Title: “Swallowed in the Sea”
Author: LadyyLuna (Note, that is not my screen name in LJ)
Disclaimer: I don’t own firefly, it belongs to a brilliant man called Joss.
Rating: PG-13 (There’s no sex, just suicidal thoughts, and that’s it. I’d rate it PG, but I don’t know if suicidal thoughts falls under PG LOL)
Pairings: Mal/River
Notes: This is NOT a fic. It’s just a little piece I wrote inspired by a song from Coldplay called ”Swallowed in the Sea”, hence the title. I’ve posted most of my work (including this one) in LiveJournal so if it looks familiar, that’s why. I have a lot of my work there so I might just post all of it here (I’m that bored). It’s sad, depressing, angsty, and I can dare to say romantic. It’s very short. I actually listened to the song while writing it, and as I re-read it (I read it like 15 times, so if there are any typos, I am so shooting myself) I listened to the song too, and it almost matches the length of the song. At least, on the speed that I read it does. I love music, it’s a big part of my life, and if it inspires me to write, it is a gift from the ‘verse.

Swallowed in the Sea

Serenity was hovering over a sheet of blue sea, its mouth open to reveal a slender young lady with her back towards the ocean. She was close to the edge. She was going to jump. The crew stood a few feet in front of her. They were too far to help her. They kept telling her not to jump. They were unable to rush to her side because she would not drop her gun. Simon had tried using the special phrase, but it didn’t work. Oh, how she wished it had worked. How she wished they’d understand. She wanted to sleep, to sleep forever. She wanted to stop all the thoughts, the pain, the sorrow, and it all came from them. She could no longer hide in anyone’s dreams to run from her own. Their dreams were worse than hers now. She took another step back making Mal raise his gun. Would he really shoot her so she wouldn’t jump? No, he wouldn’t. She knew this. The gun shot would only make her fall quicker, but that wasn’t the reason he wouldn’t shoot her. He didn’t want to. Why?

“Let me go” she told them all, but meant it to one person more than anyone else. Mal. The man she could not comprehend. The man she could not make sense of. The man she could not figure out, the man that made her feel something, but she could never understand what it was. A glitch? An error? Was there something wrong with her brain? Or was it her heart? She had fallen asleep on him frequently without his permission and without him even noticing. The man whose heart beat she had memorized. The man whose pain hurt her more than the entire crew put together, but why?

“Don’t do this, mei mei! Please, don’t!” yelled Simon.

“Have to. Want to sleep. Forever. No dreams.” she said, tears streaming down her cheeks without her knowledge or consent. She could hear their thoughts. She knew they meant to save her. Even Jayne, cold hearted Jayne, wouldn’t let her jump. ‘Why?’ she wondered. He had accepted her as part of the crew. She had saved them from the Reavers. She had saved them from death. ‘But I am death’ she thought. Every where she went death was sure to follow, hand in hand with agony and sorrow.

She turned around finally and jumped, ignoring their screams, as she dove into the deep blue waters not a care about what was waiting there for her. Darkness, death and silence, she welcomed it, she craved it. The mystery of the ocean did not scare her. It only made sense for her to be swallowed by it. The water hit her skin like a thousand frozen needles. It only hurt for a second, and then she’d be numb. Physical pain was nothing compared to the mental pain she had been enduring those past few days. She closed her eyes as she let herself be pulled down by the water. It was an invincible force to her, but in truth it was her own arms and legs that brought her down. She wanted to sink, to sink so deep she could not see the sun. She wanted to hide from the light, to run from the pain, the rage and the sorrow. She didn’t want to feel anymore.

‘What point is there to feel, if all you feel is pain?’ she thought as she pulled her legs to her chest, and kept sinking, her body in a fetus form. She would drown soon. She would die soon. That’s when she heard it, the splash.

‘No. Let me go.’ she thought as she felt him come nearer. She didn’t want to live. Couldn’t they see this? If she didn’t have one reason to live, just one, she would sleep forever. They didn’t need her. They were better off without her, especially her brother who had already sacrificed so much for her. She could not bear the thought of him giving up another piece of his future for her. She could not and she would not. She felt him pull her to him and swim to the surface, holding her to his chest. She recognized his heart beat. She recognized his chest. She recognized every bit of him without opening her eyes or touching him. She could feel herself being pulled in the air, but she never opened her eyes. She never gave any sign of life. She wanted to be dead. They didn’t let her drown, but she would drown herself. She would refuse to breathe.

She felt him set her on the ground, she felt him listen to her heart beat, she felt him push on her stomach four times and when his lips met hers, that’s when her heart awoke. She captured his lips, breathed into them, showed him she was alive, and that she wasn’t dead. She wasn’t going anywhere. She would not try to jump anymore. She had a reason to stay. He was surprised. He thought she was unconscious, and as soon as his lips met hers, she had been brought to life. He returned the kiss, forgetting himself for a moment, and that the entire crew was watching, including her brother. Their long kiss ended, not long enough for her, and their lips parted as their eyes gazed into each other for what seemed an eternity.

“Thank you” she whispered and smiled. She had found a reason, even if she didn’t understand it. He gave her a feeling. One good feeling was all she needed. The only thing she needed, the feeling that she had only felt through others. She could feel it for herself now. It was the feeling that you get when you belong to someone, when you are wanted by someone and when you want to belong to that someone. She did not see the sea in her mind anymore. She did not want to die. She had tried. She had jumped, but she did not drown in the sea. The sea didn’t swallow her. The sea did not take her in. He didn’t let it. He saved her. She was saved by that feeling. The feeling she had been looking for all along. The feeling she didn’t understand. The only thing she didn’t need to understand, the feeling that would make her choose life, the feeling that would let her stay, and that feeling was love.

The End