Disclaimer - Seriously, do you really think I own them? I've been asking Santa for the last couple years. Even tried the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy when my niece lost her first tooth! But nope, no luck.

Spoilers - It's kinda based loosely on spoilers for the season 7 finale. References to The Good, the Bad and the Dominatrix. (I wonder which of those 3 I fit into? All 3 sometimes!). So yes!

A/N - Mention of child abuse, and implied sexual abuse. And I've only seen up to Monster in A Box. Fallen Idols is tomorrow (Yay! I've seen a picture of THAT scene! Woot)

So I apologise if anything is out of sync with the episodes in question!

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I can remember the first time. I was 11. My stomach had been sore all day, but I couldn't quite figure out what was happening. Wasn't until I got home I realised there was blood in my panties.

I was so…. scared, and excited at the same time. I knew what it was. I ran into the kitchen, and told my mom. I think she was more excited than I was. So we went to the store, bought some pads, and returned home.

But HE was home. He saw in my bag, and…. he changed. He smiled at me. Not that he didn't usually, but…this was different.

He smiled at me all week. I think I was happier about that than the fact that I was now growing up.

He came into my room a couple weeks later. Sat on the end of my bed. Asked me how I was. I remember blushing as he asked me about my period. It was so embarrassing. I mean, he's my dad! What does he know about these things?

I can remember crying. He held me down. Told me that a period didn't make me a woman, but he would…..

My period didn't come the next month…or the next. I asked my mom was it normal. I'll never forget her face. She went to the store while I was at school the next day. She made me take a test. Yeah… I passed.

She killed him the next night.

I went into a foster home. I told the mom in the house. I was in a different home the next day. She didn't want us.

The second home was ready. They made an appointment for me to see an OB/GYN. I got a scan there. And I saw it.

I remember crying.

It was a couple days later the pains started. I could kinda remember the cramps from my period. This was worse. I was in the toilet at school. I looked down and saw the blood. I cried again.

I felt so guilty. I knew what was happening. I was losing my baby. But I didn't want it. I was still a kid myself. I didn't want one. And now I was loosing it. It still felt…bad. I went to the office, and they called an ambulance. But no-one came with me. I was alone.

It was the loneliness that got me then, and the loneliness that is killing me now.

I remember this time. You told me I was late (did I ever tell you it was weird that you knew my schedule better that I did myself?) You had bought a test on the way home from shift. I took it, and we sat, hand in hand, waiting for the result. We were so happy when the + appeared!

I was still scared. I hadn't told you about before. You listened to me as I cried that night. We agreed that we would have to tell the guys soon. I was going to be on restrictive duty shortly, so we would tell them everything. We were together, we had a house, a dog, and soon a baby.

Then she arrived. Lady Heather, the only woman, apparently, who has ever rattled you!

I was processing her, when I felt a twinge in my side. I ignored it, because you took that opportunity to enter the room. But it got worse.

When you came into the layout room, you wondered why she hadn't fought back. She's tough! Yeah, well so am I. Which is why I told you to do what you had to do, and went to the locker room to cry. Damn hormones!

You didn't come home last night. And as I went to the toilet, I saw blood in my panties. I phoned you, but your phone was off. So I got in my car, and drove myself to Desert Palm.

I cried as the nurse confirmed I was miscarrying. She tried to phone you, you're my emergency contact, but your phone was still off. So I was alone again! De ja freakin' vu!

I blame myself. This is punishment for before. I didn't want my first baby, so I'm not allowed another chance.

I blame my dad. If he wasn't drunk, and a drunken ass at that, maybe I'd have had a normal childhood, and turned out normal.

I blame my mom. If she had just told someone, or allowed me to tell the doctors the truth about the broken arm, the cut on my back that required 12 stitches, or the concussion I got from…what did she say….tripping over the baby. WE DIDN'T HAVE A BABY!

I blame you. You left me here, alone.

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A tear slipped down Grissom's face. They had processed the car, and Nick had found the letter. Sara had gone home from the hospital to her old apartment. She hadn't been to their house for a couple nights. So she drove herself into work that morning.

If only I had let well enough alone with Heather.

If only I had turned my phone on.

If only I had invited Sara along, so that she knew she could still trust me.

If only…

If only. The one thought in Grissom's head as he held his (he hoped still) fiancées hand.

If only you get out of this…I'll show you that you can trust me.

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Finished. Yeah, I've not commited either way. I think that they might do a dun dun dun... cliff hanger in the finale. Well, they never have before so probably not. But if they do... oh!