My Heroine

Rating: PG-12 for bad language (I think, lol) and just an overall adult feeling to it, I suppose.

Pairings: JD/Cox, Jorliot

Warnings: Slash of both gender varieties, angst

Author’s Notes: This one’s been bouncing in my head since the Control Arc when JD and Elliot were talking about their respective life choices, and rekindled itself after Lies and Truth for my Slashfic40 Table. In any case, I don’t know yet if I’m going to leave this as a one-shot.

Chapter One

Perry wiped his mouth with his napkin at the dinner table in his kitchen. Jordan ate quietly across from him; they had never been much for pleasantries at supper time. He placed the napkin back in his lap in just as much silence, and took another bite of mashed potatoes.

Jack crowed in his booster chair, beating against the white plate with his plastic spoon. He looked between his parents curiously, though even at five, he was long-used to them being quiet most of the time. Sure, he’d heard them yell a lot, but it wasn’t something he paid attention to.

Grown-ups yelled just as much as kids sometimes, and Jack only thought that it was stupid for the adults to yell at kids about yelling when all it did was cause more yelling.

Jordan set her napkin on her plate, and stood to clear it. Thoughts streamed through her head as she scraped it into the trashcan, and then placed it mechanically in the dishwasher.

This routine had been getting old for a very long time. Quiet dinners, hushed arguments so that Jack couldn’t hear, and Perry had been sleeping in the guest room for months.

Jordan held her hand out for Perry’s plate wordlessly.

Perry shot her a glance. "I’m not done yet," he finally replied.

"Fair enough." Jordan whisked away Jack’s messy plate, and then began to clean up the mess he had made. "Are you going out again tonight?"

Perry raised a quiet eyebrow. "Are you staying in again tonight?" he asked in a near-mocking tone.

"Touché." Jordan finished wiping Jack’s face. "Come on, Jacky. Time for a bath."

Jack nodded and began to carefully climb to the floor.

Perry remained at the table for five minutes, as was his routine every night he could make it home for dinner. Then he got up as well, cleaned off his plate, and grabbed his jacket.

"I’ll be back later," he told Jordan, who cleaned Jack in the bathtub. It would be his turn with Jack tomorrow night.

Jordan nodded wordlessly, and waited exactly five minutes after she’d heard the door slam. She grinned at Jack, dumping a pail of water over his blonde head.

Jack looked at her in question. "Where’s Daddy?"

"He’s going out with Aunt Carol." Jordan didn’t bother to hide that fact from Jack; he knew full and well who she was talking about.

Keeping a careful eye on Jack, Jordan slipped her cell phone from her pocket. "You want to see Blondie?"

Jack grinned. Blondie told the best stories, in his opinion. Her voice did all the funny things at just the right time.

"Yeah," he squealed, and splashed water over the side of the tub.

Jordan smiled, though she doubted her son could see the sad glint just behind it. It was just as well; Jack wasn’t meant to see it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Elliot threw away the remains of her dinner along with JD’s. Neither of them ate much; she was certain that she only cooked so much because she’d come from a big family.

"You going out again tonight?" JD asked her from the room he’d been sleeping in. He was pulling a hoodie on as he came out of the room, trying to slide his feet into his sneakers as he did so.

"Yeah. You too, huh?" Elliot replied. She hadn’t received a call yet, but she glanced at the clock, knowing that Jordan’s routine of waiting five minutes for Perry to leave still hadn’t finished yet.

JD nodded and walked into the kitchen with his friend. "What a mess, huh?" he asked awkwardly.

Elliot shrugged, sliding the used plates into the sink. "Can you do the dishes tonight? I’ll catch them tomorrow."

"Sure." JD frowned at Elliot’s evasion, so he decided to ask again as he finally gave up on sliding the sneakers on. He sat down on a barstool and slid one on to tie it. "How much longer you think they’re going to keep doing this?"

Elliot froze at her bedroom door, and then turned. "Don’t knock a good thing, JD. You know they only keep it together for Jack."

JD shrugged in response. "You love her?"

"That’s none of your business," Elliot replied, and grabbed a fitted jacket from her closet. When she came back out again, however, JD’s bluish-green eyes were staring at her intently in an oddly serious manner. "Lighten up, JD."

JD shrugged as Elliot’s phone began to sing. "You should answer that."

"JD…" Elliot trailed off, but he had already left. She flipped the phone open to answer it. "Hello?"

"Blondie. My place."

"I’ll be there," she replied, and hung it up. She wondered for a moment if she ran, if she could catch JD.

Elliot decided not to. He’d only have more questions that she knew she wasn’t ready to answer anymore then he was.

XXXXXXXX

JD entered the dim bar casually, shedding his hoodie as he did so. He spotted Perry at the counter immediately, nursing a glass of dark scotch with a distant look on his scruffy face.

"Hey," JD said quietly as he sat down.

Perry looked at him in acknowledgement. "You’re late, Newbie."

"Traffic and a stupid cabbie," JD replied with a shrug of his shoulders, and gave a grin to the bartender. "Appletini, easy on the tini."

The bartender nodded at him, even though he’d known what the kid would order. The younger always ordered an appletini, the older man he always sat with had a black label of scotch.

Perry snorted into his glass as he drank from it. "You ever drink like a man, Carol?"

JD shrugged. "Sometimes I have a beer." He took the green cocktail from the bartender. "Thanks, Nick."

"Let me guess…something light and pale."

"No," JD retorted to Perry defensively. "How’s Jack?"

"Still throwing food around sometimes," Perry replied. "I thought I told you we wouldn’t talk about either of them in this thing."

"Doesn’t mean I’m obligated to listen."

"Way to grow a pair, Sally."

"I’m allowed to fill that prescription for two testicles any time I like," JD replied, and sipped the apple drink with a sigh of appreciation. "Nick sure can make an appletini."

Perry frowned and gave a low growl as he finished his scotch. "Barbie on her way out when you left?"

JD looked at him; that was a new question. "Yeah. It looked like it anyway."

"I figured." Perry waited for JD to finish the green drink. "Come on, let’s get out of here."

JD noted the vaguely trapped look in Perry’s eyes, and decided that it was a good thing that for once, Perry didn’t want to get drunk with him.

"Alright." JD threw a bill on the table, and pulled the hooded sweatshirt back over his head as Perry shrugged into a jacket. "Where’re we going?"

"I don’t know." Once outside of the bar, Perry unexpectedly grabbed JD’s hand, surprising the kid as much as himself. "Anywhere but here."

JD looked at him now. "You want to talk about it?"

Perry looked at him, and decided he’d rather walk. He released JD’s hand and linked his own over his hair.

"I’m supposed to have it all right now, Newbie," Perry finally said. "Great wife…well, ex-wife. Awesome kid; Jack’s wonderful. I’ve got a pretty good job at a shit-hole they call a hospital. Still, isn’t that what everyone wants? Love of their life, great kid, and a job they don’t absolutely hate."

JD shrugged as he stuck his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, I guess so." He ignored the fact that he felt a bit hurt by Perry not mentioning him, but he knew why.

Perry stopped then, sidling a glance over in JD’s direction. "So why do I keep coming back to you, Newbie? I don’t get it."

JD felt a little angry then. "You think I want to keep coming back to this?" He swept his arm out to indicate both of them. "You think I live to just be the nail in your coffin of what’s supposed to be the American dream? Hell, I’m supposed to have that with Elliot somehow, and yet, here I am, every night, either getting drunk with you or spending time with you and your kid."

Perry glared at him, hands dropping from his head. "I hate you, Newbie; honest to god, I really hate you sometimes."

"Feeling’s mutual." JD kicked at the ground.

"But so help me god, I can’t lose you."

Unexpectedly, JD found himself yanked off his feet and into a bone-crushing hug. He lifted his arms awkwardly, cursing himself because he’d wanted this hug for so long, but not like this…

Never like this.

JD understood the desperate intensity, the frantic denial then. He understood it within Perry as surely as he understood within himself.

There were words Perry wasn’t saying, that he couldn’t say, that he’d never be able to say. He hugged the younger man harder, struggling to tell him what wouldn’t force itself past his lips.

JD finally relaxed in his hold, realizing that they were both shaking by the time Perry pulled away.

Perry kissed his forehead lightly. "Come on." He started walking again with JD beside of him. "You ruined everything, Newbie."

JD shrugged. "So did you." He looked at him again. "I love you, you rotten bastard."

Perry had expected that next, and looked at JD this time too. "You too, Jenny." He looked down the empty street again. "You can now blow it out your ass."

XXXXXXX

Jack slept peacefully in the bed when Elliot left the room. She crossed her arms over her chest and cautiously entered the living room where Jordan was watching a late-night crime drama.

"He’s asleep," Elliot reported as she sat beside of Jordan, folding her legs beneath her.

Jordan idly lifted a hand to play with the tips of Elliot’s straight blonde hair. "He always falls asleep fastest with you, you know."

Elliot looked at Jordan’s oddly calm face. "What about with Dr. Cox or JD?"

Jordan snorted at that, fingers still feeling the soft strands of hair against Elliot’s neck. "Are you kidding? DJ’s still a kid himself and Per just expects him to sleep if the room’s dark and the door’s shut."

"And you?"

Jordan seemed to stiffen at that, but slid a glance to Elliot. "I haven’t put Jack down by myself in months, Stick."

Elliot nodded shortly. "Oh." She looked at the TV, which was quiet enough that she could barely hear the lawyer screaming on the screen. She cautiously leaned into Jordan’s side, resting her head against the older woman’s collarbone even though she knew Jordan wasn’t much for physical affection.

Jordan stiffened when Elliot leaned into her, but relaxed momentarily. "Feeling clingy, Stick?"

Elliot shrugged under her arm, feeling Jordan’s fingers pull at her hair gently. "You could say that. You’re quiet tonight."

Jordan shrugged. "I’m quiet every night," she pointed out. "I’d think you’d be used to it by now, or are you really that desperate for any more girl talk then you get living with DJ for so long?"

"JD and I don’t really talk much anymore," Elliot replied. "He works different shifts at the hospital than I do, and by the time I get home, it’s usually time to…" She stopped for a moment, but didn’t look at Jordan as she went on. "It’s usually time to head over here or meet you at the bar."

Jordan snorted. "No life outside of the hospital or me then, huh?"

"I could say the same of your life with Jack."

"We’re not talking about my life."

Elliot shrugged. "Fair enough." She took the remote from Jordan and began to flip through channels.

"Didn’t it occur to you that I might’ve been watching it?"

"No," Elliot replied with a grin curving her lips. She eventually turned it back to the crime drama however, and let the remote sit in Jordan’s lap. "What do you think about all of this? JD’s so quiet about the thing with Dr. Cox."

"He’s got the right idea," Jordan replied evenly. "And I don’t think anything of it, princess. Perry and I still live together because it suits our purpose."

"How do you mean?"

Jordan looked at her as she pulled away. "Why are you still living with DJ?"

Elliot opened her mouth to answer with a lie, but closed it almost right after. It was the exact same reason as Jordan’s reason to still be living with Dr. Cox. It did suit hers and JD’s purpose; everyone thought they’d magically gotten back together somehow, and that was why JD hadn’t moved out yet.

And it was a good show that JD and Elliot had simply let happen, and it was mostly because Jordan was right. It suited their purposes just fine.

Elliot shrugged and leaned against the back of the couch. "Point taken."

Jordan nodded. "You know, Stick, this was supposed to be simple. The whole damn thing."

"What are you talking about?"

"This," Jordan replied, gesturing to herself and Elliot. "How is it that you can still make me feel alive again?"

Elliot felt her face flush and warm gooey feelings erupt in her stomach. "I’m just…me," she finally faltered.

"That’s just it," Jordan snapped, making sure to keep her voice down so she wouldn’t wake Jack. "You’re just…you. I wasn’t supposed to actually like you; you were supposed to be my annual lesbian fling and that was it. Now we’re sitting together in the dark watching late night crappy television six months later? That wasn’t the plan, Blondie."

Elliot glared at her. "You think I expected this anymore then you did? If it’s so horrible, then why can’t I just break it off?"

Jordan sighed tiredly as the anger left her as quickly as it had come. She pulled Elliot back under her arm and began playing with the tips of Elliot’s hair again.

"Because we just can’t," Jordan replied, and dropped a swift kiss to the younger woman’s head. "God knows why."

XXXXXXXXXX

Author’s Notes: Yeah, that’s about it. This just wouldn’t leave me alone for some reason. Gah, anyway. Glad I finally got it off of my chest. Like I said, I’m not sure if I’m going to leave this as a one-shot or not; still debating. I won’t be continuing it any time soon; I’ve still got about 15 more drabbles for the Slashfic40, and again, just joined an RP as JD XD (Taelyn, you should fill out an application for one of the remaining characters; we could really use you!).

In any case, after the table’s over and depending on the time schedule the RP runs, I’m going to attempt work on Silent Partner again. ::takes a deep breath:: Hopefully, it won’t be nearly as rough this time. ::grimace:: If it is, this story here might become my new angst-fic, or another one that I’ve been semi-tossing around with DarkSamu over on LJ.

Hope you enjoyed, let me know what ya think!

-Elise