|DRACO MALFOY: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONE SHOT] You've received a DRACO MALFOY unit, but he's giving you a difficult time, and you don't know how to deal with him. This manual's the answer for you! Done with full permission from Theresa Green.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Draco M. - Words: 4,632 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 4 - Published: 05-01-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3516903
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Harry Potter. And I don't own the idea of this story, either; it belongs to the authoress, Theresa Green!
Hello!! I'm back with another of my manuals!! And a Harry Potter one, at that! Yay!! Well, it's been ages since I wrote one of those, and I seriously hope that I haven't lost my touch! Anyway, I'll leave you now to read my second HP manual! Enjoy!!!
Oh, and thanks to Michael for beta-ing this for me, too!
Draco Malfoy : Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of the fully-automated DRACO MALFOY unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your wizard, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Draco Malfoy (a.k.a. The Amazing Bouncing Ferret, Malfoy, Stupid git, etc.)
Date of Manufacture: The 5th of June, 1980.
Place of Manufacture: The United Kingdom.
Parentage: Pure blood
Allegiance: The Inquisitorial Squad, Death Eaters
Age: Comes in six different ages; eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.
Weight: Relatively light.
Your DRACO MALFOY unit will come with the following accessories:
A shiny, Slytherin Prefect badge. (Included with units who are fifteen and sixteen years of age)
A tiny silver pin in the shape of an I, for the Inquisitorial Squad.
A set of black school robes.
A black set of dress robes, with a high collar.
A pointy, black wizard's cap.
A set of school books. (Differs from one age to the other)
A magical wand.
A Nimbus 2001 broomstick. (Included with all units except who are eleven years of age)
A Slytherin Quidditch uniform.
A "Support Cedric Diggory/Potter Stinks" badge.
The Hand of Glory.
A scrap book titled "Weasleys' Most Humiliating Moments".
A House-elf called Dobby. (Included with units who are eleven and twelve years of age)
A jar of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder.
Unpacking Your Unit:
When you first open the box containing your DRACO MALFOY unit, you will notice that his face looks rather pale. Don't worry about it; for this is the DRACO MALFOY unit's natural complexion. It will only colour up on very few occasions...or rather, when he's embarrassed.
Be careful not to mishandle your unit in any way, because he'll probably strike you if you do. You may wish to know that he'll take an extreme liking to you if you call him "Master".
The DRACO MALFOY unit is a smug, pampered, obnoxious character who would rather boss you around than perform any functions on his own. However, if you manage to persuade him into doing stuff for you, he will perform as follows:
A Spell Caster: Your DRACO MALFOY unit is an accomplished wizard who specializes in performing most hexes, jinxes and curses. He performs all those without feeling guilty at all, so you don't have to worry about guilty consciences later on. If you're not interested in those types of spells, rest assured that your DRACO MALFOY unit is also fully capable of performing any sort of charm or spell.
A Potion Brewer: Need to brew a deadly poison for your deadliest enemy? The DRACO MALFOY unit is the man for the job, as he will gladly make any poison for you. Of course, you'd have to be careful not to have him slip the poison "accidentally" into your food, in which case this unit will, after a certain amount of pleading, make an antidote for you. Of course, the DRACO MALFOY can make any other potion; it's just that he loves poisons.
A Pet-Sitter: (Function included with units who are thirteen years of age and above) Your DRACO MALFOY unit has had run-ins with angry Hippogriffs, Blast-Ended Skrewts and many other magical creatures, and is capable of taking care of any pet you leave with him. Of course, keep in mind that your unit might get rather damaged if you give him this job.
Teleporter: (Function included with units who are sixteen years old, only) The DRACO MALFOY will have mastered the art of Apparating and Disapparating by the age of sixteen, and will manage to transport you from one location to another in the blink of an eye, just by holding on to him (This ought to please our female customers). Be careful of unpleasant side-effects such as feeling like you are going to be squashed into a tiny ball.
Carpenter: (Function included with units who are sixteen years old, only) Do you have any piece of furniture that needs to be fixed? The DRACO MALFOY unit is the man for the job, for he has skillfully managed to repair an ancient, Vanishing Cabinet over the course of nine months! So, just leave him any piece of broken furniture, and he'll repair it for you within the next generation! No worries!
Scarecrow: (Function included with units who are thirteen years old, only) It has been proved that the DRACO MALFOY unit is capable of functioning as a Scarecrow, when he climbs on top of the VINCENT CRABBE unit and covers him and the latter with a black robe. Of course, take care not to have any HARRY POTTER units around when that happens, because he will most likely produce a Patronus to destroy your "Scarecrow".
A Ball Date: (Function included with units who are fourteen years of age and above) Is there a ball/dance/party you have to attend? The DRACO MALFOY unit is an extremely eligible bachelor who will gladly escort any girl to any sort of party, as long as she's pretty, shallow and simply worships him. Imagine holding on to his arm and walking through the doors and having the expressions of those really annoying cheerleaders, who take two tables in the school cafeteria and throw food at you whenever you pass by them, when they see you walking next to him. Of course, our male customers will need to remember that the DRACO MALFOY unit will not, under any circumstances, agree to escort you to any event. It's not a glitch; just the way he was programmed.
Burglar: (Function included with units who are sixteen years old, only) Have you had your eye on an amazing piece of jewelry/Dark artifact/a certain copy of an awaited 7th book/etc. and you need to get your hands on it, but you absolutely don't know how? Well, cheer up! For the DRACO MALFOY unit is a skilled burglar! Using his Hand of Glory and Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, your unit will be able to sneak into any place undetected, grab whatever it is that you wanted him to steal, and will skip back happily to you, holding his trophies. Of course, there's a chance that he will keep all the stolen goods to himself.
A Seeker: (Function included with units who are twelve years of age and above) Are you in need of a Seeker for your Quidditch match? Well, you will be pleased to know that your DRACO MALFOY unit is a pretty good Seeker, himself, when he's not busy making fun of other people and missing the snitch when it's right next to his head. We're not sure if your DRACO MALFOY unit will be good in soccer, but you could try him out, if you like.
Your DRACO MALFOY unit will come with six different modes:
Please note that the Sneer-O-Matic setting and the Smug setting are entirely different, no matter how similar they may appear to you. In the Sneer-O-Matic setting, the DRACO MALFOY unit would be wearing a sneer on his face - yes, it's there most of the time - and would be going around bullying and teasing everyone. The Smug setting is activated when one of the DRACO MALFOY's unit actually succeeds in harming some one.
The Scared setting is activated quite often, like when your DRACO MALFOY unit goes to the Forbidden Forest, or when he gets turned into an amazing, bouncing ferret, or when he's in a Care of Magical Creatures class, etc. At those moments, you should just sit back and enjoy the show. However, the Scared setting is also activated when the DRACO MALFOY unit reflects upon what might happen to him and his family if he should fail in the tasks which had been assigned to him by the LORD VOLDEMORT unit, at which stage the Water-works setting would be activated, as well.
The My-Father-Will-Sue-You setting would be probably activated after any one does harm to the DRACO MALFOY unit. Most evident signs of this setting are tantrums, pouts, and possible tears when no one's looking. It should be gone after the DRACO MALFOY unit gets what he wants.
The Angry setting will shift into gear when the DRACO MALFOY unit decides to take revenge on his own instead of switching to the My-Father-Will-Sue-You setting. In this setting, the DRACO MALFOY unit would be probably trying to curse whoever had insulted him.
Relations With Other Units:
LUCIUS MALFOY: This unit is the father of the DRACO MALFOY unit. Do not be fooled by his high status and relations in the Ministry of Magic; this unit is in fact the follower of the very evil man, the LORD VOLDEMORT unit. Your DRACO MALFOY unit respects, and at the same time fears this unit; he will never do anything to displease him, and will try his absolute best to rescue him if he were in danger. The LUCIUS MALFOY unit will also continue to fill your unit's head with dark ideas about Muggles (Non-magical people), so don't be surprised if your unit comes home from a visit to his dad and starts calling you foul names.
NARCISSA MALFOY: NARCISSA MALFOY is your unit's mother. She is absolutely protective of the DRACO MALFOY unit, and will do anything, even go against the word of the LORD VOLDEMORT unit, to ensure her son's safety. Please be careful of the unit when she's in hysterical mode, because then she'd likely bully you into making an Unbreakable Vow with her, whether it's for you to protect her son, or stop using the bleach which she uses on her hair.
VINCENT CRABBE: Crony number 1 of the DRACO MALFOY unit. Usually, this unit comes as a set with the DRACO MALFOY unit, but seeing as he's really not popular with the customers, we've stopped making him unless it's been ordered especially - which rarely ever happens. The VINCENT CRABBE unit is an idiot. That's all you need to know. We're serious.
GREGORY GOYLE: Crony number 2 of the DRACO MALFOY unit. This is another unit who comes as a set with the DRACO MALFOY unit, but he's not popular with customers, either. (Blast them, making us make all these products and then getting rejected). The GREGORY GOYLE unit is an idiot, as well. However, we would like to mention that if you feel the need to have cronies around you, we recommend that you get the GREGORY GOYLE and the VINCENT CRABBE units "TOGETHER", because they simply can't function without the other.
PANSY PARKINSON: A hard-faced Slytherin girl with a voice so shrill it could be damaging your eardrums, for all you know. However, you need to know that the DRACO MALFOY unit fancies the PANSY PARKINSON unit, and will act as a show off whenever she's around to gain her admiration. Your unit especially likes having his hair stroked by this unit.
SEVERUS SNAPE: The SEVERUS SNAPE unit is the Head of the SLYTHERIN group, and also the Potions' Master, and later, the Defense Against the Dark Arts (DADA) Professor. The SEVERUS SNAPE unit obviously possesses a certain amount of liking to his Slytherin student, and will assist him in almost everything, whether it's making a potion, docking House Points off his enemies, plotting to take over the Wizarding World, or by killing a certain ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit. The DRACO MALFOY unit respects the SEVERUS SNAPE unit, although he will tend to get really irritated with him if he starts poking his nose in his carpentering business.
Other Unit Interactions:
HARRY POTTER: Meet the DRACO MALFOY unit's mortal enemy. The HARRY POTTER unit hates the DRACO MALFOY unit, and vice versa, and will do anything to inflict damage upon your unit. It is best to avoid this unit at all times, because if the DRACO MALFOY unit comes across a HARRY POTTER unit, chaos follows; tongue lashing is exercised and jinxes are ensued, people sprout boils on their noses and some become beavers...ah, so sad. The HARRY POTTER unit is from the GRYFFINDOR group and is a Seeker, as well, so you can see that there's a lot of competition between them as well. You may also want to note that the HARRY POTTER unit wants to carry out revenge on the LORD VOLDEMORT unit, and all those who follow him, including your unit. We say it again, avoid at all times.
RON WEASLEY: Tall, poor, gangly and freckly, the RON WEASLEY unit is probably the DRACO MALFOY's unit most favored person to torment. He will continue to insult the family of the RON WEASLEY unit, and he will shoot put-down remarks at him whenever possible. He will even invent a special song for him called "Weasley is Our King" (Lyrics and music available on our DRACO MALFOY Soundtrack Special; includes the DRACO MALFOY unit's most charming sneers and snorts, as well!!). However, the RON WEASLEY unit won't lay down when your unit insults him, and will usually try to inflict some bodily harm on him. It's also best to avoid him at all times.
HERMIONE GRANGER: This unit is probably the smartest witch in her year, and is the one who will always manage to make your DRACO MALFOY unit look foolish. Don't get fooled by this unit's cute appearance, for she can be very scary when she's angry, and can cook up many different schemes in her head. You might want to know that the HERMIONE GRANGER unit can perform any spell described in a book, and won't hesitate to use any one of them against the DRACO MALFOY unit. She will also inflict bodily damage on your unit when provoked. It's advised to avoid this unit at all times, as well.
BORGIN: This unit deals with Dark Magical Artifacts, and he owns a shop called Borgin and Burkes in Knockturn Alley, which also happens to be one of your DRACO MALFOY unit's most favorable shopping spots. However, you would do well not to trust the Borgin unit, because you never know when he could be cheating your money out of you.
MAD-EYE MOODY: The MAD-EYE MOODY unit is the Professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts. He is an extremely paranoid character, and will attack anything that catches him by surprise...in other words, he's not the most favorable person to grab from behind and yell "Boo!" into his ear. However, that's not the only reason why you should keep your DRACO MALFOY unit away from him. The MAD-EYE MOODY unit will tend to transform your unit into a white ferret whenever he sees him misbehaving. You have been warned.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: The ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit is the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which your DRACO MALFOY unit attends. Even though he dislikes him greatly, mostly due to the bad influence of the LUCIUS MALFOY unit, the DRACO MALFOY unit will never harm the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, even when he knows that his and his family's life might be at stake if he doesn't.
MOANING MYRTLE: The MOANING MYRTLE unit is the ghost of a girl who haunts the girls' bathroom on the third floor. Now, don't think too harshly of her because of that little fact. The MOANING MYRTLE unit is probably the only one who the DRACO MALFOY unit will confide his feelings in...and will feel it's fine to cry in front of her. She could help you out whenever you think your DRACO MALFOY unit is facing issues.
Your DRACO MALFOY unit is fully capable of washing himself and is aware of how to use the marvels of the modern day plumbing. At the age of fifteen, you will find that your DRACO MALFOY unit has stopped using your bathroom and has started using the Prefects' bathroom. Take a look at it and you'll know why he's doing this. However, if you still wish to assist him further with the cleaning procedures, you will be required to ask a licensed fan fiction author for permission.
The DRACO MALFOY unit is also capable of drying himself properly, once you provide him with clean towels. However, there should be any programming failure; you'll be required to rub the DRACO MALFOY unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on clothes line to dry; he will not appreciate it.
Also, provide a good amount of hair gel for the DRACO MALFOY unit so he could slick back his hair.
Your DRACO MALFOY unit will not settle for any sort of food. You must be aware of the fact that your unit is from a rich family, and is used to eating gourmet meals. However, he will settle for any normal food you bring to him, as long as he eats first, and you get the left-overs. To reserve energy, the DRACO MALFOY will usually follow an inspired method, and will just lounge around for the rest of the day and boss you around.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Well, I got my order and everything, but when I opened the box, instead of getting a DRACO MALFOY unit, I found a tall guy with long blond hair and a pimp stick which he keeps hitting me with! He's tried to kill me two times already! What gives?
A: Ahhh...sorry about that. It seems that you've received the LUCIUS MALFOY unit instead of the DRACO MALFOY unit; we've been getting a lot of orders for the two of them, and the boxes are getting mixed up, what with both their names being MALFOY and...anyway!! If you still wish to receive your DRACO MALFOY unit, send us back the LUCIUS MALFOY unit and we'll ship you the DRACO MALFOY unit - free of charge! Until then, just knock the LUCIUS MALFOY out with the pimp stick so he wouldn't try to kill you again; don't worry, we won't charge you for any possible damage. However, if you still wish to keep the LUCIUS MALFOY unit, then...good luck!
Q: My DRACO MALFOY unit is missing!!! There are several tiny foot steps in the backyard, but nothing else! What happened? Where is he?
A: What did we tell you about avoiding the MAD-EYE MOODY unit, eh? That's why we make those manuals, you know! The MAD-EYE MOODY unit has obviously transformed your DRACO MALFOY unit into a ferret, and he's probably bouncing him around on the street somewhere. Go find the MINERVA MCGONAGALL unit to tell off the MAD-EYE MOODY unit and have him return your DRACO MALFOY unit to his original state.
Q: For some reason, my DRACO MALFOY unit keeps disappearing for a few hours every day, and then comes back looking all irritated and grumpy! He's even skipped out on several soccer matches he promised he'd play in! What's going on?
A: It seems that your DRACO MALFOY unit's been busy with his carpentering job. He's probably been ordered by the LORD VOLDEMORT unit to fix a piece of furniture for him, and that's why he's been skipping on your soccer matches...and there's also the fact that he probably hates Muggle sports.
Q: This is so humiliating!!! I've told one of my deepest secrets to my DRACO MALFOY unit, and now it's gone and spread all over the school!! My unit swears that the only people he's told are the VINCENT CRABBE and GREGORY GOYLE unit (and I know he's telling the truth because I gave him Veritaserum in his tea), and those two don't even seem to have a clue to as what he's talking about. What's happening?
A: Well, since you gave him Veritaserum, this would eliminate the possibility of the DRACO MALFOY unit getting in contact with the RITA SKEETER unit, who will gladly spread any piece of gossip around. So, the first question you should be asking yourself is, are those really the true VINCENT CRABBE and GREGORY GOYLE units? You have to be aware of the fact that the HARRY POTTER and RON WEASLEY units have had past experience with drinking the Polyjuice Potion, which would enable them to look like any person they want. If, indeed, those two units have been up to their old tricks, then there's your answer. If not, then it must've been the PANSY PARKINSON unit eavesdropping on you two when you told the DRACO MALFOY unit your secret.
Q: My DRACO MALFOY unit keeps telling me he wants a scar so he could be as famous as the HARRY POTTER unit. What should I do? Should I give him what he wants?
A: looks stern We know that your DRACO MALFOY unit often wishes he had a scar so he could be as famous as the HARRY POTTER unit; it's a common trait amongst our units. But you are not allowed, at all, to inflict any wounds on your unit, or else we'll send you a token from the Locked Chamber in the Department of Mysteries. Here's a hint: it's purple, and it sings. You have been forewarned.
Q: Um...how can I stop people from jinxing my DRACO MALFOY unit?
A: You have to understand that that's probably one of the most impossible things, since almost everyone except the SLYTHERIN group hate the DRACO MALFOY unit, an will never stop jinxing him. However, if you really are concerned for your unit's safety, then we would recommend that you buy the SEVERUS SNAPE unit along with him. Everyone is afraid of the SEVERUS SNAPE unit, and they wouldn't dare jinx the DRACO MALFOY unit while he's around.
Problem: Your DRACO MALFOY unit is throwing up slugs.
Solution: Well, it's seems that one of the RON WEASLEY unit's most popular curses had actually managed to find a target other than his own self. There is nothing you can do about it, except sit back and watch the DRACO MALFOY belch slugs for a while. However, if you're mean and you want your revenge, write to the MOLLY WEASLEY unit telling her about what happened, and she'll send the RON WEASLEY unit a Howler within the next Owl Post.
Problem: Your DRACO MALFOY unit has gone and gotten a tattoo.
Solution: Uh-oh...so, how does this tattoo look? Is it a skull, with a serpent protruding from its mouth? Is it on his forearm? Well, is it? Well, that's bad. If you don't wish to be marked as having an allegiance to the DEATH EATER group or the LORD VOLDEMORT unit, we would suggest you get rid of the DRACO MALFOY unit immediately, because no laser surgery will be able to remove this certain tattoo, and pressing the Reset button on the back of your unit certainly won't help, because the LORD VOLDEMORT unit will be able to undo that action in a trifle of a moment.
Problem: You've found your DRACO MALFOY unit sporting a black eye.
Solution: Has your DRACO MALFOY unit been around any RON WEASLEY or HERMIONE GRANGER units? Because if that's the case, it's either that the RON WEASLEY unit must've given your DRACO MALFROY unit a black eye because he had been making fun of the HARRY POTTER unit, or that the HERMIONE GRANGER unit punched him when he made fun of the RUBEUS HAGRID unit. However, if your unit has not been around those two, then he's probably been give the black-eye by the Weasley twins' Punching Telescope. Only a special paste will be able to remove it. Good luck trying to convince the twins to give it to you!
Problem: It's not even Halloween, but you've gone and found your DRACO MALFOY unit playing dress-up.
Solution: Does a certain HARRY POTTER unit with a Dementor phobia have a Quidditch game? Because the DRACO MALFOY unit will automatically try to sabotage the game by disguising himself as a Dementor, so as to scare the HARRY POTTER unit. If not, there must be a Halloween party somewhere. If not, you owe to keep tabs on your unit's sexuality.
Problem: The DRACO MALFOY unit's hair is not lying back as smooth as it should be.
Solution: Pfft! Just change the hair gel you're using! Honestly!
Problem: Your DRACO MALFOY unit has been slashed across the chest in a way that resembles a sword's slash, and is bleeding heavily.
Solution: You idiot! Why the hell are you sitting here, reading the manual for? Hurry up and get the SEVERUS SNAPE unit to take your DRACO MALFOY unit to the hospital ward so that the MADAM POMFREY unit can patch him up before he dies of severe bleeding! Then have the SEVERUS SNAPE unit take the Potions' text book from the HARRY POTTER unit, and get some one to shut up the wailing of the MOANING MYRTLE unit because we can hear her screaming down our drains, and it's bugging us like hell!
With proper care and maintenance, your DRACO MALFOY unit will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for many years yet to come, taking into consideration that he may get killed by the LORD VOLDEMORT unit for failing to perform any job that had been entitled to him. However, if, for any reason, you can't stand having a certain Slytherin living in your house, tell him that you're going to buy a HARRY POTTER unit, and since you don't have that many bedrooms in your house, they will have to share. That will make him Disapparate from your house within the next second.
A/N: Weeee!! I'm done!! That was actually very exhausting to write, because I was flipping through all six books, trying to find proper material for writing the Draco Manual. So, in order to reward the effort I've put into making this manual for all your Draco fans out there, you will have to send me a review. If not, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to return the DRACO MALFOY unit to us. Hehe, kidding! Please review!!!
- S. N. B.