THE ACTIONS THAT BETRAY OUR MEANING

Rejecting What Is Different

“P-Pregnant?” Ed’s voice, which has previously been irate when he screamed at the doctor in front of him, was now hollow.

The doctor nodded, eyeing him warily. “Yes. The estrogen needed to have babies wasn’t enough in her previous form, thus, the change.”

Ed nodded, staring down at the wood grain in the table. He’d been brought into what looked like a conference room, although it was no less clinically bare than an office would have been. “How long?” he breathed.

“Four months.” Ed quickly did the math. February. It would make sense. Al hadn’t started taking her shot by then and he had slipped up and not used protection twice that month. But how was he to know that in four months, he’d be told that his brother was going to be his sister within hours because of that one transmutation? The one Al messed up on accident and exchange spared his life but gave him some new organs? And how was Ed to know that guys really weren’t meant to have babies and only girls were blessed with children? How was he to know that in four months he’d find out Al was pregnant, instead of five years later like he hoped when he had a job, an education, and not just 18 years of his life to go on?

But how was Al to know Ed was far from okay with it?

The silent car ride home was tense, to say the least.

X X X

The night went by with Al sleeping soundly, despite the nauseating fear he felt whenever he thought of himself or the baby.

When the morning came, he was changed, covered in a mound of covers with his face pressed into the pillow. Even his face had changed. It was an odd thing, really, that alchemy could have such an affect on someone. Someone who clearly had paid enough in Exchange.

Ed looked at him, his expression sad, and wordlessly got up and went downstairs to make breakfast. It hurt, knowing he couldn't have done anything to stop it, that everything kept happen to Al, and that he himself didn't want a baby. Not now; it was nice to take care of Winry’s baby Sage or see Hughes's twins, sure, but he didn't want a baby.

Al woke up with a start. She rubbed her eyes, sitting up, and that was when she felt it. Looking down she gasped and with a shaky hand slipped it under her pants, involuntarily letting out another gasp. Although this time it was strangled; she only tried not to sob.

Ed finished cooking the bacon and toast and set it out on the table, quietly doing so. He wasn't sure if he should wait for Al to come down or eat without him. Him. The pronoun stuck in his throat. He’d noticed the obvious changes in all through the sheets and his nightclothes, but him didn’t seem to fit anymore. Nothing seemed to fit; her made fear well up within in and he was torn somewhere between revulsion and compassion.

Al stood up, scrambling to find a sweatshirt. It was a nice day, warm in the spring, but in these circumstances, she felt the need to cover himself. She found a large, baggy sweatshirt and slipped it over her head. Coupled with sweatshirt and a t-shirt, she padded down the stairs and into the kitchen, not looking at Ed, and kept a certain distance between them both.

"I made breakfast." Ed gestured to the table, not looking at her. "But I've got to go write Teacher's essay." He grabbed a piece of toast and headed upstairs to the study. It was easy to say things would be fine yesterday, to convince himself it would be the end of the world when it hadn't happened. But when it really did happen, suddenly things weren't fine and his own world he’d built in the past two years had crumbled.

She bit her lip as she sat down, gazing at the food. After a while, she decided she wasn't hungry at all and her stomach rebelled at the thought of food. So she pushed it aside with sigh, before getting up and covering it, placing it in the fridge.

She needed to see Winry. Al left out the back door, hearing the wind chime she’d placed on it jingle as it shut.

Ed sat down at his laptop and stared at the screen for a minute before typing absentmindedly. It was only when he looked up again that he realized he'd typed, "Fuck alchemy," for the whole page.

Ed angrily slammed the top of the laptop down; alchemy wasn't bad, it was good. It had saved Al and brought him back. But it had done as much good as bad... Equivalent Exchange. He sighed, not quite sure what to do.

X X X

The phone rang, jerking Ed from whatever reverie he had slipped off to. He grabbed the one on the desk. "Hello?" He couldn't easily conceal the despondency in his voice.

"Ed?" Winry sighed into the phone. "Al is here… he--ah..."

"Yeah, I know" He pulled at his bangs, a nervous habit he did to distract himself from the unpleasant conversation that had started.

She heaved a sigh. "Al is still Al though… that hasn't changed."

"I know that, Winry. It's the soul that makes you human." He sounded exasperated and Winry could imagine him leaning back in his chair, eyes closed for a second. "But wouldn't you be a little unsure if you woke up and Fletcher was suddenly a girl?"

"Yes… of course I would,” she answered, caught off guard by the question. “But… I mean... I would eventually understand. And it would be like relearning him... and you'll need to do that with Al," she added, more sure now.

"Exactly. Today isn't eventually so don't attack me for not being able to deal. I've just now gotten used to Al with a body, not loving me out of pity, and okay with the fact that I love my brother. So you can tell it's going to take me a while." His voice was strained; he was on the verge of either yelling or breaking down.

"I know Ed... I'm note telling you to just jump in the sack with her..." That pronoun sounded weird on her tongue. "But don't ignore her ok?"

"I'm not trying to ignore him!" He didn't mean to snap, but it came out anyway. "But this throws everything out of order!"

There was silence on her side of the phone and when she finally spoke there was a raw edge to her voice. "Listen, there is no right order to things... so don't you DARE say it was a mistake--you'll break Al's heart."

"Winry, I'm not ready to have a baby! I don't want a baby at age 18 right before I go into college so that I'm not fucking around to see the kid because I'm in school!" Ed noticed the panic rising in his voice.

She was torn. She understood what he meant, honestly, but she was also furious, too. For him to be that insensitive, just right off the bat! "Well... tell that to Al, because I bet Al will most likely stay here with us until you get your act together!" She huffed and then slammed the phone down.

Ed grit his teeth, angry. Winry had never really understood them and she still didn't get it. The only person who had every truly understood him was Al and he only hoped Al could still see that and wasn't angry. Or at least wasn’t irate.

He sighed and redialed Winry's number.

Winry answered tersely, having already anticipated his phone call, "Yes Edward?"

"Put Al on."

"Hold on, Ed." She sighed, turning her head; there was a muffled noise as the phone was passed. "A shaky voice answered: it was Al’s, but it was a bit higher. "H-Hello?"

"Hey, Al, it's me!" Ed tried to make his voice sound more cheerful so he wouldn't worry Al.

A saw right through it, naturally. "Y-yes?"

"I-I just thought that since..." He paused, collecting his thoughts so they would come out correctly and in a fairly nice manner. "It's a fairly... big change that... maybe it's best if you stay at Winry's for a week or two." It hurt him to say that--a sign, that he didn't recognize, that he still loved Al--but he pushed it away as nothing.

Al nodded, biting her lip. She could feel the prick of tears at the corner of her eyes. Ed always hated it when they fought and she stayed at Winry’s. He was a wreck, practically begging her to come back, and now he didn’t want her? He was sending her away? "S-sure… that… that's ok..." the words slipped out of her mouth before she could protest.

"Alright… thanks. It's for the best. But I might call... or something… I dunno..." Ed trailed off.

“Yeah…” She nodded again and put the phone back in its cradle, her hand shaking.

Winry held Al as she cried into her chest.

X X X

Ed reached for the phone, panicking. He dialed Winry's number hastily. "Winry! Pick up! Answer it!" His voice was shaking. He couldn't find Al.

Winry answered the phone. "God Ed... it’s 3 am... what is the PROBLEM!?!?!"

“I-I can't find Al! He can't have gone far... he's noisy! He makes so much noise in his armor

She scrambled to sit up, her mouth agape. "Ed... he... Al is right here... she’s sleeping here, Ed… Al isn’t in armor anymore..."

"No! I just saw him the other day. But he was acting funny. I think maybe he figured out a way to sleep because his eyes weren't on, or lit up or whatever. If he lets me I'm going to climb inside him and check on his seal."

"It won't be there..." she sighed. "I'm coming over... hold on… just hold on, okay?" There was a rustle and then the phone went dead as s he rushed over to their house, swinging the door open after unlocking it. "ED!!"

He stared at the phone for a second and then wandered off back into their room. "I thought he said he wanted to stay in the closet..." Then he remembered where he'd left Al. He quickly transmuted the closet open and looked inside. "Hey Al, sorry I lost you."

There was blood on the armor but Ed's bleeding had stopped.

Wirny sighed as she went up the stairs and saw him. "E-Ed... he… he's not IN there.."

"Yes he is." He has a sheet wrapped around him but nothing else and he was sitting on Al's lap. "Just sleeping I think..."

She ran a hand over her face lightly. "Well... ah... um… how about you sleep on a bed then? Let him rest?”

"I don't like the bed. And I always sleep next to Al. He hates it when I don't..." He glanced over at her. "But do you know why he's stopped talking? He won't talk to me."

She bit her lip as she knelt in front of him. "That’s... that's because Al isn’t in there Ed... he… he has his body back. He… he is a she now though... that's why your reverting…” Her voice trailed off quietly.

He laughed. "Al's a guy! I've seen him... he's nice..." He curled into the armor, wrapping his arms as far around it as he could.

There was no use. She stood up and put another blanket on him. "C-Call me tomorrow alright?"

"I will if I'm not too busy with Al. I'm gonna try and get him to talk."

She nodded as she bit her lip and left.

X X X

Ed sincerely hoped that had been the worst dream of his life when he awoke the next morning, sweating, tangled in the sheets on his bed. The only reassuring factor was the absence of blood.

X X X