Please note: We don't own The Faculty (thank god), but we do love Josh Hartnett. Thanx to the girls who wrote the Pearl Harbor Mystery Science Theater-we just went to a different movie.
Hallie and Gina go to the movies, hoping to see their favorite actor in a hopefully scary, hip, exciting movie. Too bad the only true thing about the previous statement was that their favorite actor was in it...
The movie opens to a high school football team practicing in their stadium. The coach is yelling and sweating profusely.
Coach: Jesus Christ
Gina: On a cross
Coach: Get off the fucking field! God damn it!
Hallie: Whoa, three words, ANGER MANAGEMENT.
Gina: Wait a minute...
The coach turns to his two star players and begins to yell at them.
Coach: You ready to join the living tomorrow, Stan? You have got to feel the heat!!!!!!
Hallie and Gina: As much as you must be feeling it, stinky!
He throws the ball at one of the players and walks off.
Gina: He's a football coach? He can't even throw the freaking ball!
Cut to a meeting with the principal of the school. She tells each of them that they don't get anything for the coming school year, but the football team gets new jockstraps.
Hallie: Yeah well judging by the fact that Josh is in this, they are going to need those jockstraps to contain themselves.
Principal: I'm sorry, my frustrated hands are tied.
Gina: NO THEY'RE NOT YOU JUST FLIPPED YOUR HAIR WITH THEM!
The principal is locking up the school, while talking to a teacher.
Teacher: The drama club had their hearts set on Guys and Dolls.
Principal Drake: Well, maybe if they used last year's set from Our Town. Shit- I forgot my keys inside. Goodnight.
Hallie: Uh oh. Scary music. If I were her I totally would not go back into that school.
She walks down the hallway and into her office and goes to pick up her keys. She hears something and turns around, but suprisingly nothing is there!
Gina: Wow that was unpredictable.
She turns back around to get her keys, and when she turns around again, the coach is standing right there.
Gina: Holy crap, I'm getting dizzy from all this turning!
Coach: You're looking very nice tonight, Principal Drake. Do you happen to have a pencil?
Principal Drake: Are you drunk? Yes I have a pencil, take it and go home please!
Hallie: Geeze, I don't really wanna know what he's gonna do with that pencil...
Coach: You're looking very pretty tonight.
Principal Drake: Sleep it off coach!
Hallie and Gina: With the pencil!
Then the coach takes the pencil and stabs it through her hand.
Hallie and Gina: OH MY GOD!
Coach: I always wanted to do that.
Hallie: Well I wanted to screw Josh Hartnett, and that hasen't happened.....yet...
Principal Drake slashes her keys across his face.
Gina: Finally she figured out what that blue key was for.
She runs to the storage room and tries to open the window with her good hand.
Hallie: God it's so hard when you only have one hand.
The coach runs down the hall, blowing his whistle.
Gina: Can't you just imagine our gym teacher doing that?
She hits his head with a glass jar. She runs through the hall, towards the Exit sign. She sees one of her fellow teachers with big orange hair standing outside, waving to her.
Teacher: I forgot my gradebook!
Principal Drake: Jesus Christ open the fucking door!
Principal Drake: He's after me!!!
Hallie: MICHAEL!!!!!!! AUUUUUGH!!
Gina: Wrong movie, you crust, he's from Halloween.
Principal Drake turns around to see a dark emtpy hall, scary music is playing softly in the backround. She remembers that she forgot her keys (once again) in her office.
P. Drake: Shit I forgot my fucking keys in my office. I'll be right back. Yell at me if you see him coming.
Teacher: O.K. hurry.
She turns around and runs to her office door, cautiously peeking through to see if the coach is still there. He's not, everything is dark, and her keys are laying on the floor where she dropped them. She grabs them in one swift movement and runs out. She looks down the hall towards the exit sign, and sees the teacher still waiting for her.
Teacher: Miss Drake, he's coming!
In that slow, kind of Michael-ish way, they manage to open up the locked door. She slams it shut behind them, just as the coach runs into the door. In the process, she drops her scissors she was carrying.
P. Drake: Jerk.
Gina: GO HOME WITH YOUR FREAKING PENCIL YOU CRUST!
P. Drake turns to the teacher and breathes a sigh of relief.
P. Drake: That was close.
The other teacher stabs her with the scissors numerous times.
Hallie: That's for the drama club!
Teacher: I always wanted to do that...
Hallie: Like I said...