I Hate But Love

A fanfiction for Wild Arms Alter Code: F

Summary: Rudy, Jack, and Cecilia have been traveling together for over a year now. Cecilia has to find a way to balance responsibility and personal freedom. In the midst of this problem, Rudy finds that the growth of Filgaia is negatively affecting one of their friends.

Author's Notes:

First, this is for Wild Arms Alter Code: F, but I'm pretty sure that it goes with the original Wild Arms just as well. Second, Rudy speaks in this because he isn't a mute. I may take some liberties with his personality due to the fact that he speaks very little in both versions of the game, but hopefully it will not be too far outside of the mark. Third, this contains SPOILERS for the game. Fourth, this will include pairings as I see fit to include them, so if you are sensitive about that then consider yourself warned. Fifth and finally, if you enjoy it, please let me know in a review.

Chapter One: Breaking up the Band

(1)

It was well into the second year after the demons attacked Filgaia on one morning when Cecilia found herself sitting in deep recollection at the window of one of their most often frequented inns. Since then, the power of the guardians had strengthened several fold, as could easily be seen in the reappearance of green foliage all over the world. Many of the deserts were now grassy plains, and someday, long after the lives of Rudy, Jack, and Cecilia, they would become lush forests.

Filgaia was recovering from a sickness, healing its own wounds over time. After just a year, the number of evil creatures that once threatened human towns, crops, and animal life alike dwindled. Free now to grow, the rare healing plants and natural animal species burst forth in number. Humans themselves were no exception to the sudden surge of life; babies were born in increased numbers in every town.

Cecilia considered this while watching Port Timney from the second floor of the inn there. It was just before dawn and the town below was still dim and quiet. The ocean was a dark line under the slowly lightening sky. Behind her, the room that she shared with her two friends was just the same. Jack and Rudy never seemed to have trouble sleeping for every moment the option was available, but Cecilia found herself awake early and unable to sleep again fairly often. Hanpan the wind mouse kept her company much of the time, but even he was asleep this morning, curled into a little niche at the back of Jack's head.

Their primary assignment as of that moment was to see to the peaceful growth of Filgaia, but the truth was that this was just a glorified excuse for them to have some sort of path to walk on. The three of them needed to remain partners and any reason beyond that was only a formality. Jack, a man who was attractive enough by all counts, hadn't even bothered with female company that she knew of since they had started out; and Rudy was apparently content as could be as long as he wasn't alone, and he could easily be alone in any crowd without his friends. Cecilia understood that, because she felt that way herself. As for Hanpan, she imagined that the little mouse had shared several pacts such as this one in his long life. She wondered how lonely it must be to be one of such a rare race, but Hanpan never seemed lonely.

Then, as if he sensed her thoughts shifting to him, Hanpan woke up. He stretched his back like a lazy cat might do, and then bounded across the room silently to Cecilia's shoulder. "Up again, princess?" he asked. "Does something bother you?"

"No, nothing bothers me," Cecilia answered quietly, so as not to wake the others.

Hanpan stared at her with scrutiny for a few seconds and then shrugged his little blue mouse shoulders. "Well okay, but don't be afraid to get it all out. I know Jack may be thickheaded sometimes, but Rudy and I are great listeners."

Cecilia smiled and stood up. "Thanks, Hanpan. But this is just normal every so often, especially for girls."

"Oh I see, it's that kind of thing..." Hanpan looked thoughtful for a moment and then bounced back to Jack's bed. Cecilia hoped that attributing her odd behavior to one of the very few things that Hanpan knew little about might keep the questions at bay, and it seemed to have worked.

The sun was coming up now, striking the ocean and illuminating the town. Hanpan hopped onto Jack's shoulder and bounced up and down several times. "Time to get up!" he said. "Cecilia's already ready to go, she even packed her bags!"

"Good for her," Jack groaned as he stretched his arms over his head and got out of bed, letting Hanpan fall off and find somewhere else to sit. He straightened his hair and put on his duster, then headed for the stairs. "I'm taking care of some breakfast first, I'm sure the princess won't disagree."

"I'm with you!" Cecilia agreed wholeheartedly. Whatever funk had gotten into her that morning was instantly gone. "Rudy, are you hungry?"

Rudy was always quick out of bed and stood rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Yeah," he agreed, very aware of the fact that Cecilia rarely left anything for latecomers at the table. With that decision made, they all went downstairs.

(2)

After a meal of mushroom omelettes they each had a full stomach, and were ready to set out on their journey. All of their things were brought down to the lobby from the upstairs room. Cecilia hefted her large suitcase, leaning far backwards so that her weight might balance out the heavy lift.

"I don't see why you carry that huge thing," Jack said, as he had several times over the course of their journey. "You never needed all that junk before."

"I don't have to pack light when we're just on a regular kind of journey, right?" she laughed. "If demons attack again, I'll drop it!"

"Let me see," Hanpan said, and jumped across Jack's arm to Cecilia's shoulder. In order to inspect closer, he then perched on the case. Being a wind mouse, he weighed quite possibly less than the proverbial feather, but this was still enough to send Cecilia toppling forward. Rudy lundged out for the case's handle with lightning-fast reaction speed, steadying it, Cecilia, and Hanpan all together just at the last millisecond before disaster.

"Phew!" Hanpan sighed, and chose Rudy's head as his new roosting position. "Either you're lugging more junk than usual, or perhaps you aren't working out quite enough."

Cecilia prepared to say something in reply to that remark, but looked up at Rudy, whose hand along with hers was still on the handle of the case, and the thought left her head completely. Since when did she have to look up at Rudy, anyway? She blinked, and then gave a small yelp, letting the case fall. Apparently the case was too much for Rudy too, and it hit the ground with a thunk. Hanpan abandoned his post for higher ground (Jack) as Rudy nearly fell over thanks to the surprise and the sudden shift in balance.

"Wh-What?" Jack stammered while craning his head around, looking for danger with his hands at his sword ready to fight. Cecilia wasn't reaching for her wand, however. She was staring at Rudy horror-stricken.

"When Rudy stood next to me--" she said, collecting her wits. Her shocked expression turned to a pout.

"Yeah?" the others asked together, looking for the second and hopefully explanatory part of her sentence.

Cecilia's lower lip puffed out in a way that was uncharacteristic of her. "Well, I just realized he was taller than me, that's all."

Jack groaned and slapped himself in the face. "Is that all it was? You hadn't noticed that yet? Geez, you scared us!"

"Has it been like that for a long time?" Cecilia asked urgently.

Hanpan laughed a little and hopped back over to Cecilia. "Don't worry about it," he said, "not everyone's got a bird's eye view, like Jack. I hadn't really noticed either."

"Give me a break," Jack grumbled in response. "You act like I'm a freak of nature. So what's wrong with Rudy being tall, anyway?"

Rudy himself waited patiently for Jack's question to be answered as Cecilia shuffled one foot on the ground in an awkward silence. "Well," she said after some hesitation, "I'm not getting any taller, but I bet Rudy's going to sprout up until he's tall like you, Jack!"

"And that's bad?" Jack spat. "Look, I'm a pretty handsome fellow, if you'd care to notice!"

"I'll get nosebleeds looking up at both of you," Cecilia complained in response.

By that time, Hanpan was chuckling hysterically at all of this. Though it was easy to forget that Hanpan was technically a rodent, that squeaky laughter reminded everyone right away. "Cecilia likes boys to stay short, that's what it is. This must be some kind of princess complex."

"That's right," Jack said, while brushing his chin in thought. "You like to keep a guy below eye-level, don't you?"

"Stop picking on me," Cecilia pleaded, and went to lift her case again while coming up with a classic cover. "For the record, I think you're both very handsome, how is that?" she said in the tone of a mother who wants her boys to stop bickering. Rudy went ahead and laughed at this, hoping it would diffuse the mild discomfort of the situation he was in as the subject of the issue.

"Ha ha, I'm onto you now, Princess," Jack chuckled, though Cecilia doubted that he was onto anything. Then he walked beside her and lifted the case easily by its handle with only one hand. "I'll carry this if you'll get my stuff."

"Thank you," Cecilia smiled. Then Jack dropped everything he had been carrying and she grimaced. There were sleeping bags and canteens and tool kits piled high. "Wait, this isn't a fair trade!"

"Well fine," Jack groaned exasperatedly. "Everyone put everything down and we'll split it three ways, totally even! Will that suit you?"

"Yes!" Cecilia answered with a brilliant grin. "That sounds like a great idea!"

(3)

"Let's see if we can still get out of here while the sun's up," Jack muttered as each of them went about unpacking. While Cecilia and Hanpan were preoccupied with examining the contents of her case to see if it could be arranged in a more efficient manner, Jack leaned over Rudy and clapped a heavy hand down on his shoulder. "I'll slip the heavy stuff into our bags," he said quietly, "Just don't let the princess know we're going easy on her or we'll never get out of here."

Rudy agreed to that idea. "Where are we headed to, anyway?" he asked in a voice that was barely above a whisper. They were possibly the quiet boy's first words of the day.

Jack froze in the middle of stealthily filling his and Rudy's packs with heavy items. He raised his palms to either side of his head and gently clapped his skull, obviously frustrated. "Crap, I don't even know!"

Cecilia did overhear this part. "That's right," she laughed, "We haven't even decided on a heading yet. I'm just so used to getting up and moving on to the next place, that I did it this morning out of habit!"

"All right," Jack declared, raising his hand, "I vote we start again tomorrow."

"No, no," Cecilia replied. "We can leave as soon as we finish packing!"

Jack sighed, wondering what the point of all of it was, but going along with it all the same. While they rummaged about doing just that, the inn keeper came to greet the early risers. The middle aged man smiled at his frequent customers, the well-reputed wanderers. "Good morning," he said, distracting Cecilia from her packing efforts. Jack took this as his best opportunity to grab some heavy stuff without her knowing.

"Good morning, sir," she responded politely. "We'll be out of here shortly. Sorry if we're cluttering up your lobby, we can move if it's a problem."

"No problem at all," he said with a smile. "I have a letter for you, though."

Jack looked up attentively along with Rudy as Cecilia responded to that. "Letter?"

"With a royal seal from Adlehyde no less," he said in awe. "You three must rank pretty high among wanderers to receive a job request from such a high place!"

"Yeah," Jack mumbled, noticing how Cecilia reacted to that. She tried to hide it, but he could tell that it upset her for some reason. Understanding others, especially young ladies, wasn't Jack's strong point, but after traveling with Cecilia for so long, he felt like he could at least pick up on something that was bothering her. He looked at Hanpan who shrugged, seeming just as aware but clueless as he was.

"Thank you for passing it along," she replied, and turned to her friends with a forced smile. "Hey guys," she said weakly. "I uh... have a note here from home."

Jack held his arm out to make a bridge as Hanpan hopped from him to Cecilia. "Can we read along, or would you like privacy?" he asked her.

"I'll read it aloud," Cecilia said with a short sigh. Jack looked at Rudy. Even he seemed to detect something.

Dear Cecilia,

I hope that this letter finds you and your friends well.

I know that you are enjoying your life out there in the world, but I must ask that you return to Adlehyde as soon as you receive this letter. It is not my wish to end your journey prematurely, but it has been over a year now, and affairs at home are in a turbulent state. Please return as soon as possible, at least to catch up on current events.

There are many confidential matters concerning Adlehyde and Filgaia as a whole that I must speak of in person, but issues concerning the welfare of Adlehyde are not the only reasons for my request. Everyone misses you and we would like to see you again. Perhaps you can view this simply as a vacation from your adventures? Your two warrior friends are as welcome here as you are, as saviors of Filgaia.

Hoping to see you soon,

Your Uncle Johan

There was a silence after the closing of the letter. Cecilia calmly folded it, and stuck it inside her jacket. After taking a deep breath she stood up. "Well," she said, finally. "I guess that means our destination has been made up."

"No big deal," Jack answered with a shrug. "Honestly, it feels like we've been outright avoiding the place. Maybe they need help with something."

Cecilia smiled half-heartedly. It was true that she had been intentionally leading them away from Adlehyde in a subtle manner over the course of their journey. Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't like being in a place where everyone saw her as "Princess."

The inn-keeper had gone about his own business while their group was talking, and was now behind the counter of the front desk. He called to them, breaking yet another lingering silence. "Oh, that's right!" he said. "I forgot to tell you guys... that letter is probably pretty old. The messenger who came said that they'd been sending letters to all of the inns that you probably frequent hoping to get a hold of you. Pretty rough way to do it, but I guess Adlehyde really wants you." He said this last part with pride. Though he was unaware of the fact that Cecilia was a princess, he seemed honored by the fact that such high-class wanderers were known around his inn.

"Thank you again, sir!" Cecilia said, then looked at her party with less enthusiasm. "I guess we need to secure a ship right away. Luckily, I think I heard that Captain Bartholomew is coming into the port today."

"I'm not sure that makes us lucky per say," Jack joked.

Then, Cecilia held her bags out to Rudy. "Trade me," she said.

She received a badly posed innocent expression from him in response. "Ah, what for?"

Cecilia smirked. "They're all the same, right? I mean, even if you are a little taller now, you and Jack wouldn't have filled yours with heavier things, now would you?"

"Busted," Hanpan snickered.

"I swear," Jack groaned, "you try to be nice to a girl these days and it's impossible!"

"Okay, okay," Cecilia laughed. "I'll allow it this once if it'll save us some time, but the condition is you have to let me cook dinner for both of you later."

"What punishment," Jack groaned. "We'll all have indigestion! I'm never going to be a nice guy again!"

"Fine then, Rudy can have it all."

Rudy seemed to like that idea, and Jack quickly changed his tune. "I'm just joking, come on! And Rudy, I'm gonna have to teach you to lie better."

"You folks have a nice trip," the inn keeper said to them as they finally picked up all of their belongings and headed through the door.

"Thanks," Jack answered and waved over his shoulder as he followed Rudy and Cecilia through the door.

(5)

Thanks to their minor packing drama, the sun was already rising in the sky above the town. The streets were lively as everyone started their day. They turned in the direction of the harbor where they planned to catch a boat, Captain Bartholomew's with any luck.

Cecilia drifted off to her own thoughts as she walked along the road with the other two. Normally she liked to enjoy the scenery of the busy port town, and to smell the yummy fragrances coming out of the little cafes and shops serving breakfast. At the moment, however, she was too preoccupied with the letter's meaning. Uncle Johan was a man who knew how to write certain things between the lines. She wondered how it could involve her personally in such an important way. Thinking along that path, she began to wonder if bringing her "warriors" along with her was really a good idea. Why were they emphasized in the letter?

"Whoa!" Jack shouted, breaking Cecilia out of her daze. She had been so "spaced out" as her friends back at the abbey might have said, that she had hardly noticed their passage into the port. The Sweet Candy was in fact docked nearby, and it had dropped off a few passengers of note: Calamity Jane and her butler, Magdalen.

It was Jane who had snuck up on Rudy and shoved him playfully, but hard enough to send him nearly flying off the pier. Jack held him back safely with one hand seizing the back of his collar, and Rudy's arms were still flailing for balance when Cecilia snapped to attention.

"I swear, you're such a light weight!" Jane balked.

"You always act like these things are our fault," Jack said, steadying Rudy and setting him back on the ground. Cecilia giggled at the situation, though.

"What my lady means to say is," Magdalen translated, "Hello, it's so good to see you again."

"Something like that," Jane shrugged. "We've been looking all over for you guys!"

"Actually," Magdalen corrected again, "We were fortunate to find you at our first stop."

"Hey Magdalen!" Jane whined. "You don't have to tell them everything!"

"It's nice seeing you," Cecilia said, smiling. "Have you really been looking for us?"

"Yes, I really have," Jane answered. "I have a message from that idiot who hangs around Saint Centaur." Then she stuck her nose in the air. "Don't ask me why I was there."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "So why were you there?"

"I told you not to ask me!" Jane huffed and stomped her foot. "Well fine," she said and then smirked at Cecilia. "I was there on a mission from Adlehyde."

"Adlehyde hired you to go to Saint Centaur for some reason?" Cecilia asked her.

"Yes, to scope out the place for housing opportunities, or something like that. Whatever, it's a job."

Jack frowned, confused. "But Adlehyde and Saint Centaur are way apart, what's the deal?"

"I don't know! Why are you asking me?" Jane grumbled.

"What did Zed say?" Rudy asked her. "Was it important?"

"I dunno," Jane answered him, and then began to imitate someone who is in a great deal of agony. "Help me, I'm dying! or something like that."

"What?" Cecilia gasped. The mystery of Jane's deployment by Adlehyde was suddenly the farthest thing from her mind. "Is he in some kind of trouble?"

"The guy was sick is all that I could tell," Jane shrugged. "The blind girl said you guys might be able to help."

Jack stared at her in disbelief. "You don't have anything else to go on? Just that Zed's sick and that Aura wants to see us about it?"

Jane scrunched her nose up in distaste. "It's not like they could pay me, so honestly, you're lucky that I care enough to stop and look for you guys!"

"I'm glad that you found us," Cecilia said gratefully. "Thank you, Jane. We'll ship out to Saint Centaur immediately."

"But wait," Jack sighed. "We already had a previous engagement, remember?"

"Oh, that's right," Cecilia said, remembering the letter. She must have been subconsciously trying to forget about it. "Adlehyde needs me for something..."

"Well shucks," Jane said sarcastically and laughed. "I guess Zed is going to die."

Rudy frowned at her bad joke. "We can't leave him..."

"Why not?" Jack shrugged. "I'm sure whatever it is, he can take care of it himself."

"But he's a friend of ours," Cecilia said, siding with Rudy. "Even I will admit he is annoying at times, but we can't leave him when he needs us."

"If he's actually asking for our help," Hanpan noted, "the situation must be serious. That guy has such an ego."

"But Adlehyde needs us too," Rudy added, obviously torn on the situation.

Cecilia nodded in agreement and then took a deep breath. "Well," she said, finally. "It looks like I won't be going to Saint Centaur right away."

"You do mean we won't be going, right?" Jack said. "A trip back to Adlehyde is no big deal, you know. Zed can wait a while."

Cecilia waved her hands in front of herself to give the impression that this was no big deal. "Oh no," she said. "I know my Uncle Johan probably just wants me to show up for about a month or so, maybe go to a few public events to show everyone that Princess Cecilia is still around, then I'll be free to come back. You would be bored out of your mind anyway."

"You don't need to go completely alone," Rudy argued.

"Yeah," Jack said. "There's a lot of us, we don't all have to go to Saint Centaur."

Cecilia gave them a warm but teasing smile. "You two didn't have any trouble going places without me before, as I remember."

"Well that was then and this is now!" Jack argued. Cecilia was taken back by how much the insinuation seemed to bother him.

Jane folded her arms crossly. "Geez, you know I'm about to go back to Adlehyde too, and nobody's begging me to stay!"

"I wonder why," Jack mumbled under his breath.

Rudy responded in a more sensitive manner. "I'm sorry Jane," he said. "I would like it if you would come with us more often."

"In that case," Jane said. "I will come with you!"

Jack shoved Rudy in the shoulder. "Great, now you've invited her!"

"Come on, now!" Jane nagged him, and then winked playfully. "If I'm with you, then Cecilia won't have to worry about her boys being up to no good."

"In other words," Hanpan said, "You mean Jack won't be getting Rudy into trouble."

"Right," Jane said. "And I'll loan Magdalen to Cecilia so that he can report to Adlehyde for me and get our reward."

Magdalen smiled slightly and nodded. "If you wish," he said in a tired voice, but Cecilia could tell that he was happy that Jane would be going on with her friends.

"That is," Jane said, "Unless you already have more butlers than you know what to do with, Princess."

Cecilia laughed at that; she knew that Jane was out to get under her skin, but she actually liked the idea of Rudy and Jack heading on without her this time. Issues at home could be uncomfortable to say the least. "Oh no, I appreciate it, Jane."

"Well this seems a bit uneven," Hanpan said. "You know what? Why don't I go with Cecilia, too. That'll make us square."

"Good idea, old pal," Jack said, holding his arm out so that Hanpan could easily jump over to Cecilia. "You know I'd normally be offended to hand my partner over like this, but since it's Cecilia, it's no big deal."

"Thank you," Cecilia answered happily as Hanpan hopped up to her head. Of all of their companions, Hanpan would probably be the most useful in this particular situation.

"After we're finished in Saint Centaur," Rudy said, "we'll just come back to Adlehyde."

"I uh," Cecilia said, sounding sheepish suddenly. "I could meet you there, or somewhere in between... you can take your time, you know..."

Jack put his hands on his hips to show that he was fed up. "Okay Princess, what the heck is going on?"

"Nothing," Cecilia responded with a forced smile that was more than a little suspicious. "I just figured that since we wouldn't see much of each other anyway, you might as well head out to see Zed and Aura, right? We haven't looked in on them in a long time. Besides... you guys might enjoy having a break from me." Though she laughed as she said it, no one smiled.

Rudy frowned and took a step closer to Cecilia. His expression was one of deep concern. "A break from you?" he repeated. "Why would you think that?"

That wasn't quite the response she had been looking for. "I mean, well..."

"We will meet you in Adlehyde as soon as we're done," Jack promised, and it almost sounded like a command. "This team isn't breaking up any time soon."

"Oh dear," Hanpan said in a humorous tone, and leaned over to look into Cecilia's eyes from his position perched atop her head. "I think you might have hurt poor Jack's sensitive feelings talking like that!" Instantly Jack's open palm swept out, knocking Hanpan off with a little mouse yelp. Cecilia caught him easily in her arms. She rocked him tenderly like one might with an infant, and he did not object to this coddling behavior, though Jack balked at it.

"Hanpan and I will go with Madelen to Adlehyde," Cecilia said, while unintentionally hugging Hanpan a little too tightly. "Jane will go with Rudy and Jack to Saint Centaur."

"That sums it up!" Jane said, and grabbed Rudy forcefully by the arm. "And since the Sweet Candy is the only ship that goes there anymore, we'll be boarding now."

Rudy struggled against the girl dragging him away. "Now wait a minute, Cecilia..."

Cecilia waved, and was grateful that Jane was making their parting a rather quick one. Even if it was temporary, it was hard. After realizing that their places in the world were somehow side-by-side, it was harder to split up than it had been before. "Goodbye, Rudy!" she said. "And Jack, you be careful!"

"Why do I need to be careful?" Jack laughed as he turned after the younger members of his team. "See you soon, Princess."

Cecilia faced her new traveling companion. "Thank you for coming with me, Magdalen," she said.

The tall silver-haired man bowed slightly. "It's nothing at all, my lady," he said. "It is on my way, after all."

Cecilia blinked. It had been along time since anyone referred to her in such a formal manner. "Ah, I'm not really your lady, that's Jane..."

Magdalen made a smile that veiled even more humor underneath. "And yet she has lent me out to you, and so for the time being, I suppose that you are."

"Come on," Hanpan said, "She didn't mean it that way."

"I know," he answered. "The way she pretends amuses me greatly."

Cecilia smiled and glanced back at the other three, who were already having some kind of argument after Jane tripped on the plank up to the boat's entrance and was blaming it on Rudy. "It is kind of amusing," she agreed.

"You should be careful not to pick up such a bad habit, Miss Cecilia," Magdelen said.

Cecilia turned towards the other ships in the harbor and wondered which ones might be headed towards Adlehyde. "Unfortunately, a trip to Adlehyde Castle means a great deal of pretending."