Dudley the Dark Lord continued………..

A/N: I’m gonna close my eyes and type. Let’s see what happens. Muahahaha!!

Chapter 4: Idolitis

“Kill me, I say! It’ll be easy! No, don’t walk away from me like that! Pick up the knife; give it a little thrust…..like this…..and my heart will be impaled. Go on, please do it!!”

Voldemort was on his knees at Dudley’s feet, offering him a shiny pointy knife, pleading to be killed. Why? Well, wouldn’t you if you had been forced to watch two entire seasons of American Idol nonstop, without even getting to pee, and then when you finally finished that, Dudley tells you there’s four more to go!

Snape wasn’t saying anything. He had passed out in his bean bag, looking very frail indeed.

“Nope, you said we could kill Harry Potter together,” Dudley sneered. “And besides, you can’t die coz of your horcruxes.” (Don’t ask how he knows this)

Just to make sure, Voldemort stabbed himself in the heart. Sadly, it didn’t work.

“Alright, you’ve made your point,” he sighed, wrenching the knife from his chest and chucking it out the window.

Bellatrix Lestrange, who had been making annoying googly faces outside the window, unfortunately, had no horcruxes.

“But if I hear just one more Whitney Houston, something’s blowing up,” he added. “Just why do we have to watch all that crap anyway? I told you that you and Snape could work it out just fine without me.”

“Get real, ugly, that was five months ago,” Dudley grumbled. “It didn’t work out! We finally came up with Plan A once I blackmailed Snape into lifting my Harelip Curse.”

“Plan A?”

“Yup.”

“Honestly, I really think it would be better if you just…..surprised me,” the dark lord said. “Me watching Paula Abdul be polite for hours on end is not really helping your cause at all. I get this……awful fluffy feeling inside.” He shuddered, convulsively rubbing his waxy skull.

“We have to study her personality and mannerisms, otherwise Harry Potter won’t be convinced!” When Dudley was passionate about something, he was surprisingly smart.

“And what happens when we are done studying her?” Voldemort was trembling at the answer.

“Snape dresses up as Paula Abdul and seduces Harry, ensnaring him within his…..er….her….er…..his sexy charm!” Dudley hooted.

“Hmmm, and you’ve discussed these features of Plan A with Severus, have you?” Voldemort asked, although inwardly feeling tremendous relief.

“Ah, he’ll find out sooner or later.”

“This is going to work!” Voldemort cried, kissing Dudley. Feeling the cold clammy lips, Dudley looked around for the knife so he could kill himself, but it was still in the garden, sticking out of Bellatrix.

Next Day

All six seasons of American Idol had been watched, and Snape was even paler still; as pale as a marshmallow. He was trembling in the middle of the living room, and Voldemort and Dudley were seated behind a table, watching him closely. He had just emerged from the bathroom, dressed in….well, a dress. A black one with sequins and matching shoes. A wig was perched precariously atop his black, straggly, but at least real hair.

“He really is as pale as a marshmallow isn’t he?” Voldemort muttered to Dudley. “Abdul has a much manlier tan.”

“Right.” Dudley got up and sprayed Snape with some cheap Tan-In-A-Can.

“Gah! My eyes!” Snape rubbed furiously at his now “mahogany” eyeballs with his now “mahogany” fist.

“Shut it, Paul,” snickered Dudley. “This is for the greater good, you know. Now, show me your stuff, girl.”

Sighing, Snape began tip-toeing quaintly around the room on his high heels, one hand held to his face, giving himself an innocent, surprised look. “Hello Harry, it’s me, Paula Abdul, the sympathetic, compassionate, kind, and totally hot judge from American Idol. I’ve wanted to meet you for ever so long!” he said shrilly. Snape puckered his face into what can only be assumed was a smile, dazzling them with his yellowish grey teeth.

“Oh my god,” Dudley croaked. “I think I’m gonna barf!”

“Ok, I was wrong. This isn’t going to work,” Voldemort said, trying hard to hold down his own lunch. “You do have a Plan B don’t you, Dudley?”

Plan B

Harry Potter exited the tent and looked out over the dark forest of who-knew-where, brandishing his wand, ready to stand guard, valiantly keeping his friends from harm while they slept.

“Coz I am just so sweet,” he sighed, hardly containing his affection for himself.

They were somewhere in Britain, looking for Horcruxes. Harry had forgotten why though. Heroes just had so much on their minds when they were being heroic. He sat down in the snow, singing softly to himself.

Straight up now tell me

Do you really want to love me forever oh oh oh

Or am I caught in a hit and run

“I sure am, Paula, my love,” Harry said tragically.

For a couple minutes, Harry watched out for the bad guys, but then he got bored and trundled off into the forest to make a snowman. He rolled three large balls and was just searching the trees for a carrot when something distracted him.

A bright silver light appeared right ahead of him. A beautiful, shimmering silver doe was drifting closer. It tossed its head, beckoning him. It wanted him to come, to follow it.

But Harry didn’t see the doe, he was to busy gazing awestruck at what had really distracted him.

Paula Abdul, standing in the middle of the forest! She dazzled her teeth at him, making the snow seem almost brown.

“Y-you…….” he breathed.

A light breeze blew as she nodded.

Harry was subconsciously moving closer, ogling at her broad smile, her perfect lips, her strawberry hair, her sparkling eyes, her perfect nose, her black sequin dress with matching high heels, her slender arms, her……..

But wait! Could this be a trap? Or a trick to seduce him and ensnare him within her sexy charm?

He shrugged. That couldn’t be. Paula Abdul was known to pop up in random forests during winter in Britain all the time! This was simply a coincidence.

“I’ve wanted to meet you for ever so long!” he drooled, reaching out to touch her perfect smooth skin.

A breeze blew again, and she nodded again.

“I’m you’re biggest fan,” he whispered.

Another breeze, another nod.

“Would you mind….singing me my favorite song, Sexy Thoughts?”

She just smiled at him sweetly, her eyes twinkling.

“We could sing together if you like.”

Breeze. Nod.

“Okay, here we go.” Harry began singing in an off-key tone. Paula trembled slightly.

“Aaaaaaaand if you think you're sexeeeeeeeeeee—!!” Near the end of his song, Harry was interrupted.

“Harry? Oh Harry, where are you?”

“Yeah mate, where are you? I thought you were valiantly keeping guard?”

“Have you wandered off again? Are you being naughty and playing hide and see—oh my!”

Hermione and Ron both stumbled onto the scene and gaped at Harry, then at Paula Abdul, then back at Harry. Hermione put her hands to her mouth in shock. Ron simply goggled and scratched his ear.

“What Is Going On Harry!?” Hermione finally squeaked. “We told you not to wander from the tent. We told you to behave or we would never let you be heroic again!”

“Hermione….Ron….I’d like you to meet….Paula Abdul,” Harry said as though in a daze. He then gave Paula a broad smile, which, she of course, returned.

“Who?” Ron grunted.

“For goodness sakes, Ron, Paula Abdul is an American multi-platinum selling Grammy Award-winning singer, dancer, television personality, jewelry designer, and Emmy Award-winning choreographer, most famous as the very nice, encouraging judge on the highly rated television series American Idol.”

“You and your Wikipedia,” Ron mumbled.

“It was Pop Has-Beens, A History, for your information, so there!” Hermione snapped.

“Still, what’s so dangerous about an American multi-platinum Grammy er…whatever?” Ron shrugged.

“We’re gonna be friends,” Harry cooed.

“Oh please,” Hermione snorted. “Anyone with half a brain can see that she’s a cardboard cutout set in the snow to obviously seduce Harry and entangle him with sexy charm.”

“But she talked to me!”

“She did not! The breeze blew on her, making her appear to nod at you, you idiot!”

“She’s the real thing, I swear. I understand her!” Harry wailed.

“Look!” Hermione stomped over to Paula and gave her a hard poke on the forehead. She promptly toppled over into the snow, making Harry squeal and fall down to caress her cardboard face.

“See! I knew it!” Hermione said triumphantly. “Snape was hiding behind her the whole time!”

And it was true. Severus Snape was crouching directly behind where “Paula” had just been standing, still with mahogany spots spackling his sallow features. “Um…hi!” he giggled weakly.

Hermione gave him an exasperated look and turned to Harry, who was now whispering into Paula’s cardboard ear. “You understand, Harry? Snape! Snape was hiding behind her!”

Harry gave her a passing look. “Professor Snape? He’s cool.”

“No Harry, he’s not. He killed Dumbledore, remember?”

“Whose Dumbledore?” Harry muttered, then went back to fondling Abdul in a very creepy fashion.

“You make me sick,” Hermione sighed, “at least I still have—RON STOP TALKING TO HER!!”

“She is kinda pretty,” he giggled. “Hi gorgeous!”

“Sorry to cut things short,” Snape hissed in his oiliest voice, “But I’m afraid Potter has a date with the Dark Lord. Step aside, mudblood.”

“Not you too, you overgrown cactus!” Hermione screeched. “I don’t have time. Petrifucus Totalus!”

Snape became as stiff as a cardboard cutout of himself which some fans tend to put up in their bedrooms because they are creepy and obsessive.

“Come on, guys! We have to go find those Horcruxes and destroy Voldemort! Hup two! Hup two!” Fire shot from her wand, singeing their rear ends and causing them to shriek and run from her wild rage.

“Why can’t you be more like Paula!” they both screamed as they retreated back towards the tent.

The sounds of banging and squealing faded into the distance. Snape stood still as stone, a venemous grimace plastered over his face. Close by, a heap of snow trembled and then exploded, revealing Dudley.

“Potter has a date with the Dark Lord? Honestly!” he scoffed. “I think Snape now has a date with some ass-whupping after this.”

Before Snape could retort (which he couldn’t anyway) there came the sound of panting and Harry had appeared again.

“I’ll take THAT!” he snapped, and then he snatched up Paula’s cutout body and sprinted back into the forest.

To be continued…….

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