Warning: Crack, fluff, silliness. Lots of silliness.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I merely toy with these characters for my own sick, sick amusement.

Notes: I started this a while ago when my computer was down. With nothing better to do, I started scribbling out a long, long crack fic that was a little Ouran, a little Happy Hustle High, and a lot of silliness. I sent a few snippets to A Spot of Bother (one of the finest writers on by the by) and she asked (insisted) I write more. So I did. And, anyway, I ought to at least try to do something long and chaptered. Right?

--

Three friends stood in front of their new school building, eyes moving in concert over St. Amano School (formerly) for Boys.

They’d gotten the announcement at the end of freshman year when Principal Edea had explained that, due to lack of funds and enrollment, Ultima Academy would not be able to continue as a single-sex school. Next school year, all the girls would transfer over to St. Amano and combine with the boys’ school.

“Well,” Kairi began, trying to sound optimistic. “It can’t be all that bad, right?” To fortify herself, she added, “My cousins are here and they’ve turned out pretty okay.” Granted, with her cousins, there had been nowhere to go but up, but Kairi kept that tidbit to herself. There was certainly no need to make changing schools any more traumatic than it had to be.

Naminé nodded, smiling weakly as she smoothed the pleats in her uniform, “The art program’s supposed to be good and we’re only a few blocks from the beach.” Kairi nodded her agreement.

“There’ll be BOYS!” Selphie crowed, eyes sparkly with excitement. “Finally after years of deprivation we’ll be at school with BOYS!” She bounced at the thought, apparently quite recovered from the shock of transferring schools. “Why are we standing here!?” She grabbed her friends’ arms and dragged them into the building, laughing madly all the way.

Before they even finished stepping inside, a pair of redheads descended on Kairi. “Cousin!” they exclaimed in unison, hugging her tightly.

“It was so heartbreaking!” one twin exclaimed.

“Tortured by the thought that you would join us soon!” the other finished.

“Yet we heard nothing from our darling baby cousin!”

“Axel!” Kairi yelped, hugging the spiky-headed twin before moving on to the pony-tailed one. “Reno!” She laughed, “If you were so heartbroken, you could always have phoned.”

The twins slid away from her, faces painted in a caricature of shock and hurt. “You hear her accusations?” Axel asked of his brother. “As if we don’t love her!”

Axel took Kairi’s hand as Reno grabbed the other leading Kairi and her friends to the auditorium. “Sit with us!” both said at once, settling into a pair of seats before the sentence was finished.

Reno slouched in his seat and grinned lazily at Kairi, “So what d’you think of going coed?”

Kairi shrugged and replied, honestly, “I’m not sure. Some people have boyfriends here but I don’t really know anyone.” Then she smiled, “Hopefully it’ll work out, right?”

Grinning, Reno patted her on the shoulder before leaning back in his chair until the front legs were an inch off the ground. “No worries, Kai. ‘Sides, you’re a Tarshil. You’ve got us to look out for you. Anyone tries anything, we’ll beat the shit out of them. Promise.”

“Reno,” Axel whispered, taking his brother’s chin in his hand and drawing their faces closer. “You’re so focused on Kairi.”

All chatter stopped as every female eye turned on the twins.

Reno stared, eyes wide. Their noses almost touched and Axel’s expression was one of deep, deep sadness, “Now that our cousin is here, will you forget all about me? Is a cousin worth more than a twin brother?”

There was a loud thump as Kairi fell from her chair, fist stuffed into her mouth. Not that her rapt classmates noticed their friend rocking back and forth from smothered laughter.

“Aw, c’mon, Kai,” Reno hissed. “Go with it.”

Selphie giggled with satisfaction to herself, “Now, which of you said I read too much Ouran High School Host Club?”

After the tearful moment, the twins separated, grinning to themselves. Kairi also returned to her seat, still stifling the occasional giggle. “When did you two start doing that?” she demanded, grinning. Her only response was two identically cheeky grins and an affectionate ruffle of her hair from Axel.

In mid-ruffle, Axel stiffened as his gaze fell on a cranky-looking blond. “Guh…” he choked.

Kairi turned from the temporarily incapacitated Axel to raise a questioning eyebrow at Reno.

“That’s Roxas Strife,” Reno supplied. “Axel’s gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide for him.”

Axel yelped indignantly, “Reno!” Kairi and Reno gave him identical expressions of wicked amusement. Axel huffed and stubbornly refused to answer.

“Too bad,” Reno added, “that Roxas hates Axel beyond explanation.”

“Well, that is too bad, isn’t it?” Naminé commented absentmindedly from behind her sketchbook.

Axel effected a miserable laugh, “At least it’s not as bad as Sora and Riku.” He nodded his head towards a brown-haired boy they’d seen walking in earlier and then towards the silver-haired one. “Sora’s been fighting with Riku for as long as anyone can remember.”

“Why?” Selphie asked, clearly dismayed at the disharmony.

The twins shrugged as one, “Who knows? I don’t think even Riku knows why Sora hates him so much”

“If someone were to ask me,” a newcomer interrupted, tipping the brim of his hat up to better make eye contact. “I’d say those two are trying to hide the fact that they’re in love with each other.” Then he shrugged, “But that’s just me.” He grinned crookedly, sending a wink Selphie’s way. For once the energetic girl was rendered speechless.

“Hey Irvine,” Reno and Axel greeted him.

“That’s getting kind of creepy,” Kairi informed her cousins. They replied, yet again, with identically wicked grins.

Then Reno turned to Axel, “Roxas is giving you a dirty look again.”

Axel groaned, throwing up his hands in frustration.

Kairi opened her mouth to say something when Naminé poked her with the eraser of a pencil. Kairi noticed, right away, the unusually sly grin on her friend’s face as Naminé passed Kairi her sketchbook. Quickly doodled therein was a picture of Axel with Roxas next to Riku and Sora, each couple crowned with a heart. In the background was an equally simple, yet clear, picture of Kairi, Naminé, and Selphie. The three of them were clearly congratulating themselves.

As Kairi passed the sketchbook to Selphie, she smiled at Naminé. “This plan,” she said softly, “is awfully evil of you.”

Naminé smiled pleasantly, “I know.”

--

“Axel Tarshil is staring at you again,” Sora commented, eyes glancing from side to side as he tried to flip his cell phone open in his pocket without gathering any notice.

Roxas made a face, “Why does he keep stalking me!?” Axel had followed Roxas around since they were kids, when the third grader Axel had, for no apparent reason, challenged first grader Roxas to see who could hold his breath the longest. Roxas had, flippantly, said he could do it for five years. Roxas had gone back to the swing set and Axel turned blue from lack of oxygen. Roxas had done his best to ignore Axel ever since. “You think staring at the sun too long fried his brain?” Roxas posited. Sora nodded his agreement, staring into space as he removed his cell phone from his pocket.

“Can anyone see me?” Sora asked through the corner of his mouth. Roxas shook his head. “Good.” The penalty for being caught with a cell phone during school hours was confiscation and a 25 munny fine. Disregarding the risk, Sora quickly typed a message to Tidus, who was busily staring, slack-jawed and gooey-eyed, at one of the new girls. Sora advised his friend to quit drooling. Tidus flashed his friend a thumbs up and grinned.

Sora grinned right back and stuffed his cell phone into his pocket just in time for Principal Ansem to cross the stage. All the boys clapped automatically while the girls looked from side to side before reluctantly joining in, accepting that whoever this guy was in their new school, he was important.

The principal went into a long-winded speech about the two schools combining and the wonderful new opportunities, or something. Sora wasn’t actually paying attention; he was too busy messaging back and forth between his friends to see who would be going surfing this weekend and who wouldn’t.

At least he was until batty old Mr. Highwind walked over to Sora and poked him in the head, scary eyes boring holes through Sora’s skull. “Say there, Mr. Leonhart,” he commented, gravelly voice low so as not to interrupt Principal Ansem. “That wouldn’t happen t’ be a cell phone in your hand, now would it?”

“No, sir?” Sora attempted.

“I thought so,” Highwind snapped and held out a hand. “Give it up kid. You can get it from the principal’s office after school, assuming, of course, you got the 25 munny.”

Sora groaned and handed the phone over, turning to Roxas, clearly distressed. Sora had, at most, 15 munny, which was supposed to be for lunch. Roxas shrugged back, frowning.

Before Sora could settle into a deep imitation of his older brother’s brooding, the polyphonic interpretation of Vivaldi’s “Springtime” rang through the air and Mr. Highwind went right after the culprit, following the sound right to Riku. Sora and Roxas exchanged grins; at least it wasn’t a total loss. Prissy Mr. Riku got his phone nabbed too.

Still, Sora had no idea where he was going to get 25 munny by the end of the day.

--

Sora entered Principal Ansem’s office, still without 25 munny and still without a clue how to pull it out of thin air. To make the situation worse, Riku was leaning against the wall of the empty office, the necessary munny in hand, also waiting to reclaim his cell phone.

“Roxas,” Sora hissed, eyeing Riku sideways. “Do you have ten munny?” Anything for a friend, Roxas hunted through his pockets only to retrieve six. Sora groaned; he needed his phone back. Not only was it his main method of communication, Leon would kill him if he found out Sora had gotten his phone confiscated.

Tidus had already gone home and his brother, Vaan, never had any munny anyway. “Reno Tarshil always has cash,” Sora thought aloud; he had no particular grudge against Reno, even if Roxas did. Roxas’ cold look, nothing short of terrifying, cut off Sora’s train of thought right then and there. “Never mind,” he muttered, shaking his head. Still, he had a problem here; either way, Sora was still four munny short and unable to see any way out of it.

Without any good reason, Riku walked over to Sora. “Here,” he said flatly, holding out four munny. “Just take it.”

Roxas and Sora stood in shock for a long second before Sora shoved Riku’s hand back. “I don’t want your munny,” he replied just as flatly. And Sora definitely didn’t want Riku looking at him like that, as though he were doing Sora some grand favor.

“It’s four munny,” Riku replied coolly. “I don’t care.” He pressed the munny into Sora’s opened hand, refusing to acknowledge that Sora was trying to give it right back to him.

Roxas stood back, watching the staring match. Sora was pouting again but Riku, through his annoyance, actually seemed amused at Sora’s resistance. An eyebrow was raised, lost in his silver bangs, and the corner of his mouth twitched with a suppressed smile. Riku just stayed cool and cocky while Sora got more and more agitated.

“Um, excuse me,” a soft, female voice interrupted. The redheaded girl the Tarshil twins had glomped this morning at the assembly poked her head into the office. Her eyes flicked over Roxas, then Sora, then Riku. For some reason, she looked almost pleased. “Has anyone seen Naminé? Blonde? About my height?” All three boys shook their heads. Kairi smiled brightly, “Oh, okay!”

“Kairi,” Naminé emerged from the bathroom across the hall. “I’m right here. Didn’t you see me take the left?” She, too, gave the three boys the once-over. Roxas felt a little like a lab rat being observed. “Is something the matter?” Naminé asked sweetly, her attention redirected to the three boys.

“No!” Riku and Sora snapped in unison, leaving poor Naminé somewhat taken aback. She frowned for a moment and then, inexplicably, brightened.

“Sora,” Naminé got a better look at him. “You’re friends with Tidus right?” Sora nodded, wondering what that could have to do with anything. “His brother is dating my big sister. Aaaaanyway,” she brushed that information away, “he said you dropped some munny in the hall!” Before Sora could digest the scatterbrained excuse for an explanation Naminé had offered, she handed him five munny. Sora opened his mouth to protest that he definitely hadn’t dropped any munny but was cut short by a long squeal of glee followed by a crash.

“Uh-oh!” Kairi exclaimed, a little too cheerfully. “Looks like Selphie hijacked the janitor’s cart! Gotta run! Bye!”

Perplexed but relieved, Sora shoved Riku’s money back. “I don’t need it now,” he declared.

--

After rescuing Selphie from one of the school’s trashcans, the three girl’s set off to Naminé’s house. Penelo, Naminé’s sister, greeted them and immediately raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Do I detect a hint of evil in the three of you?”

“We’re gonna se-MMMPH!” Kairi clapped a hand over Selphie’s mouth.

“She fell in a trash can today,” Naminé explained calmly.

“Uh…huh…” Penelo replied. Although she appeared far from convinced, she quit the third degree and let them entering, likely deciding that it was just better not to know. Breezing past her sister, Naminé fished some sodas from the fridge and the three of them rushed upstairs to Naminé’s room. They slammed the door behind them before collapsing to the ground with laughter.

“They’re sooo cute!” Selphie gushed. “Merging with a guy’s school was the best thing ever!” She took a long drink of her Potion. “Mm, fizzy.”

Kairi grinned, “Riku and Sora were staring each other down.” She paused, “It was kind of hot.”

“How’re we gonna get ‘em hooked up?” Selphie pondered. “Sora wouldn’t even take Riku’s munny.”

“Why’d he offer Sora money anyway?” Naminé pointed out.

“Because they’re in love!” Selphie declared dreamily. “Or Riku was trying to find a straightforward way to ask Sora for a hand job.”

Naminé choked on a mouthful of her Potion before giving Selphie a scandalized look.

“Well it’s a possibility!” Selphie insisted. Then she got a dreamy look on her face as she completely diverted the topic. “You think Irvine Kinneas is single?”

Naminé laughed a little into her hand. “Are we setting up Kairi’s cousin or you Selphie?” Selphie huffed a little, pretending to be hurt. Naminé ignored her and raised her Potion bottle, “Let’s make this an awesome school year!”

They laughed and toasted many deliciously evil plans.

--

End Notes: Well that was the first chapter. I hope it’s enough crack to satisfy.