Title: Body
Author: LadyyLuna (Note, that is not my screen name in LJ)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Serenity or Firefly or any of the characters in them, it’s all Joss’ property :)
Rating: R
Pairings: Mal/River
Notes: Another short piece, but this was actually a request from a very dear friend. I drew inspiration from the song is “Body” by The Servant. The song I actually found kind of hard to find a story idea from, because it’s not really romantic, but it’s not romance-less either.

Body

Simon cursed as he stitched up his sisters’ wounds while she made no complaints. It had been a little more than a year since he witnessed his sister’s fighting skills for himself, and he wished it would have been the last time. Granted, she had saved them from the Reavers thanks to those skills, but he wasn’t keen on the idea of his little sister risking her life for anyone. It was an argument he still made with the captain, but he lost on two accounts. One, the captain never listened to him and reminded him that he wasn’t in a position to give orders, and two, River usually went willingly.

River could hear his worries, but said nothing. Her mind was somewhere else… on someone else. He had always puzzled her. How he took it in him to take care of his crew, and even her. He had saved her numerous times, and she had done the same for him, yet… there was that line she could see in her mind. That line where they both stood between. A line she was being tempted to cross, but there were too many variables to think over.

“River?” asked Simon for the second time. River turned her head to look at him. “Do you want-”

“Okay” she said tiredly, reading the thought from his mind as he reached for a shelf. It was her ‘special’ medicine. It would keep her from feeling other people’s emotions and thoughts, as she usually did, but the injection had its’ usual side effects. He looked at her with a frown as he injected her with the medicine. He threw the used syringe into the trash and looked at his sister with a worried expression. “I’m fine, Simon. Thank you.” she said sitting up without even inspecting her brothers’ work. She knew he had done everything perfectly.

She stepped out of the Medbay and walked, almost unconsciously, into the cargo bay. She hugged herself while she walked and counted the people she had just killed. They were all thieves and murderers, but she could feel them in her skin. Every life she took made her feel further away from human. She felt… like a machine, a machine that the alliance had created. Jayne, Zoë, and Mal killed in self-defense. She sometimes thought she was part of the self-defense category, but part of her felt that it wasn’t so. She killed because she was good at it. She killed because that’s what they programmed her to do. ‘Programmed. Like a machine’ she thought as she kept walking around Serenity, not really knowing where she was going, she just walked.

Finally she stopped. She was in front of his bunk. She was unsure of the why she had ended up there. It was that line, that strange line in her mind where Mal stood on the other side. She wanted to reach out to him, but why? Strangely enough, she had admitted that he was one of the few people that didn’t see her as a machine. He did use her for their jobs, but he didn’t do this out of spite or self-interest, but because he knew she would help him save lives. She was thankful to him. It was in those jobs that her mind shut down and her body acted without fear and worries. She unleashed herself and for the first time, she felt free, instead of feeling torn by the weapon in her mind and the broken self within her heart.

Mal had been standing in the doorway to the bridge for a couple of minutes. He was looking at the passage where the bunks were, but most importantly, where River was. If she had sensed him, she wasn’t letting him in on it. He could see the stitches on her shoulder, another stitch on her leg, and even one on her cheek making him curse in his mind. He was to blame for it. Another job turned sour, and again River was the one who made the tables turn their way instead of against them. He was grateful for the girl, but he couldn’t help but feel he was fucking her up more than she already was.

He felt like calling out to her, especially since she was standing in front of his bunk, but he couldn’t find the words. He had been different around her, at least when no one was around, he was conscious of a thought that had presented to him in his mind. River wasn’t a little girl anymore. She was a woman. It was a thought that crept into his mind shortly after Inara left, during a job where River successfully seduced a man who was about to kill them all, and then did something that even made Jayne see her in a completely different light. It wasn’t the same light Mal was seeing her in, but a light none the less. She had bent down to ‘please’ the man, in front of Mal, Zoë, and Jayne, and then she bit it off. He still remembered the sight of blood on her mouth, and how after she had freed them, she puked.

They were ghosts, both of them, walking around Serenity. Serenity could sense the troubles within her, the troubles of her children, and it hurt her so. Zoë still grieved over her deceased husband, Kaylee missed her friends, Simon feared for his sisters’ well being, Jayne wouldn’t admit it, but he also thought of the deceased crew members, while Mal and River… They were something special. They were the ghosts within her, slightly different, and somewhat alike. They both had blood in their hands, they both looked at it in the same way, and they thought of their hearts as cursed, broken and/or invisible, but the truth was, they could both see into each other, they were just too afraid and/or confused to reach for it.

“Hey there, little one” he whispered finally, making River give a sharp turn, her eyes wide and dark.

“Hi” she said looking at the floor to avoid the calling of the sea inside his eyes and noticing she was still wearing her boots, yet she could still feel the cold metal below them.

“Lookin’ for me?” he asked nodding to the bunk that she was still standing in front of.

“Not really” she said with a sigh as she kept looking to the ground. There was a silence for a moment.

“You did good today” he said trying to break the silence.

“No, I didn’t. You and Zoë got hurt. Didn’t move fast enough” she said thinking back on the battle she had experienced. They were out numbered, like always, and they had better guns. She was killing most of them, but she could only do so much. She couldn’t be in two places at the same time, or three.

“Hey” he said walking towards her this time and putting his hand on her shoulder. “You did good. We’re alive, that’s what matters” he said. She looked up at him, startled by his touch and the fact that he kept rubbing on her shoulder. She wished Simon wouldn’t have given her the shot. She could barely read into his mind without her head aching, and she was starting to feel the side effect kicking in her stomach.

“Bao bay, you okay?” he asked seeing her face twist for a second. She answered him by putting her arms around her stomach and nodding.

“I’m fine. Simon gave me medicine. Should go” she said biting her lip.

“Okay, you go rest now” he said as he watched her turn around to leave. He stuck his thumbs inside his pockets and his heart gave a halt when he saw her stop in the door way.

River’s body was fighting the medicine, or maybe she was forcing her body to fight it, she wasn’t sure, but she could see into his head again with some pain and struggle. She could barely understand everything she saw, the medicine making it harder than usual, but she did pick up one thing.

“I don’t mind. You’re not hurting me. You’re letting me fly.” she said leaving him to figure out the message on his own. He and Simon were the only ones that made her feel like she had a pulse, but they had one big difference. Simon wanted to keep her safe, too safe, and she couldn’t fly properly, but Mal, he would pull her out from the shelf letting her fly through the fire. Mal turned around and walked into the bridge as soon as she left. He rubbed his neck with the same hand he had rubbed her shoulder, making him pull it from his neck to look at it. She had felt so soft, smooth, and he was tempted. He knew what she was, they all understood it a little bit better, but he saw it in a different light, and maybe that’s why she said that, he thought.

He believed in her, trusted her, and like she said, he let her fly, but then there was that line. That line that he could see her standing on the opposite side from. It was like looking at a mirror that reflected the pain inside them. It was a pain caused by different things, but the pain was still the same. They both felt like they didn’t have a body… but they both shared a similar soul… didn’t they?

-------Two Months later-------

Mal sat in the dining area, one hand lying lazily on the kitchen table and the other hand wrapped around his coffee mug. He kept looking inside the cup, which was half full, seeing it reflect his thoughts and worries. The coffee was supposed to help him drown them, he had put a little bit of alcohol in it, but it wasn’t helping him at all. He could still feel the thoughts in his head.

“You’re not taking her” he heard Simon say as he entered the room. Mal sighed.

“I thought I told you, Doc, next time I heard you givin’ me an order, it’d be the last thing you do” he said without even bothering to give him a second look.

“And you need to remember she’s a mentally traumatized 19 year old girl” he said.

“And that, in my book, makes her able to make her own decisions. She don’t mind going, so I’m takin’ her. Toledo is a new client, and I don’t trust him. I’m countin’ on River to see trouble comin’ before it does. She’s a smart girl, Doc” he said, this time standing up as something in his mind changed the word girl into woman, “She can take care of herself. Is that- is that your angry face again, Doc?” he said with a grin as he finally took a good look at Simon who had his arms crossed and an angry look on his face.

“If anything happens to her-”

“Somethin’ will probably happen to any of us, s’long as we come back not dead, don’t you worry your pretty lil’ head ‘bout it” he said as he walked out towards the Bridge.

River looked at the night sky. It wasn’t the same looking into space outside a planet than inside. Even though she knew that stars were not glittery star shaped objects that floated around in space like tree ornaments, the night made her forget about the science of it all, if only for a moment. She felt him before he even stepped foot inside the bridge. She sighed as she pulled her feet to her chest and started counting the stars again.

“Hey lil’ albatross” he said, “You okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine” she lied. She wasn’t fine. She hadn’t been fine for months now. That line kept haunting her. It wouldn’t let her sleep. The call was stronger now. She wanted to cross it. She wanted to reach out to him, to grab him, and do the things she had seen Simon do with Kaylee, but she analyzed it too much. She knew what would happen. It was like a project to her, where she identified the problem and hypothesized the result. The problem, she was beginning to like this man and part of her felt that he felt the same. The hypothesis, he’d be too afraid to let her in, and she’d have to add another ounce of pain into her core which was more than she could stand.

“You feelin’ good ‘bout going on this job with us?” he asked taking his seat and putting his hands on the back of his head.

“I’m fine” she repeated making him glance at her curiously.

“River? You okay?” he asked sensing her oddness. Her thoughts were haunting her. In truth, she wanted the job to end badly, she wanted to be in the battle field, the only place she could silence the thoughts inside of her. “River” he said this time sitting on the edge of his seat. He was about to walk over to her, but she stopped him by looking at him. She smiled lightly.

“I’m fine, trust me” she said, her voice making the hairs from his neck stand. She looked beautiful, the light from the moons making her skin draw in and radiate its’ own light, even brighter and more beautiful than the sun. River closed her eyes, feeling his thoughts. The thoughts she had seen in his mind, but he was just like her. He would not act upon them. They scared him more than they scared her, but he had them… He would see into her unconsciously without knowing she was the one inviting him in to see her.

-----------The next day----------

Mal’s instincts were right. Toledo had set up a trap for them. They were planning to keep the cargo and leave no survivors, but luckily River saw the trap as soon as they stepped into the bar and told Mal to duck before the man even pulled out the gun from his coat. The bartender didn’t duck in time and the innocent people inside screamed as they tried to run for cover. River saw as one of the bullets hit a man on the shoulder. His girlfriend screamed and tried to help him up. They were a couple she had been watching earlier, seeing them kiss, touch, embrace, and making her imagine, if only for a moment, how that could be her… and Mal. That triggered River as she stood from behind the table, making Mal yell after her, as she rushed to the man who had shot the woman’s lover, and kicked the gun out of his hand.

She moved gracefully, dancing her deadly dance, as she bent down to pick up the gun, keeping her leg high in the air as she kicked two men in the face, and then let herself fall to the floor as she rolled backwards with her knees tucked and then freed her legs, putting her hands on the floor as she pushed her legs to kick three set’s of legs, making the men fall to the floor as she jumped to her feet, stepping over the men and kicking their heads hard enough to knock the consciousness out of them.

Mal watched as River danced around the men. He would have regarded it as beautiful if she wasn’t avoiding bullets every time she moved. He, Zoë and Jayne kept their guns aimed as they shot at anyone who pulled their gun on River.

River could feel the bullets pass by her, she even felt some of them graze her, but none of them hurt her. She felt the pain slip away. She felt like she wasn’t in her body anymore. The weapon had taken over and they couldn’t touch her. She was like cellophane to them, invisible, too quick for them and their bullets couldn’t stop her. She finally noticed that all the men that had been attacking them were on the ground now. She pulled out her gun when she sensed someone creep behind her. It was Mal.

“River?” he asked. She could sense his fear. Whenever she would fight to protect them he would think of that time when she lost it after seeing a cryptic message in a commercial. She had almost shot him then, and she was directing her gun at him again now. She lowered her gun and smiled lightly.

“It’s me” she said giving him a light nod.

“Gorram it, kid. That was some fine shootin’” said Jayne admiring the girls’ work. River smiled slightly and walked towards the scared couple. They drew back in fear, making her wince and sigh.

“It’s okay. I won’t hurt you” she said, just wanting to examine the man’s wound. She wasn’t a doctor like Simon, but she knew of wounds and treatments. She smiled. It was just a graze on his rib.

Mal observed River as she helped the couple. Now it made sense to him. When River jumped out from behind the table, he had no reason what was going on. She usually fought with them, but she didn’t throw herself in the battle unless something triggered her. When the boy got shot, she had reacted… but why?

“Sir? What do we do now?” asked Zoë looking at their shipment and the men on the ground.

“We pay Toledo a personal visit an’ force him to buy the cargo off us” said Mal smiling at his first mate. He wasn’t planning to go back to the ship empty handed. He looked at River who was walking over the fallen men.

“I know where he is” she said, making Mal sigh. For a moment he wished he hadn’t brought her with him.

Zoë and Jayne got off the Mule as soon as they arrived on Serenity. They had gotten their payment. Kaylee checked on the Mule making sure it was in one piece while talking to Zoe, and Simon was giving Mal the look of a thousand deaths.

“They’re just grazes” River told her brother as he inspected her wounds. He took her with him to the medbay leaving Mal to stare after her. Mal felt his first mate stand next to him.

“Somethin’ bothering you, sir?” she asked crossing her arms and watching as River and Simon disappeared.

“Zoë, ya think River shouldn’t be goin’ with us?” he asked. Zoë raised an eyebrow surprised that Simon was getting to him, but then it clicked in her mind. It wasn’t Simon getting in his head, it was River.

“At first I didn’t, but she’s proved to be a useful addition” she confessed.

“C’mon Mal, the girl keeps us from gettin’ shot, I myself think that’s reason enough to let her come” said Jayne.

“Don’t remember askin’ you, but okay. Here, separate the shares, Zoë, make sure he counts right” he said throwing Jayne a bag.

Mal walked up the stairs, stopped by the sound of Zoë’s voice. “Sir, you sure that’s all that’s bothering you?” she asked. Mal turned his head to face her. ‘No’ was his initial thought.

“Yeah, I’m goin’ to fly us out, so hold on to somethin’” he said with a grin as he walked to the bridge. He felt tempted to stop by the medbay but he fought it and kept on.

-----------A few hours later---------

Mal was dreaming of the Miranda message. He could hear the woman’s message as he saw Book, Wash and Mr. Universe’s corpses flash before his eyes. He could see River fighting the Reavers and this time he was there, trying to pull her inside, but something kept stopping him. The Reavers weren’t attacking him, they hadn’t even acknowledged him, but he couldn’t reach out for her, no matter how hard he pushed himself to. Finally he heard her scream as one of them scratched her back and he reached out for her and pulled her by the front of her dress making her body crash against his as they both fell to the floor.

They were breathing heavily as he looked past her. The Reavers were gone. He touched her back. No blood and no cut. She looked at him and smiled. “You did it. You crossed the line” she said. He looked at her curiously, and then she directed her gaze towards the floor. There was a line in front of the spot where he had been frozen and unable to cross. It was the mental line that kept him from her, and he had crossed it. His eyes flashed open reminding him it was just a dream and that he had fallen asleep on the bridge again. He looked to his right surprised to see River curled up in the seat next to him. She was sleeping, or was she?

River had shared his dream, not by seeing it, but by literally having it. She wasn’t sure how their dreams had fused, but they did. She had been having the same dreams for days, except in her dream she was trying to escape the Reavers to get to him, but couldn’t. The weapon inside of her forced her to fight, unable to find comfort in him. The weapon inside her refused to acknowledge the fact that she was a human girl, she had a body and it wanted him. Now she knew he felt the same, and his dream had shattered her hypothesis. She was still reluctant to go on with the experimentation, but she had to do it. She had to stop letting her mind treat her body like an empty shell.

“You did it” she whispered. Mal jumped slightly as he heard her speak. Was she talking in her sleep?

“River?” he whispered not sure if she was asleep or awake. She kept her eyes closed and didn’t move.

“Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I don’t have a body. Feel like an empty shell, a weapon with one purpose, to kill. Try to grasp the happiness this life offers me. Can’t. Only lasts for a little while. I smile with Kaylee, but it’s a different smile, a broken smile. Then I start remembering, what I am, what they did to me, and I feel it slip away. I feel transparent, invisible, because no one can see that in me. No one can read me, and no one knows what I feel… but you can. You feel it. You see me.” she said, opening her eyes as soon as she said the word ‘see’. Mal felt frozen again. He was stuck behind the line again.

“Don’t. You already crossed it.” she said sitting on the chair properly, with her hands under the seat as she looked away from him, towards the empty space.

“Crossed what?” he asked wondering if she was reading her thoughts or been in his dream.

“Neither. I’ve been seeing that line in my head, my head, not yours. Been dreaming about it too. Reavers keep me from you. The weapon in me keeps me from you. It’s a nightmare… but you stopped it. You did it. You crossed it and I crossed it with you. Don’t make me go away, please” she said closing her eyes as a tear escaped them.

Mal stood up and picked her up from the chair. She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting her head rest lightly on his shoulder as he placed one arm behind her back and the other behind her legs.

“Stop” she said once she sensed him next to his bunk. She knew his intention was to take her to her own quarters, she could see he would at least spare her lips a kiss and promise her there’d be no line when she woke up, but she wanted more than a kiss. She wanted him to bring life into her body. “Please” she said looking up at him. He knew what she wanted, he wanted the same, hell, he’d been wanting the same thing ever since he saw her dancing with a stranger three months ago, moving in ways that gave him 500 ideas, but the line stopped it. The line they had already crossed.

The End

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Do note that this story had Adult content that had to be edited out, obviously. I mean, I could post it, but I’m a good lil’ browncoat, I follow the rules, so if you want to read that then let me know and I’ll guide you to my LJ.