Keep Me

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Kissing her is all I had left. All I can do to make me feel. All I can do to make sure I’m not falling off the face of the planet and landing into nothing and everything all at once. Kissing her, my body pressed against her, my lips roughly tantalizing and bruising hers. All I have to do, giving out kisses I’m not sure either of us wants. But it’s all I can do. All I can do to make sure I keep breathing. Inhaling, exhaling and repeating each movement, each simple task that gets harder each time.

I’m not sure what hurts more, kissing her or trying not to kiss her. She is beautiful after all in her own way. A way that I could see, away that broke my heart every time I see her. Kissing her makes me sick to my stomach, makes my head spin; my ears get a strange buzzing noise inside them and my blood begins to boil. The more I kiss her, the angrier I seem to get. So the harder I force her against my door with my body pressed to hers, my lips ravishing her own.

I always cry eventually when I kiss her, she cries too. She always clings onto my neck or my back as if her life depends on it, like I’m the miracle that supposed to save her. Save her from the wreck that we had become, the wreck we’ve made. Each kiss at a time, each time I forced my hands on her arm in a way that was claiming territory I shouldn’t own, territory I wasn't sure I wanted to own.

I still remember the first time it happened, it was early in the morning and I was lying in my bed. I was tired and delirious yet I couldn’t sleep because I was to busy thinking about the last person I wanted too. I hated her, I still do, and that’s the weird thing about it. Yet, I can’t ever let her go, and I can’t ever stop kissing her. I’m diluted in my own sick lust for her. Every time she talks with her lush lips, every time her brown hair is pushed off her cheek, every time her hips sway to the motion of her walk.

So I got out of my bed, and slipped out of my door praying everyone stayed asleep and I walked over to her room. Her lamp light was I on; I could tell from the hallway before I even got to the door and gently slid it open. She was laying on her bed her face in the pillow and I knew she was crying. I just walked over and turned her around, she looked at me with an expression I had never seen before, but one I was not soon to forget. Such sadness, pain, and emptiness lay there. She was just as lonely as I was; she was just as empty and just as confused. Though, she handled it better, she hadn’t cracked. She hadn’t let the world know and see her pain.

I had though; I had slowly slipped back into the ways of the world, hockey, girls, and popularity. If you think that’s not cracking that I don’t know what is. When you’re like that, in that crowd, acting like me. It’s all the life you have, no one knows who you are though they all cry out your name and give you hugs or high fives, but they don't know you, they just see what they want too.

I remember grabbing unto her forcibly and glancing one last time into her face, there was no sign of even acknowledging my presence, just pain, hate and emptiness. I kissed her hard than, and I cried for the first time that I can remember. She kissed me back, just as hard and rash. Bruising both our lips. I laid down beside her, biting and nipping at her neck in a way that should have made her moan, but only let her sob harder.

I was crying to. I was letting the tears slip off my face soothing the areas of her skin that I had marked as mine. Casey looked at me with her penetrating eyes as I continued kissing her neck and slowly slipping her sleeve down her shoulder as to mark it there to. She gave me the same look again. As if I wasn’t there, and yet at the same time I was all she could see.

I couldn’t kiss her anymore; it was making my mouth hurt, my tongue burn and my insides churn. I couldn’t do it, though my will power told me to keep going, I cried harder, and so did she. I just kept kissing her neck and than her mouth again. Our tongues dancing together in a forbidden romance that was controlled by a fire we lit ourselves two years ago when she first set foot into my territory.

I remember eventually falling beside her, not being able to take the hate filled passion any longer. I collapsed beside her my tears still fresh as were hers. I pulled her close to me and held her and we cried. At this time I could forget about hate, love, like, pain, empty, full. Everything I could forget. I could forget my dizziness, and anger, my passion. I could just be. Derek, just me, just Derek and Casey lying together holding each other in desperation. The way it should be.

We never talk about our kisses, there like secrets that these very walls hold. Secrets that are too dark and forbidden for even us to know. For us to ever mention, to even think of. We never treat each other differently; we never share secret smiles, or knowing gazes with our eyes. We just go on, tell the next time fate in its twisted and malfunctioned way thrusts us together. Where I have to kiss her, and she has to kiss me back. Than she cries and I cry. Tell were wrapped up in deceit and indecently warped into a sense of non-existent that nobody should have to hope for or even want to feel.

I’ve lost all contact with any other feeling, except of course when he came back into the picture. He, who said he loved her, her with her smiles, I hope at least for there sakes, that they don’t cry when they kiss. I thought I would feel a twisted jealousy for Casey and Sam, but I don’t. I thought I’d feel guilt for when my lips yet again met hers in the darkened hours of the night when Mother Nature decided secrets could become revealed for a few exhilarating moments before being reburied. Yet I still felt no guilt, but Casey cried harder, which in some way I guess I did to. But I didn’t pay attention; I only paid attention to the way it felt when I had her in my own fairytale that I could continue as my own leisure. After all, I did always get what I wanted. What Derek wants, Derek gets. Casey of course, had just become another victim to the statement and had finally accepted it.

It was easy for me to show up with hickeys or bruised and swollen lips, people of course expected that of me. But Casey, its’ a wonder how she managed to hide them from the world, the forbidden tale that we knew no one could ever know. Sam was always blinded to things he didn’t want to see, and I knew this was one of those things. If he found a hickey he looked they other way or kissed there too, pretending he had made it. Casey never cried when Sam kissed her. Though, I think she wanted to, because I’d always find her after a date huddled in her bed, and I’d come to her, and I’d kiss her. Just as savagely as the last kiss we had shared.

We hardly ever spoke when we had these moments together, moments no one can really describe, accept for once. I still remember the way it felt her words tickling my throat where her mouth was pressed.

‘Derek…’ she whispered quietly

I closed my eyes, mustering my voice behind the sobs I was holding in, finding I couldn’t I just nodded slightly.

‘Derek…’ she repeated just as softly and as sweetly and as melodic as anyone pressed to me naked her mouth on my neck could do.

I managed a small ‘hmm’ this time but still hardly anything compared to the way she could whisper my name. This of course thrust me into a whole new world of feeling. The tingles that would ensue in a whole new way up and down my neck flowing to everywhere in my body, my mind trying to secure the way she spoke it forever.

‘Derek…tell me you love me.’ I wasn’t shocked to hear this, she said it in the same whispery way that made me want to hold her tighter which I did and cry even harder. The kind of way that broke my heart when she said it. I knew she didn’t mean for me to actually mean it, she knew I could never love her, and she knew she could never really love me. And yet at the same time, we loved each other more than anyone could in there lifetimes.

I brought my lips to her ear and tried to force the words past my stubborn throat. I breathed heavily into it first, hot air blowing over her ear, she shivered noticeably in my arm, a tear ran down her cheek and landed on my bear chest, ‘I love you.’ I said my voice hoarse from disuse and holding in sobbing moans all night.

She smiled briefly after I said it. She snuggled closer to me and wrapped an arm around me in the most loving manner she could do and rested her almost sleeping head into the crack between my neck and chest. ‘I know, I love you too…Derek.’

I pulled the blankets back over us, covering the lie that we didn’t show anyone or would never show anyone. I closed my eyes, and I slept with the smallest of smiles on my lips, knowing I was holding the only girl I could only ever truly love with all my heart and at the same time, the one girl I could never love.

Maybe; one day, I could kiss her just a little bit more lightly, holder her a little bit longer, and one day, which I’ll be counting down to until it comes, I won’t cry and neither will she when our lips fit together perfectly.

Though, until that day, kissing her is all I had left. All I can do to make me feel. All I can do to make sure I’m not falling off the face of the planet and landing into nothing and everything all at once. Kissing her, my body pressed against her, my lips roughly tantalizing and bruising hers. All I have to do, giving out kisses I’m not sure either of us wants. But it’s all I can do. All I can do to make sure I keep breathing. Inhaling, exhaling and repeating each movement, each simple task that gets harder each time.

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a/n: Okay, hope you liked it, i know it's a bit odd but i like it, hope you guys did, plz leave a review!! Good or bad i wanna know what you guys think!! Thanks!!

Till Next Time-