Author’s Note: I was looking over my account, and I couldn’t help but notice that this story, by itself, accounts for more than half the reviews that all of my stories have ever gotten. It has more than triple the reviews of the second-highest reviewed story.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: I love you guys.

Author’s Note 2: Nobody actually cares, I’m sure, but the only reason I didn’t start calling Halibel ‘Harribel’ at the same time I added the second R to ‘Starrk’ is that she ended up being a somewhat more important character than I initially planned, so I decided to stick with what I’d been calling her. Also, I think Halibel is a better name.

Chapter 28: It’s Possible this Whole Situation got a Little Weird at Some Point.

Ulquiorra and Zommari sat in the therapist’s room. Neither of them looked happy to be there, although in Ulquiorra’s case that may have just been because he never looked anything to be anywhere.

“All right, might as well bite the bullet.” The therapist said. She no longer appeared to be taking the sessions nearly as seriously as she had been; this was because she no longer was taking them seriously. “Mr. Leroux. How did your encounter with the Shinigami make you feel?”

Zommari looked at Ulquiorra, who patted his sword. Zommari sighed, scribbled something down on a small piece of paper, and handed it to Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra read it, nodded once, and said, “No, you may not say this.”

Zommari frantically erased it and wrote something new.

“No.”

Again.

“No.”

Again.

“If you’re not going to say anything relevant, there is no need for you to speak at all.” Ulquiorra said firmly.

Again.

“No, you… wait… this actually makes sense. Logical progression of thoughts, relevant to the topic at hand, it doesn’t look like the sort of dialogue that would typically be shouted at the top of your lungs... yes. Yes, Zommari, I grant you my permission to speak these words.” Ulquiorra said in a satisfied tone.

Zommari smiled in satisfaction.

The therapist, in spite of herself, leaned forward with interest. What, exactly, had he written that was worth speaking? What pearls of wisdom would leap from his mouth?

Zommari opened his mouth.

“Why won’t you take my love?!” He wailed.

Ulquiorra, his face as close to annoyance as it ever got, raised a single glowing finger.

After the Cero had blasted Zommari through the wall and out of the fortress completely, the therapist shifted some loose rubble off herself and coughed up a little dust. “That wasn’t what he wrote down, I take it?”

“You might say that.” Ulquiorra agreed.

“So,” Soi Fon said. “I’m really not sure who I should kill first.”

“Might I suggest…” Ukitake began.

“I’m kidding of course. You’re first.” Soi Fon said cheerfully.

“… charming.”

“Don’t worry, Jushiro! I’ll save you!” A familiar voice said.

“… ugh. When did you regain consciousness?” Soi Fon asked, wincing as she did.

Kyoraku gave a smile as best he could through the numerous bruises. “The sight of a beautiful woman tying people up has reinvigorated me, Soi Fon! You have sown the seeds of your own destruction!”

Ukitake sighed. “You know, the sad thing is that I actually kind of believe that.”

“Now that my powers have returned, I believe it’s time for me to end this charade.” Shunsui said, with a confident chuckle.

Soi Fon punched him in the gut.

“ULF! Oh, god, I think you broke something…” Kyoraku said, doubling over in agony.

“That’s what I thought.” Soi Fon said. “Now, I was going to kill Ukitake first, but I’m all out of rope so I think you’ve just moved to the top of the list. Hold still…”

“Hahaha… not so fast, Soi Fon! I still have one card left to play!” Kyoraku said.

“… okay, fine. None of the other cards were any good, so I might as well let you play this one. What do you got?” Soi Fon said frankly.

“Prepare…” Shunsui said dramatically, “To face the power of my Zanpakuto! Flowered Breeze Flutters, Flowered…” He began.

Soi Fon kicked him in the face.

“OW! Oh, OW! What the Hell was that for?!”

“You were going to say that entire stupid poem. I decided I didn’t feel like waiting for you to do that.” Soi Fon said.

“No! That is a bad ninja, that is a bad, bad ninja!” Kyoraku chastised her. “You have to let me finish my release command. It’s a rule!”

“He’s right, you know. That’s just how we do things around here.” Ukitake said apologetically. “Otherwise, things would be unfairly biased in favor of the people who have commands like ‘snap’ and ‘dance’. We can’t play favorites.”

Soi Fon sighed in annoyance. “Fine. Do your stupid poem so I can make you eat your own swords.”

“HA! You’ll regret giving me this chance!” Kyoraku boasted. “Flowered…”

Soi Fon kicked him in the face again.

“OW! Would you stop that?!”

“But you just told me I would regret giving you the chance. So I decided not to give it to you.” Soi Fon said, her tone suggesting this course of action was blatantly obvious. And remarkably, for the first time in awhile, her tone was correct.

“You probably shouldn’t have said that, Shunsui.” Yamamoto said mildly.

“Kick him again!” Zaraki said.

“OW! Why?!”

“He asked me to.” Soi Fon said.

“Ha! I like this lady!” Zaraki said cheerfully.

"Could you please stop encouraging her?!"

"Well, I enjoy violence... and ever since I got hung upside down, all the alcohol in my system is rushing to my head... so no." Zaraki said, even more cheerfully.

Soi Fon shrugged. "Don't worry, it's not like I need an excuse to hurt you, Ex-Captain Kyoraku. Here, watch.."

"OW!"

"See? Didn't need an excuse at all."

Ukitake sighed. “Maybe death won’t be so bad after all? I mean, it’s not like it would be my first time…”

“The rules to Eternal Tag are simple.” Nel said. “We chase each other through the desert. Screaming. Forever.”

Yachiru’s eyes widened. “That is the best. Game. Ever.”

Nel nodded enthusiastically. “Isn’t it, though? Nel thought of it herself!”

Yachiru had decided that Las Noches was both boring and sort of lame, and decided some time ago that maybe going outside would be more interesting. At first, she had been very wrong, discovering to her great shock (Yachiru’s long-term memory was not great) that there was nothing outside but an endless desert expanding in all directions.

Then she had met some people who were, and she hadn’t known them long nor did she remember the names of most of them because they were sort of longish, but she still felt like she could call them this: the best people in the universe who weren’t Ken-chan.

First was tall guy. Tall guy was great. He couldn’t exactly remember her name, but that was okay because Yachiru hadn’t actually remembered his name, nor had she actually noticed that he didn’t know hers. Whatever the case was, tall guy was totally fun to be around although Yachiru wasn’t sure why since he wasn’t really good at anything.

Next was fat guy. Fat guy was… hmmmm… actually, fat guy was pretty much the same as tall guy, except he cried more often. But that was all right, whatever.

And of course, big worm. Big worm was a big worm, which would have been more than enough to have earned Yachiru’s admiration all by itself. But you could also ride on top of big worm’s head. Wow.

And finally, Nel. Yachiru remembered Nel’s name because it was nice, and short, and Nel said her own name roughly once every five seconds. This was perfectly fine by Yachiru, who forgot Nel’s name roughly every five seconds and, on at least one occasion, had started to think her own name was Nel. Luckily, Nel was there to remind her who she was, although occasionally Nel got a little confused too, and tall guy and fat guy were no help.

So yeah. It was basically that kind of a meeting.

“Nel can’t tell you how happy she was to meet another Arrancar like herself.” Nel said, patting Yachiru on the shoulder.

“Another what like who?”

“Don’t get Nel wrong, she likes Dondochakka and Pesche…”

“Who and who?”

“… But Nel is happy to have a sister!”

Yachiru’s eyes began to fill up with tears. “Sis… sister? I’ve… I’ve never had any sisters…”

“Well, now you do!”

“Really? Who?” Yachiru asked.

“I… I don’t know.” Nel said.

Silence.

“So, would you like to play Eternal Tag now?” Nel asked.

“Play what?” Yachiru asked.

“… I forget.” Nel said thoughtfully. “Pesche, what were we going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Dondochakka replied.

“Did I ask you?” Nel wondered.

“Did you?” Pesche answered.

“What’s going on?” Yachiru asked.

“I forget.” Dondochakka replied.

“Bwaaaargh.” Bawabawa said.

“Good point!” Yachiru said.

“Who made a good point?” Nel asked.

“Wasn’t it you?” Pesche asked.

Silence again.

“So, who wants to play Eternal Tag?” Nel asked cheerfully.

“What are the rules?”

Ulqiorra stared at the ceiling. He didn’t say anything.

The Arrancar Therapist cleared her throat, but she also didn’t say anything.

This continued for a long, long time. A long, silent time.

“So… um… did you actually want any therapy?” The therapist said, reasoning that even if she wasn't a real therapist, she should at least make a tiny effort to act like one, and talking was a good start to that.

“No.”

“And how were you planning to deal with your phobia? I'm just curious, is all. I mean, I thought this entire thing was your idea."

“I never actually feared the Shinigami. I simply realized that even if he truly has lost the madness that made him so powerful, he has enlisted Halibel as an ally. She outranks me, and if I had tried to attack him by myself, she would have ripped me to pieces. I would prefer to leave her to one of the higher-ranked Espada, so I thought it would be prudent to get them treated first.”

The therapist nodded. “And you’re not just making this entire story up to make yourself sound cooler?”

“… … … I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You’re sure you don’t want any therapy?”

“You’re not actually a therapist, so it wouldn’t really matter if I did.”

“Oh, you knew about that?”

“Unlike some of the other Espada… most of the other Espada… all of the other Espada, I actually pay some attention to the world around me.” Ulquiorra said.

“I see. That must be tough.”

“How so?”

“Well, having to spend time with those people. Talk to them. Not just for a little bit, but to spend time in long meetings with them. For hours at a time…” The therapist said, her voice drifting off. "I mean, I can barely handle them for a few minutes at a time. To have to be near them all the time..."

Ulquiorra looked around the room, as if to make sure that there was nobody hiding in the room with them. Then, with a twinge of something that might have been emotion in his eyes, he said, “I hate them. All of them. I hate them all so much, you have no idea.”

“Oh, I think I have a rough estimate.”

“Were you aware that Grimmjow and Nnoitora have both challenged me to a duel every day since we’ve met? They have no reason to do so, they just do that to all of the Espada who outrank them. I don’t know why. Some insane urge to prove they should be higher numbers, or maybe they just enjoy getting their heads smashed into the ground repeatedly by people much more powerful than they are.”

“Having talked to them, I can honestly say it’s probably a little of both, mixed with a heaping helping of 'completely stupid'.”

“And they’re not the worst. Barragan insists on us treating him like he’s the god-king of the universe, Starrk is completely useless for anything that doesn’t manage to personally catch his interests... and we have yet to discover anything that does catch his interests, or if he even truly has any interests to catch... Yammy is a rampaging moron, Zommari is… well, you’ve met Zommari.” Ulquiorra said, gesturing to the hole in the wall from when he’d blasted Zommari out of the building. “Aaroniero and Szayel are just… odd. They are odd, odd people, and I do not enjoy spending time with them. And to make matters worse... had you asked me yesterday, I would have told you the Halibel was the only vaguely likable one out of the bunch. And now, I can't say that about her. I am utterly alone in a sea of lunatics, idiots, and idiotic lunatics.”

“That must be very hard for you.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t sometimes have the feeling that Lord Aizen arranged it that way on purpose, specifically to toy with my head for no reason. He…”

“… does that sometimes.” The therapist finished, her own shoulders slumped in depression.

“You know, the more I consider this, the more I think that perhaps I do need a therapist."

“Look, I’m not a professional. But I say: if you have all of these emotions inside, bottling them up isn’t going to help in the long run. There’s no reason not to let them out.”

“You do realize that, as a Hollow, if I truly released all of my pent up feelings and emotions, the first thing I would do is kill and eat you, a smaller, weaker Hollow?” Ulquiorra asked.

“… … … actually, bottle them up. Bottle up all your emotions. And as for your phobia? Bottle that up too. There’s no way that could be unhealthy. Bottle the crap out of it.” The therapist said in abject terror.

“Don't worry. I was probably going to do that no matter what you said.”

Hitsugaya sat in the corner, clutching his head in his hands. “Why… why… why?!”

Halibel patted him on the back. “It’s all right, milord. We shall find your missing slave and escape soon.”

“You know the worst part of it? I don’t even give a damn about her. I couldn’t care less if we find Yachiru or not, personally. In fact? I think I’d be happier if we didn’t. I don’t like her. But then there’s… this.” Hitsugaya said, waving his arm at Las Noches in general. “If there’s one thing I hate more than Yachiru… and I didn’t think there was, but it might have finally happened… it’s this castle. I really, completely, loathe this castle. I think the only reason I’m still looking for Yachiru at all is that I refuse to allow this castle to defeat me.”

“Why? I mean, other than the largeness, it’s not such a bad…” Matsumoto began.

“I also despise this castle, milord.” Halibel interrupted. “Might I say that I admire your taste in recognizing its awfulness?”

“… … I am going to stab you. Stab you so much.” Matsumoto said.

“It’s not that the castle is way, way too large. I mean, don’t get me wrong: it is.” Hitsugaya said. “Why would anyone have a fortress the size of a major city? It’s pointlessly inefficient. I mean, the Seireitei is the size of a city because it is a city. But Las Noches here is even bigger than that, and there’s only… what, two-hundred people here?”

“… a little less than that, actually.” Halibel admitted.

“You see?! You see?!” Hitsugaya said desperately. “It makes no sense! Let me ask you, Halibel…”

Halibel sighed. “He knows my name…” She said in a dreamy voice.

“… has Aizen ever wondered why anyone and their mother can just walk into his fortress? Because I’ve got a clue: he’s got an army the size of a football team trying to defend an area the size of a small country. Of course, I imagine that their invasion will be halted by this freaking architecture! I mean, look at this!” He said, gesturing around the room they were in. “This room is full of pillars! Nothing but pillars! Why?”

“They hold up the ceiling?” Ikkaku theorized.

“They don’t even reach the ceiling!”

“… huh. Well, I guess they… huh.” Ikkaku said.

“There is literally no purpose for this room! Who builds a room full of nothing but useless pillars?!”

Halibel coughed. “Um… well, Lord Gin said… um… that we should put in good places for fight scenes. You know, big empty spaces, places filled with destructible objects, that sort of thing.”

Hitsugaya’s eye began to twitch. “Oh… oh God, I wasn’t actually serious. I… I assumed there must have been some purpose! You’re legitimately saying that this fortress was designed to have places where the battles would look better, rather than being designed to make the battles easier to win?! You are actually saying this?!”

Halibel held her hands up defensively. “It wasn’t my idea, milord! And my own quarters are far less ridiculous!” She fell silent in thought for a moment. “In fact, why don’t I show them to you? Perhaps they will make you like this castle. They are quite tastefully decorated. My bed is particularly nice. I could let you examine it in detail. For several hours. With EEK!” Halibel said as Matsumoto clamped a hand onto her ear and dragged her away from Hitsugaya.

“I have to put up your presence. But there’s only so much creepiness I’m willing to put up with in a day.” Matsumoto said calmly.

“I was just saying that I would be perfectly willing to allow Lord Hitsugaya to conduct an in-depth inspection of my bedchambers! And if I happened to be there while this happened, and the door was locked from the inside and some romantic music was playing and a bottle of expensive wine just happened to be there, that would certainly be no fault of mine.”

Matsumoto looked somewhat lost. “… what did I just say about creepiness?!”

“Ah. Then you really don’t want to hear what I will have done to you in order to get this alone time with my lord.” Halibel said primly.

Matsumoto stepped back.

Ikkaku yawned and turned to Ayasegawa. “You know… we haven’t actually done anything in like… six hours, have we?”

“I’ll confess, I thought we would have found Yachiru by now.” Ayasegawa admitted.

“We’re looking for Yachiru?”

Ichigo leapt from rooftop to rooftop, looking for something to do. Anything, really. Anything at all.

No way it could possibly go wrong. Really.

“Okay.” Kyoraku said, sporting several new bruises and holding two massive swords. “Now that I’ve… finally… been allowed to release my Shikai…”

“It’s your own fault for having a long command.” Soi Fon said petulantly.

“… it’s time for me to finally step into the limelight! Finally, the one to end your reign of terror has arrived, Soi Fon!” Kyoraku proclaimed dramatically.

“I’ll go out with you if you drop your swords.” Soi Fon said.

Kyoraku dropped his swords.

“Shunsui!” Ukitake snarled.

Kyoraku picked up his swords. “Sorry, sorry.” He said. “HA! Did you think that would work?”

“It did work. I just don’t respect you enough to take advantage of every one of the countless, countless openings you leave.” Soi Fon said.

“Your tune will change once I show you my Zanpakuto’s true power!” Kyoraku said.

Soi Fon kicked him in the face.

“OW! Oh, ow! Would you stop that?!”

“No.”

“Kick him again!” Zaraki cheered.

Soi Fon kicked him again.

“OW! Oh, that is it, I am going Shikai on this bitch.” Kyoraku growled. “Prepare to face Katen Kyokotsu’s true power!”

Soi Fon yawned. “Which is?”

“Heh, heh, heh… my Zanpakuto has the power… to make children’s games into reality.”

Soi Fon blinked in confusion a few times. “… … … … really?”

“Heh… it’s actually dangerous to me as well. Everyone caught within the area of my sword’s power has no choice but to play by its games, even me.” Kyoraku said.

“… … … … really?” Soi Fon asked.

“Once the sword has picked a game, both I and my opponent must play. The winner gets… to live.” Kyoraku finished dramatically.

“… … … … really?” Soi Fon asked.

Ukitake sighed. “Yes. Yes, really.” He said reluctantly.

“That is… that doesn’t even sound real.” Soi Fon complained.

“Oh, you will see the truth of my power… right now!” Kyoraku said, holding aloft his twin blades. They howled with intense power.

“Very well! The game is… ping pong!” Kyoraku said. A table appeared from nowhere, and his two swords turned into paddles, one of which he handed to Soi Fon.

“… you cannot be serious.”

"I am completely serious!"

"I hate you. I hate you so much."

He smiled and held up the ball. “My serve.”

Aaroniero said, “Sometimes I feel like I’ve been overlooked, is all. I mean, at first, I was really happy. I mean, I’m really just a Gillian, but I’m still in the Espada, and that’s a huge honor, you know? But I feel that even though I’m an Espada, nobody really takes me seriously.”

“… I’m sorry.” The therapist said. “I just… how do you pronounce your name again?”

Aaroniero sighed. “Aaroniero Arrer… errieu… ugh, you know what? Let's just go with Arleri. Aaroniero Arleri.”

The therapist said, “… yeah, I’m still not sure. Maybe if you stopped talking in that crazy 'two voices at once' thing that you do?”

“Look, that’s just how my voice sounds. I can’t help it if I have two heads.”

“Yes, yes, two heads in a fishbowl, I forgot. That was rude of me, sorry I brought it up.” The therapist said. “So, when did these feelings of inferiority start?”

“I don’t have feelings of inferiority! Why, I am a full-fledged Espada, and I am the only Arrancar with the power of limitless evolution! By devouring other Hollows, I have acquired over 30,000 distinct powers!”

“Oh? What are some of them?”

“I have the full power of the Shinigami Kaien Shiba! Also I have tentacles! Also, I have 29,998 other powers!” Aaroniero said.

“… that was oddly nonspecific.”

“You are oddly nonspecific!”

“What?”

“Your mom is oddly nonspecific!”

“What are you talking about?”

Aaroniero fell silent for a moment… then began to cry. “All right! I admit it! Every single Hollow I’ve ever eaten has only had the power to have tentacles! Kaien is actually the only real power I really have!”

“Wow. Really? Then how did you get on the Espada?”

“I don’t know!” Aaroniero said mournfully. “I just told Lord Aizen I had 30,000 powers, and he believed me! He didn’t ask me to demonstrate any of them, he just branded some tattoos on me and called it a day! I don’t know what he was thinking… maybe he was drunk, maybe he wasn’t paying attention, maybe…

The therapist sighed, “… he was just screwing with your head for fun?”

“Yeah, maybe! Whatever the case, it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me! I’ve been living in mortal terror of being found out ever since that day! I mean, what the Hell am I going to do? I’m gonna get kicked out of the Espada, I’ll have to go live with that jackass Dordonii and the others in the Super Losers Club… I’m sorry, that’s what we call the Privaron Espada.”

“I was able to guess that.”

“Shinigamiphobia? HA! My entire life is one big case of everythingphobia! You know I sometimes sit up at night praying that if Hueco Mundo is ever invaded, it will be by people Kaein Shiba could beat? Because that way I could look useful, and then maybe people will stop asking me to show off one of my 30,000 powers! It’s been a nightmare!” Aaroniero sobbed.

The therapist patted him consolingly on the shoulder. “If it makes you feel better, that’s actually a much better reason to need therapy than anyone else today has had.”

As Hitsugaya watched Halibel and Matsumoto exchange what seemed to be their fiftieth death-glare that second, Momo stare vaguely into space, Ikkaku and Ayasegawa discuss what they wanted for dinner, and Gin being bound and gagged, something inside of him snapped.

“You know what? You know what? I’m done. With this mission, this place, and you people. I have had enough of all of this.” Hitsugaya said.

“What? Look, I’m frustrated too, but we can’t just…” Matsumoto began.

“Excellent plan, milord.” Halibel said.

“You see, Hally, that’s the kind of thinking that gets people made third seat. Good job.” Hitsugaya said to Halibel. She was probably smiling, and definitely blushing. “I mean, let’s face it: we are not finding Yachiru. The longer we stay here, the more potential for something to go wrong, so we really should get out of here while we still can. Look at it this way: you came in with five people. You’re leaving with six. That’s what you planned to do anyway, right? It’s not your fault they weren’t the exact six you planned on. Plus, we’re killing Gin before we leave. So in the end, you’ve done a great thing here, Matsumoto. I’m recommending you for a commendation.”

“Oh! Well, that’s great, it’s nice to be… wait, wait! You’re trying to distract me!” Matsumoto said. “Clever, quite clever…”

“There’s no need to distract me, milord. I will follow any course of action you deem best.” Halibel said serenely. “Even if it is foolish, like a certain… choice in subordinates…”

“Oh, that is it. I can put up with you whoring it up for the Captain, but if you don’t cut out this ‘angling for my job’ crap, I swear by all that is holy I will slice open your perfect, perfect skin!” Matsumoto snapped.

“Try it, wench! I’ll strangle you with your own amazing hair!” Halibel said.

Hitsugaya stepped between them and held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Yes, that’s wonderful, you’re both pretty, how nice. Here’s what we’re going to do…”

“Milord, which of us is prettier, in your…”

“Well, that’s not even a choice, obviously the Captain prefers…” Matsumoto began.

“Here’s what we’re going to do!” Hitsugaya snapped. “I am going to open one more door. If Yachiru is there, we take her with us. If she is not, we leave and never come back. And either way, I swear I will leave anyone who complains behind to rot with Gin’s corpse after I stab him to death.”

“Mmmmmmf!” Gin protested.

“Shut up, Gin.” Hitsugaya said. He then, true to his word, chose a door at random and opened it.

On the other side, his own arm outstretched as if to reach for the doorknob that had just moved out of his reach, stood Sosuke Aizen.

Aizen blinked a few times.

Gin started to laugh.

Hitsugaya sighed and rubbed his temples. "Well, that's... that's just great. That's just great."

And Gin just laughed harder.