Author’s Note: It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on let alone let anyone read some of my stuff…but here’s something I’ve been working on and off for the past year. It’s full of angsty goodness, written when times weren’t the best for me and therefore I was thinking of doom and gloom.

Hope you enjoy the fun (sarcasm) of this highly screwed up relationship.

Also, thanks to Bella for giving me the title of this fanfic…she always helps me there

Jinko

Warnings: SLASH (non-graphic); angst; suicidal themes; adult themes; very slight swearing…I mean, this is way, way calm in that department…MPREG…etc…

By Jinko

Chapter One: Anguish

The explosion was small, but it had enough force to send the man holding the wand backwards. So far backwards, he fell off the stone roof he was standing on, falling down three stories. Not far off, his partner fell down from their standing position. Somewhere, their son screamed, running over to his father.

“Papa!” the little boy cried, looking at the man who had fallen off the roof of their large manor. “Papa, wake up!” Emerald green eyes with silver specks filled with tears as the boy noticed his father wasn’t waking up. He then shook his head, running back inside the house. Forgetting about his other parent, the boy ran to the fireplace where a proud fire was burning. Throwing a handful of sand into the flame, turning the flames into a bright green colour. “Uncle Sev!” he shouted into the flames. “Uncle Sev!”

A pale face showed in the fire. He had long black hair and a large crooked nose. “James?” he asked quickly. “Are you alright?”

“Papa fell!” James cried, the tears now spilling down his face. “Papa fell off the roof.”

Severus Snape paled even further, and the next thing James knew, his ‘Uncle Sev’ was in the room next to him.

“Where is he, James?”

Silver eyes looked down on the pale face lovingly. Messy raven hair cupped around the pale face, making the owner of the silver eyes want to brush it.

Softly, the one with silver eyes leant down, kissing the pale forehead gently. “Wake up soon,” Draco whispered into the soft silence. “Please.”

“Papa!” The small five-year-old ran into the main bedroom of the Malfoy Manor, closely followed by Severus. Draco looked up at the older man weakly.

“How was he?” Draco asked as James grabbed at Draco’s leg, silently asking to be brought up onto his lap.

“Well behaved as usual,” Severus said with a sigh. “But he missed his papa.”

“He never missed daddy, do you?” Draco asked James as he pulled him onto him. James giggled and moved onto his papa’s chest.

“Papa hasn’t woken up, has he?” James asked, his eyes wide.

“Well, tell him the good news, James,” Draco said. “What did you learn last night?”

“My ABCs!” the young boy shouted. “Papa! I learnt my ABCs.” And with that, James began to recite the alphabet.

“He’s been doing that all day,” Severus said to Draco, who was rubbing his hand up and down James’s back. “Has he even moved?”

“No,” Draco sighed. “I haven’t sensed anything.” The twenty-six-year-old brought his left hand to his lap, playing with a gold bracelet there. There were small spikes in it that Draco knew went deep into his wrist. A single silver snake with emerald eyes wrapped around it once. And he knew that the man lying in the bed he was sitting on was wearing the same bracelet on his own left wrist. “Last night, I felt that he was scared-he kept whispering ‘Sirius’ in my head. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. Some times it would be really soft, like he was happy, but other times it was loud, like he was terrified.”

“Maybe he’s just dreaming,” Severus said. Draco looked down with a heavy sigh.

“I think that’s what I’m worried about. Sirius was his godfather, right?”

“Yes.”

“He hasn’t mentioned him for eleven years. I know what he dreams about. This is the first time he’s dreamt about him that I know of. He normally dreams of me, or James, or even Voldemort, but never about things that he doesn’t want to remember.”

“This is the first dream he’s had since he fell into the coma, isn’t it?” Severus asked. Draco nodded his head. “Three months.”

“Aunty ‘Mione said it shouldn’t take three months,” James said, turning to the two older males in the room. “Oh! And Aunty ‘Mione and Uncle Ron said they were gonna come round Sunerday.”

“That’s Sunday,” Draco reprimanded James. “And that’s going to, not gonna.”

“And today is Sunday,” Severus said quickly. Draco paled. “James, what time did they say?”

“About lunch time,” the boy smiled. He then frowned. “I’m hungry, Daddy.”

Draco looked at a clock by the side of the bed. “It’s one o’clock. Sev, can you tell the house elves to start lunch? I’ll get James cleaned up.”

“But I don’t wanna leave Papa,” James argued. He looked at Draco. “Can I stay here with papa?”

“No,” Draco sighed. He wrapped his arms around the child and picked him up. “Let’s get you ready.”

Emerald green eyes snapped open, and the owner shot forward into the air. “Sirius!” Harry Potter shouted as he woke up. He looked around the large room, thinking how he didn’t know where he was. The last thing he remembered was being locked up at his relatives’ house. He heard talking coming from rooms outside the one he was in. Standing, he fell quickly, his legs quickly becoming numb. That was when Harry realised he was different from what he last remembered. He was taller, for one. He looked down at his body. He had filled out a bit more, too. No longer was he the skinny little kid, but he looked like a well-muscled adult.

Draco’s head began to spin. He collapsed against the dining table heavily, dropping the bowel of salad he was holding.

“Daddy?” James asked from his cushion-stacked chair. He jumped off, reaching Draco before anyone else. “Daddy, are you alright?”

“Draco?” Draco looked up to see Hermione Weasley, nee Granger, walking over to him. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s awake,” Draco said quickly and turned towards the staircase where he saw Harry limping down. “Harry!”

“Papa!” James was quick to rush to the staircase. “Papa! You’re awake!”

Harry paused, looking at the smiling faces. He knew them, but they all looked different, like he did. But the small child running up to him, calling him ‘Papa’, was new to him.

“Who-? What’s going on?” Harry asked. “Where am I?”

“Home, Harry,” the one resembling Hermione Granger, said.

“Who are you?”

“Harry, it’s me, Hermione.” Hermione took as step forward. “Come here so I can see if you’re alright.”

“No, you’re not Hermione,” Harry said quickly. “Hermione’s only fifteen.”

“Yeah, eleven years ago, man,” this came from the one that looked like Ron Weasley, but again, he was much older. “You remember me, right? It’s me, Ron, your best friend.”

“Papa,” James tried again. Harry looked at the little boy. He had messy black hair like himself, a pale face and emerald green eyes with silver flecks.

“What’s going on here?” Harry shouted. “What the hell is going on? Why is this kid calling me ‘Papa’, why does everyone look like their ten years older than they’re supposed to be? Why aren’t I at my aunt’s house? And why am I standing in the same room as Malfoy and Snape if this is supposed to be my home?”

“Hermione,” everyone turned to Draco. “I think he has amnesia.”

“So do I,” Hermione agreed. “Harry what was the last thing you remember?”

“I-I came home from Hogwarts and Uncle Vernon threw me into my room. I started to cry, remembering Sirius-,” Harry started, but was cut off by Severus.

“Draco, didn’t you say Harry was dreaming of Sirius?”

“Since when did you call me Harry?” Harry demanded quickly.

“Papa, don’t yell at Uncle Sev,” James said with a small smile, meaning for it to be a joke.

“Who the hell is this kid?” Harry exclaimed, looking at James, whose eyes filled with more tears.

“James,” Draco shushed quickly, rushing forward to the small boy. He picked him up, glaring at Harry. “How dare you yell out like that in front of your son?”

“Son?” Harry retorted. “I’m a virgin! I’ve never had sex to be able to have a frigging son!”

Draco glared at him again. “Don’t say those sorts of things. He’s only five years old. I don’t care if you have amnesia or not. You should know not to say those things in front of a child.”

“Harry,” Hermione said softly. “Sirius died eleven years ago. You’re twenty-six now. You’ve been in a coma for three months. This is your son, James.”

“This doesn’t-I’m not married. And I know you can’t be the mother, Hermione,” Harry said, his shock shown. Hermione, Ron and Draco each scoffed.

“I should hope not,” Ron said shortly. “You can’t even remember being my best man at the wedding, can you?”

“You two are married?” Harry asked Hermione and Ron.

“Have been for seven years,” Hermione said with a smile. “And there is no mother to James.”

“Only-,” Ron stopped as Severus interfered.

“You two broke up,” Severus said, looking at Draco, who paled.

“Alright,” Harry said slowly. “What’s this thing that’s stabbing into me?” Harry looked at the clasps around the bracelet.

“Don’t touch it!” Draco said quickly, putting James down on the ground. “Don’t take it off.”

“Why not, Malfoy?” Harry asked, his nimble fingers undoing one of the clasps.

“Harry! Please don’t take off the bracelet.”

“It’s very important, Harry,” Severus pressed. “You’ll cause someone a lot of pain if you remove it.”

“They’ll die,” Hermione added.

“Since when does Malfoy call me Harry?” Harry asked, clipping the bracelet back up.

“Look, Harry,” Hermione said softly. “You must be hungry. And I think Draco and Severus have to talk in private. Lets get you reacquainted with James.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Harry agreed. Hermione led the dark haired adult to the dining table as Severus and Draco left the room.

“What was with you saying that Harry and I have broken up?” Draco asked loudly when Severus had shut the door of the kitchen. “I would never-I love him.”

“Draco, he hates you,” Severus said, and he saw the flash of emotion go through Draco. “I meant he hates who you were. Back when you two were fifteen, he hated you. When you were sixteen, he hated you. He only started to consider you as a friend when you two reached your seventh year, when you were seventeen. You still have a long way before he loved you.”

“So now you’re saying I can’t be with him anymore?” Draco asked. His breathing had gotten hard. “I’ve already gone three months without him, Severus. I-I can’t do that again.”

Harry started to shake his left arm quickly, jumping back from the seat.

“What’s wrong Harry?” Ron asked.

“It’s this bracelet thing,” Harry said unclasping it. “It’s on the fritz and it hurts.”

“Don’t take it off,” James said demandingly. “I got hit because I tried to take it off you, Papa.” Harry nodded his head, once again clipping it back up.

“So who’s the person who would feel all this pain?”

“You heard Snape. He doesn’t want you finding out,” Ron said, shrugging his shoulders.

“It’ll be too much for you to take in straight away,” Hermione pointed out. “He’s right, too. Geez, I can still remember the look of shock on our faces when we found out.”

“Yeah, it was so surprising. We knew that you had a secret lover, we just didn’t know whom. And then you came out and told us, and we just were so shocked.”

“So she’s James’ mother?” Harry asked, looking at his son.

“I don’t have a mum,” James said with a confused look. “I have a Papa and a Daddy, but not a Mummy.”

“P-Papa and Daddy?” Harry repeated.

James nodded his head. “Yep, and Daddy just left with Uncle Sev. I hope they come back soon.”

“What?” Harry asked loudly. He looked at the kitchen door. “Malfoy and I-?”

Draco sighed. Severus turned to him. “My dear little son has a big mouth.”

Severus snickered lightly. “I guess we should have told him to keep it shut.”

“I guess.”

“I-I don’t get it,” Harry stuttered, looking at his two best friends. “He’s the son of a Death Eater. The last I remember of him, I was hexing him into looking like a slug or something like that. He threatened to kill me the last time I saw him.”

“Daddy isn’t a Death Eater,” James said. “Uncle Sev is, but he was good. No, Daddy was on the Light side.”

“You know about that sort of stuff?” Harry asked.

“Well, I overheard you and Daddy talking about it and decided to ask you about it.”

“Geez you’re smart for your age,” Harry grumbled.

“Thank you, Papa.”

The kitchen doors opened, and the two ex-Slytherins walked into the room. “Malfoy-,” Harry was cut off short.

“Okay, I know our son is a little open, and that he’s told you that I’m his dad, as are you. Let’s just get things out straight before you start pointing fingers,” Draco sighed. “And before you say that you won’t, I’ve been living with you for the past nine years. I know you. Now, we are madly in love, and incredibly gay. I know that you remember being a fifteen-year-old, and I know they you were probably gay at that point of your life. I renounced my father at the start of our sixth year. We became friends during our seventh year. Then you got kicked out of your relative’s house. I took you in. We fell in love, told these morons, and then decided to bind.”

“What the hell is that?” Harry asked. James placed his hands over his ears.

“No swearing,” Draco snapped simply. “You see these bands on our wrists? They’re virtually wedding rings, only they have a deeper magic. There are large spikes that have been drilled into our wrists, causing us bleed constantly. During the ritual, the spikes are carefully opened and our bracelets are screwed together, letting us exchange blood. Then a few spells are cast and the binds are released. If they’re broken, one of us will be in extraordinary pain. And then one of us is most likely to die. But other than that, we’re bound together forever. There’s one way of breaking the bond without any pain, but I won’t tell you that because I know you’d never do that, just as I wouldn’t. We can also sense each other’s thought, sensations and emotions.”

“And what about James?”

“We were bound when we were twenty. He was born when we were twenty-one. You got me pregnant.” Harry looked as if he was going to say something. “And before you go saying that that’s impossible, I have to add that I’m a Veela, and male Veela can get pregnant.”

“So we’re in love?”

“Yes.”

“And we’re bound together for life?”

“Yes.”

“And we have a son together?”

“Remind me to kill whoever it was who called you stupid,” Draco smirked. He looked at his partner. “And to make things worse, I haven’t been with you for three months and you now have amnesia, forgetting everything that has happened to you.”

“When you say ‘been with’-?” Draco was still smirking as Harry blushed.

“We copulate quite frequently, Harry.”

“Ew, Draco,” Ron groaned. “We did not need to know that about our best friend.”

“And I did not need to know that about my godson,” Severus said, glaring at said godson, Draco. “Do you two mind? It’s bad enough having to see you two fawn over each other so openly before the accident when you thought no one was around.”

“Oh god,” Harry moaned, looking at Draco. “We really are together.”

Draco’s eyes widened for a quick second, a hand on his bracelet. “So glad to know you’re so disgusted, love,” he muttered. Harry jumped.

“What is that?” He was shaking his arm again, feeling his whole body tingle, but it originated in his wrist. “Did you just call me love?” Draco suddenly had a pink tinge on his usually pale features.

“Severus,” Draco said softly, turning to his godfather. “Do you happen to know any spells to restore someone’s memory?”

“None that can restore a memory that wasn’t purposely erased,” Severus sighed.

“Okay, you guys,” Hermione said. “We left our own little mob with Fred and George…”

“Mob?” Harry asked.

“They followed the Weasley tradition and have four little ones of their own already,” Draco said.

“Four? Already?”

“Yeah,” Hermione smiled. “It hurt like you can’t imagine-.”

“And is costing us twice as much,” Ron added.

“But it’s worth it. The first two are twins, and then there was the third, and the fourth earlier this year,” Hermione said. “Just get Draco pregnant again and you’ll see. You’ll love it.”

Both Harry and Draco started to blush. “Does this mean I’m going to get a younger sister or brother?” James asked, making a noise for the first time in a while.

“Err,” the noise left Harry speechless. This was the first time he had heard something that wasn’t intelligible come from Draco. “No, James. I don’t think-,”

“You’ll get one sooner or later, James,” Harry spoke. Draco looked at him questioningly. “You’ll definitely be getting one, or maybe two if you’re lucky.”

“Yay!” James exclaimed, running over to Severus. “Did you hear that, Uncle Sev? I’m not going to be an only child!”

“Harry?” Draco asked softly. “What-?”

“There is no way that I’m missing out on raising a child and remembering it,” Harry said in a way that made it final. Draco could only smile.

“Anyway, we’ll be off,” Hermione said, walking over to Harry, who was still sitting at the table. He got to get up. “It’s good to see you again, Harry,” Hermione said as she hugged the taller adult.

“Yeah, it’s good to see you, too,” Harry agreed, returning the hug. When Hermione pulled back, Harry was surprised as Ron hugged him, too.

“Hope you get your memory back soon, mate,” Ron said, breaking away from him.

“It was good seeing you,” Hermione said to Severus, Draco and James, the older two nodded their heads, as did Ron.

Draco dried his son’s messy black hair as he tried to get it dry before James got into bed. James was sitting next to Draco on the large bed that the five-year-old had. “Here,” Draco said, having finished. “Now, have you kissed you papa goodnight?” The boy nodded his head. “What about me?” James reached up to Draco and gave him a big hug. When he pulled away, he planted a small, sloppy kiss on Draco’s cheek. “Do you want to get a drink or go to the toilet?”

“No,” James said, crawling into his bed. “But-but can Papa please read me a story?”

“I’ll go find him,” Draco said, his voice weak. James’ eyes widened.

“Daddy, wait-,” the boy didn’t get to finish as Draco left the room. “Daddy?”

Draco walked around the large manor, knowing exactly where to find Harry, due to the bond they shared. But Harry found him before he could get anywhere near the room Harry was originally in.

“Are you alright?” Harry asked quickly. “I-I sensed that you were very sad.”

“I’m fine, Harry,” Draco sighed, refusing to make eye contact. “Anyway, your son wants you to read to him.”

“Malfoy-.”

“Go to him,” Draco snapped. Harry suddenly felt exhausted before he realised that was what Draco was feeling.

When Harry got into James’ room, he sighed. James was looking through the large bookshelf he had, looking for a book. “Papa!” James smiled upon seeing him.

“Have you chosen which book you want me to read?” Harry asked, looking at his son lovingly. James nodded his head, grabbing a book and running back to bed. “Okay.”

“Papa,” James started before Harry could even open the book. “Did you see Daddy’s face?”

“No, why?”

“I think I did something wrong. He was upset.”

“James,” Harry sighed again, reaching out with one hand. He gently placed a few strands of hair behind James’ ear. “Your daddy is going through a really hard time at the moment. So do you want me to read the book or not?”

“Please.”

Harry found Draco lying on their bed on top of the covers in nothing but pyjama pants. His back was turned to him, but Harry could sense what was happening. He could sense every little tear trickle down Draco’s face.

“Draco?” Harry asked, sitting down on the bed, next to him. Draco stiffened.

“Did you just call me Draco?” he asked carefully.

“Yes, I did,” Harry admitted, putting his hand on Draco’s hip. The blonde turned to him, wiping away the tears. “I think I’m beginning to feel this love that you’ve told me so much about.” Draco let himself smile slightly. “And now I’m feeling a great amount of happiness.” Draco froze.

“You aren’t feeling any love of your own,” Draco said quietly. “You’re only feeling what I’m feeling. You can’t separate them yet.”

“But you can, what are you feeling from me?”

“Distrust. Worry. Love for your son. Uncertainty,” Draco listed. “Nothing for me.” He couldn’t hide it. Harry was swallowed by complete sadness. “I can’t take this anymore, Harry. It hurts too much. I’m exhausted. My son doesn’t want me to be his father. He only wants one father. And that’s the one that can’t remember him. I want to be held by the only person who I am ever going to love, but he doesn’t love me. I just want it to all be over, Harry. I feel like our bond has been broken. I just can’t take it anymore. I already had to go three months without you, and now I have you, but I don’t. I’m tired.”

“Malfoy,” Harry sighed, running a hand through his hair. He could feel disappointment run through him faster than a cheetah after its prey. “I don’t love you-and I doubt I will, even if I did at one point of my life-and I’m not going to pretend that I love you, either.” Harry numbly watched as twin tears trickled from Draco’s eyes. “But I will try my hardest to be a father. As James’ father by blood, it is my responsibility.”

“What about being my partner by blood?” the blonde asked, his voice weak. “We made a blood bond. Therefore, you are my blood partner. What about your responsibility to me as your lover?”

“You are no longer my…”

“I need to take a walk,” Draco announced, getting off the bed. “I just need to-you have the bed. I’ll sleep in the guest room.” With that, Draco brought a shaky hand up to his cheeks, wiping away the moisture, before going to the closet to grab a robe. He slipped it on, and rushed out of the room, not looking at Harry once.

End of chapter one: anguish…hope you all enjoyed. Please leave a review for me…-