Hey yo. It’s been a long, long while, but I felt it was time to get back into some writing. Sadly, this lovely little chapter was already written about 4 months ago, but I never found the heart to edit and post it.

But now, the time has come (the proverbial walrus said) to finally post it. I hope you enjoy this short, terribly paced, eccentric Hyrulian comedy!

Chapter 2: Bushy

“So…you use that for sledding?”

“Huh?”

“The shield. I mean, look at that thing; it’s as big as you are.”

Link frowned slightly, “hell no! I use it in battle! I mean, sure…at first I couldn’t use it, but after a couple of years I got the hang of it…”

“I see.” Tatl replied.

“Well, I do use it for other things too. It makes a great table when on the road, it’s handy when it rains…”

“uh huh, uh huh…”

“oh! And its perfect for crowd control at the sweets shop. Heh heh…stupid kids never knew what hit ‘em…” Link chuckled sinisterly.

“What the-?! What kind of hero are you, hurting kids with that thing?!”

“Hey, I don’t bash them with it okay? I just kinda….push them,” Link explained.

“That makes it okay?!”

“it ain’t my fault if they always fall on the shelf with glass bottles…” Link muttered, totally oblivious to the angry glowing ball.

“HEY! Shut and listen, won’t you?! I’m trying to tell you that what you’re doing is wrong! People suffer because of you!”

Link poked a finger in his ear and began cleaning it, “So the kids don’t get candy for a day, big deal…’

“..AND end up hospitalized! Besides, you’re a child too,” Tatl retorted.

“THANK YOU.” Link replied sarcastically, “who do you think you are anyway? Sheesh, you sound just like Navi…”

“Who?”

“…No one, forget it.”

He couldn’t recall when he and Tatl started talking, but somewhere along the way, the two of them made an unspoken pact to work together. For one, Tatl couldn’t get around some places without a large human-like being; and two, Link had no idea where he was going. They needed each other, whether they liked it or not (most likely the latter…).

Regardless, Link began feeling nostalgic when among his new fairy companion. It has been a long time since Link had a bossy imp around.

“Where are we anyway?”

“…are you stupid or something? Didn’t I already tell you?” Tatl asked in exhaustion.

“No, and Yes,” Link replied.

“Well then stupid, right now we are on the edge of the Skull Kid’s world. Keep a close eye on your surroundings; you never know when you want to return here.”

“Nah. Never. Once I get Epona back, it’s back to Hyrule forever. Screw adventuring.” Link vowed solemnly.

“Excuse me stupid?! If you want people to stop treating you like a kid, then show some responsibility.”

Link sighed, “jeez…you really are just like Navi. A little bitchier, but you have the same nagger attitude.”

“Yeah, well you’re just a foul-mouthed, perverted brat who can’t seem to listen to reason!” Tatl retorted spitefully.

Before Link had a chance to respond, he noticed that they were standing in front of a large, dead tree. Near the top of the trunk, there was a large hollow, like an entrance to a spider’s lair.

“Ah! We’re here. Let’s go.” Tatl said quickly in hopes of changing the subject.

“Wait, wait…what is ‘here’?” Link asked. Tatl hadn’t known Link for very long, but she could detect a hint of fear in his voice.

Tatl smiled mischievously, “It’s a deep dark scary cave with tons of death around every corner.”

“Oh wow. How does your little brother manage to get through that?” Link asked with genuine surprise.

“I was joking moron. All the same, be careful. You never know what could happen.”

“Aw, come on. How bad can it be?”

Some time later, in a dark cave

“How bad can it be, I said. HOW BAD CAN IT BE, I SAID! What the hell was I thinking?!” Link whined.

He took his time walking, since the bruises needed to heal. Being a warrior, he was used to walking with wounds, but the emotional scars still hurt. Really hurt.

You see…Link fell into the worst trap of all: a cliché.

“It was RIGHT THERE and I didn’t see it! How can I call myself a hero after that?!”

“Oh quit your pouting. It could happen to anyone.”

“Yeah, but it was a BAD cliché! I could have said a less dangerous cliché like, ‘I got a bad feeling about this’ or something…”

“Be thankful you’re still alive. I’ve seen fairies get hit by worse clichés. At least you didn’t say something like, ‘how hungry could that frog be?’ or ‘Maybe it’s staring at me and licking its lips because it likes me.’”

“That’s true. Or something like, “boy, deku scrubs have it easy. Too bad I’ll never be one.”

“That’s a jinx, not a cliché.”

“Hellooooooo! Did I hear someone say ‘deku scrub’?”

Link spun around and came face to face with a large piece of wood who looked like it was ready to kiss him; a common characteristic of your typical deku scrub.

Link stared at the scrub for a few moments.

“Okay, so is THIS a cliché?,” He asked Tatl while pointing at the Deku Scrub.

“I guess. Could be irony too.” Tatl gave a motion that could possibly be shoulders shrugging.

“Never Minnnnnddd that friends!” The scrub replied with an overly jovial tone, “please allow me to introduce yourself: my name is Bushworth Van Maple the III. You maayyyy have heard of me, no?”

Tatl interrupted Link before he had a chance to exclaim how cliché the Scrubs name sounded, “No, can’t say that I have. Are you part of the Deku Royal Family?”

“Alassssssss, no. However, My father is a butler of the family, annndddd close friend to the king I might add,” Bushworth added with pride.

Upon further inspection, Bushworth appeared to be nothing more than an average deku scrub. He had the short stature, the hollow eyes, wooden skin, and the mouth that went ‘ooooo’. About the only thing different with him was his leaf hair; rather than growing it long like most Scrubs, this one left his remarkably short. His hair was nothing more than a small tuft of leaves on the tip of his head, like a bush.

“You look like a regular scrub to me,” Link replied bluntly.

“Pleeeaassseee do not be fooled by appearance. I assure you that I have some quite amazing abilities.”

“Whatever.”

“But I digresssss. Boy, how is it that you could see in this unholy darkness?”

“It’s the fairy,” Link explained while pointing at the glowing Tatl.

“Oooooh, I see! My apologies, it’s so obvious to me now that the glow of this magnificent fairy is enough to illuminate the darkest dungeon…” Bushworth rambled. Link couldn’t really tell, but it appeared that Tatl was blushing from the remark.

“Yeah, I guess…if you’re brave enough to put up with the bitchiness,” Link added sarcastically.

Tatl’s blush suddenly faded, “Excuse me shrimp?!”

“Friends, Friends, Pleeeeeasssseee!! Stop this quarreling and allow me to explain my situation. You see, despite my standing and remarkable skills, I am terribly prone to bad luck and curses. And while traveling through these caves, I stumbled upon a cliché and broke my lantern. A terrible stroke of luck I know; so, having spent the last three hours wandering through these caverns, I’ve become desperately cold and hungry. When lo and behold: a light I see! I followed the light of this savior fairy, and here I am standing before you.”

“So you want…. a hug?” Link asked, apparently confused.

Bushworth clutched his sides, “OH HOH HOH!! Excellent jest lad, good show! But no, my point is that you could lead me out of this God awful cave before I meet a terrible fate.”

Tatl and Link exchanged glances.

“I see….”

“Right…”

In an instant, the boy and his fairy spun away from the scrub. They huddled close together and spoke in hushed voices.

“What do think, Link?”

“I hate him. Especially the way he talks. He’s all pouncy…and the way he over-pronounces random words is really annoying…” Link criticized.

“But he seems harmless. Maybe we should take him with us…”

“Hell no. You just want to help him because he’s your suck-up.”

“Not true! I think he’s insufferable too, but….listen, the least we can do is ask why he’s here in the first place.”

“sigh…fair enough.”

The duo spun towards the scrub, both feigning smiles.

“Right…um…what’s your name again?” Link asked awkwardly.

“Whhhyyyy it’s Bushworth Van Maple the-,”

“Right. I got it. Listen Bushy, where are you headed?”

“Whhhyyyy to meet the Hero of Time of course!”

“…Come again?”

“Ohhhhhhh come now lad; surely you’ve heard of the Hero of Time? He is quite popular among us Deku Scrubs. Or at least…his stories are.”

“You mean, no one in the Termnian Deku Kingdom has actually met him before?” Tatl asked innocently, giving quick glances at Link who was apparently speechless.

“Alaaaaasssss, no. None of our kind has never even seen the chap. Therefore, I felt it was my duty, on behalf of the Deku Kingdom, to bear witness to the real Hero of Time.”

“Thatsstupidyourewastingyourtime,” Link spoke suddenly, his words a garbled mess.

“How do you knonw what he looks like if you’ve never seen him before?” Tatl inquired.

“Welllllll, I remember the descriptions in the ancient stories. He is said to be very young, quite handsome, is clothed in green fairy garb, and wields a sword & shield. You know lad…if it weren’t so ghastly dim in here, I would swear you were the hero told in the legends…”

“No! no! no! no! no! you got it all wrong, Bushy. That is not the Hero of Time.” Link spat out desperately.

“Eeeegaaaddd! You don’t say? How is it that you know of this?”

“Trust me, I know. I’m Hyrulian. The guy you’re talking about is the Hero of…. Cheese.”

“Hero of…. Cheese?” Bushy blinked in disbelief.

“Yes. Most definitely the Hero of Cheese,” Link confirmed.

“You jest me lad. Why must dairy products need a warrior?”

“Think about it Bushy. Who do you think it responsible for cutting the cheese?” Link asked, improvising as best as he could.

The scrub began scratching the top of his puffy hair, “I haven’t the faintest.”

“Well someone has to do it. The dairy farmer can’t do it because he’s too busy chasing away the men that sleep with his daughters. The shopkeeper can’t do it because he is drunk all the time. Someone has to help out these poor, innocent people with their non chopped cheddar blocks, and that’s the Hero of Cheese: the greatest cheese cutter of them all. He uses his sword not for fighting, but for slicing! He uses his shield not for blocking, but as a table. It’s perfectly logical Bushy.”

“Indeed…” Bushy added with a degree of skepticism.

“I understand Bushy; it’s a lot to take, but you shouldn’t worry. There IS a Hero of Time, and I happen to know where he is.” Link spoke confidently.

“You do?” Bushy and Tatl asked simultaneously.

“Yes. Just so happens that, today of all days, he is in…the…um…place you just came from.”

“Byyyyyyyy Gods! The hero is in Termina?”

“Yes. His skin looks like wood, wears a large straw hat and a brightly colored mask. You shouldn’t have trouble finding him.” Link added with a smile.

“wood…hat…mask….my goodness, our stories were mistaken indeed! No worries dear lad; I shall inform the rest of the kingdom of this misunderstanding AFTER I meet with the hero himself.”

“Sounds good.”

“Thank yooooooou Lad! I should be able to find my way back from here. And fear not! The future is safe in my hands!” Bushy boasted.

“Go get ‘em Bushy.” Link cheered unenthusiastically.

“Well met boy! Onward hooooooooo!!”

And with that, Bushworth charged back into the impending darkness of the cave. Within seconds, Tatl was flying around Link’s face.

“…What are you playing at now, stupid?! Do you have any idea what Skull Kid could do to him?!”

“Come to think of it, Bushy did say something about being easily prone to curses…” Link stated while in thought.

“That’s right! So don’t you think what you did was WRONG somehow?” Tatl complained.

“Nah. All that matters now is that he’s out of our hair. Let’s keep moving.”

“…You’re supposed to be the Hero of Time. Shouldn’t you act like one and…I dunno…HELP people.’

“That’s true my little fairy friend,” Link confessed in a matter-of-fact tone, “BUT, now I could be wrong about this, a deku scrub is not a person. Therefore, I can thoroughly and confidently say: ‘screw him.’”

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!!!” Tatl shrieked out of frustration.

“Okay, okay calm down...” Link waved his hands cautiously, “If it makes you feel better, I do feel bad for the Deku Kingdom.”

“Really Link?!” Tatl asked excitedly, a small gleam of hope in her eyes.

“…because they have to put up with that annoying twat of a bush.”

THUD

Tatl fell to the ground with a heavy, heavy sigh.

“I give up…there is no love in your heart.” She said weakly as tears of defeat rolled down her cheek.

…I wouldn’t say that. Link thought to himself.

Tatl, amused by the look of thoughtfulness that appeared in Link’s eyes, gave him a firm nudge on the shoulder.

“HEY!!,” Link cringed at the sound of that all too annoying catch phrase.

“What’cha thinking about there?” Tatl asked, the small glow of hope slowly returning to her eyes.

Link stood silent for a moment, but simply smiled and shook his head.

“Nothing. Let’s get out of here, fast. I could go for some cheese.”

A/N: Yeah I know….this story hasn’t really gotten anywhere yet with the plot, but please bear with me: it does go beyond that pointless, Mel Brooks like comedy into a more, meaningful Mel Brooks like comedy. Like, History of the World Part 1 into Blazing Saddles. Or how milk becomes cheese. Well…not really. Ok, but one thing is for certain: I’m obsessed with the concept of cheese.

Anyway, if you have fingers, please type up a review! If you don’t, no offense intended. However, that does not excuse you from your reviewing responsibilities; you got to this website without appendages somehow!

So until next chapter (whenever that may be), take care!

Mr. Logan