Title: Girl
Author: LadyyLuna (Note, not my LJ name)
Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly/Serenity or any characters in them, it all belongs to Joss. The only things I get out of it are wonderful readers and comments.
Rating: PG-13 (Mention of violence, but it's really minor and barely noticeable)
Pairings: While there is no particular pairing, there are small hints towards Mal/River and Zoe/Wash (just a little moment, no big emphasis)
Timeline: After “Objects in Space” but before “Serenity: The Movie”
Notes: This story was surprising. Again, my muse took me by the hair and forced me to develop this idea we got after hearing a song in Spanish called "Niña" which means "Girl" in English, by La 5ta estación. The song screams River and I did translate it and use it in the fic, but ff (dot) net says no no to posting lyrics in fics, so if you want to read it in its totality then by all means ask me my LJ name and I shall lead you to its original form. Do note that this story is set BEFORE the Big Damn Movie, but AFTER "Objects in Space". It's my first time trying to write something in between timelines, but I just saw this happening before the movie rather than after. If it sucks blame my muse, if it doesn't, then thank my muse lol. It was fun writing it though, had its funny moments and it took me 3 whole hours to write it which means my muse was on overdrive which is weird because I'm not in a particularly good mood at the moment, I'm sleepy as heck and need to wake up in five hours. Yes, this is what happens when you have a writing hungry sadist as a muse, the evil woman.

Girl (River's Ballad)

River was sitting on her bed, her knees pulled to her chest and her head resting on the wall. She couldn't sleep. She could barely sleep unless Simon made her. His medicines didn't hurt her, her body did. It fought hard against any attempted healing and River would soon plummet down to her knees, the voices, the pain, the screams, it would all rush into her before she could even feel it coming.

She could sense something in the air. News. The job. Her eyes moved at a rapid pace, her ears picking up the words like a stream of static that only she could decipher. The words belonged to one voice at first, then two and three...

She covered her ears, eyes closed, trying to mute them out and for a moment there was silence. She opened eyes to see a small child standing in the corner of the room. It was her.

"Mei mei, are you all right?" Simon asked.

River followed his voice, she hadn't heard the sound of the door sliding open. She looked back where the girl was and frowned.

"She wanted to play. Doesn't understand. I'm unwell. I won't function properly, might turn the game into something else." She whispered, bringing her arms to her chest.

Simon walked towards his sister and sat by her side. He touched her forehead, caressing it softly and at the same time checking her temperature.

Simon had gotten used to not understanding his sister, but it pained him to see her like this. It was times like this that made him hate being a doctor. It was a profession that helped people, but for all his knowledge he couldn't seem to help the one person he loved most.

"River-"

"No, don't make me Simon! I don't want to sleep! Don't make me, please!" She screamed, clutching onto his vest before pulling him to her. Simon held her, his arms wrapped around her, as she kept telling him not to.

"Somethin' wrong?" Asked Mal, having heard River's screaming in the cargo bay.

Simon shot Mal a tired look, as River refused to let Mal see her face.

"She's not feeling well," he stated.

"Ain't there something doctorly you can do about it? The screaming is gettin' a mite bit much." He said, not aiming to sound insensitive, but it was the truth. River's screaming was starting to get to all of them, in different ways of course.

"Not all that glitters is gold. You'll see the pearls. They shine in the dark, but they're not real. They want you to think they're real, but they're not. Deceitful. Promise you gold, but they aren't. Not even close." She spoke, her words flowing smoothly as she cleared her eyes.

"Huh," was all Mal could manage to reply as he directed his attention to the doctor, "we got a delivery to do in Santo. I'd appreciate it if you and your sister," he gave a stern look to River, "stayed inside. Ain't likely to find Alliance trouble, but I ain't in the mind of taking the risk. Should be easy enough."

"Should, but won't." She stated, grimly.

"River-"

"What's that supposed to mean, lil' one?" Asked Mal, an eyebrow cocked.

River pouted, feeling her mind tire and with a sigh she shrugged, "What it means."

They both waited to see if she had more to say, but Mal was the one who spoke after realizing they'd both be waiting a pretty long time before she opened her mouth again.

"Doc, would you come-" he said, giving a little head jerk to Simon so he would come out.

Simon frowned and left the room, closing the sliding door behind him.

"She gonna be a problem?" Mal asked.

Simon crossed his arms protectively, "I'll watch over her, captain. You can be sure of that."

"Good." Mal said before walking away. He wasn't trying to keep her caged, River knew this. He was just worried for her. He was worried for them all.

After Early, Mal kept thinking someone would crawl into Serenity and harm his crew. He was thankful to her for what she did. He trusted her a bit more, but she still wasn't well enough. She had to prove to him she was well enough. If only she could.

Simon came back in, this time River saw he had a plan.

"You're a boob." She muttered, tucking herself in the bed, pulling the sheets over her chest as she waited for him to come closer, but he simply stood there surprised.

"But you care for me. I'll sleep... if it makes you feel better." She said, recognizing the fact that he was so worried about her.

With a frown Simon revealed the kit he had behind him.

"Don't know why you hid it. Can see without looking."

This made him grin as he set the kit next to her feet, sitting by her again. "River... I want to make you feel better. You need to rest. I promise you won't dream this time," he reassured.

"Untrue. Always dream. Asleep, awake, eyes closed, open. I can see the dreams. They don't go away. They're silent, then loud, angry, then not. They're everything and nothing. They can't stop. Cannot be." She whispered.

"River-"

"Don't ask me. Can't make you understand. Shouldn't. You wouldn't like it, it's too big." She said, her eyes sorrowful.

"Try me." He said, looking directly at her eyes. She looked at him curiously at first, wondering, but then she smiled and sighed.

"I'm tired..." and without Simon injecting her with anything, she slept.

---------------

River walked across the catwalk overlooking the cargo bay. She saw them getting ready. She saw everything unveiling clearer than they did and further. She could hear the music, even though there wasn't any inside Serenity, she heard it outside.

Mal was the first to notice her wearing her little combat boots.

"Goin' somewhere? Thought I told that brother of yours to keep you inside." He stated.

"Not an animal to be caged." She responded, looking Jayne over. Jayne rolled his eyes.

"Ain't what I think." Jayne muttered.

River gave him a glance and smiled, giving him a message for him to decipher "You don't."

Oddly enough only Zoe got it, who smiled as they continued loading the mule and Kaylee looked at River curiously.

River heard the music now and rushed towards Kaylee, taking her hands and pulling her into a dance. Kaylee moved aimlessly, since there was no music to dance to, she didn't see sense in River's steps, but indulged in the girl's little game. After all, River was laughing, something she wasn't known to do often.

Even Mal stopped to look at them, a grin spread across his face as the little girl kept moving, finally letting go of Kaylee who was smiling while watching River dance on her own with a quick pace.

"River?" He asked. River looked up at where her brother stood and frowned, a realization in her mind.

"Can't be stopped. They never stop. Don't know how." She whispered.

"Who do you mean, River?" Asked Kaylee, putting a hand on her shoulder. River blinked at her, her face a blank. Had she spoken? River shook her head repeatedly and rushed up the stairs. A voice stopped her.

"Captain, Polo's sent us another wave. I'm guessin' whatever's in those crates has a clock on it, he wants it bad." Wash's voice echoed in the cargo bay.

"Not in the crates..." she whispered and looked over the cargo bay.

She heard Mal curse, not a man who liked to be rushed and Kaylee just walked over to Simon, who kept watching River with the corner of his eye. River sighed. They were all working, busy moving, speaking and keeping silent, but there was always a part of them that missed and remembered. Inara and Book. Gone now, not dead, but gone, and a part of Serenity felt dead without them. They didn't feel that, wouldn't speak it out loud if they did, but River felt it.

-------------

River walked around the ship, having avoided capture by her brother who had actually chased her for a good ten minutes before giving up. Now he sat in the galley, talking to Kaylee and smiling.

River liked it when he smiled and Kaylee made him smile. The sweet girl, always happy, always glad, dreaming good dreams, nice dreams that River knew she'd never share.

She had a dream of her own. A good dream she only had when she was awake. She was free, sane, part of the crew, part of a family, but it was just a dream. It wouldn't come true.

River looked at the doors of the cargo bay, surveying them slowly, pondering on a thought.

She had no purpose here. A bird had no purpose in a cage. She wouldn't be able to fly, to shield them with her wings, trapped in a cage. Serenity had landed in the town, she could walk to their location before they could even stop her.

She traced her fingers around the door. She had to do it. She couldn't keep hoping for a dream without realization and it made her sad. Dreams seemed to make life worth living. Everyone shared a dream some time, different sorts, but same relation. She had none, none that had a possibility to them, and it made her life hard to live, but she was forced to live it, so she'd live it the only way she knew how.

With what they had taught her to do.

-----------

River found herself staring at the starless night sky. There were two moons in the sky, side by side, both so bright and the stars seemed to hide behind them. The breeze made River's white dress speak to the moon of light and the blue knitted coat she wore that reached just above her ankles to keep her warm. She remembered the countless nights she imagined seeing a night like this, but under different circumstances.

A tear escaped her eyes, the one of many, as she felt the darkness swallow her for a second, before she began walking again.

She walked through the crowd, her eyes surveying the smiling crowd and some even winked at her. One of them reached for her, making her skin freeze, but she drew back and luckily the man didn't make a second attempt. There was a boy smiling at her, young, couldn't be more than eighteen and she felt his thoughts. He thought her pretty and sweet. A pretty, sweet girl.

She blushed, the thought caught her by surprise. It made her stop and observe him, forgetting her primary purpose.

The boy walked towards her, his intentions not entirely pure, but his approach wasn't threatening. He introduced himself to her with a small greeting, a big smile and finally he offered her a dance.

River looked at his hand. It looked welcoming and warm. She almost took it. Almost. But a thought fell on her head once she remembered what she came for. She wasn't sure if she was pretty or sweet, she imagined it could be a safe assumption, but she knew she wasn't a girl. Not a complete one, at least.

She declined, her smile broken, but worn. She wouldn't let him take her hand, because she knew what would follow him if he did, and what her nightmares would add if she did.

-----------

Mal knew there was something wrong with the deal from the moment he stepped into Polo's pub. The man seemed more nervous than usual, he could barely speak right, not that the man had any skills with his mouth to begin with, but Mal knew something was off.

When a bunch of strange men, obviously not Alliance, barged in the office guns drawn in the air, Mal knew something was very wrong, especially now that he knew the men weren't Polo's and the cargo had meant to be for them. But when he saw one of the men drag River and throw her into the room, he knew something was all kinds of wrongs.

"You know Polo, stealin' is a quality you ain't lacking, but cheatin' don't quite fit." Asked the taller man, the man in charge Mal guessed.

"And who do we got here? Pretty little thing, ain't she boys? She yours, Mr.?" The man asked Mal.

"Reynolds." Mal stated, but for some reason didn't answer the man's question of who River belonged to.

"Ohh, the cap'n. I heard 'bout you. You do transport jobs and the likes. Shoulda known better before dealin' with this one"

"I'm beginning to see that now"

"Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this cap'n, seeing it now is a lil' late. We want the cargo and the money our friend here was planning to give to you as payment," the man took the safety off his gun once he saw Jayne ready to draw, "wouldn't do that if I were you, big man, don't rightly think you're that thick to believe you can outshoot us."

The man jumped, their guns suddenly acquiring a new target, as the silence was broken by River's laughter. She had been face down on the floor all along, her ear to the ground, she could hear them. They were coming.

"What's so funny, pretty girl?" Asked the man, with a tiny grin.

Mal looked down at River, his hand turning into a fist, as he fought the urge to pick her up from the floor. River looked up at Mal.

"Do as I do." She whispered, patting the floor. It took Mal a moment to register what she said, but the sounds of loud marching gave him an idea as he yelled at his crew to duck. Bullets were fired, Alliance was officially in the building and once a bullet tore a hatchet from a crate, he realized why. Alliance goods. He cursed, pulling River with his hand, unsure of where they were heading, but just trying to find get out.

"RIGHT!" River yelled, pulling on Mal's arm, as she nodded towards a door behind the bar that led down a flight of stairs.

"Zoe! Jayne!" He called out. They were busy trying to cover the Captain, and themselves.

The door led to a hall with plenty of rooms and as Mal passed one he heard, pleased sounds coming from it.

Jayne reached for a door knob.

"Not an exit, dumbo. Won't be welcome there," River said, walking in front of them as Jayne angrily followed, "or anywhere."

"Sir, where's she taking us?" Zoe inquired.

"Don't rightly know, but right now anywhere would be better."

Jayne cursed under his breath, "did that ruttin' job an' for what? Dumb ass Polo can't even do a job right, gorram it. I ain't eatin' no more of that pile of pi shi protein." He was about to keep complaining when a bag was thrown his way which he quickly caught.

It was the blue bag Polo had been holding, the money, before he dropped to the ground. River had thrown it.

"There." She said, pointing at an open room without a door, revealing a flight of stairs that led to the outside. They all stepped outside except River, who began to hear more screams, the ones who had been in the rooms. They weren't being killed... but they weren't being pleased anymore.

"Hey, c'mon," Mal called out to her and extended his hand for her to take. She sighed before taking his hand and for a moment, she felt like she couldn't be caught, but the pain was still there.

--------------

As soon as River stepped onto Serenity she knew the anger that would ensue. Her brother came rushing to her, hugging her and then pulling himself from her to make sure she was all right. He panicked when he noticed red dots on her white dress.

"Not mine." she reassured.

"Captain-"

"I told you to keep an eye over her, didn't I tell you that?"

"I did-"

"Yeah well, you're certainly havin' some visual problems of the special kind that keep you from watching your sister, but still let you spot a little drop of blood a mile away," Mal said amusedly.

"She saved our lives, doc." Zoe said, going to meet her husband who had just reached the bottom of the stairs.

"She did?" Asked both Wash and Simon in unison.

River was standing not too far from Wash, having stepped away when she saw Simon about to argue with Mal.

"Ah, well, welcome to the family of crooks, bao bei. First lesson, always leave Jayne behind." Wash joked, as he threw an arm over River's shoulder.

Jayne cursed at the pilot, but Mal grinned mildly, before remembering why they had left.

"Wash, we gotta leave this rock. Alliance."

"Alliance? I didn't see nothing-"

"You wouldn't. They're not Alliance." River stated. Everyone looked at her, "Dressed as Alliance, but not. Crooks. Like us."

"River, mei mei. We're not crooks." Simon stated sternly, giving Mal a disapproving glance.

River frowned. She didn't mind the title.

"Right, course not, we're business men, the best kind you can find." Mal replied as he walked up the stairs, giving Wash and Kaylee new instructions, to see if they could buy some things so they could at least have food to eat before they left for the black.

Everyone started going their own way. River received a few pats on the back, in particular from Zoe and Kaylee.

"That was fun." She told Simon.

"River, you can't- stealing isn't fun. Killing isn't fun either. It's..."

"Bad?"

"Yes, bad."

"You'd allow someone to shoot you because shooting him first would be bad?" She taunted with a slight grin.

"Well, no. You see, killing should be a final option... self-defense." He tried to explain.

River tilted her head and her eyes opened wide. A painful realization came to her. She was bad. She had dreams of death, killing, all the time. She was just like them. She was supposed to be like them, but she wasn't as cold. Wasn't as empty.

She ran up the stairs, ignoring her brother's call as she walked inside her room. She wanted to be a crook, a part of the crew, but she couldn't be. It was an impracticable equation, but she'd try to solve it. She had to.

They were all in the galley, enjoying the products of the interesting success of their last job. There was food, actual whole food, on the table. Breads, fruits, vegetables, and even meat, with the right touch of spices here and there. Mal had been careful to monitor everything Kaylee put in. He knew if he allowed it she'd have the table groaning with food and waste what they could probably live off for a month in one day.

The room was busy with talk and eating.

River just smiled softly observing them. Wash, with one hand over Zoe's shoulder, even as he ate. Kaylee, full of smiles, talking to Simon. Mal, keeping an ear on everyone's jokes as they ate, and Jayne was too busy chewing for anything, but it didn't keep him from talking and spitting some of his food out of his mouth.

River chuckled, small laughs that soon grew into louder ones. Everyone assumed she was laughing at one of the jokes they had just shared, but as her laughter continued, they no longer assumed. Jayne's mouth was partly open, the chewed contents still there. Her face was almost red and she was covering her face now.

"What's so funny?" asked Kaylee, giving her a little nudge.

It was as if she had suddenly realized she was laughing, she stopped and looked at everyone around her. She gave a small smile and started poking her food, "Laughter is meant to be man's best medicine. It makes you feel better when everything else fails to, that's what they say, but it can't be true. They can't heal. They laugh, even if you don't hear it, they're laughing, when they take out their knives and press them on your skin, pulling it off, peeling it and laughing loud enough to mute your own screams-"

"That's enough, River." Mal cut her off in a solemn voice.

River looked up in surprise, his tone scaring her for a moment, but then she realized, everyone was looking at her strangely. Kaylee was fearful, Wash was a little grossed out, Zoe wondered what she spoke of, Jayne just wondered if she'd take another knife on him and Simon was concerned. She stood up from the chair, muttering an 'I'm sorry' before leaving the table.

River sat on the catwalk of the cargo bay, resting on arms and chin on the railings, when she felt him coming. She sighed. "Didn't mean to be morbid and creepifying," she said, remembering past said words, "will do it quiet-like next time."

"River," he didn't really want to ask, he didn't even know why he didn't let the doctor go after her himself, she was after all his sister, his responsibility, but he guessed she was already becoming part of his crew quicker than he expected, "somethin' you want to talk about?"

"Everyone has dreams, things they want and chase after. They all have one, even Jayne."

"Don't rightly think whatever Jayne dreams of is worth troublin' yourself over, lil' one." Said Mal, sitting himself beside her.

"It's not what he dreams of, he dreams. You all do. Of home, family, love, peace... serenity." She said the final word in an almost inaudible whisper.

"You don't dream those things?" He asked curiously.

She shook her head.

"I close my eyes, I can't see home. Too messy, cluttered space, things that don't belong, they make no sense. They're waiting for something. A word, orders, instructions, to sort themselves out, they're waiting for someone, but they don't tell me who, or what." She said.

Mal really wished he had let the doctor chase after her now. He put his arm over her shoulder, his palm meeting the other side of her face so he could pull her head towards his chest.

"I ain't no fancy doctor, but I can tell you this. Dreams ain't much use in life when you have to live it with your eyes open." He said, making her smile softly, "You did a good job tonight. Running away from your brother, doing what I said not to, and saving us in the meantime. Yeah, good job."

This brought a chuckle from her. River looked up at him, her lips inches away from his chin, and when he moved down to meet her eyes, his lips replaced the space his chin kept.

Mal quickly moved back, the words 'Special Hell' ringing a bell in his ears which his lower region ignored. "I should get going, got captainy things to do" He said, getting up from the ground.

River looked at him, curious and wondering. She sighed, watching him go before looking at the cargo bay once again. A dream had almost touched her lips, and then left.

---------------

River laid down on her bed. Her brother had come by to see her, to make sure she was all right and she was. The day had been long, she had started without a dream and now, at its ended, she still had no dream to speak of. She wondered if it would always be that way. Although she knew no day on Serenity was monotonous, she wondered if she herself ever would be. When would she know what a dream was? A dream of her own, instead of the ones of death, blood and war.

She didn't know how long she could last without knowing one. She wanted at least one night with a dream to call her own, memories that were not accompanied by strangers, words that came from her mind, and not at random. She wanted to get better. She wanted to go on, find a dream, and get better. As her eyes began to close, she slept, another dream full of images that didn't belong to her, and as she slept, her mouth uttered words that didn't come from her, but marked the beginning of the journey to a dream.

"Miranda"

The End