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Chapter 12: On the Forging of New Alliances
Normally, running a bar in the Seireitei was pretty calm. Shinigami were, by-and-large, a pretty calm bunch. Oh, there were a few exceptions, but if one paid attention, one would notice they were almost all in the higher-numbered divisions, the 11th especially. Thus, when it came time to open his bar, Asuza chose to pay the extra money for a location near the 1st division’s headquarters, as far from the madmen as possible. Nearly all his customers were calm, respectable nobles from the 1st Division, and trained, professional security officers from the 2nd. He did a good business, nothing that would make him wealthy, of course, but enough to live (be dead?) on, he suffered few damages to his property, and generally prospered. Things were comfortable and quiet.
Or at least they used to be.
“You know why we do this, right?” The 11th division officer said to Asuza, who, like the rest of his bar staff, had been tied to a table with something that looked suspiciously like a rope made of beef jerky. “We are on a HOLY CRUSADE, and the Goddess demands the finest of sacrifices of lickers… liquorices… drinks. She wants drinks. And she is SOOOOOOOOOOO hot, we GOT to get her some drinks. For her. To drink. You… you… dude? I LIKE this carpet!” The man said, although he wasn’t actually looking at the CARPET so much as the CEILING. Asuza didn’t really know how to answer that, but it turned out to not really matter, since the man passed out shortly afterwards.
“He has reached enlightenment!” said one of the other men who had broken in to steal all the liquor.
“Hail the Goddess!” the others shouted.
One of the waitresses shifted within the inexplicable meat-rope to look at Asuza. “Um… what the Hell?” she asked simply.
“Just shut up, ignore them, and hope they go away.” Asuza said sagely. He watched as two of them began to argue whether or not they should ‘Drink the liquor now’ or ‘bring it back to be blessed by the Goddess’… although to be fair, it was a little doubtful whether they were truly arguing with each other, because they most definitely weren’t LOOKING at each other. “Besides, I honestly think that the less we understand this, the happier we’ll be in that long run.”
“Of course.” Byakuya said, “Ask anything.”
“Well, I just couldn’t help but notice the huge bank of computers.”
“Yes. And?” Byakuya asked.
“Well, it’s just that outside, they don’t even have electric lights on the streets, but inside the building you’ve got sophisticated super-computers, and…”
“Yes, sometimes we have feudal Japanese technology and communication via butterfly; and sometimes we have technology more advanced than anything a mortal could ever dream of.” Hitsugaya said impatiently.
“Captain, stop being rude. She’s a guest.” Byakuya said.
“What? We’ve been over this before! Besides, you know if she keeps asking about the supercomputers, eventually she’s going to bring up the Captain Komamura, and we don’t have time to be discussing the nuances of why one person, in all the world, looks like a fox.”
Byakuya sighed. “Good point.”
“Why DOES he look like a fox?” Orihime asked.
“… well, actually, I’ve always thought that maybe Captain Kurosutchi had something to do with it.” Hitsugaya said. “I mean, that seems like something that could happen, right? It would be like him to screw up some poor guy, make him look like a fox, then just toss him back out into the world.”
“Maybe he’s a mutant? You know, like the X-men?” Orihime suggested.
“Oh, come now. This isn’t a comic book.” Hitsugaya said. Then his eyes widened. “Um… I mean… uh…”
“Shhhhhhh!” Byakuya hissed.
Nobody said anything for a few seconds, looking around nervously to make sure they hadn’t accidentally destabilized reality.
“I vote,” Byakuya said after nothing went wrong, “That we change the subject.”
“Agreed.” the other two quickly said.
“Now, Lady Orihime, you are probably wondering why we’ve brought you here.” Byakuya said.
“Well, it crossed my mind, but then I noticed that this house is sort of drab, and I’ve been trying to think of ways to decorate it.”
“EXCELLENT.” Hitsugaya said happily. “Lady Orihime, you are a marvel. By failing to question why we have dragged you to another dimension in favor of considering interior decorating, you have once again proven that your mind works absolutely perfectly for the purposes of this assignment.”
“Aw, thanks…” Orihime said, blushing.
“Don’t thank us yet, Lady Orihime. For even with the considerable power and knowledge at our fingertips, there is a chance that none of us will survive the battle to come. We know for certain that without your tactical mind, we would not have even that slim hope.” Byakuya said somberly.
Orihime blinked a few times. “… … … tactical mind?” she said in confusion.
Hitsugaya smiled. “PERFECT,” he said.
“And now, Lady Orihime, it is time we reveal the horror we require your aid to combat.” Byakuya interrupted. He accessed his computer, bringing up the extensive file on Yachiru. The happy little pink-haired girl appeared on the screen, smiling cheerfully.
Orihime stared at it for a few seconds.
“… you can’t be serious.” Orihime said bluntly.
“Yes, it’s difficult to believe how terrifying she is, isn’t it?” Byakuya said in a hushed tone. “I feel as though I’m staring into the cold, merciless eyes of death itself…”
“She’s like, ten years old.”
“Actually, she’s closer to around three-hundred.” Hitsugaya said.
“Still, I mean… have you ever talked to her? She’s a child. What could she have possibly done to merit all this?”
“Well, she…” Hitsugaya began.
“A CHILD?” Byakuya asked in disbelief. “LOOK at it, Lady Orihime. Gaze into its souless eyes, and tell me… is THIS a child?!” he said, pointing at a picture of Yachiru eating some cotton candy and smiling cheerfully.
“… yes.” Orihime said.
“… … … all right, I admit this isn’t the best image to properly convey the depths of this creature’s horror. But I will tell you, that horror is THERE.” Byakuya said desperately.
“Captain Kuchiki, maybe I should do the talking on this subject. I realize that you have been scarred by your dealings with Yachiru…” Hitsugaya began.
“THE Yachiru.” Byakuya said meaningfully. “Calling her just ‘Yachiru’ makes her sound too… human…”
“See? That’s what I mean. You’re scaring Lady Orihime.”
“She NEEDS to be scared.” Byakuya replied steadfastly. “She has no idea of the power and terror we face.”
“And we’re not gonna convince her by acting like terrified three-year-olds! We need to approach this from a logical perspective.”
“It sounds kind of like you two really lost track of ‘logical perspectives’ awhile ago.” Orihime said doubtfully. “It’s really starting to sound like you’re asking me to help you kill Yachiru.”
“Not kill. If I wanted to kill her, I’d be having this discussion with Captain Soi Fon… from a safe distance. No, we merely need to lure her into a situation wherein she will be… incapacitated for a few days, a week at most. That will serve our purposes nicely.” Hitsugaya said, choosing his words carefully to avoid sounding insane.
“… so you want to kidnap her.”
“Nooooo! Not at all!” Hitsugaya said, shaking his head to emphasize that what he had in mind was TOTALLY not kidnapping. “We just want to clandestinely steal her from her legal guardians and hold her captive for an undetermined period of time! … … crap, that’s kidnapping, isn’t it.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so we DO want to kidnap her. But we’re not going to hurt her, and it’s for a good cause!” Hitsugaya said.
“What good cause?” Orihime asked.
“To annihilate the entire 11th division.” Byakuya said bluntly.
“… … You see, that’s why I wanted to do the talking.” Hitsugaya muttered, seeing Orihime’s terrified expression.
“Well, she was going to figure it out eventually.” Byakuya reasoned.
“HOW?! It’s not like it’s a terribly obvious motivation!” Hitsugaya asked exasperatedly.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think it becomes a little more obvious once you realize that BOTH OF YOU ARE COMPLETELY INSANE.” Orihime said. Turning on her heel, she began to walk for the door.
“Shame about Kurosaki, isn’t it?” Byakuya said idly.
“… What?” Orihime asked, stopping her exit in mid-stride.
“Well, it’s just that I couldn’t help but notice you have a certain fondness for him, which he doesn’t seem to return. At least not to the extreme degree you display.” Byakuya said calmly. “It’s possible, just possible, that he may have something blocking his view of what a special girl you truly are.”
“… Go on.” Orihime said suspiciously.
“Well, I couldn’t help but notice that he happens to spend a great deal of time with my younger sister. And Ichigo… well, he’s a teenager. And he routinely goes into battle with Rukia by his side, and this war-born comraderie, combined with his youthful hormones…” Byakuya continued. “Well, it’s possible that this time spent together has caused young Kurosaki to develop an attachment to Rukia… an attachment that, by all rights, should be given to you. You deserve it, after all; you’re an amazing young woman. Demure, modest, beautiful, and clever.” Byakuya said.
“… … … … that’s true.” Orihime agreed, after thinking about it for a few seconds.
“It certainly is. Unfortunately, young Kurosaki’s silly, hormonal obsession with my sister has caused him to somehow miss how truly amazing you are. That’s sad. Isn’t that sad, Captain Hitsugaya?” Byakuya asked.
“Totally sad.” Hitsugaya agreed somberly.
“You know… that IS sad!” Orihime said. “I mean, I’m great!”
“You certainly are.” Hitsugaya agreed.
“So great, that you should be able to have any man you want. And you want Kurosaki, right?” Byakuya chimed in.
“Right!” Orihime agreed enthusiastically.
“Well, you should have him, then!” Byakuya said. “But wait… Rukia is in the way, isn’t she?”
“Yeah… yeah she is! He’s still obsessed with her!” Orihime said, as though she had come to this conclusion all on her own.
“Yes… yes he certainly is. It’s a shame. Isn’t it a shame, Captain Hitsugaya.”
“Damn shame.” Hitsugaya agreed somberly.
“If only there were some way we could help this fine young lady out. Some way we could get Rukia out of the way, and leave the fine young man of her dreams… all to her.” Byakuya said sadly. “If only there were some way to make SURE that Rukia was taken out of the picture and NEVER, EVER could possibly steal Kurosaki from this fine young lady. Like, I don’t know… the head of her clan forced her into an arranged marriage with a proper shinigami of noble upbringing. That would be the perfect solution; it would take Rukia out of the running for Kurosaki’s heart, AND it would benefit her family. Rukia wouldn’t even mind; she’s a noblewoman, she knew that one day she would eventually have to marry for that good of the clan. Yes, it would truly be the best solution to this problem.”
“Yeah, that would be great.” Orihime said wistfully.
“If only we had the head of Rukia’s family here to do that…” Byakuya said sadly.
“Waaaaaait… Captain Kuchiki, aren’t YOU the head of Rukia’s family?” Hitsugaya said, with the air of someone who had just solved an immensely difficult riddle.
Byakuya looked down at himself, as though he had never before noticed what family he was in. “Why, I believe I am.”
“That means that you could help this poor girl find true love!” Hitsugaya said.
“You could!” Orihime agreed.
“Yes… yes I believe I could.” Byakuya said. “If, of course, this poor girl were to do ME a favor in return…” he said, glancing meaningfully at his anti-11th-division computer bank.
Orihime looked at it too. “… … … sooooo… we’re just gonna kidnap her for a few days, then let her go?”
“That’s all.” Byakuya agreed.
“And nobody get’s hurt?”
“Honestly, if we go by how my week has been progressing so far, the only one likely to be hurt in this operation is me.” Hitsugaya said sadly.
“… ... … And you’ll find Rukia a good husband? I don’t want her to get married to a jerk.” Orihime said.
“Of course!” Byakuya said confidently. “I’ve already got a perfect choice. He’s noble, wealthy, a vice-captain in the Gotei 13, incredibly fat… er, I mean, he’s healthy. Quite healthy. Yes, he’ll be a good husband to Rukia and a fine addition to the Kuchiki clan.”
Hitsugaya’s eyes widened. “The 2nd division lieutenant? That fat guy? You’d really marry your sister to that guy?”
“Why not?”
“… you’ve met him, right?”
“All right, all right. So maybe he’s not the best choice after all… although I will miss the obscene amount of money he’d bring with him. The point is, I’ll think of SOMEONE, and it’ll be someone good. Do we have your support?” he asked, turning back to Orihime as he did so.
Orihime seemed to be thinking it over, chewing on her lower lip and looking distraught.
“You know, you and Kurosaki will be graduating from high school soon. If you don’t hurry, you won’t have enough time to make him your high school sweetheart, and that’ll make it harder to marry him later…” Byakuya said idly.
“I’m in.” Orihime said firmly.
Zaraki was beginning to notice something was a little off.
For starters, nearly every single one of his officers were drunk. That, in and of itself, wasn’t terribly unusual; they were often drunk. But none of them were drunk in a BAR, and that was very odd. Further, they were all actually present, in the Division 10 barracks… were they were SUPPOSED TO BE.
His officers were NEVER where they were supposed to be. They were usually off starting fights, and eating snacks, and gambling… you know, derelicting their duties, like normal people. Zaraki didn’t care much for stupid stuff like protocol, and paperwork, and maintaining an effective security perimeter. If a Hollow happened to show up, then whoever happened to come along to fight it would fight it, and that was cool. A very zen soul, Captain Zaraki was, and that was a philosophy he had passed on to his subordinates. He would have certainly expected SOME of them to be present in the 10th’s barracks, because it was a place to be, and they just randomly showed up at places to be. But for ALL of them to be there… something was clearly wrong.
Furthermore, it looked like some of them were… were TALKING to members of the 10th division, albeit only a few, who were also pretty drunk. That seemed odd too. The 10th division members were sissies, why would they be doing something as cool and laid-back as drinking while on duty? And why were HIS soldiers being nice to them, instead of starting a brawl, like usual?
Something was going very, very wrong amongst his soldiers, and as their Captain, it was his solemn duty to discover exactly what. But with a situation as strange and off-putting as this one, he would have to pursue information with subtlety and care.
Grabbing the nearest person, he picked him up off the floor by his neck with one hand. “What’s going on?” He growled.
“Hey, it’sh cap’n Zarki… Zakrar… it’sh the cap’n!” Said the man, cheerfully. “Oooh, but the Goddessh shaid we shouldn’t talksh to yoush. Sorry.”
“Ah. Well, if you’re not supposed to talk to me, that’s okay. I totally understand.” Zaraki said happily.
Then he slammed the guy completely through the nearest wall.
“All right, anyone else not wanna talk?” He asked in the same happy tone.
Even the drunks got the hint.
After smashing a few more people through walls (Not for any particular reason, he just enjoyed doing it), Zaraki finally came upon the 10th division’s cafeteria, which he had determined was the center of the strange force that had taken over his division. There were some guards in place, but they were actually even more intoxicated than the average person hanging around the barracks seemed to be, and were in no condition to stall Zaraki… although to be fair, it wasn’t as though they could have possibly even slowed him down, even if they were completely sober. He simply walked past them and opened the door. His one exposed eye widened when he saw what was inside.
For starters, the whole room smelled like a distillery. Bottles of alcohol that looked like they’d been stolen from half the bars in the Seireitei were scattered around in huge piles, some of them empty, some of them still full of liquor. Scattered amongst the piles of discarded bottlers were several Shinigami, mostly from the 11th division, who had clearly been hard at work emptying those bottles.
Oh, and the entire room had been remade to look like some sort of ancient temple, and there was a large group of people worshipping his new apprentice, what’s-her-name.
“Halt, unbeliever! You have entered ::hic:: holy ground!” Matsumoto proclaimed rather shakily. “I command upon you to leave, before I… before… well, I’m gonna do somethin’. And it’ll be WRATHFUL.”
Zaraki drew his sword.
“On the other hand,” Matsumoto said, “It’s a free country, who’s to say you can’t walk anywhere you want? I mean, you’re not a member of my religion, so you can hardly be bound by its scriptures. Go ahead and stay, if you want.” Matsumoto said much more lucidly.
Zaraki narrowed his eye. “Are you even drunk?”
“Several centuries of intense alcoholic consumption have left me with the ability to pretty much shrug intoxication off at will.” Matsumoto said primly.
“I don’t think alcoholism works that way… but then, I guess I also have to factor in that we’re all actually dead, so fair enough. Now, moving on…” Zaraki gestured to the group of people kneeling at Matsumoto’s feet, worshipping her and totally ignoring the conversation she was having. “What’s all this?”
“Oh, well, these people are sorta worshipping me as a goddess, and I’ve been manipulating them to get free drinks, because I was hammered.”
“But you just said you weren’t…”
“I know, but saying that I did something as ridiculous as inspiring a cult to worship me just to get free drinks? It sounds a whole lot better if I say ‘I’m drunk’, as opposed to the real truth, which is just that ‘I’m really irresponsible when I’m not actively on assignment, and I sort of felt like doing it’.” Matsumoto admitted.
“Uh-huh. So you’ve started your own religion on whim?” Zaraki asked.
“Well, not really 'started' so much as 'taken over for my own selfish purposes'. I mean, they were worshipping the OVEN. I just figured I could put them to better use. I know, I know, it’s irresponsible, and I should be doing paperwork or something, but…”
“What the Hell are you babbling about?” Zaraki interjected. “This is totally awesome! Acting on a whim and doing crap that doesn’t make sense for no reason other than personal amusement? That’s the spice of life! I knew there was a reason I took you under my wing!”
“Oh, that’s right, you’re not MY Captain, you're the psychotic one!” Matsumoto said.
“And proud of it!”
“Well… you wanna join my cult? They’re a lot of fun. Hey, watch this.” Putting on her drunken and domineering ‘Goddess’ persona, Matsumoto said, “MY LOYAL FOLLOWERS! Your Goddess… that’s me, right? Yeah, that’s me. Well, I accept your gifts of drinkses. BUT… could I get some pretzels, hmmmm? Could use some pretzels.”
“The Goddess demands pretzels! TO WAR!” Several of the gathered worshippers roared, running (albeit not in a straight line) to go find and rob a pretzel store.
“Isn’t that COOL?” Matsumoto squealed. “So, you want in? You can be, like, my high priest or something.”
Zaraki grinned. “Heh. Why not? Could be fun.”
“Are you okay, Mr. Toshiro?” Orihime asked, concern evident in her voice.
“So… this may sound a little odd, but did either of you just get the feeling that something has gone horribly, irreparably WRONG?” Hitsugaya asked.
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