Random Crazy Insanity

By: Sparklegirl Sassy

Summary: Kadaj and Yazoo commit incest which leaves Loz emotionally scarred, Yuffie becomes a pop star, Reno realizes he’s retarded, Vincent is gay and Rufus ShinRa’s secretary, and Rufus has an evil plan to blow up the Eiffel Tower. What else could go wrong? Kind of a cross over with Kingdom Hearts.

Author’s Note: I do not own a single thing! I would also like to say that the opinions expressed in this fic are no reflection of my own and are purely those of the characters, and I know that the characters might be somewhat out of character but that’s just to make it funnier. As for Jenova and Xemnas (from Kingdom Hearts) being in it, thanks goes to my spiritual sister Colleen for her idea of the Jenova and Xemnas pairing. I put them both in this fic to make things even more funny.

What Goes on Behind Closed Doors

Yazoo was waiting outside the door to Kadaj’s bedroom. What was taking him so long? “Kadaj, are you ready yet?”

“Yeah” Kadaj answered from the other side of the door. He sounded kind of pissed off. Yazoo wasn’t surprised. Considering what he’d talked Kadaj into doing, it was no wonder he was mad. Kadaj and Yazoo confessed their love to each other a month ago and only now they were going to have sex. Kadaj had suggested the part about sex, but Yazoo had suggested what Kadaj would wear while they were making love. He would undoubtedly look cute in it, but Kadaj needed some persuasion before he said yes.

“Then why don’t you come out and show me how pretty you look” said Yazoo.

“No! I look retarded!” Kadaj shouted.

“C’mon, you look beautiful no matter what” said Yazoo. Kadaj gave up and opened the door to reveal that he was wearing a white blouse, a very short plaid skirt, knee high socks, buckle up shoes and a red bow in his hair.

“You look very sexy, little brother” Yazoo purred.

“Shut up, dumb ass!” Kadaj snapped, pulling down his skirt in almost adorable embarrassment. A deep blush crept across his face that made him seem so innocent and modest. Yazoo walked over to Kadaj, putting his arm around his little brother’s waist and kissing him. It didn’t matter to them that people thought of their relationship as sick and wrong. They could all go fuck themselves. Yazoo closed the door behind him and then pushed Kadaj down onto the bed.

“Hey, Loz, have you seen Stupid and Stupider?” Sepiroth asked, walking into the house.

“No I - Wait! Who’s Stupid, who’s Stupider, and what does that make me!?” Loz asked, wondering if this was leading to some sort of insult.

“Kadaj is Stupid, Yazoo is Stupider and you’re Stupidest, you freaking mamma’s boy” Sepiroth said, smacking Loz across the back of the head when he passed his younger brother where he was seated on the couch.

“Oh yeah? Then what does that make you!?” Loz shot back, getting pretty tweaked with his eldest brother’s jerky-ness.

“A sex god!” Sepiroth proclaimed pompously, striking a ridiculous pose while roses and sparkles and bubbles surrounded him like they do in anime.

“Dude, you need a woman,” said Loz, “It doesn’t matter whether she’s ugly, fat, smart, retarded, Asian, African American, or secretly related to Rufus ShinRa, just a woman!”

“Hey, I could get a girl any time I want. The ladies love The Sepiroth” Sepiroth remarked even more pompously, flipping his long silver hair. Loz rolled his eyes at him. He couldn’t stand it when his brother referred to him as The Sepiroth. It was fucking annoying!!

“Well like I was saying, no I don’t know where they are” Loz said.

“Well go look for them. Vincent, Rufus ShitHead’s new secretary, says that he knows who our real mother is and when he gets off of work he’s coming here to give us the information. He would have told me there at work, but I told him that I wanted us all to hear it at the same time” said Sepiroth.

“Wow, you actually wanted us all to find out together?” Loz said, almost touched, that was until Sepiroth continued.

“Yeah. I wanted to see the look on your three faces when you found out that you guys were actually wrong about Jenova being our mother” Sepiroth had known for a while now that Jenova wasn’t their real mother despite their strong resemblance.

“Why the hell does Vincent work such long hours anyway?” Loz asked, getting up from the couch, “I’m surprised he hasn’t shot someone from all the stress”

“He’s ShitHead’s secretary, so of course he’s gonna work long hours,” Sepiroth answered, checking himself out in a random mirror, “Though I’m sure he’ll shoot someone sooner or later”

“Whatever...” Loz said, shrugging his shoulders. He went upstairs to look for Kadaj and Yazoo and when he was in front of Kadaj’s bedroom door, he heard something, but he wasn’t quite sure what it was. He opened the door and when he saw what was on the other side, he died a little inside and felt like he was about to vomit up his intestines. Yazoo was fucking Kadaj, who was dressed as a school girl, doggy style! “HOLY SHIZZNET!!!!!” Loz screamed before slamming the door shut and running down the stairs, still screaming, running around the living room 15 times before jumping on Sepiroth and shaking him violently, shouting, “THEY’RE DOING IT! THEY’RE DOING IT!! THEY’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT BECAUSE THEY’RE BROTHERS AND BOTH GUYS!!!!!!” Sepiroth wasn’t quite sure what Loz just said, but he got the main point of it. Kadaj and Yazoo were having gay, incestuous sex.

A few minutes later, Kadaj and Yazoo came downstairs. Kadaj was dressed normally now, but it was easy to tell that they’d had sex because of the state of their hair, the hickeys on their necks and they both smelled of bodily secretions. They didn’t say anything, knowing that by now Sepiroth knew too, and Loz was in the corner of the room, curled up in the fetal position, muttering, “This is all a dream... this is all a dream... this is all a dream...”

“Shit” they both said simotaneously.

TBC

In the next chapter: The brothers find out who their real mother is and try to deal with Kadaj and Yazoo’s relationship, while Vincent wonders why Rufus is taking French lessons, and why are Cloud and Tifa going to a dance academy? Find out next time!! Read and review please!!