A Steaming Pile of Crap

By Archangel

A/N: This is a spoof of my own story, “If I Die Tomorrow.” It is written horribly on purpose, as a demonstration of what “God Awful” writing really is. I don’t intend to insult anyone who’s last name is Hardy, Helms, or Copeland. HurriKaty/GibblyWibbly? If you’re reading this, I have but one thing to say: Fuck you.

Matt Hardy happily bounced down the hallways of the arena where the latest RAW was being held, oblivious to the fact that being fired also meant he wasn’t allowed at the shows. As he rounded a corner he came face to face with none other than drop dead sexy gorgeous flowing haired shiny fake teethed Canadian dream boy Edge! Who despite the fact that he’s nothing more than a cheating lying whore bag who deserves to be hit by a bus, still has not only fan base, but gets pushed by the company! Matt gasped at the sight of the golden haired beauty, momentarily forgetting for one, Adam is a whore, and two, he hates Adam. Edge looks down at him, tears his sunglasses off his face and grabs him by the shoulders.

“MATTY!! Just the person I’ve been looking for!” he exclaimed.

“Huh?” Matt questioned in the perfect hillbilly dumbass manner that everyone expects of him due to lovely stereotypes upheld by a country of mass ignorance.

“Oh Matty!” Edge said with such heartfelt warmth. “I’ve missed you so much since I fucked your girlfriend of six years that you were going to propose to before you found out she was a walking STD!”

“By the way, how’re the crabs?” Matt asked.

“Clearing up a little. The gonorrhea is still making pus come out of my dick, but I convince the millions of ring rats I whore out to that it’s just pre-cum.”

“Oh… Okay.” Matt arches a brow at him. “You were saying?”

“Um… what was I saying? Damn this blond hair and all the steroids I agreed to take over the years!” Matt waits while Adam takes time to think. About an hour into the show, which by now means that Edge completely missed his match and magically the ratings have shot through the roof, Edge remembers what he was talking about. “Oh yeah! Matty, I just need to tell you that I’m so sorry for being such a fucking whore and ruining your entire life! Can you ever forgive me?!”

Matt’s eyes welled up with tears, squealing like a girl and jumping into Adam’s arms. “OH ADDY!! OF COURSE!!”

“Oh thank God Matty! I would’ve had to blow my own perfectly groomed head off if you said no! But the only problem now is that everyone’s going to find out and I’ll lose my heel heat!”

“But ADDY!” Matt laughed. “You already were a heel before any of this happened! Remember? Everyone HATES you!!”

Adam laughed. “Oh yeah that’s right! Why was that again?”

“Cuz you’re no talent dumb fuck who only got where he is today by hitching a ride on Christian’s charisma and sucking the cock of every champ and bread winner in the company, DUH!” Matt gently reminded him.

“Oh yeah that’s right!” Adam paused to reflect. “Mmm… Benoit’s cock… Sweet Canadian bacon.” After about eighty minutes of Adam thinking about how many times he’s hit his back and/or knees in order to earn TV time he looked back at Matt in his arms. “Oh, you’re still here?”

“Huh?” Matt asked again, watching a fan girl chasing the Hurricane around in circles. “Oh hold on a second.”

Matt then jumped out of Adam’s arms and walked over to the two, stopping the ugly four eyed freckle faced pencil geek excuse of a girl on crack in her tracks by putting a gun to her forehead and blowing her brains all over the wall behind her. The Hurricane was so relieved that he dropped to his knees and sucked Matt’s cock right there in front of everyone. Once that was done he got up, wiping his lips.

“Thank you so much MATTY!! I hate it when hideously ugly fan girls try to jump on my cock and shove their tongues down my throat and tell me to shit on their chests! It’s horrible!”

“There, there, it’s okay !! I’d do anything for my fellow… MAN.” Matt cast him a knowing wink.

“Oooo baby so when’s the next OMEGA Slut Boy Fuck Fest Party? Your house or Jeffykins?!”

“Oh now ! You know I can’t invite you anymore! You work for the WWE still!” He sets his gun to Shane’s forehead and kills him as well. With all of that taken care of he goes back to Adam, who’s taken a chair to watch the fun, and slides into his lap. “You were saying about missing me?”

“Oh yeah Matty! I miss you soooooooo much it just breaks my cold blackened dead heart. I always loved watching you and Amy bang like rabid cats in the locker room showers! Now with you gone all’s left to do is bang her myself and that’s no fun at all! She’s such a horrible lover! Matty why did you ever want to be with her?!”

“Because I had to date someone in order to cover up my torrid incestuous love affair with my own dearest pot smoking couldn’t keep a job if his life depended on it baby brother.” Matt strokes his cheek. “But oh dear Addy! If you really wanted pussy that badly you know you could’ve just come to me!”

Adam blinks in confusion. “To you? But Matty you don’t have a…” he trails off as Matt blushes and bats his eyes at him. “Matty? Are you really a woman?!”

“Yes, it’s true!” Matty exclaimed. “I was hiding it from everyone! I never had a knee injury, Addy, I had a sex change! FOR YOU ADDY!! I LOVE YOU!”

“OH MATTY!!”

And with that the two of them fell to the floor in a heap of nasty monkey sex.

Epilogue: Adam’s gonorrhea finally killed him. Lita was killed in a mysterious accident involving a giant dildo named Thor which was three feet long and eight inches around. Matt went back to the doctors and was changed back into a male so he could go back to a normal life, in which he married a beautiful girl who never betrayed him and had two equally beautiful children and they lived happily ever after, after Matt bought the WWE right out from under Vince’s nose and ran it into the ground just to spite him. Shane stayed dead. The fan girl also stayed dead and her corpse was devoured by rats, who also ended up dying from ingesting too much crack found in the bitch’s system. Jeff eventually got over his love for his own brother, stopped doing drugs, actually got a damn clue, and went on to become the TNA Champion… after buying out the company and becoming the next Triple H/Jeff Jarrett. Triple H and Jeff Jarrett live miserable lives as Jeff’s personal lap dogs. And Raven got a brand new skirt!

Raven: squeals! Yay! I feel like a school girl! Tee hee!

The End Thank God!

Legalities: Raven and Christian Cage are copyright to TNA Wrestling. Chris Jericho is copyright to himself. Edge, Matt Hardy, and any other mentioned characters are copyright to World Wrestling Entertainment. I claim no knowledge of their personal lives or sexuality. I gained no profit from this story. This work is entirely fiction.