Title: Expectations and Other Moving Pieces 1/?
Rating: M
Warnings: some adult content
Spoilers: anything up to Crossroads II
Pairing: Lee/Kara (will eventually include ensemble characters)
Time period: post Crossroads II
Disclaimers: I don't own them wish I did

Summary: Lee and Kara struggle to find where they fit in each other’s lives after her return to the Fleet.

A/N: Special thanks to pataka02 and jcathm for all their wonderful help and suggestions.

Expectations and Other Moving Pieces – Chapter 1

“I’m sorry she left you.”

“I don’t want to discuss it,” Lee flicked his eyes across her face once before looking at his feet, “Especially with you.”

“Gods, Lee. We came here to talk, so I’m talking.”

He looked at her directly this time, “Yeah, but we’re supposed to be talking about us.”

A brief ‘something’ shadowed her eyes and he knew they were both remembering the exact same thing. It was a bold statement for him to make, but ever since his involvement in the trial he’d gotten a taste for bold statements.

Returning her stare with a challenging one of his own, he dared her to contradict him.

Kara’s shoulders slumped a little and she half turned away.

Cutting her off like that was making her shut down, he could see it in her face. So he relented and softened his tone, “Why are you sorry?”

Kara turned back and shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe because she was…… is… your wife and you love her. Because your marriage is important to you.”

Despite how sincere she sounded, he couldn’t help but feel her words were an accusation. Maybe he was feeling too raw about everything that had happened to let her see how vulnerable he still was.

“How do you know it was important to me?”

She straightened her shoulders and spoke in a clear but thin voice, “Because you chose her over me.”

It felt like a slap. Gods, especially after everything they’d been through. “Are you trying to start a fight with me, Kara?”

“It’s the truth.”

Lee shook his head in amazement, “You’re unbelievable.” He huffed, “I’ve lost count how many times you’ve left me. And I’m usually naked when you do.” He was amazed at how easily the anger and pain resurfaced, especially after how hard he’d worked to put it behind him.

Her eyes turned liquid but she quickly blinked it back, “I made a mistake. Lots of mistakes.” She stepped closer and almost reached out to him, “But now I think it might’ve been for a reason.”

“What are you talking about?” He seriously hoped having his heart repeatedly broken by her wasn’t part of some purpose.

“What I did to you pushed you so far away that you never came back. We literally ended up as CAG and pilot and while it was hard to face that’s all we’d ever be, I think it was necessary.”

Lee shook his head in confusion, “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“Before I disappeared into the mandala don’t you remember how scared I was, how I didn’t even want to get back into my Viper?”

Something like cold lead rolled in his gut and dropped to his toes. He remembered. Of course he frakking remembered! Unable to speak, he gave her a single nod of acknowledgement.

“When I look back now I realise I needed to be alone, to have nothing to fall back on. I’d lost my best friend.”

“We were still friends,” He said quietly. And they had been, but it wasn’t like before and he knew it.

She shrugged, “We weren’t friends. Not really. Not until you thought I was losing my mind and suddenly you felt responsible for me in some way.” With a self depreciating smile she added, “The hangar deck echoes Lee, you didn’t really want to come and speak to me, you tried to palm me off to the Chief.”

He suddenly felt backed into a corner, “How am I supposed to answer, Kara? There was a reason I was trying to keep my distance. And it wasn’t because I didn’t care about you.”

“It’s okay, Lee. It had to be that way. If I thought you still loved me…” Her eyes darted briefly to the side, “…like that, I wouldn’t have been able to let you go. I would’ve kept avoiding my destiny.”

Lee squared up the distance between them, “Am I supposed to feel guilty for loving my wife, for putting my heart and soul into my marriage?”

“That’s not what I…”

He talked over the top of her, “You know when a man makes love to a woman and falls asleep with her in his arms…”

Kara’s face went ashen.

“…it’s the woman who’s still there in the morning who wins his heart.”

Kara let out an angry breath and walked away from him, “We’ve already been through this, Lee. I made a mistake. I got scared and ran. I’m sorry I hurt you and you know I broke my own heart as well by what I did.”

She was right. They had been through this before. And he honestly thought he’d put it behind him. But obviously not. A small pool of dismay welled up. What would it take to finally be free of that night and morning on New Caprica? It was so long ago now. So many things had happened since.

Lee cocked his head to the side, a thought springing to his mind and clicking like a puzzle piece. “So what is supposed to be different now?”

She spun back, “Now?”

He gave her a pointed look.

“Do you think I’m trying to get you back?”

Crossing his arms, “Aren’t you?”

Kara shook her head, “It’s too late for us, Lee. I know it now more than ever. But I still thought we were friends.” She fiddled with the hem of her tanks and her voice got smaller, “I just assumed that what you said after we first landed…about how much you missed me and were never letting me go again, meant you were going to let me be part of your life once more. You know, more than before. That we no longer had to stick to just being CAG and pilot, that we could be friends again; real friends.”

He swallowed, “We are friends. We’re more than that. We’re…family.”

Her body relaxed with relief and a warming smile lit up her face. With a quick step forwards, she embraced him tightly. “Thank you. I’ve learnt my life is so much better when you’re in it and I promise I won’t cause trouble for you this time. I love you, Lee. And I don’t know how to stop.”

The quick change in her demeanour had him spinning, but that didn’t stop him from holding her just as tight. Something which had been missing filled back up. “I love you too.” The truth in his words made him feel vulnerable so he kept talking to distract her. “Though don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you stopped causing me trouble, I’ll start thinking you’re a Cylon.”

She laughed, the sound muffled against his shoulder, “Do you want me to help you win Dee back?”

Some of the warmth he was feeling seeped away replaced with ice. “No thank you. My marriage is off limits to you.” He said it in a funny way, but was still deadly serious.

She laughed again and Lee’s entire body stiffened when her lips accidentally brushed across the side of his neck. Luckily she didn’t notice.

Eventually they let go of each other, each retreating to a safer distance. At least he could think clearer without the warm smell of her hair filling his nostrils.

“So, um, will you be trying to work things out with Sam?”

Kara’s eyes suddenly clouded over. She chewed her lip. “I know it makes me the worst kind of hypocrite, but after what I saw I don’t think I can.”

Lee allowed himself a brief moment of satisfaction as he pictured Kara’s face as she pulled back the curtain of her old bunk to find her husband with another woman curled around him. Then he instantly felt contrite for still harbouring such petty feelings. It was an effort to let the past go, let old feelings go. It was an effort to push forward and know he could walk up to the line but not step over it. Stepping over had only ever resulted in stung pride, dashed hopes and a broken heart.

It was also an effort to be supportive when every instinct screamed against his voiced opinion, but he was slowly learning to go against his instincts; specifically when it came to the beautiful but dangerous creature before him. The cloak of friendship was so much easier to wear.

It was safer, too.

“He loved you, Kara. The guy was a mess. I don’t think what he’s got going now is anything more than a man trying to get over a dead wife.”

She toed her boot and shrugged, “It’s not that, Lee. Sam and I have always had a fairly no-strings type of relationship.”

“Then what is it?” Lee knew he was prying but couldn’t help his curiosity. Working out the different ways the woman in front of him ticked was an opportunity he didn’t want to miss.

With a hint of embarrassment she shook her head, “You’ll think I’m stupid.”

Now he was really curious. Pointing to the wall he motioned for her to sit. Once they were comfortable, he slung a casual arm across her shoulder. “I already know you don’t have a brain.” Ooof! She jabbed his side with a pointy elbow. He lightly pinched her earlobe with the hand still across her shoulder and leaned in with a conspiratorial whisper, “You can tell me.”

Reaching up she held a few of his fingers. Instantly Lee’s mind was transported back to New Caprica. His stomach twisted with still painful memories of standing next to his father while watching Kara hold Sam’s fingers of the arm which was slung across her shoulders. The newlywed couple deaf to the sound of his heart breaking as they’d walked towards him.

“Fine,” She relented with amusement in her voice. “It’s hard to describe but I don’t feel like the same person I used to be. I was forced to let so much go, so many of my demons that I feel completely different. Lighter maybe.”

“So this is about your destiny experience?”

“I guess. It’s just that I think Sam liked me broken. And his tolerance for my behaviour was almost inhuman. He’s not very conventional and we suited each other perfectly at the time.”

Lee automatically loosened his grip on her a little. She noticed and tugged his arm, forcing him to settle properly next to her again, which he did with a touch of reluctance. Mentally he knew they were only friends now. After all, it was his call. And she was accepting it.

Maybe it was the experience of losing her to death, but her miraculous return was causing his feelings to run a little wild. He had faith it would soon pass, though. Just like it always had.

“I just don’t think he would be able to cope with me now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t feel like screw-up Starbuck anymore. I actually feel happy, peaceful even.”

Lee laughed and she playfully slapped his leg.

“I’m serious, Lee.”

“I believe you.”

She sighed and settled back into his half embrace, “I want to start afresh. Maybe even one day fall in love without all the hang-ups and baggage,” She laughed at herself. “Not that I’m going to start looking, but it’s nice to feel like I no longer have to run from the situation if it arises.”

He stayed completely silent.

“Lee?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re not laughing.”

“I guess it’s not funny.”

She moved forward and twisted around, leaving his side cold, and sat on her knees facing him.

“You don’t think it’s funny?”

He shook his head, “Nope.”

Kara pressed a finger to her full mouth and looked upwards as if trying to remember something, “So you don’t think it’s funny that I…” She cleared her throat and tried to imitate him, “A raving lunatic who is demented and deranged, wants to try for a normal happy life?”

It used all he had to push down the sting of her words. He knew she wasn’t trying to be malicious, but did she really think he would’ve wanted to say those particular words on the last day they had together? “There’s no such thing as normal anymore.”

“True, but you know what I mean.” She smiled wistfully, “You found it with Dee. Chief with Cally. Frak, even Helo managed to carve out normal with a Cylon.”

“And you don’t think you could make it work with Sam?”

“I… I don’t want to. We had our chance and I blew it.” She eyed him carefully, “Same with you and me.”

Her words hung in the air and he would’ve been kidding himself if he pretended there wasn’t a hint of a question in her statement. Idly he wondered if he answered it with a kiss would respond in kind, or was it just his old diehard feelings for her refusing to stay locked away.

Then he realised what she had just said, “Why did you include my marriage in your list? You know she left me.”

Rolling her eyes at him, “Have you even tried to get her back yet?”

He shook his head no, feeling guilty as he did so. A man had his pride and Kara didn’t need to know everything.

“Why not? You know she’ll come straight back.”

“How do you know?”

Kara pulled an exaggerated face, “Gods, men are so stupid.”

He glared at her.

“Think of everything you two have been through. And if I remember correctly, just a little over a month ago you told me how great your marriage was. You were happy, Lee. Don’t give up on that.”

A lump formed in his throat. He knew what happiness was. It was the feeling that made a man leap to his feet and scream his pure joy at the top of his lungs. Happiness was hearing the woman you love giggle with shyness and follow suit. Happiness was feeling so much love that you thought your heart would burst.

“I love you Kara.”

Surprised, she smiled innocently, “I love you too.”

He didn’t smile and repeated his words more slowly, “I love you Kara.”

Her smile faltered and she whispered, “I love you too.”

Going with his gut he offered her his hand. She stared at it for a few moments before reaching out and taking it. With an easy motion he pulled her around to sit between his legs, raising his knees up and locking her in. A soft sigh escaped her as she pressed her back against his chest and took his arms to wrap around her middle.

His senses filled with the scent of her hair again and his skin heated everywhere they touched. The silky softness made his eyes close as he rubbed his jaw against the beautiful strands.

Without thinking, he dipped his head low and to the side and dropped a soft kiss on her throat. Instantly she tilted her neck to give him better access. Of course he took it. Everything was going fine until he lightly flicked his tongue out to taste her sweet salty flesh. Kara moaned helplessly in a way that shot adrenalin through his veins. But the sound snapped her back to awareness and she pulled away.

“Oh gods, Lee. Don’t do that.”

Trying to tug her close again, letting all his former good intentions fall away, he responded, “I might need a reason.”

Kara released a slow breath and purposefully separated herself from him. They both stood up and faced each other.

Her eyes lowered several times and he could swear her cheeks heightened with colour.

Eventually her eyes found his and stayed there. “I know in the past it was me who pushed for a casual relationship… but it’s not enough anymore.”

Lee locked his knees on instinct and waited for her to continue.

Her eyes glinted with a dash of determination, “My pride can’t take second place this time,” A thin smile spread across her face at the irony, “And yet I’m not so arrogant to think I have the right to make any demands of you. Not after how I acted last time.”

Lee literally felt the power shift from her field into his. She’d always had ultimate control. Honesty forced him to admit she still did even now. But whatever had changed her when she disappeared into the mandala storm had shifted her perception of things.

“So what are you saying?” He held his breath in anticipation of her answer.

Kara eyed him carefully and swallowed, “I’m saying hurry up and go back to your wife because I’m not sure how long I can pretend that I’m okay about it.”

Finally the truth. He waited for the sweet taste of victory but nothing happened. In playing this dangerous little game with her he’d stepped over the frakking line again and was more vulnerable than ever. The only beauty was the fact she didn’t even realise.

Maybe he should come clean and admit he’d lied before. When she’d asked him if he’d try to fix things with Dee he said no. But the answer was yes. She’d still refused to give him a chance to explain himself and had resolutely aligned her loyalty to his father. In the heat of anger he tossed in her face the information that his father had ruled to free Baltar causing Dee to gape like a fish. And just like the first time, she stood her full height and walked out without a backwards glance.

Four hours later the news of Starbuck’s return had finally leaked out and it was at that moment he found Dee standing at his hatch waiting for him to show up. One look into her eyes and everything was laid open. Her confidence had been replaced with fear and the cloud of guilt he usually allowed her to smother him with was pierced with cold truth. Dee knew she no longer had the luxury of time to play her self righteous games and makes her demands. Kara Thrace was back.

But he’d been in no state to play Dee’s games. Not with his brain still short circuiting at the crazy insane return of his dead best friend. He’d rushed in and out on her with a promise to talk later and it was only as he was leaving that his peripheral vision caught her bag of belongings tucked behind her legs.

A single beat of silence too long and his reverie was broken by the sound of the hatch slamming. Kara had walked out taking his silence as confirmation that her value to him was still rated as low as it had been before she’d died.

He rushed to follow her and reached for the spin handle on the hatch. But his hand froze mid motion. Always hesitation. Always.

Was anything different now than before her death? Yes and no. Losing her had forced him to face exactly the hold she had over his life and heart. Her grasp was nothing less than total and complete. But he was still technically married and so was she, despite how tenuous those marriages now were.

Her return to the living had occurred exactly thirty three hours ago and yet already they had snuck off to be alone three times to reconnect. The first was to for him just to hold her for ten minutes in trembling silence. The second was for her to answer his million questions about where she’d been, not that she had much information to give. This third time was to test the bounds of their relationship and see where the cubits landed.

Opening the hatch and stepping out from the storage room and into the quiet corridor, he walked with purpose to follow her. No wrong turns were taken, he found her at her newly assigned bunk.

She quickly flung her curtain shut the moment she spotted him. The others in the bunkroom fell silent. The brief glimpse he got of her face had shown him how hurt she was. It was all in her eyes and the shape of her mouth.

“Give us the room,” He demanded in a quiet, low voice that brooked no disobedience.

The muffled snort of indignation from behind the curtain at his audacity made his lip curl slightly. But he kept his composure as the others quickly filed out, grateful they obeyed him when they no longer had to.

Once they were alone he decided to wait for her to come to him first, so he loudly pulled out a chair furthest from her bunk and sat. Long minutes stretched out and he could almost picture her biting her bottom lip and shaking her head in annoyance and building anger behind the curtain.

There was no way he was going to lose this battle. It was enough that he’d followed her here in the first place. The next move was up to her.

A few sounds of restless moving about followed by a loud huff of annoyance announced her exit. She casually swept her curtain open and made brief eye contact before standing up and going to her locker.

Lee relaxed and slouched in his chair, sprawling his legs apart as if he had all the time in the world. She was gorgeous when she was pissed off. All fire and glowing skin.

In a few moments he was going to get up and press her back into the mattress. He was going to kiss every little hurt and doubt away and replace them with promises. She had been back for less than two days and finally it struck him as inconceivable that he’d managed to hold off for so long. Always trying to kid himself and take the high road instead of giving in to what he really wanted. Which was her. In how many ways did she have to spell it out to him that she was done with Sam and wanted a fresh start? The brave face she’d put on about his marriage was just that – a put-on. Those last words she’d spoken were the truth. Idly, he wondered if they would go hard and fast or sweet and slow.

Just as he was about to utter words she pulled her tanks up and off. Lee closed his mouth again and simply watched. Turning to face him directly, she caught his eye and held it as she undid her cargo pants and slid them off her hips. The expression on her face wasn’t happy or teasing, no, she was still upset with him and her look was a direct challenge full of defiance.

Hard and fast it would be, then. They could go slow next time.

His breath quickened slightly as she peeled off her sports bra. With her soft naked curves before him, he swallowed hard. Despite the many lovely feminine bodies he saw daily in the head, Kara was perfection in his eyes. And it was hard to deny when he was staring at her perfect pale-pink tipped breasts. The memory of them against his palms, chest and tongue far too distant. New Caprica had been living hell, but it still had its moments.

Instead of moving towards him now, like he expected, she reached inside her locker and retrieved her shower kit and tossed it on the bench. Next, out came some clean clothes and a towel.

Heat rushed up his face as he realised she’d played him yet again. As if the ball was ever in his court. With a barely hid smirk, she reached behind her head with both hands and ran her fingers through the messy strands.

Lee felt paralysed as he watched her. Somehow she looked pure and wanton at the same time. She had the aura of a goddess and a body made purely for sin.

“Kara,” He warned with a low growl.

“What?”

Her knowing smile made him immediately stand up.

Before he managed to take a single step, the hatch swung open and an older man about mid forties wearing a suit and glasses walked in. “Is there a Kara Thr……” The man’s voice trailed off as he looked up from the page he was reading her name off of and spotted the mostly naked woman at the other end on the bunkroom.

“I’m Thrace,” Kara answered without embarrassment and picked up the towel to wrap around herself.

Lee stood there gaping and annoyed as hell at the intrusion and that the guy still hadn’t realised there was someone else in the room. He also hadn’t averted his eyes to give Kara a moment of privacy but had openly stared at her.

Lee coughed loudly and stepped forward, “You are?”

Caught, the man spluttered a little while Kara laughed lightly at his embarrassment. But to his credit he got himself under control and straightened his shoulders. Something about the reaction seemed practiced to Lee. It wasn’t a natural response. Or maybe Lee was just too annoyed to see straight.

The guy offered Lee a hand, “Hello, I’m Benjamin Grant. The President has sent me to interview Ms. Thrace.”

Lee reciprocated the handshake briefly, “I’m Lee Adama.”

“Yes, I saw you during the trial on the two days I managed to attend.”

Kara came up to both of them clutching her towel and shower kit, “Interviews will have to wait until I’ve had a shower, or we can set a time aside for tomorrow……”

Her voice trailed off as she met the man’s eyes. Lee saw something that looked like recognition spark between them. Kara shrank bank slightly and her entire countenance switched from sure and cocky to quiet and almost shy.

“Do you two know each other?” Lee had to ask.

“No.”

“Nope.”

They answered in unison. But Lee wasn’t convinced.

Kara cocked her head to the side and stared at the man, “You do seem familiar for some reason.”

Benjamin smiled softly, “I’m positive I would never forget meeting a woman like you.”

Lee rolled his eyes and had to fight the urge to push Kara behind him and get in Benjamin’s face.

Kara laughed, “You’re only saying that because you just saw me naked.”

Benjamin grinned in response and then cleared his throat, “I’ll grab some coffee from the mess and wait for you to…,” His eyes darted up and down the length of her, “…to finish your shower.” Next, his expression went very intense, “Please don’t take too long; we have a big day ahead of us.”

The moment he said those words the colour drained from Kara’s face. Lee felt her step close into his side so they were pressed together. It was as if she was seeking shelter from the stranger before them.

As though Kara hadn’t reacted weirdly, Ben smiled warmly and nodded to both of them before exiting the bunkroom.

The moment the hatch clicked shut he spun to face Kara, “What the frak was that?”

She shrugged, “How would I know? I guess Roslin wants her own report of what happened to me.”

“That’s not what I was talking about, Kara. Have you met that man before?”

Despite her previous moment of wariness Kara rolled her eyes, “No. And stop being so suspicious. Ben’s obviously just a pencil pusher of some kind and you know I don’t hang out with nerds.”

Kara was having too much fun playing with him; he could see it all over her face. So Lee tried for a different tactic to make her engage more seriously. “Where’s the woman who I just spent sitting in a storage room with for over an hour?”

Kara locked eyes with him, “She was pouring her heart out to you and you pissed her off.”

She had him there. He wanted to say sorry but found he couldn’t. Instead he just said, “I know.” The emotional mood from the storage room had changed to a balls-out challenge in the bunkroom. He smirked, “So what about the bombshell who was taking off all her clothes?”

It was Kara’s turn to smirk though a flash of her stung pride was still visible underneath. She tossed her shower kit back onto the table and made sure the knot on her towel was secure. With a lift of one eyebrow, she ran her hands up her thighs, lifting the towel with it until her fingers were at the waistband of her underwear. Lee watched as she slowly slid the soft cotton down, the towel falling back into place keeping his eyes from seeing anything he really shouldn’t. After she stepped out of them she flung her underwear across the room to land on her bunk with the rest of her dirty clothes.

And just like that he was hot for her again and deciding she was going to be extremely late for her meeting in the mess hall with Benjamin Grant. He had some making up to do and no longer wanted to waste any time.

He moved towards her, hand going for her waist, but she stepped away and bent slightly across the table to retrieve her shower kit. With a double tap on his shoulder she sauntered past and left him with these words, “Hey Lee, maybe my fresh start is waiting for me in the mess.” She gave him a challenging ‘I dare you to prove me wrong’ wink, “Wish me luck.”

TBC