I don’t own Fire Emblem. If you thought I owned Fire Emblem before you read that disclaimer, you’re either a complete retard or a trial lawyer.

Matthew Corrupts Your Favorite Hobby.

“Hey Matthew,” Mark thought aloud. “How do you feel about getting cheap laughs at other people’s expense?”

“I think it’s a damn good way to kill some time,” replied the bored thief. “What exactly do you have in mind?”

“Something crude, but highly entertaining. All you have to do is walk up to random members of the army and ask them questions about their favorite activity. How old were you when you started? Who taught you how? How often do you do it? That sort of thing.”

“That doesn’t sound fun,” Matthew yawned.

“Oh, that’s just the set up,” explained Mark. “Here’s the twist: while they’re answering your questions about their favorite activity, you imagine that their favorite activity is masturbation.”

Matthew’s bored expression was suddenly replaced by a mischievous grin.

“This could be interesting…”

Rebecca was walking along, minding her own business when Matthew appeared out of nowhere.

“Hey Rebecca, can I have a moment of your time?”

“Piss off Matthew. My purse is back at the camp and I’m not carrying any of my valuables.”

“Relax pigtails, I just want to ask you a few questions about your favorite hobby. How old were you when you started doing…whatever it is you do when you’re not shooting at bandits and assassins?”

Rebecca was caught off guard by Matthew’s seemingly random question. For a moment she regarded the thief with suspicion, but ultimately she saw no harm in giving him an honest answer.

“Well, if you really want to know, my hobby is hunting (a.k.a. masturbating). I started hunting when I was eight years old and I’ve been doing it ever since.”

For reasons completely unbeknownst to Rebecca, Matthew was laughing hysterically.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine,” said the thief. “Just thought of something funny. Really funny. Anyways, next question. Who taught you how to hunt?”

“Actually, I never had a proper instructor. I pretty much taught myself how to hunt.”

“And how often would you say you hunt, Rebecca?”

“I don’t know, I’d say whenever I need to. I have to do it every few days to keep the camp stocked, although sometimes I just hunt for fun.”

That did it. Matthew was on the ground laughing his ass off. Rebecca had absolutely no idea what was going on.

“You’re weird Mathew. You’re even weirder then Wil.”

By the time Matthew regained his composure, Rebecca was gone and another figure had taken her place. A very hairy, very unattractive figure.

“Have you seen Rebecca?” Lowen asked. “She was supposed to meet me here for lunch.”

“Yeah, I saw her,” Matthew grinned. “I can tell you where she went, but first you have to answer three questions.”

“I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, just tell me where Rebecca is. I need to talk to her. I had an evil premonition. She must be warned!”

“I’m sure it was terrifying. Now, here’s what I want you to do. Think of something you enjoy doing. Don’t tell me what it is, just think about it…

Eating, Lowen thought. I enjoy eating.

“…Now tell me, how old were you when you started doing this…enjoyable activity. Who taught you, and how often do you do it?”

“I’ve been doing it since the day I was born,” replied Lowen. “I do it at least three times a day—morning, noon and night. I learned the basics myself, but my parents taught me the proper technique at etiquette for formal occasions.”

“Lowen, you just made my day. Mark was right, this is fucking hilarious.”

“So, about Rebecca…where is she?”

“Pigtails was here a few minutes ago. We talked for a while, then she ran back to the camp. I think. I scared her off.”

“Thanks Matthew! I’ll run back to the camp and look for her.”

“I think I’m going to head back also. I got a whole list of people I need to question.

Erk was on sentry duty that afternoon, so when Matthew returned to the camp that was the first person he encountered.

Sucks to be Erk.

“Hey Erk, can I ask you a few questions about the stuff you do in your free time?”

“Seems kind of pointless,” Erk replied.

“It won’t take long,” Matthew assured him. All you have to do is think of something you enjoy doing…”

Slitting my wrist, Erk thought.

“…and tell me how old were you when you started doing it, who taught you to do it, and how often you do it.”

“Fair enough,” said Erk. “I enjoy doing something that I just discovered a year ago, right after I met Serra. Actually, Serra’s probably the reason I started doing it. I taught myself how to do it, and I usually do it after dealing with Serra. It helps me relieve the tension that builds up during our encounters.”

Matthew was in tears. He had never laughed so hard in his entire life.

“Congratulations Erk. That’s the best one I’ve heard so far, and I don’t think anyone’s going to be able to top it.”

Erk said nothing.

“By the way, your hobby is slitting your wrists. There’s no shame in it, Serra just has that effect on people. I’d do the same if I had to baby-sit that pink-haired demon.”

Matthew slipped into the camp and questioned many more people. But that’s a story for another day…

I Wrote this spur of the moment. If you want to see more chapters, R&R and tell me which characters you want to see Matthew punk.