I’m sorry.

I love you Tohru, so much.

“Kyo-kun…please…please Kyo-kun…”

What is it Tohru?

“Please Kyo-kun…”

I’ll give you anything.

“Please…”

Just so you’d be happy…

“Kyo-kun…”

Just so you’d stop crying…

“Please…Kyo-kun…”

Anything…

“Please don’t die…”

Except that.

OOO

They brought me back, somehow.

I always knew Hatori was a good doctor.

You could tell he wasn’t a mediocre practitioner just by the look of him.

He’s the one who has been keeping Akito alive this long.

He brought me back from my freedom and I hate him.

I hate you Hatori.

“That was really close Kyo.”

Yeah…I could feel it…

“We almost lost you.”

Freedom…

“You almost died.’

Yes, and for a moment there, I had felt…

“You were lucky.”

So blessedly free.

OOO

Momiji cried when he found out I almost died.

I heard Hatori tell Shigure about it when the Dog visited me in my room.

I pretended to be asleep. I didn’t want to talk to Shigure or anyone for that matter.

The next time I came to, it was morning and Momiji was there holding my hand.

He was crying.

If I weren’t so weak, I would’ve hit him for being stupid.

Why should he cry for me?

Don’t waste your precious tears Momiji.

Tears you so rarely shed.

Even for yourself.

OOO

Yuki didn’t come to visit me.

It’s fine.

It’s not like I did this for or because of him.

This has been niggling at the back of my mind for a long time now and I suppose that it was really only a matter of time before I snapped.

Destruction doesn’t come when something cracks.

You have to put pressure until it completely breaks.

I’ve been cracked for a long time…

And then…

I broke.

It’s as simple as that.

OOO

Akito was very angry when he visited me.

Prior to his arrival, Hatori had told me not to do or say anything.

He said that Akito might hurt me if I did and at my current state, I might not be able to survive.

That’s pretty funny.

The reason I’m here in the first place was because I wanted to put an end to my continued survival.

I wanted, still want, to die.

Stupid Hatori, how could you forget that?

“For Honda-san’s sake,” he said.

Damn.

That got me.

Akito’s eyes glinted as he looked down furiously at me.

“Stupid Cat, did you honestly think you could escape me?” he growled.

I want so badly to smile, to provoke him.

But Tohru’s face kept my mouth shut and my body immobile.

Sometimes I hated her…because she forces me to go on…

Even though, I don’t really want to anymore.

Please don’t die…

Okay Tohru…

For you…I’ll do it.

OOO

Shigure came to pick me up. He smiled and chatted but I didn’t have the energy to say or do anything except stare at him blankly. Amazingly, this seemed to disconcert him and it managed to silence him for a while. Ah, if only I had stumbled upon this secret long ago, I could have saved myself a lot of irritation.

The ride home in Hatori’s car was silent except for Shigure – who had managed to recover his tongue – and who kept on telling me about how much Tohru had worried and how his own poor old heart had ached at the thought of me so lonely in the hospital. No mention of Yuki, but it was fine. I didn’t want to think about him yet.

It hurt.

I don’t like hurting.

OOO

Tohru welcomed me back with a big smile. There was a feast ready on the dining table, waiting for me. The absolute absence of leeks and every other foodstuff I had an aversion to – however slight – was very noticeable. If I had been born normal, I would have given her a hug and kissed her. I didn’t of course. I just smiled at her slightly and thanked her before taking the seat beside her. Yuki was seated across from Tohru and Shigure took his place beside Yuki.

Yuki…

He was silent, and he looked so damn beautiful my hand ached to feel his smooth skin against my calloused palm. I wanted to make him smile at me.

He doesn’t look at me though. I know him enough to see past the indifference and the cold aloofness. He’s angry, furious at me. Does he think that all this is because of him? Does he hate me for being so weak?

I could never be as strong as Yuki and maybe that was part of the problem.

I could live my whole life trying…

But I’ll never really be able to measure up.

I looked down at the food laid out before me. If only, I wasn’t the cat. If only I wasn’t a Sohma. I love Tohru and I could be in love with her if I gave myself the chance. Maybe if I were a normal boy, I could court her and try to win her. We could have a family and have many nights like this.

I wouldn’t have to constantly think about how much time I have left before my world comes to an end.

I wouldn’t have Yuki as my cousin.

I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him.

How pathetic of me.

OOO

“Are you okay Kyo?”

She asks me this a lot. Maybe I should try to be a little livelier, but the effort it simply too much and I can’t be bothered. Why fight when the end result will be the same? There’s no reason to pick fights with Yuki and try to beat him. Either way, I’m still going to be locked up.

I take Tohru’s hand in mine. Hers is calloused, a little less so than my rough hands, but you could tell that she is used to working. Her fingers are cold, it snowing outside. I warm them with my hands and bring them up to my lips to kiss each fingertip.

She gasps in surprise. “K-Kyo-kun…?”

She’s blushing.

I lean over to kiss her softly on the cheek. “I love you,” I tell her. This is the last year we’ll be able to spend together. There isn’t any room for doubts or fears or insecurities. I don’t want to regret not ever telling her how I feel.

“Kyo-kun…?”

I smile at her and brush away a few strands of her long brown hair away from her face. I wonder what kind of man she will marry one day. Her children will be lovely. The world needs more people like her.

“Tohru, remember me okay?”

“Huh?”

“Remember me, even when we’re not together anymore. Even when we’re both living in different houses and you’re off studying while I’m…” locked up in the main house like all the other cats before me… “…doing my own stuff…don’t forget, okay?”

Her eyebrows furrow and she bites her lip. I can practically see the little wheels in her head turning. It’s not like her to be suspicious but I recognize the suspicion in her eyes. “Kyo-kun is…Kyo-kun isn’t planning to hurt himself again, is he?”

Her eyes are sparkling with tears and her hands tremble as she fists them over her lap. How horrible it must have been for her when she found out about what I did. I knew how paranoid Tohru was and how she took on the world’s problems as her own fault.

I should have thought of that, of her, before I let the razor sing sweetly against my skin.

I kiss her, on the lips.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt someone’s lips against mine.

I’m very careful that our bodies don’t touch.

It’s a chaste kiss; sweet and innocent and comforting.

I feel her hand press against my cheek. Her cheeks are wet when I touch them. She’s crying again and her head falls against my chest and she whispers my name over and over again in broken sobs.

I press against her, my arms going around her. For a split-second in time, I hold her in my arms before the curse takes effect and I transform. She takes my cat form in her arms and holds me close, sobbing against my orange fur.

I nuzzle her neck, the only place I can reach with the way she’s holding me right now. “Don’t cry Tohru, I’m sorry I made you sad.”

“It’s not you…” she whispers.

I don’t really understand why she’s crying, but I let her.

It felt really nice to be held again.

“I wish for things to be better for you…” she told me.

So do I Tohru.

…so do I…

OOO

Yuki doesn’t really speak to me anymore.

And I don’t taunt or challenge him anymore so there’s no reason for him to really acknowledge my presence.

Honda-san is worried, I could tell.

Shigure looks at me with sad eyes but I can’t really bring myself to feel sorry for him. He knows what’s coming and he doesn’t do anything except stare at me with eyes asking for forgiveness.

Momiji comes to visit me a lot and he spends most of his time with me now instead of Haru. I think Haru is trying to win Yuki, I’m not really sure. He and Rin fought. Shigure’s involved somehow, Momiji told me, but we can’t figure out exactly how.

Time is flying past at an accelerated rate.

I am barely going to classes anymore…but I keep passing my tests because Honda-san keeps dragging me to study groups with her and her friends every time there is an exam. Hanajima held my hand in one of those sessions and she told me she wished the very best for me.

I didn’t understand, but it made my heart clench.

Even Uo asked me what was wrong.

These people, without having a reason to, have grown to care for me.

They’re not related to me by blood and yet, I have found an odd sort of kinship and acceptance with them. Yuki is so far from me now; my whole world lay with him. I don’t have a future anymore, but this present, I am determined to make it as beautiful as possible.

OOO

“Graduation’s coming up. There’s a party at Makino’s house, do you want to come with us?”

“Oh yeah and then after, we can go to Shinohara’s!”

Everyone was having such a good time, planning their graduation parties and the presents they wanted to receive. I didn’t try out for a university, because what would be the point in that? If I do get in, it would just hurt me more to know, that I could have gone on, to have a proper life for myself…if only I hadn’t been born a Sohma.

“Kyo, are you listening? You have to go with us!”

“Yeah Kyo, come with us.”

How strange for them to all smile at me in welcome. I nodded and said that I would join them. My heart felt so unbelievably full. Outside, there is still warmth and love. And even if I spend my whole life inside of the cage Akito has prepared for me…

I will always have this memory…

OOO

Yuki kissed me.

Again…

I let him.

“I’m going away…I passed the exam to Tokyo University. I got an apartment…”

“I’m happy for you,” is what I tell him. So far away, he’s going to be out of my reach forever. England, India, Japan, it doesn’t matter. These hands, after graduation, won’t be able to reach out to him anymore.

“Yuki…”

“Why did you try to kill yourself Kyo?”

I smile.

He asks only now?

After all these months, there isn’t enough time for me to explain.

So much to regret…

I want to be held by him, even if just once more…before everything comes to an end.

“Please Yuki…” I say as I reach out to touch his face and bring him closer. “Please, just this once. One last time…”

“Kyo, I can’t…I’m seeing Miss Kuragi…”

My hands fall to my sides and I stare at him. “T-that freshman…in the student council…?”

Yuki nods.

“Does she know about the curse? How can you be with her if…?”

“Kureno broke the curse and I’m trying my best to break it too. I’ll do anything for Machi, we’ll make it work somehow…”

“I see.” I smile at him. “I’m very happy for you.” I lie.

Why?

Just one last time…

Why couldn’t you have held me…?

OOO

I’m different, that’s what everyone has kept on telling me.

I’m tired of fighting my fate.

It’s better to just let it all happen and enjoy what I have now.

That way, there won’t be any regrets…

In the end…

All I’ll have…

Are pleasant memories…

OOO

Hatori came to pick me up.

Akito was with him in the car. I was surprised when I saw him.

“Yuki has left.”

I don’t say anything. Does he know? About Yuki and me, about what we had shared…

Akito sighs. “I’m dying. I can feel it you know, and oddly enough it brings me clarity.” He coughs and it’s a harsh sound, like his body was trying to expel his lungs.

My hands automatically go around his shoulders to steady him. I flinch when he stiffens in my hold. How could I have been so stupid? He views me as a monster, who would want a monster to hold you? I try to pull away but he holds on to me. It’s my turn to stiffen in surprise.

“Before I die, I want to at least do one thing right…”

OOO

Akito set me free.

I chose to stay and serve him for the remainder of his life. I don’t know if it was the wisest decision, some days he throws things at me and calls me an evil beast, but on his clear days when he is as sane as he could be, he talks to me and I always stay because those days have become precious to me.

It gave reason for my suffering…and it made me feel like I was needed.

Shigure cried when Akito died.

Hatori had tears in his eyes.

I closed my eyes in sorrow because none of the others felt affected by Akito’s passing. They never got to know the real person beneath the curse. What Akito could have been, had he not been born the head of the Sohma clan.

He stated in his will that I was not to be caged. I was to remain free as were the other cats after me.

Tohru cried and threw her arms around me.

I didn’t change into a cat.

Akito’s actions, my tears, our reconciliation proved to be the undoing of the curse.

We were all free.

And I still wasn’t all that happy.

OOO

A/N: Yay! It’s finished. I hoped you enjoyed it and please don’t forget to review! I kind of like it as it is, but if you think it deserves a continuation, please let me know and I’ll see what I can do. I am kind of already toying with an idea but I’m not sure I can write FURUBA properly yet. If you think this deserves to be continued and the Momiji/Kyo thing and the Yuki/Kyo thing needs to be explored, then please say so.