Authoress' Notes: Okay, last chapter had a lot of skipping around, but that's 'cause I was a little lazy. Due to the ridiculous amount of stuff that happens before you actually get to Chapter 2, this one won't be as eventful, eheheh.

Super College Rule Pikario!

Chapter 3: A Floozy Joins the Ranks!

"Well, this is unfortunate," said a certain Glameow, as she fixed her glasses. "Seems you got your ass handed to you by a Pikachu. How pathetic."

"I dunno wut happened! I though I 'ad 'em on the run! REALLY!"

"Lol, you got pwned, said Count Black," said Count Black.

"I already sent Mimi some spam, so she should be like, y'know, in the zone about what to do now. She won't fail like some other evil minion."

"EXCELLENT! I've also gone and haxed Mimi, making her invincible against all attacks! BWAHAHA!"

"Yes. With our l33t skillz, we should defeat the hero in no time. And even less if we just hax everything."

"Your plans, they amuse Count Black! Excuse me while I go off to make more evil plans, then sorrowfully regret the plague I have just caused!"

Nastasia sweatdropped. "Yeah, you do that..."

Peach woke up in this really weird place and yawned. "Ah, what a great nap. It was almost as fun as passing out! Now comes the, as Pikario calls it, 'hangover' part! How fun!"

"Fun? Man, what a noob. How someone like you became a princess is beyond me!" remarked a Hammer Bro who appeared the fuck out of nowhere. He was accompanied by an ordinary old Koopa, as if anyone cared.

She pointed at the Totodile Hammer Bro guy. "YOU! Quick! Tell me what time is it, and where the reception is!"

"...Reception?"

The Koopa shrugged. "Forget it, man. This lady's lost it."

"Anyway, it appears that we're stuck in a swirling vortex of doom somewhere between Heaven and Hell, so we should probably leave now."

"Yeah, I'm all for passing out on account of random, exploding weddings, but I've had enough for one day. We need to find Bowser and split before we're all brainwashed, turned into zombies, or sent off to college! The horror!"

Peach stomped her foot. "Not until I get my present! I got married, for cryin' out loud! At least a toaster! MY KINGDOM FOR A TOASTER!"

"Okay, um..." The Hammer Bro scratched his head. "Bowser has one. Yeah, a honeymoon present. Follow this guy and find him, not like you ever will, but knock yourselves out. I'm sure nothing else will happen that can make this any worse."

The Koopa sweatdropped. "The crap?! Dude, I don't know nothing about escorting a princess! And I thought we left no Koopa behind!"

"And wouldn't it make more sense if you escorted me? Aren't you stronger than him?"

"Are you nuts?! You two are sure to get killed!" The Hammer Bro ran off in the other direction. "Screw Bowser and the both of you! I'm getting out of here before I get pwned like the noobs you are!"

With that, Peach grabbed the Koopa and dashed off! "Yay! I'm finally gonna get my toaster! And when I do, I'll make cheeseburgers!"

Peach sighed. "I really want that toaster. Don't you want a toaster? Toasters are so awesome. They're like puppies, but smarter."

"...Oh, yeah." The Koopa groaned. "We're boned. There's no way we're gonna get outta this place and it's all that guy's fault! I swear, Random Hammer Bro #5967B, I'll get you one day! I'LL GET YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"Isn't that him right down there?"

"Huh?"

For once, Peach was right! Right below them was Random Hammer Bro #5967B and he was talking to Nastasia and her gang of brainwashed zombies!

"Look, I'm telling you... Being a zombie's not all that bad. You never have to bathe, your arms and legs are reattachable, and you can eat brains. Serving Count Black on top of that is practically too good to be true, and you know it."

"Lady, you're crazy! No way I'm I gonna be roped into this! Do you know how much sugar is in a brain?! It's ridiculous!"

"...Okay."

Poof! Random Hammer Bro. #5967B was hypnotized!

"MWAHAHA! ALL HAIL COUNT BLACK! ...AND BRAINS! MWAHAHA!"

"See? That wasn't so bad was it?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Koopa jumped off the platform and ran out the door! "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ALIVE, CATWOMAN!"

Nastasia was offended! "Catwoman?!"

"Ooh! Wait up for me!" called Peach, as she followed him. "I don't know where to find a toaster around here!"

"Oh no! The bridge is out! WHAT WILL WE DO?!"

Peach laughed. "Oh, it's not that bad. Can't we like... jump over it, or something?"

"...You need to see a doctor."

"Yeah. We all do, but until we get enough money, why not become a zombie and go to college? The benefits are endless."

The Koopa pointed at Peach. "Take her first! She thinks puppies are dumber than toasters! AND THAT IS NOT RIGHT."

"Madness! But for that 'Catwoman' crack, you're going first!"

Poof! The Random Koopa was hypnotized!

"MWAHAHA! ALL HAIL COUNT BLACK! AND BRAINS! FEED THEM ALL TO ME! I MUST HAVE--!"

"Yes, we get it. Now shut up and hold Peach down while I do the same to her."

"No!" Peach pouted. "Not until I get a toaster!"

"...Toasters are for cavemen, so I'll just hypnotize you now, 'K?"

Just then a Post-it note appeared, covering the princess! SURPRISE!

"Cool! A Post-it note! I used to use these all the time, but then I forget why I needed them in the first place..."

Poof! She suddenly disappeared, taking the Post-it note with her! ...Or is that the other way around?

Nastasia groaned. "Damn those Post-it notes! They're just pieces of paper with adhesive on the back! What's the big deal, anyway?! PDAs are much better! ...Ah, well. Whatever. It's not like she has any place to run, since we're all going straight to Hell, with Count Black driving the bus..."

"...Um, ow?"

"'Ow'?"

"Yes, ow."

"Oh, okay."

"Wait! You're... you're... you're...! You're cute! You're really cute! You're disgustingly cute and I can't stand you! AUGGGGH!"

"So? That's what makes me so irresistible!You should be nicer to me; I'm really quite gentle."

"Gentle and disgusting! I mean, someone like me can't afford to be with something so... cute. It's not in my nature."

"Oh, come off it. Such a scary thing like you needs something cute to balance things out. Plus, I saved your life, therefore you must surrender your immortal soul to me. Mwahaha."

"...I just tripped over a log."

"Still! You could've broken your leg!"

"...But I don't have any legs..."

"Then how'd you trip over that log?"

"Touché... But you? Save one from the Tribe of Scary People? We're a league of our own! Such evil and superior beings would never interact with someone... so cute!"

"Big deal. A Pokémon is a Pokémon, I always say! Even if some of them should have their brains blown out for ever crawling into existence. Besides, it's not like you ran away from an evil religion because you hate your empty, spouseless life, negligent father, and crave to show others you aren't as scary as you let on! I mean, come on!"

"..."

It was from that moment on, I knew I'd bought a one-way ticket to Hell...

Pikario frowned. "Uh, so where we again?"

"We're back in Flipflop, 'Chu. Now do you know what you must do?"

"...No."

Thoreau bounced in the air. "Ooh! Ooh! I do! Ya gotta put the heart thingy somewhere!"

Merlon frowned. "Are you done talking to your little fairies, weirdo?"

"Zip it, loser. I didn't see you out there busting your ass to get these things."

"Exactly. Because I've got dipshits like you to do it for me. Now shut up and listen to my unimportant ramblings about the Light and how waffles are the best food ever."

Unfortunately, before he could begin, a badly-drawn Pikachu busted in, freaking out over something!

"D-dude! It's like... nothing I've ever seen!"

Pikario shrugged. "Two-ply toilet paper?"

"Common sense?" guessed Trippi.

"CHO-CO-LATE PUDDING!" barked Thoreau.

"...Uh, no. It's a girl! She like, fell outta the sky!"

"What?! Really?! Is she hot?!" asked Merlon.

"How am I supposed to know?! She just fell outta the sky! Quick! Come see before I realize I'm just hallucinating!"

"See? She's like... there and stuff. Also, she fell from the sky."

Merlon rolled his eyes. "I know!"

Pikario's jaw dropped. "Peach?!"

"Peach?" Merlon thought for a moment. "Hmm, must be a prostitute."

"Yeah, 'cept she's not as elusive..."

Suddenly, the princess randomly woke up because cooking is evil! "Hi, Pikario!" She waved. "I have no idea what I'm doing here!"

He sweatdropped. "Yeah, that's her, all right..."

"What a strange, little Raichu. She acts as if she has no brain whatsoever. Are all your friends as dumb as you are?"

"Now do you mean that in a good way, a bad way, or in a way where no one really gives a crap?"

Thoreau laughed. "He means in the way that says we'll get toilet paper with banana pudding and BBQ pizza if we're good, little boys!"

Merlon sweatdropped. "...Yes. Let's just go back to my house. I can see this is getting us nowhere..."

"...So you broke your arm at the bank and the monkey wouldn't even give you a receipt? Yes, that is troublesome, but has nothing to do with what you just said. Regardless, I pretty sure no one cares about your problems," grumbled Merlon.

"Oh no!" Peach turned to Pikario. "I couldn't find Bowser or Chuigi! I wonder where they disappeared to?"

"Who cares? Probably off being gay together together."

"Pikario, that's kinda mean! Bowser's not that desperate!"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't put it past him..."

"Everyone, shut up and listen to me," demanded the evil spoon-wielding freak. "Since you've got the Red Virgin Heart, you can go see my cousin-niece-mother-in-law-twice-removed aunt, Merlee. She practice magic and can tell you... stuff."

"But can't you do that, too?" asked Trippi.

"Do I look like doing anything today?! I should say not! Anyway, the Light said something about the Virgin Hearts, and blah, blah, blah. Put it in a Heart Thingy, and you can go to the next world. I have no idea where the damn thing is, despite living here for over 5,000 years, so you'll just have to hax your way there, or whatever. I don't care. Get out of my house."

With that, he kicked them all out!

"Well, that was pleasant..." sarcastically grumbled Pikario.

Peach sighed. "Oh, I still don't have my toaster and that guy's a big meanie! Pikario, can I come with you?"

"Really now? Well, that's a twist! If I don't have to save you from anyone, then what's the point? I might as well just torch that loser's house!"

"But if you don't get the Hearts, then both you and Peach are both screwed," reminded Thoreau. "...And not in a good way.

Pikario gritted his teeth upon realizing this. "Damn it!"

"Does that mean I can come?"

"Fine, whatever. It's better than nothing..."

OMG! Peach has joined you team! Boy, are you in a lot of trouble! At least you can use her Super Uber Parasol to glide over things and survive a freakin' nuclear bomb!

The princess looked up. "Whoa, what a cool announcer voice! Hey, when we save the world, can you come to my reception?!"

Why, sure! I'd love to be the DJ! I can call people out and make fun of their various imperfections! Sweet!

"Uh, what is she going on about?" asked Trippi.

"Don't know. Don't care..."

Pikario grimaced. "You're kidding, right? That's the Heart Thingy we're supposed to be looking for?! It's looks like an unmarked cigarette case!"

"Or a cereal box painted white!" giggled Peach.

"Err, a box for a necklace?" Trippi shrugged, which is impossible because... you know.

Thoreau was going mad!"TOOTH! PASTE!"

WHOOOOOOOOOSH!

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

GLITTER!

...Do I really have to spell it out for you? The next door opened! Okay?! THERE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

So, knowing he had at least 6 other Virgin Hearts ahead of him, his crazy-ass girlfriend, a deluded Pixie-L, a hippie Pixi-L, and absoltuely no idea where he was going or what he'd find, Pikario could only lumber back to that damn tower and prepare for the worst! I mean, come on! Compared to the unproducetiveness of the plot so far, you can't expect that much more to happen, right? ...Right?!