|That Jesus Only Knew Man
Author: Lance Ruhiru PM
Like TJOKM, only with less wangst and more sex. Stan and Kyle still aren't gay. BebeKennyMoleRated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Christophe & Bebe S. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,689 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 05-06-07 - Published: 05-05-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3524233
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Because it's not fair," Kenny whines.
"You're being ridiculous," Bebe says. "Mole has a very serious smoking addiction. You have a very serious dying addiction. We're just trying to remedy that."
To set the scene: since Bebe's recent crusade to get Mole off wacky tobacky, Mole has been inspired to appoint himself Kenny's personal body guard and fight the good fight against mortality. It's not that Kenny minds getting tackled to the ground whenever a truck comes flying by, or shots ring out, or a leaf breaks off of a tree limb and gently falls in his general direction—it's actually increased the number of impromptu Mole!floor!sex! sessions, which Kenny always counts as a plus no matter how rug-burned he ends up—but Kenny wants the chance to meddle himself. Bebe is stalking Mole and slapping nicotine patches onto whatever bare patch of skin she can get at (namely, all of it), and Mole is stalking Kenny and shaking down whoever/whatever comes near him. Kenny feels like he should be stalking Bebe for some reason, just to complete the cycle.
But Bebe is being annoyingly normal.
"I've got it," Kenny says suddenly. He leaps off of her bed and points a finger at her. "You need to mend your relationship with your mom!"
"No I don't," Bebe huffs.
"Come on. So she's a lesbian. Let bygones be bygones! Forgive and forget! E mono es su mono!"
"Now you're just making up words."
"Really, it would be nice and cathartic."
"Oh, you're right. Maybe the lack of a strong female influence in my life is why I'm shacking up with two guys. R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me!"
"Woooah now. Don't get crazy," Kenny says, holding his palms up. Bebe rolls her eyes.
"Hey, I can tell when you're joking. I'm not Mole."
"Kenneeey," she says, pulling her knees up under her chin and fluttering her eyelashes at him. "If Mom came back into my life Daddy'd probably stop feeling guilty and letting me have everything I want. Which most likely means he'd find a problem with having my two boyfriends live in our house. Which almost definitely means you and Mole'd have to go back to your crazy-ass families."
Kenny didn't say anything, as he was distracted by the clear view of Bebe's panties. Kenny is convinced that whoever came up with all that forbidden fruit/pop the cherry crap had Bebe's panties in mind. Not to be deterred from his greater mission of convincing Bebe to patch things up with her mother, he quickly fashioned a blindfold so as not to be distracted.
"... Kenny, you just tied a pair of my underwear around your head."
"Yes. Yes I did."
"So you're using panties to block your view of panties."
"Yes. What's your point?"
"... No point, I guess."
"Kenny's digging through underwear again?" Kenny hears Mole say as he enters the room. "He should be hosed down."
"I'll have you know," Kenny says, pointing a finger in the direction he thinks Mole is, because he still has the panties-blindfold on, "that I go through underwear drawers for purely sexless reasons. They don't interest me unless I get to take them off someone. Anyway, who the hell wears pink elephant boxers?! What are you, a gay republican?"
"I don't wear them anymore," Mole says. "Token sicced Tweek's gnomes on me after I stole Bebe's watch back-"
"Klepto," Bebe says with great fondness.
"-so now I'm going commando. See?" Kenny rips off the blindfold as Mole hooks his finger in a belt loop and shows off some hip bone, only to have Bebe slap on another nicotine patch. Kenny gives Mole a look.
"Why aren't you resisting her on this at all? When Bebe tried to improve MY life I fought her tooth and nail!"
"Oh, you did not," Bebe snorts. "You were surly and you stomped around, but you never tried to stop me."
"I was weak. Malnourished. I had not the calories to wage such a battle."
"Bebe pinches me when I don't go along with her," Mole says by way of explanation.
"So her nails hurt."
"Please! Bears have nails four inches long! Isn't that what mercenaries do, go out into the woods and wrestle bears?"
"Bears don't file them." Mole sits down next to Bebe on the bed and Kenny, who doesn't want to be the only one standing, sits down on Mole.
"You've never really wrestled a bear, have you?" Bebe asks.
"Well, once a five-year-old hired me to get a teddy bear back from this infertile bear that had gone insane and was collecting stuffed animals to mother... but no. In any case, that's not what I came over to talk about. Bebe. This smoking thing."
"I know it's hard to quit, Mole, but the next time you die Kenny probably isn't going to be able to barter to get you back."
"I would try," Kenny protests. "I might have to—ugh—help Damien tile his bathroom, but for you guys I'd even pick out matching curtains."
"That's touching, Kenny," Bebe says. "I know how much you hate interior decorating."
"I think I've figured out why I started in the first place," Mole interrupts before Kenny and Bebe can really get into it. "Until I was seven, I sucked my thumb."
Kenny and Bebe exchange looks, and then they fall across Mole's lap, laughing hysterically. Mole drums his fingers impatiently and waits for them to recover.
"Sorry—ahahaha—I know we shouldn't laugh when you-" Kenny snerks "-bare your soul."
"Yes!" Bebe is laughing so hard that she isn't actually making any noise, just wheezing silently. "Because this needs to be a safe and loving environment for—ahahahaha—all three of us!"
"Are you two done?" Mole asks impatiently. They bit their lips and nod, not trusting themselves to speak. "I only stopped sucking my thumb when I started smoking. So. I think the nicotine patches aren't working because it's an oral fixation."
"Oooo, I like the turn this conversation is taking," Kenny says.
"So we should try the nicotine gum," Mole says, addressing Bebe and ignoring Kenny. Which is difficult, as Kenny is still sitting in his lap.