Title: Pale
Author: LadyyLuna (Note, that is not my screen name in LJ)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Firefly or Serenity, it all belongs to Joss and how we love him for it
Rating: R. There’s violence, blood, death, and just a little mention of body contact and nakedness, but no sex.
Pairings: Mal/River and hints Kaylee/Simon
Notes: Okay, let’s get one thing straight. This story might get me shot, it might get me banned, and I expect a lot of people to chase me off, but I was really depressed today. It’s funny because I had a good day (went out with a friend) and then all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I feel my depression kick me in the gut (which I’m sure everyone experiences, I know I ain’t the only depressive person in the world) and it actually frustrated my muse because we’ve been working on the next chapter of the ficlet (It’s practically done, it just needs a little ironing out), but nooo, the depression hit my muse. But, I refused to let this day go without writing anything, or, rather a song made sure of that (Music is so nice). It’s a really sad song that I remember singing when I felt depressed, so I decided to draw a song out of it, and BOY OH BOY did it work! I loved it, surprised myself and cried in some parts as I wrote it. The fic originally had the song lyrics to the fic but ff (dot) net says no, so let’s listen to the idiots for once. It’s a song called “Pale” by Within Temptation.

Pale

River sat on the grass with her hands hovering over it feeling it tickle her hands. The wind was strong where they were and it made the grass whisper words that only she could hear. She was sitting with her legs tucked under her, her knees on the soft ground, her dress glued to her skin because of the rain that accompanied the wind.

‘The storm’s getting worse’

‘We’ll pass by it soon enough’

The words echoed in her mind as if it was yesterday, but it wasn’t. It was two years ago. Everything seemed so different. She was different, but somehow, everything felt the same. It was hard to explain, hard to grasp, hard to make sense of. A river’s flow never changes, it never ceases, it finds a way to the ocean and follows it forever, but the current changes. It becomes weaker or stronger with the order of Mother Nature, and that’s how she explained it. There were times where they were strong and other times when they lost hope. She blamed it on herself, no matter what they said, no matter how sincere and kind their words were. She would always feel the blame in her. She didn’t blame them. She loved them. All of them, like Serenity, she felt it was her responsibility to take care of them. She owed everything to them, everything. She shivered, not from the cold, but from his approach.

“Found you. You all right?” he asked. She stood up gracefully, pushing herself upwards with her legs, and not her hands. She felt him put his browncoat around her and she smiled as she tugged it close. He understood. He asked no questions. He knew her hurt.

“You found me.” she said, as an answer to his question, as she turned to look at him. Mal smiled uncomfortably, and gently tugged back the hairs that seemed glued to her face. She held back the urge to touch his hand, to keep it there.

“That I did. C’mon, before you catch somethin’. I reckon your brother’s already dug a hole on the ground tryin’ to find you” he said. She smiled, but her smile faded as soon as she felt it, like a tidal wave inside her mind, making her clutch at her chest. “River?” he asked his hand on her back, she was leaning forward slightly, and looked like she was going to puke.

“Hurts” she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. It was moments like this when she hated what they had done to her. She had just recently taken control of her abilities as a reader, but not completely. She could push away thoughts, keep them from invading her mind, but the emotions still pricked at her skin like a shower of needles. Now she had flashes, things in her mind, memories that came from people, but they were often static, she could not decipher them, only feel them, and the nightmares, oh the nightmares! They were the worst. She would have preferred Mal’s dreams of war and death than her nightmares. In her nightmares, they all died and she lived.

“Let’s take you home” he said, and without a thought, he picked her up. She didn’t even have the energy to wrap her arms around his neck so she held them on her chest, trying to control the spasms that were taking over her body. She could see parts of her nightmares playing in her head as if they were happening. She was whimpering softly.

She tried to hold on to current thoughts, to keep her nightmares from her mind. Mal. She thought of him. She listened to his heartbeat, feeling the cold wash away for a moment. He had walked in the rain looking for her. He knew where she was. His feelings for her had changed. It had been a slow process, but she watched it change, and did nothing to discourage it. On the contrary, she did her best to let him know she was there. They were one of a kind, after all. Their hands were stained with blood, their dreams were invaded by death and their lives left trails of sorrow. She could feel the sound of Serenity calling to her. They were close. She let her fingers touch his shirt, it was wet from the rain and he could feel her touch perfectly. She felt electricity when she touched him, something so warm, so sudden, that it felt like thunder, not lethal, but dangerous.

“Mal…” she said, feeling him relax once she heard him say his name. The nightmares came again. They tortured her even when she was awake, especially when she was awake, and she could see him in her mind as she saw him in her dream. Dead. She had to do something to make the dreams stop. She couldn’t let them come true. She had to do something, and she knew what it was, but she didn’t know how. She didn’t know how.

-------------

River opened her eyes to see she was in her room, lying on her bed, with dry clothes and a sheet over her body. She didn’t even have to guess who dressed her. Kaylee had been on a kind streak. The motherly instincts were beginning to form in her. She sat up and looked around. She had hoped to see him standing there like he usually did when she had spasms, when her body blacked out, and she lost consciousness, but he wasn’t there. He was afraid. ‘So am I’ she thought throwing the sheet off her body. She could feel the pain like a quake inside of her as she stood up from the bed.

If Simon didn’t find a cure, not necessarily a cure, but anything to counter whatever they had done to her, she doubted she would last soon. After all, they wanted to make weapons, soldiers, but they didn’t intend them to live forever. Every weapon had an expiration date, she knew this, but they didn’t. He opened the door just as she was reaching for it, making her jump back slightly and almost lose her balance. Her mind must have been weak because she didn’t feel him coming, then again, she couldn’t feel anything, and she imagined Simon had something to do with it.

“Hey mei mei, are you feeling better?” he asked gently pushing her back to bed. She sat down in defeat.

“Weak. My body’s asleep. It won’t listen to me.” she confessed as he put his arm around her shoulder gently.

“I’m sorry, I had to give you something to stop the muscular contractions.” he said. She sighed. The spasms.

“I know… Where’s Mal?” she asked, unable to feel him in the ship, unable to feel anything. Simon twitched for a moment, and River didn’t need to have the use of her abilities to guess what her brother was feeling.

“River… Are you and the Captain… Do you…” he could barely utter the question that had plagued his mind for months in hopes that she would answer it without him having to say it out loud.

“Simon, you take care of me, I take care of you. I trust you, you trust me. If I… If I decide to choose a path… do you trust me enough to let me follow it alone?” she asked fighting hard to phrase the question in the current state she was in. The question caught him off guard, but he pulled her closer to him and planted a kiss on her forehead. She wasn’t a child, but she was still his little sister.

“Of course, I will. I will, but I’ll always be watching you just in case you need me” he said. She smiled in relief.

“Thank you” were the only words she could utter as a thought came into her mind. She did have to make a decision. She had two paths to choose, one led to life and the other to death.

--------------

“Hi” she said as she watched him sitting in the common area next to the dining room. She joined him by sitting across from him, pulling her legs to the couch and carefully tucking them behind her without showing too much skin. He held onto his mug with both hands, looking at her for a second before looking back into his mug.

“Feelin’ better?” he asked.

“A little” she said. Her body had returned to normal, although she still looked as pale as he had ever seen her and that’s why he looked away. She could read him again, but she avoided doing it, only picking up recent thoughts that flowed from him like a tempest.

“Kaylee has been worried ‘bout you” he said still looking into his mug. She smiled. He did that a lot, talked about how other people felt about her in order to avoid saying what he felt.

“I know. I saw her… don’t worry, Mal. You found me.” she whispered. He looked at her, the corner of his lip rising ever so slightly, but it was just enough to make her smile. Oddly enough, he understood what she meant. He often did.

“I’m turnin’ in. You should get some rest” he said standing up. She frowned slightly.

“Rested enough” she whispered as he walked past her, and then stopped right next to her. She felt her stomach leap. He bent down and she threw her head back just as he was about to kiss her forehead. Their lips were inches away, and they had both stopped breathing for a moment. They were too afraid to feel their breath on each other, they knew what would happen if they did. His hand closed in a fist as the other cupped her face and moved his lips to were they were originally aiming, her forehead. Part of her felt like pulling him to her, to beckon his lips on hers, but she let him go. He wasn’t ready. He knew, he understood, he felt, but he wasn’t ready. She knew she had to give him time… although time was something she didn’t have.

---------------

They had just pulled a job, a legal one, in Three Hills. Although the town where the deal took place was an hour from their current location, she didn’t mind. She liked this town better. She liked the air here, it was soft and calm. There were no storms, no tempests or tidal waves. As soon as she touched the ground with Serenity she sensed calm within her. Once they had finished the job, Mal could see by the way she danced with the environment that it’d be good for them to use it as a rest top. River looked at him questionably at first, they had another job lined up after this one, and it took her a fragment of a second to understand what made him stop. She smiled.

The town wasn’t rich in any sense, but it was beautiful. It spoke with nature, blended in with it in harmony, the houses made of rocks and the roofs of wood and dried leaves to protect them of rain. What she loved most was that the entire planet was not this way, it was just this little town that chose to live like this, simple and away from Alliance technology. It was pure and untainted. The bar had a similar atmosphere as the town, but not as calm. It was alive with dancing and laughter. People drinking, but they were harmless, and some were innocent, at least in their intentions.

River pulled Kaylee into the center of the room and forced her into a dance. River kept her steps slow, giving Kaylee time to keep up with her, but then she picked up the pace and, in result, made Kaylee gasp for breath. River stopped, placing her hand on the bulge of her stomach and Kaylee put her hand over hers warmly. The bulge was small, but it was just beginning.

“I’m of a mind for a dance, may I?” he asked. River turned around with a broad smile as she did a small curtsy making Mal smile nervously as he bowed, something Simon had showed him how to do, but he had never quite grasped properly. She grinned, and almost yelped in surprise as he pulled her to him. It wasn’t the same way she had danced with Kaylee. His feet were fast and his movements were good and easy to keep up with. If she wasn’t so entranced by the feeling of her hand in his, his hand on her waist, she would quicken her pace just to tease him. She never stopped smiling though.

She enjoyed the music. She let her worries wash away with every step, every laugh and every beat of the musicians’ shoes. She let the room dance with her, noticing and recording the look in Mal’s eyes as they danced. A look she would never forget. A look that made her hold on. A look that made her forget about everything, made her trust on hope and gather strength from where it possibly couldn’t exist, but it did, because it was there, and she was drawing it from him.

--------------

She was on her fifth dance, taking turns with them as she tired them out. She had danced twice with her brother, once with Jayne and she was currently on her second with Mal. Mal didn’t mind. He liked it when she was like this, overflowing with energy and looking like she could dance the entire night away. River laughed as the music flowed quicker and Mal almost stumbled trying to follow her, but he didn’t have to struggle any longer as the wind carried her screams. The spasms, the visions, the pain, it was all back. She fell to the floor, they were all surrounding her, even the music had stopped and the musicians were kneeling next to her. The bartender pushed Simon away and put her hand on River’s forehead. Mal would have complained, but the woman reminded him of his mother.

“Poto, go find Yüying.” she said in perfect Chinese.

“Look, me and my own can take care of this” said Mal bending down to pick up River’s body, and the woman’s eyes dug into him.

“He’s a good doctor. He can help her” she said in a tone Mal didn’t know if it was angry or afraid. River felt the spasms slow down, the visions became clearer and her body was beginning to awaken abruptly. As it did, she understood why. It was happening, and it had horrible timing as well. She was being pulled by the path, the path she had been contemplating, but avoiding. It was time to say goodbye, but not until she protected them from the Reavers one last time.

---------------

She practically jumped off from Mal’s arms, as she gently pushed the bartender and Kaylee in the direction of the bar.

“Reavers, you have to hide, under the floor” she said. Kaylee stared at her confused, but once she picked up the word Reavers her hands went directly over her womb. The bartender was confused, but upon understanding River’s strange knowledge of the secret room below the bar she asked no question, as she ushered most of the guests, including Kaylee behind the bar and down some stairs.

River felt Mal’s hand on her shoulder. She turned around, no time to explain.

“They haven’t entered atmo yet, but they will. We still have time. Stay here”

“What?! No-” Simon was the first to complain. She turned her gaze on him, strict and empty. She pulled Mal’s gun from its holster and checked it. It was loaded. She looked at Jayne who threw Vera at her, a weapon he had often trusted her with and never allowed to part from him given their bad fortune with certain situations. River agreed with him as she caught it in mid air. She knew they wouldn’t be defenseless. They had time to pull out weapons from the Mule.

“I’ll bring them here, I know where they are” she said looking at Simon, and then changed her gaze towards Mal. “Quick. I can’t be quick if I’m thinking of you” she whispered. She felt her heart twist, and she wasn’t sure if it came from him, or from her, but she felt it. She bit her lip and stood on her tip toes so she could kiss him. She didn’t give him time to return the kiss as she ran out the door with three words that echoed in the room, “I’ll come back.” She lied.

She felt like she was being carried by the wind, knocking from door to door, telling everyone to go to the bar. Some of them didn’t believe her, but they didn’t have to because once they saw the monstrous ship approach, they listened. River knew Mal would have taken the mule and driven them all out of there, but they were six of them and the Mule couldn’t make a clean escape with six of them, and he understood that River wasn’t going to leave. As soon as her eyes saw the grass, she was in love.

River could sense the town emptying themselves into the bar. She smiled. The town wasn’t as pure as she thought, the bar was a safe house, at least in the basement and even if a tornado cleaned the town with its cruel winds, that room would survive, and at the moment, that made her happy. She passed by a house she knew to have weapons, spears and long staffs and took one of each. She ran past the bar, hoping she had moved fast enough not to be seen. She didn’t want them to follow her. She reached the area just as the Reavers were rushing to step onto the soil like a pack of hungry wolves, but she wouldn’t let them.

She could hear the clock ticking in her mind, but she would find time. She had to find time for this. She wouldn’t let them pass. Like a guardian, she defended her ground. She used the guns first, taking turns using her body and the guns. She used the guns like fists, letting the back break faces while pulling the trigger and making holes. Only a few got past her, but she aimed her guns behind her to their positions, without looking, and shot them to the ground. They never had a chance. She threw the guns hard in the air, and picked up the spear, moving it around making its end hit them, reminding her of the way the grass fell back when the wind pushed it. They fell to the ground and she dropped her spear in time to catch the guns and shoot at the bodies she had knocked on the ground, and were now officially dead. There were still more. She broke the spear on a Reaver’s head, repeated the process of throwing the gun in the air and used the staff this time to knock another wave of them to the ground. She heard more gun shots. She wasn’t alone now.

She cursed in her mind, but didn’t have time to stop. He was so stubborn. They all were. She could handle them. She could stop them, but now her mind had a chain holding her back. She now had to work harder to make sure they didn’t get past her. Her moves became frantic now; she was using her body as the only weapon. She kicked, punched, elbowed, until finally she took a weapon from the Reaver, a double edged axe, and began a process of decapitation. She moved faster, catching another axe from a Reaver, blood splashing on her body as they started falling like flies.

She felt it, the tidal wave. She heard it, the clock. Her eyes widened, her body was going into spasms, but she fought them. She gritted her teeth and fought, even with her spasms. She used them, used them to move, as much as it hurt her, she didn’t let them bring her down. They were almost gone. They were almost dead. As her head began to beat rapidly, and her heart began to slow, she could see the vision of her nightmares. Simon, Mal, Kaylee, Zoë, Jayne, dead. Wash, Book, waiting, waving. Inara, dressed in black, tears in her eyes, broken and then dead. River, dressed in white, breathing, alive, and standing on the edge of a cliff, then finally she jumps. Serenity was empty, cold, and alone. But this wasn’t a dream. She was awake, and here she could choose her nightmare. In here, she chose her poison. In here, she would fix the ending. They would all live, and she would die.

She was bringing down her axe, about to hit the last Reaver, when the axe fell from her hand. She was falling backwards. She could feel the Reaver about to take her in his arms when gun shots showered on him like a wild rain. They were all shooting. Not just Mal. They were all shooting. She hit the ground hard as her body began to shake uncontrollably. She closed her eyes knowing it’d be the last thing she ever did.

---------------

Mal brought her inside the bar, not caring for a second that there was blood on his once blue shirt. Her dress, it had been white, and now, every inch was covered in Reaver blood. Mal set her on a table, put his hand on her wrist, then on her neck, until finally he let his head lie on her chest. No heart beat. The tears that came into his eyes didn’t come with an invitation, but he didn’t kick them out. Zoë had kicked the hidden door, telling them they were clear and Simon was the first to pop out.

“River? River? No, no, no, no. God, no. Please, no. No. Please, no” he said, his tears coming swiftly and with just cause. He was a doctor. He knew where her heart was, and he knew more than anyone, it wasn’t beating and she was pale. Her entire body was pale. It made the blood look like an evil coat of death on her. Kaylee put her hand over her mouth, choking on the tears as Jayne held her close to him, away from the bloodied sight. Zoë put her hand on Mal’s shoulder.

“No, I won’t let you die.” said Simon searching through his bag.

“Simon-” Mal croaked, his words causing him pain.

“NO! She can’t DIE! SHE CAN’T! NOT LIKE THIS! SHE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE! I saved her once, I can save her again!” he said pulling out a syringe and filling it with some liquid.

“This will only hurt for a moment, mei mei” he sobbed, sniffling as he pulled her arm. He was about to administer the shot when a cold hand pulled back his arm. He looked back and saw a man with black eyes, bald head and a soft smile. There was something about the man’s touch that made Simon’s tears cease and all his emotions were put to stop, as if time itself had stopped inside his mind and body.

“No” said the man, the voice dark, yet soft. Simon let the Syringe fall to the floor almost unwillingly as the man moved in front of him and stood before River. No one dared move.

River was dreaming again, but there was no darkness, only light. She could see a light beckoning to her. It was like a star, but brighter, and bigger. It blinked at her, communicating with her. She wasn’t covered in blood here. She felt no pain. She felt nothing, but calm and serene. She felt no cold, no fear and she wasn’t insane here. She was glowing and her white dress moved with the unseen wind, guiding her to the direction of the star. It spoke in whispers, soft and melodic like a song. It beckoned her forward, and she would have moved if she hadn’t felt the strange pull. She looked behind her. A mist, dark, but white at the same time. She heard a voice, it wasn’t soft or melodic. It was sad, angry and shaky. She saw the face that matched the voice. It was him. It was Mal. He was calling her. She smiled as she looked back at the star. It spoke to her again, and she nodded. It understood, it would let her go, but one day, a very far away day, it would be there for her again, waiting.

-----------------

River’s eyes flashed open as she gasped for air, coughing a little and covering her mouth as she did so. She had to pull her hand away because as soon she finished coughing Mal pulled her into his arms, and this time made up for the kiss he didn’t return. Simon let out a choked cry of relief and looked at the strange man who stood smiling next to him. They had seen the man put his hand on her forehead, then on her heart. They had seen her chest thrust itself upward as if the man had sent a current of electricity into her heart. Maybe he did, they weren’t sure, but the more Simon looked at the people around him, the more he noticed they all seemed eerily calm about the situation.

Mal finally let her go, of her lips at least, as his hands were still on her. River smiled as she wiped off his tears with her bloodied fingers.

“I heard you… in here.” she said pointing at her head, “You found me again” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He laughed a relieved laugh.

“I’ll always find you, River.” he said in Chinese, making him hold her close. The embrace lasted a moment once she realized there was someone else calling to her. She climbed the table and practically jumped to the other side into her brother’s arms. He held her breathlessly.

“Don’t ever do that to me again, you hear me? Ever” he said pulling her face in front of his. She smiled and nodded.

“I promise” she said as she embraced him again. She let him go and held Kaylee in her arms.

“Ya scared us half to death” she said, biting her lip once she realized the word she had used. River just chuckled and held her tighter.

“When everything is over, I’ll tell you about heaven” she whispered so no one could hear. Kaylee looked into her eyes and smiled.

River stood in front of Jayne. “Brave thing you did and stupid” said Jayne holding on to Vera. She smiled; glad to see he had picked up Vera from the field.

“When you can’t do something smart, do something right” she said with a grin. Jayne chuckled and gave her a pat on the shoulder. Zoë looked at the girl, and while they were no words between them, their eyes spoke volumes as Zoë opened her arms for an embrace. River finally turned looking at the man who had saved her life, a man that had brought a new light into her life, and the knowledge that she wasn’t alone.

“You stopped the clock” she said looking at him.

“Yes” he answered with a gentle smile and his hands behind his back.

“You knew I was coming” she said walking towards him.

“Yes” he answered with a sigh. She stopped in front of him and looked at him with a solemn gaze.

“But I can’t go with you” she said, making Simon change his relief, but confused expression, to one of intense worry.

“I understand” he said.

“I might visit, if you’ll have me” she said with a smile.

“We would be honored” he said as he bowed perfectly, and kissed the back of River’s bloody hand. The man left, leaving everyone in the room wordless and utterly confused. It was then that River and the bartender explained. The bartender was first, since River still felt a little drained from the experience. Mal threw his coat over her, to stop the children from starring at her bloody body.

The bartender, Viola, explained that the man had arrived in the town a couple of months ago. He had healed two children that had a flesh eating disease; he healed broken legs and even cured the blind. All he asked in return is that when a woman of extraordinary grace fell to the ground on that very bar, to call him for only he could revive her. That is when River cut in to bring Science into the story of Faith.

Yüying was a student from the Academy, one of the few to survive and escape. They had manipulated his abilities with a purpose to do the opposite of what he now did. They wanted him to kill upon touch, to blind, to silence, but his body did not bend to their will and they had created a shield, instead of a weapon, but the weapon was in his mind, dormant and silent. When they least expected it, he and a few others had escaped. He had wanted to take River with him, to teach her how to control her abilities and to help her use them to her advantage, and that is why he was there waiting for her, because he knew the time limit of every patient. This brought Simon’s attention and River regretted mentioning it knowing the result it would have. She told him that she had known that the spasms would go to a point where they would kill her, and she had known when it would happen all along. If Simon wouldn’t have been so relieved that she had been revived all of the sudden, he would’ve been angry at her, but all he did was pull her in another embrace, cursing in Chinese and damning the Academy to hell for what they had done to her.

They were in Serenity now. They environment was a quiet one and River had just stepped out of the shower, having scrubbed the blood from every inch of her body. She was wearing a white silk robe that Inara had left her. She followed his thoughts and found him in the Bridge.

“You called” she said, having heard his thoughts even as she showered. He sighed.

“You knew you were gonna die.” he said, his back facing hers.

“Yes” she said kicking away the thoughts of sadness that came from her, or from him, she wasn’t sure.

“You never found it in you to tell me?” he asked. Anger, so much anger. She clutched at her stomach.

“I’m sorry” she said looking down. What she felt next was like a rush she had never felt before. He rushed to her and kissed her again, this time they were no restrictions, but desperation and passion.

“Next time you’re in the mind to die, let me know” he said. This brought a chuckle from her lips and she nodded.

“So you can stop me?” she asked feeling his hands travel inside her robe and on her naked body. He kissed her neck, making her body shudder unexpectedly.

“You know it” he said as he looked into her eyes one last time with a promise. He wouldn’t let time be robbed from them, and she returned the promise, she wasn’t going to say goodbye because their story had just begun.

The End

Notes: Yes, I used two lines from the movie :) I have the script so I tend to go crazy when it comes to quotes.