The Day My Computer Took A Shit
By Zess

Summery: A computer breaks down, and the Geek Squad only has one person on the help line. Can one find love by telephone? Well, Axel and Roxas certainly weren’t expecting to!

Other Stuff: TWO CHAPTER ONE SHOT!
Romance/Humor, KH Based, Shonen-Ai/Implied Yaoi(THAT’S RIGHT BOY ON BOY, or. . . boy under boy, or boy bending over boy, or boy on knees in front of boy. . . ), AU, Rated M because I think M is a funny letter, Language? I own nothing but this story. AkuRoku.

Time: Now
Place: A work, a dorm.
Players:
Axel: local computer thrasher. How was he supposed to know not to hit the screen with a baseball bat?
Roxas: Computer nerd, and member of the dreaded Best Buy’s Geek Squad. Poor boy, never saw it coming when he agreed to run the telephone help line!

A/n: Written in third person OMIPOTENT! Bwahaha . . . 0o

I wrote this mainly because the plot bunnies are eating me alive, and so I don’t get off topic from my two other chapter stories. Each time I’ve tried to write the next chapter in either of them, it’s been way off plot and way off for their characters. /: So here this is!

For those of you who are confused about why it says Shonen-Ai and not only Yaoi is because there will be no actual sex in this story. Okay so for the record

Shonen-Ai: Boy Love

Yaoi: Boy’s getting it on in hot and steamy fashion!

This is written for my wonderful reader LFO because he freakin’ rocks!! And because he refused a one-shot. You can’t get away! I hope he likes it and I hope the rest of you like it as well!

The Day My Computer Took A Shit

The Porno Phone

Axel bit his pen as he leaned back in his swivel chair and stared at the contraption. He was sure that it was made by Satan himself. Damn computer. He had been tricked into buying one by his best friend Demyx, who was addicted to chat rooms. If someone like Demyx could do it, Axel had believed himself capable.

START UP ERROR: Z141

START UP ERROR: Z141

START UP ERROR: Z141

And on and on it went, continuing down his entire screen. Axel was a genius, but not when it came to computers. He liked schemes. Yeah, schemes were more his style. He stared at the monitor for a few more minutes before standing. Flicking what the help manual said was the restart switch he stretched out his long legs and looked around his cluttered dorm room.

Huh. . . I was almost positive I had my lighter around here somewhere.

Somewhere was about the gist of it. Axel was currently standing knee deep in clothes, trash, old broken junk, and almost everything else that he had ever owned. To fully understand this organized chaos, you had to be just as lazy as Axel was. The way he thought was that, he got good grades, was in good shape (if a little thin) and so why should he be forced to also clean his own dorm room. Or do his own laundry. He had a job with no car to spend it on, no bills to pay, so it was easy just to go out and buy new clothes instead of washing his old ones. Ah, the college life.

He saw a metallic flash out of the corner of his eye and dropped to his knees. Diving face first into the mess of doom, he reached a long spindly arm under his almost hidden bed and snagged the small Zippo lighter, before the monster under his bed could devour it. And yes, there actually was a monster. It had grown fur first, from an old pudding cup, and then eyes, teeth, and so on. Axel knew that that was how he was going to die, being devoured by a mutated pudding creature, and was resigned to it. There were worse ways to die he suppose.

He sat back into his swivel chair, which had been anchored to the floor by mess, and tilted a little to the side from being placed upon something like a text book. Flipping his lighter lid open and closed. It was something of a nervous habit for him, to be used whenever he was in a stressful situation. Looking back at the monitor, the screen had become cluttered with words again.

START UP ERROR: Z141

START UP ERROR: Z141

START UP ERROR: Z141

“Piece of shit thing,” he muttered, whacking the monitor a few times with a balled fist. “Work damn you!”

But despite all of his swearing, mumbling and whacking, the thing just wouldn’t cooperate.

“Well damn.”

Axel stretched out his long legs under his desk and closed his intense green eyes, slouching down in his chair with a sigh. His long arms found arm rests on his piles of clutter as he cursed every megabit on the computer, one by one. And he had been assured by the salesman that it had possessed quite a few. Hundreds? Thousands? He couldn’t remember.

Wait, hadn’t that selfsame pushy salesman say there was some sort of warranty? He levered himself up and bent over till his head was tucked under his desk searching through all of the boxes and bags that had come with the computer purchase.

“Alas Poor Yorrik, I knew him well!”

He pulled out the long receipt out of one of the plastic bags and scanned over it. Wasn’t there supposed to be some sort of help line telephone number or something.

“Aha! I gotcha!”

He slipped his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped the screen open. Looking back to check the number once or twice every so often to check.

The phone rang for what must have been thirty times. Was there some sort of hours he was only supposed to call at? No. It said right there next to the number “All day, every day.” That means 24/7 in human talk doesn’t it?

“The Geek Squad, how can I be of service?”

“I’d like a cheeseburger, two fries, a milkshake, and onion rings please.”

CLICK.

Well goodness, hadn’t that been computer related? Axel thought he had made it completely clear. His modem was acting up, it said he needed a mouse, and something called a USB was trying to eat out his CDR. Computers were some kinky shit. But still, he had gotten little satisfaction in the tiny prank call, and his computer was still acting up, so he decided to try again.

Ten rings, twenty rings, thirty rings. . .

“The Geek Squad, how can I be of service?”

“My computer is broken.”

Roxas sighed on the other side of the phone, at the obvious idiotic comment.

Well of course your computer’s broken! I don’t take calls from strangers normally you ass-wipe, what did you think was going on?

It had been a long day, and he was starting to regret accepting this part of the job. All day long all he got were morons who didn’t understand anything, and tried to make pleasant conversation. He didn’t want conversation. He wanted his paycheck and the two week notice he had give to be completed.

“I understand that sir, but would you care to elaborate?”

Axel chuckled. Of course he would get the self help guy with some sarcastic bite. Oh well, at least it was better then some old man with a boring voice. In fact, as bored as he sounded, this guy’s voice was very. . . sensual? This should be interesting. Axel chuckled at the thought.

“It keeps saying ‘Start Up Error: z141’”

Roxas’s breath caught at the sound of the customer’s laugh. It was a dark and mysterious laugh, and. . . and he liked it. His heart had even skipped a beat. That was just plain retarded. He shook his head and concentrated on the matter at hand. He wouldn’t keep noticing the way that the customer’s voice sounded, or how his breath sounded on the other side of the phone, deep and relaxed. Nope, Roxas was definitely not thinking about it.

“Z141 you said?”

“Yes. . .” came the sensuous reply.

Was it just him, or was it getting hot inside Roxas’s small office cubicle? Was it even possible for heat to get trapped within a cubical? Either way he had to stop this nonsense right now! Who ever thought about getting so worked up over a few softly said lines? So he coughed and cleared his throat.

“Uhm, this means that you have your monitor connected to the CPU improperly.”

Axel felt a sort of shiver run down his spine. Was this, excitement?

“Wait. . . my what? What’s a CPU?”

Roxas couldn’t believe his ears. Did this guy really not know, or was this some kind of strange pick up line? Wait, why did he even want this guy to be trying to pick him up?

“The CPU is the big tower thing.”

Axel instantly looked at the black box of doom sitting on his desk. He poked it with a finger for good measure.

“This thing?”

Axel realized that the guy on the other side of the phone couldn’t exactly see what he was pointing at, but it was already too late.

“This is a phone, I have no idea what you’re pointing at.”

Axel laughed, and he heard a soft gasp on the other side of the phone. Talk about sexy! In fact, the images running through his mind from that small sound were down-right dirty. Somewhere along the lines of throwing the stranger over all of his useless computer equipment and taking him right then and there. Oh my, but what happens if he’s Seme? A bucket of proverbial cold water doused Axel’s passions. Better halt that thought right there Mr.!

Roxas had no idea what was going on but the customer had laughed, and it once again took his breath away, along with his rational thinking capabilities. And then it just got worse! The man on the opposite side of the phone began breathing heavy and harsh, as if in the first throes of passion. It was almost too much to handle for Roxas’s little mind, and even smaller control. He wanted. . . Well to put it lightly, he wanted to be thrown over some kind of horizontal surface and be taken like he had never been taken before! Oh god, what was he thinking!? The guy was just breathing for God’s sake and Roxas was getting all kinds of turned on because of it.

Just play it cool Rox, and no one will ever have to know!

Yeah, right, just play it cool. So Roxas cleared his throat, and the customer must have got the wrong idea. No, he wasn’t trying to claim attention, he was trying to swallow the mass amounts of drool accumulating in his mouth, but it was better for him to just not saying anything about that.

“Ahem, okay, now that you’ve figured out what the CPU is, take your mouse and make sure it’s plugged in to your USB port. If it’s a little loose just jiggle the plug a little bit and then shove it in hard.”

Axel was totally lost in those innocently seductive words. What the hell had he gotten himself into? Had he inadvertently called some kind of computer porn line? And boy, they needed to fix the air conditioning in his room. It didn’t matter that it was winter, it was broiling in here. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his shirt and rolled the sleeves up to his elbows. Squirming a little bit, he tried to make himself comfortable around the tent pole currently occupying his lounging pants. And on top of all that, the computer sales man had gypped him! That lowlife! No wonder he couldn’t get the stupid thing going, he didn’t have any kind of rat, or gerbil, or whatever.

“No one said anything about buying rodents to get my computer to work. We’re not allowed pets in the dorms.” Axel said in a rejected tone.

Roxas couldn’t believe his ears, this had to take the cake on customer stupidity. Well, in reality it wasn’t anyone’s fault that they didn’t know what was what on a computer, they just had never been taught. Wait what, was he. . . sympathizing? Roxas never sympathized with customers! They were the bad evil mass majority of fat computer illiterate sons-of-bitches. Yeah! Stick it to the man! Workers Rights and all of that stuff. That was why he was quitting this stupid job wasn’t it? Because he hated all the customer interaction it entailed. Entailed. . .entrails. He realized at the harsh growling sound of his stomach that he hadn’t eaten anything at all that day. As he sat there, contemplating how to explain the mouse thing over the phone, his stomach grew steadily louder and louder, till it echoed around the deserted office building. It was, after all, nearly ten o’clock at night. No body in their right minds would stay this late at such a boring job. Nope, nobody but him.

“. . . And then the bartender said, ‘He should have quit while he was a head.’ Heh. . .Heh.”

Axel had been getting steadily more uncomfortable in the quiet silence after his rodent statement. He didn’t know what was going on, and he felt rather perverted listening to the other guy breath. And turned on, yeah, definitely turned on. But it just kept getting quieter and quieter, so he had decided to crack a joke. It was a very funny one he thought, but he was the only one laughing.

“Um, what?” Asked the consumer help person.

“Nothing,” sighed Axel.

This was indeed the weirdest conversation he had ever had. First his computer goes to hell, then odd sexy pick up lines and dirty sayings, and now he was being ignored. Then a thought struck him.

“Hey, how much is this costing me?”

Roxas paused in his drawing of a mouse diagram, still trying to find a way to explain such a basic appliance.

“Uh, about a dollar and fifty every minute.”

Axel whistled out loud. Well shit, they’d already been on the phone twenty minutes, that added up to. . .well, uh. . . He wasn’t the best at math so he just left that one alone. What he did know was that was an extreme rate. So, in his regular perverted ways, he decided to make the best of it.

Changing his voice to a deep, throaty purr he asked, “so, what are you wearing?”

Roxas actually yelped, and came very close to jumping out of his chair. Even though no one could see it, his blush was intense. His hands started to shake and he may or may not have let out a soft moan before he got back to his senses. What was he doing, sitting here with his eyes rolling back in his head? This was ridiculous! So once again he cleared his throat, though this time is wasn’t as affective at hiding the true reason why he had to cough.

“Now, as I was saying, the mouse isn’t a rodent it’s a. . .”

Axel laughed, completely ignoring the explanation. Well goodness, perhaps this was some kind of crazy computer porn line. Or maybe, he had found the one wholly kinky consumer help guy. The shivers, running up and down his spine had returned, and he had to squirm around once more to get comfortable. But why was he getting so worked up? Because the guy had the sexiest mewling sounds and moans that he had ever heard? Because he was so easily turned on? He didn’t even know what this guy looked like! He could be some kind of old fat man. Well, perhaps not old, the voice sounded quite young, his age even, but the fat is quite possible. Axel agreed that the best part of someone was on the inside. . . but come on, we all know that the outside counts too!

But, here he was, and the soft sizzling voice on the other side of the line held him intrigued. There was no way he could just hang up the phone and pretend nothing had happened. Now, he wanted more then his computer to jus be fixed. He wanted to know more about this mysterious helper. Come to think of it, Axel didn’t even have an idea about this guy’s name.

“So all you have to do is plug that in together with the keyboard and you should be all set.”

Since he hadn’t been paying attention, Axel had no idea what he was supposed to do to get the thing he had already labeled a piece-of-shit to work. But frankly, he didn’t care.

“What’s your name?” He asked quietly.

Well that was a strange question, one that he had never been asked before. Well, sure, rude and upset customers had asked for it, to report to his manager. But no one had ever asked it in such a hungry way. It was quite a loaded question you can be sure. For some reason, Roxas got the feeling he was being undressed, slowly and demonstratively, over the phone. His tongue felt like it was three sizes too swollen for his mouth, and he couldn’t get his tingling lips to operate properly.

“R-Roxas. My name is Roxas.”

“Roxas. . .Roxas. . .” Axel rolled the name around on his tongue and decided he liked saying it. It was a very sexy name, at least to him, and it felt just perfect inside his mouth. He was almost positive that he would feel so much better inside his mouth.

Roxas groaned, he just couldn’t help himself. This sexual onslaught had to stop before he turned into love-goo right here at his desk. This was insanity! He didn’t even know what this guy looked like! Or his name, for that matter.

Okay Rox, just play it cool.

“So, I’ve given you my name, how about returning the favor?”

Axel laughed, though his insides felt mushy. There was no one on earth who had ever had him so damned turned on, and over the telephone no less! This was beginning to be just a little too much for him.

Dear God, if you’re listening, don’t let me loose it on the phone, that would be totally gay.

“Axel, the name’s Axel kid.”

Roxas was delirious over just how very hot Axel’s name turned out to be. It was exotic, and masculine, and scrumptious. It was one of those names you could just scream at the top of your lungs when you were just about to. . . Wait!

Did he just call me kid?!

“Kid? I’m probably older then you!”

Axel laughed. Oh how he loved this guy’s spunk. No, not just this guy. Roxas. Roxas. . . he still couldn’t get over that name. It was just a perfect fit t his voice. Now, more than ever, he wanted to throw him down and take him.

“I’m twenty-four.”

Roxas was stunned. His voice didn’t sound like he was twenty-four. It held such mischief and childlike glee. And damn, Axel was older then Roxas.

“Fine. . .” he grumbled.

“Aha! So you are younger then me. . . kid.” Axel snickered.

“Not by much! I’m twenty-three! God. . .”

It took a minute for this reality to sink into Axel’s brain. Twenty-three, that was a totally appropriate age for absolute molestation. Score! Now he only had to think of a way to meet his mystery telephone lover. So, maybe Roxas wasn’t his real lover, but a man can dream can’t he?

Roxas squirmed in his chair at the uncomfortable silence. His imagination had long since ran off on wild and crazy bedroom adventures. Roxas wanted to forget his job, his shift was almost over anyways, he wanted to forget all this computer mumbo jumbo, and he wanted to meet his stranger telephone caller. He wanted to know who the voice belonged to.

“Axel. . .” meet me somewhere, meet me somewhere and take me in your arms! Roxas wanted to say, but he didn’t dare. How could he risk rejection to a person he had never met? Better not to risk it.

Axel waited expectantly for the invitation he was hoping for with his entire being.

Yes Roxas, yes! Come on, ask me, ask me to meet you somewhere. Ask me to take you in my arms and love you like you’ve never been loved before! Yes!

But he was sorely disappointed. There was no invitation, or any other word uttered for that matter. Just, silence. Axel had never been one to take rejection well, and so he went into a complete and total sulk mode.

“I’m feeling a little tired, I think I’ll go. Thank you for the computer help.”

Roxas didn’t even have time to mutter a hasty goodbye before he was met with the dial tone. Was this to be one of those opportunities that he regretted for the rest of his life? It sure felt like it. He sighed and levered himself away from his tiny desk in his tiny dark cubicle and felt completely alone.

Axel hung his head, and dragged himself out of his wobbly chair to flop down on his oversized mattress. It had to be oversized to fit his tall stature. Well, that had definitely not ended the way he had foreseen it. He curled under his comforter and felt very very lonely.

… Kidding! Next chapter posted later today. Bwahaha. : We’ll see where this gets to huh huh?

Please read and review!