Disclaimer: Unfortunately, no mimes were harmed during the making of this fic.

The Accidental Instructor

The newly formed team seven was sitting in a classroom waiting for their absent Jonin instructor.

“Our stupid instructor hasn't gotten here yet,” Sakura groused.

"I'll go find him," Naruto volunteered.

"Naruto you . . ." 'Quiet you fool!' inner Sakura thought to herself, if he leaves then we'll be all alone with Sasuke. "Genius."

"What?" Naruto asked dumbly.

“What?” Sasuke echoed.

"Never mind. Now go out and start looking," Sakura hustled him towards the door.

"Do you remember his name?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Don't be so sexist, there are female Jonin too! Just grab the first Jonin you find walking around the school," Sakura advised, "all the other teams have their instructors already so ours will be the only one left."

“Right,” Naruto agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Anko walked into the Hokage's office and bowed.

“You called for me, Hokage?” Anko asked respectfully.

“I have a new mission for you,” the Hokage replied, “go to the Academy and . . .”

"Hokage," one of his aides rushed in, "the new issue is out in stores."

“And I'm sure you'll figure it out,” Sarutobi called over his shoulder as he rushed out.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto wandered the halls in search of their team's new commander. He'd find whoever it was, bring them back, and then Sakura would reward him with a date. It was a flawless plan that had no chance of failing. He was a genius after all, Sakura had said so.

"There you are," Naruto shouted, "you're late!"

“What're you talking about, brat?” Anko growled.

“We've been waiting for you for hours,” Naruto shouted, “what kind of Jonin instructor are you?”

“What're you talking about you stupid brat,” Anko shouted back, “I'm not . . . oh, I guess that's what the old man was talking about. Lead the way, brat.” She was more then a bit flattered by the amount of trust the Hokage was placing in her, only the best and most loyal Jonin were chosen to be instructors. She vowed that she wouldn't let the old man down.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi lazily wandered into the academy a few minutes later on his way to meet his new team. It was always nice to be chosen as a Jonin instructor, he thought to himself, just like having a couple paid days off . All he had to do was show up for a few minutes on the first day and an hour on the second, not to mention how enjoyable it was to crush a group of brats that didn't understand the meaning of teamwork.

“You must be the person the Hokage sent over to demonstrate summons,” the Chunin instructor said with a grin, “right on time.”

“Actually I'm . . .”

“No time to chat,” the harried man interrupted, “can't leave a class full of eight year olds alone for too long.”

“Er . . .”

The Chunin grabbed Kakashi by the arm and dragged him into a classroom filled with screaming brats.

“BE QUIET,” the Chunin screamed. He ducked to avoid a thrown kunai, it was a ninja academy after all. “This is Mister . . . er, what was your name?”

“Kakashi, but . . .”

“Kakashi,” the Chunin said loudly, “he's going to be teaching you about summoning.”

“I think there's been a mistake,” Kakashi tried to interject.

"You can handle this yourself right?" the man asked as he stepped out the door, not bothering to pay attention to the Jonin's attempt to escape, it hadn't worked for him on his first day so why should he let Kakashi off that easy? "Thanks for covering for me."

“Wait, I . . .” Kakashi shuddered at the amount of 'mischief intent' the students were letting off. When the Hokage had told him that he had been chosen as an instructor, he'd been sure the old man just been giving him another team to fail. He'd never expected this, maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to fail all those Gennin after all?

IIIIIIIIII

Anko followed Naruto into the empty classroom and was more then a bit amused at how much killing intent her other two students were emitting. It was so cute the way they were trying to look dangerous.

"Sorry I'm late," she said cheerfully. Wouldn't do to scare the little brats right off and lose her new team. "Just found out I was going to be your teacher a few minutes ago. Now then, why don't you introduce yourselves?"

“Could you go first?” Sakura asked sweetly. “To show us how it's done.”

"Sure thing, Pinky," Anko agreed. "My name is Anko, I like dango, my dream is to kill a certain man. Now you."

“My name is Sakura, I like . . .” she blushed. “My dream is to be a good kunoichi, uh . . . like you Anko sensei.”

"Nice sucking up," Anko complimented the girl with a big smile that Sakura returned shyly, "blonde."

“My name is Naruto, I like Ramen, and I'm gonna be Hokage someday,” he finished loudly.

"I'd pick another dream if I were you kid," Anko advised.

"You don't think I can do it?" Naruto asked sadly.

“Nah, it's just that being Hokage really sucks. You gotta wake up early every day to do paperwork, you spend all day doing paperwork and listening to people complain, and you don't get done with the days work until late. Not to mention the fact that you get little or no sleep.”

"Oh." Naruto blinked stunned and wondered why the old man had never told him about this before, but he did see a whole lot of paperwork around the Hokage every time he visited. Hmmm.

“Much better to be a super elite ninja like one of the sannin. You get all the power and respect of a Hokage without all the boring parts,” Anko finished happily. Her first day on the job and she was already dispensing valuable career advice.

“Then I'll be the greatest elite super ninja ever,” Naruto cheered, “and I'll never have to do any boring paperwork.”

"That's the spirit," Anko agreed, "unfortunately we all have to fill out some paperwork, but I'll show you how to pass it off to subordinates through the use of delegated authority."

Naruto puzzled through the unfamiliar words and then paled. "I just volunteered to do all the paperwork for the team, didn't I?" he asked recalling Iruka tricking him similarly earlier in the year.

Anko smirked. "Yep, but the amount of paperwork a team generates can be finished in less than an hour a day and I'll you show you some shortcuts on that too. Now you, broody."

“My name is Sasuke, I don't like anything, and my dream . . . nay my ambition is to kill a certain man.”

“No it isn't,” Anko said flatly, “that's my dream. What's yours?”

“To kill my brother and . . .”

“Still too close to my dream,” Anko interrupted. “How about rebuilding your clan?”

“I wanna kill my brother first,” Sasuke said stubbornly.

“I'm not saying that you can't kill your brother,” Anko explained. “Just that you need something else to dream about.” Not that she didn't appreciate the way the little brat was trying to emulate her. “And I'll bet that rebuilding your clan would really piss your brother off.”

"Really?" Sasuke was so startled by the thought he actually stopped brooding for a second and looked hopeful.

“Why, he'd probably come back here to try to wipe it out again.”

“Do you think so?”

“All those new Uchihas running around, he couldn't help himself.”

"Then my dream is rebuilding my clan," Sasuke agreed. 'As bait to lure my brother back to Konoha so I can kill him,' Sasuke added silently.

“Now that, that's out of the way,” Konoha's number one sadistic snake bitch began cheerfully, “it's customary to have some sort of test to make sure that you're ready to be Gennin.”

"What do you mean test?!" Konoha's number one loudmouth screamed, visions of reams of paperwork being dumped on him danced through his head.

“Well, cyclops has his bell test. Uh . . . my old teacher had a test to see if you could suppress your gag reflex.” He'd been so disappointed when he found out that she was a girl. “Uh . . . I guess we could fight, that would give me a good idea of what your skill level is.”

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was in hell. The children had attacked the moment the Chunin had left the room and he'd been unable to fend them all off without using excessive force. The team work the class showed made him feel like a bear facing a wolf pack as they dodged and distracted him with expert skill.

He groaned as he struggled against his restraints, they'd tied him to the desk with copious amounts of Ninja wire (guaranteed not to break under normal use or your money back).

"Give that book back," Kakashi yelled, "it's not for children . . . put those Kunai down, they'd not for children . . . stop trying to set me on fire." Kakashi blew futilely at the smoldering kindling under his feet and tried to remember a chakra exercise he had been given as a Genin that dealt with extinguishing small flames without using hand signs. Who knew play-dough could be used to bind hands that way?

IIIIIIIIII

Anko was slightly disappointed when her loud blond student attacked head on. That disappointment disappeared after she'd seen what he had planned with several clones attempting to distract her while two more helped launch the young Genin high into the air.

Naruto braced for impact as he plummeted towards the earth, his clones having used more enthusiasm than skill. This was going to hurt.

Surprisingly it didn't, in fact it seemed much softer then he expected. He reached up to feel the objects that had broken his fall. They seemed to be round and squishy, his hands reported, he gave them a squeeze.

“Ohhh,” Anko moaned.

Naruto looked up nervously from his place between his new instructor's bountiful breasts. Well, he thought to himself, may as well be hung for a ram and all that. "Honk honk." He found a strange sort of fulfillment in the way they filled his hands, being much warmed and softer than he'd thought they'd be.

“Heh,” Anko laughed, “perverted little brat.” She was more then a bit impressed by the way the little bastard had managed to control his decent so wonderfully, not much practical use but impressive as hell.

“Uh . . .”

“Pinky, you're next,” Anko ordered.

“Yes, Sensei,” Sakura agreed.

“That means you have to let go, Naruto,” Anko said gently.

"Okay, Anko-Sensei." Naruto reluctantly released his grip on the woman's breasts and walked over to sit down next to a slightly, though he would never admit it aloud, impressed Sasuke.

“So what do you got, Pinky?” Anko asked.

“I have the highest test scores in my year,” Sakura said proudly.

“How'd you do on the practical stuff?” Anko asked.

“Not so good,” Sakura admitted.

“Well, we know what to work on then. Right, Sakura?”

“Yes, Sensei,” Sakura cheered.

"Okay then, I want you to throw your strongest attack . . ." Anko blocked Sakura's kick with no visible effort and sighed. "And we have a lot of work ahead of us. Broody, you're up."

“My name is not broody,” Sasuke protested.

“Fine, duck butt, you're up.”

“My . . .” he trailed off when he noticed the look in her eye. “Yes, Sensei.”

IIIIIIIIII

The Chunin instructor returned to the class a few hours later with a grin on his face.

“Looks like you guys had fun,” he said after he'd taken in the scene of pandemonium.

“Yes, Sensei,” the students chorused.

“Akira, don't think I didn't notice you trying to start that fire. Two hours of Chakra exercises for everyone every day followed by two more of Jutsu practice until everyone can set fires.”

“Awww,” the students sighed.

"Arson is an important ninja skill," he lectured, "and I wouldn't be much of an instructor if I let you graduate without making sure that you'd mastered it."

“Yes, Sensei.”

“Now then.” The instructor released Kakashi. “For homework, I want everyone to write a report on different kinds of summons.”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“And thank Kakashi here for helping out.”

“Thank you, Kakashi.”

"Class, dismissed." He was going to have to petition the Hokage to get this Jonin assigned to the academy full time, he'd never seen his students so well behaved.

IIIIIIIIII

Anko arrived at the Hokage's office several hours after the other instructors had left.

“Sorry I'm late,” Anko said as she stepped in for the meeting, “I took the kids out to get something to eat after the test.”

“Really?” the Hokage asked. He never would have thought that Anko of all people would be good with children.

“Yeah,” Anko agreed, “had to reward the perverted little brat somehow and the others didn't do too bad either.”

“Wonderful, when do you think you'll be ready for your next mission?”

“Mind if I hold off for a couple weeks?” Anko asked hopefully. “I'd really like to get in some training before I take any missions.”

“Of course not,” the Hokage agreed, “bit of time off would do you good.”

“Thank you, Hokage-sama.”

“And when you're ready, I've got a nice 'B' ranked assassination for you.”

“Really?” Anko asked with sparkling eyes. She was floored by the amount of faith the old man had in her training methods. “You're the best, old man.”

"Really," he agreed. They were her favorite after all and he thought she deserved a reward for doing such a good job with the students, why he hadn't received a single complaint from any of the parents. Maybe the village was finally getting past its suspicion of the young Special-Jonin, he could only hope that there would be a similar change in attitude towards Naruto. "Dismissed."

Anko skipped out of the office with a gigantic smile on her face and past a defeated looking Kakashi.

“Reporting in, Hokage,” Kakashi said in a tired voice.

“How'd they do?” the Hokage asked.

"When you said I was going to be an instructor, I never thought it would be like this," Kakashi said, exhaustion and a little fear lacing his voice.

"They did well then?" Sarutobi asked hopefully.

“They . . . they tied me up and took my book away,” Kakashi sobbed.

“I'll take that as a yes then,” the Hokage agreed, “enjoy your new assignment.”

“How . . . how long do I have to do this?” Kakashi would later swear that the sound of his spirit breaking had been audible.

“Until they all become Chunin.”

“But . . . but that'll take years,” Kakashi protested.

“Nonsense, I'd say that if they were able to defeat you then they're already well on their way to passing the exam.”

“But . . .”

"How old were you when you became a Chunin?" Saturobi pointed out.

“Yes, Hokage.” He really, really shouldn't have gotten on the old man's bad side, Kakashi thought to himself.

AN: Title by polychromeknight. Typos busted by chatramordrai. Anko is fun to write, going to have to do more with her.

Omake: Infiltration Training

Anko arrived at the meeting place she'd arranged with her team the day before and was more then pleased to see that her team had arrived early and were performing the chakra exercised she'd mentioned the day before.

“Got a new exercise for you, Pinky,” Anko said to Sakura. She drew a long straight Anbu sword from a place of concealment. “Now the first thing you gotta do is . . .”

“What about me?” Naruto interrupted.

“I've got a different exercise for you, Naruto.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Now the first thing you gotta do is learn to suppress your gag reflexes,” Anko lectured, “and eventually you'll be able to . . .” she drew her sword, looked up, and lowered the entire length down her throat.

“Wow,” Naruto cheered. “You're the best, Anko-Sensei.”

Anko quickly pulled the sword out before bursting into laughter, it figured that the perverted brat would appreciate that technique.

“How is that technique useful?” Sakura demanded.

“It's very useful on 'infiltration' missions,” Anko replied with a smirk.

“I too would like to learn that technique,” Sasuke spoke up. The ability to hide small objects in the back of his throat would be invaluable in his quest to kill his brother.

“Thought you said you wanted to rebuild your clan?” Anko said oddly. “Ah well, I don't judge.”

“What about me?” Naruto asked.

“Go over there and do pull ups while I explain the basics of the technique to these two,” Anko instructed, “I'll be over in a bit.”

“Yes, Anko,” Naruto agreed cheerfully.

Omake: Mission

“Good news,” Anko announced loudly, “ol'man Hokage thinks highly enough of our team to give us a 'B' ranked assassination mission.” She tossed them a file. “Now I want you three to look over the info and come up with a viable plan.”

Several hours later, Anko sighed in frustration. She'd never thought about how difficult it would be to teach the little brats some subtlety.

Sasuke nodded firmly. "I say we walk in, slaughter his family in front of him and then use some genjutsu to make him relive it several times and then when he's mentally broken and wishes for death with all his heart we have some common fuckin' decency and put him down!"

Sakura and Naruto just stared at their teammate as he came up with his fifth

plan in a row that seemed... off.

“Two major problems with your plan, Broody,” Anko said in a tired voice, “the first being the guards . . .”

“Feh,” Sasuke sniffed.

“The second being the fact that we're ninja, you know silent death and all that. You got something better for me, Pinky?”

“Could we . . . um . . . the file says that he enjoys eating fugu,” Sakura said hesitantly, “how difficult would it be to arrange for the cook to make a mistake?”

"Better," Anko admitted. "Probably too difficult to bother with for a B rank, something to look into for an A rank though. Blonde, your turn."

“Well.” Naruto's mind was a blank, they'd never taught him to do this stuff in the academy. All he knew how to do were pranks and . . . a slow smile formed on his face. “What if we . . .”

Eventually leading to . . .

Anko watched in shock as the target tripped on the loose floorboard that Naruto had arranged and into the scaffolding causing a boiling cauldron of roofing tar to fall down and coat the unfortunate man. The now screaming target blundered around until finally falling over the rail and several stories into a pile of leaves. Anko grinned widely as her ears detected the now leaf covered target's death rattle.

“Well, I gotta admit that I didn't expect that to work,” Anko beamed down at her students. “This sort of overly complex plan usually doesn't.”

"Much easier then pranking the Anbu," Naruto muttered, firmly pressed against Anko's chest with a happy smile.

Sakura sighed. "Naruto, must you spend all your time plastered to Sensei's chest?"

"Yes, yes I must. I'll stop when they pry my cold dead fingers off em!" Naruto growled.

Anko tried not to snicker.

And finally . . .

“Team Anko reporting a successful assassination,” Anko reported proudly.

“Good job,” the Hokage replied. He ignored the strange way the woman had begun referring to herself in the third person lately. Personality quirks were just one of the many hazards of the job.

"I have, Kakashi and his students," the hokage smiled fondly thinking of the way Kakashi always referred to his genin as his 'students', it showed he was taking his responsibility to train them seriously. "Scheduled for a C rank that is really a disguised B rank. I want to see how he handles it. Would you mind having Team Anko shadowing him and seeing that nothing harms his students? It's to Wave."

Omake: Chunin Examination

“What's this?” the clerk asked.

“I'm nominating my students for the Chunin Exam and I need you to process the paperwork,” Kakashi said in a calm voice. A trail of sweat made its way down his forehead as he waited for the reply. All he had to do is get all the brats killed or promoted to Chunin and then he'd be free, gloriously free.

“All thirty of them?”

“Academy class three fifteen is exceptional,” Kakashi said quickly, “and should be promoted at once.”

“Denied,” the bureaucrat said with his first genuine grin of the day, he dearly loved using his power to destroy people's dreams and ambitions. Using that power to avenge himself on the man who'd ruined his little girl's dream of becoming a ninja was wonderful beyond belief.

“What . . . but . . . but why?” Kakashi was close to tears.

“Section two subsection five paragraph three line four states that only active Gennin can be nominated for the Chunin exams,” the bureaucrat's grin deepened, “how long have your students been Gennin?”

“Academy students are . . .”

“Not Gennin, good day.”

“Wait,” Kakashi cried out.

“Yes?” The bureaucrat asked.

“I Kakashi do promote all of my students to Gennin, now can I nominate them?”

“Of course,” the bureaucrat agreed, “you should have done that in the first place.”

“Great,” Kakashi cheered.

“But first you'll have to do a small amount of paperwork,” the bureaucrat said sadistically.

“Paperwork?”

“Not too much.” He reached under his desk and pulled out a large stack of paper.

“I have to do all that?” Kakashi asked faintly.

“For each student, yes.”

“All that?”

“And in triplicate,” the bureaucrat added, “have a nice day.”

Which leads to . . .

“I'm finished,” Kakashi said happily, “finally finished.”

“This all seems to be in order,” the bureaucrat agreed. He tossed it all into a conveniently located garbage can.

“What'd you do that for?” Kakashi asked in horror.

“Hmmm? Oh, those were form thirty one twenty eight dash ones.”

“So?”

“So they were replaced by the form thirty one twenty eight dash two earlier today. I'm afraid that you're going to have to do it all over again, this time using the new forms.”

This of course leads to . . .

“Finished,” Kakashi said happily.

“Looks like it,” the bureaucrat agreed.

“And these forms didn't go obsolete suddenly, right?” Kakashi demanded.

“Nope,” the bureaucrat agreed, “and even if they had you could just fill out a simple form ten dash fifteen to have them accepted as substitutes.”

“How long is that form?”

“Just one page and it would have covered all of this,” the bureaucrat said absently.

“So why didn't I just fill it out for the last batch of forms?” Kakashi asked dangerously.

“I don't know,” the bureaucrat said with a shrug, “why didn't you?”

“I . . . I . . .” Kakashi managed to subdue his urge to kill. “So we're done now, right?”

“Done filling out the request for the forms you need to fill out,” the bureaucrat agreed. He placed a much larger stack of forms on the desk. “Just fill a set of these out for each student in triplicate and we'll be on our way.”

“On our way to what?”

“The forms we need to fill out to get the forms we need to nominate them to become Gennin,” the bureaucrat replied.

“Of . . . of course,” Kakashi sighed. What had he done to deserve this?

Omake By Daenerys

Dear Anko,

Congratulations on finally receiving a genin team. I must admit that I was

surprised when my spy reported this to me, and infuriated when he revealed

just who was in it. Incidently, you may tell Sarutobi that Makishi Sato will

not be returning from his latest mission. I do not know how the old man

found out about my plans, nor how such a decrepit, overly pacifistic

geriatric was able to derail them so simply. That he managed to overule the

suggestions of his advisors and council is a great surprise to me, and

thoroughly annoying. As above, please pass my condolences to Sarutobi about

the recent accidents that have befallen several of the forementioned

council.

I had intended to adapt my plans to your presence, but once I found out just

what you were doing, have now decided against that. To my utmost surprise,

Sasuke, with those beautiful eyes of his, has already reached heights that I

only intended for him after several months of training. His lithe, but

muscular body is developing well under your supervision, and he is learning

skills that I thought would take much manipulation for him to study. Instead

he is approaching them with great determination instead. I thank you for

this.

Enclosed with this letter, I have included a summoning scroll for serpents

for the handsome boy to sign. Since you have taken the old man's ridiculous

"equality amongst teammates" foolishness to heart, I have also included four

other summonings that I have encountered. I have no idea what they might be

for, since I killed the previous contract holders before they could reveal

them, and Manda has been growing continually more jealous of late. As well,

I give you these flexibility exercises, which should complement the training

that Sasuke is following. The oil and camera go with this, if you could

please send pictures of his efforts to 'The Otokage, Hidden Village in the

Sound'. Again, training scrolls for strength and speed stolen from Tsunade

and Jiraiya are included for your other students if you MUST help them as

well.

For further training tips and valuable advice, I have included the profiles

of several other young gentlemen that Sasuke may be interested in. Their

enthusiasm for similar proclivities may help Sasuke reach his potential

faster. I would ask though, that he refrain from copying their penchant for

wearing female clothing. I am interested in boys, and do not want him

appearing elsewise.

Your Teacher

Orochimaru

Serpent Sannin

Otokage

Dear Orochimaru,

Please examine closely the explosive notes that have been activated by your

opening of this letter.

-Anko

Omake/Possible scene by polychromeknight

"So, to start off, you're going to learn to cook proper dango!"

"Ramen!" the outraged genin corrected.

Anko'd already opened her mouth to shout 'dango!' when instead a sly expression overtook her face. "So, you think ramen's better, huh kid?"

"Ramen's the best!!" the blond insisted.

A smile overtook the jonin's face. "Ok, but no one can start out on the top. You've got to work your way up to it, just like ninja ranks, to *deserve* the right to work with the best. So you'll start on dango. Then learn one favorite dish suggested by each of your teammates. Then, judging by how well you make those, we'll see if you're worthy of making ramen. But expect a long, hard road, kid."

"Hah! I'll show you!" the genin removed one hand from her breasts so he could pump a fist. "I'll be the best cook ever, and I'll earn the right to make ramen in no time!"